A Flicker of Light

by Roberta Kagan

  She did not fully understand her attraction to Aaron, but the deeper the feelings grew, the greater grew her efforts to avoid him. But at night as she tried to sleep, the thought that he lay sleeping only a few feet away caused stirrings in her that disturbed her and interrupted her sleep. She could think of no reason why she should feel this way. He had shown her no special interest. Yet, the sound of his voice sent her stomach into a dance. The blood rushed to her face, and she hoped no one else took notice of it. But the harder Lil fought her feelings, the stronger they grew.

  Soon Aaron could walk again, and he insisted on helping. Karl put him to work fishing. He also taught him to hunt birds with a bow and arrow. “I will teach you to make these soon. They work well for hunting, and help us to save bullets.”

  Even though Aaron retained a limp, he still moved with the grace of a bobcat. The first time he returned with a pigeon for the hearth, it was clear to everyone that he was a good marksman with a keen eye. He skinned the bird and removed the feathers. They cooked it over an open flame that evening.

  Two of the younger men stole a bushel of carrots from a neighboring farm and brought it back with them. Some of the women cleaned the vegetables and got them ready for a soup. Outside, just a few feet from the cabin, Lil moved quietly while pursuing a rabbit. Engrossed in the hunt, she’d failed to notice a small tree stump. She tripped over it and twisted her ankle. When she called for help, two of the women came to help her. Locking their arms under hers, they walked her back to the house. When Aaron saw Lil in moaning in agony, he knelt at her side. Gently, he pressed her ankle to see if she had broken it.

  “Looks like a bad sprain. Sometimes that can be more painful than a break.” He found a long piece of fabric in a bucket of rags. “Let me bandage this. It won’t hurt so much. Try to stay off of it for a few days. If you need anything just ask me.”

  He held her leg as he wrapped the fabric around it firmly. “There you go, how does that feel?’

  “Better.”

  “That’s because it isn’t moving.” He smiled at her. She suddenly saw that he must have been a very good doctor. She wondered if he’d worked with children.

  “How old are you, Lil?” It was almost as if he’d read her mind.

  “I forget. Sixteen, I think. I feel one hundred.”

  “Yes, I know what you mean. This Nazi rule has taken a toll on all of us,” Aaron said.

  “Not the Germans. They’re doing just fine, evil bastards that they are.”

  “Not all of them, Sweetheart. There is good and bad in every race. There are good Germans. There are bad Jews. I think it is best to look at each person as an individual and to not group people together because of their race or religion. If we start doing that, we might just find we are as bad as the Nazis, right?” He smiled warmly at her.

  Lil loved his voice, and he seemed so wise. Most importantly he’d called her Sweetheart. Could it be possible that he felt the same magical feelings she did?

  That night, she listened to him breathe in the darkness, and she caressed her breast with her hand. Lil felt a wetness begin between her legs, and she softly brushed her womanhood, pretending that Aaron lay with her. In her mind she heard him say, “I love you, Lilly.”

  No one had called her Lilly since she’d lost her parents. “I love you, Lilly. You are beautiful, the most beautiful girl in the world. When this war is over, I want you to be my wife.” Her imagination took her on a magic ride, and she dreamed that she heard Aaron speak these words, even though he slept quietly.

  Her desire, combined with the power of her imagination, brought her to a sexual height she’d never experienced. Unable to stay silent, she let out a soft cry. Embarrassed, she bit her lower lip. Had someone heard her? She listened intently, but the room remained quiet, except for deep breathing and snoring.

  The next morning, Aaron brought Lil’s food to her. Her heart twittered as he smiled, placing the hunk of bread and the bowl of soup beside her.

  “Thank you.”

  “You, young lady, are quite welcome. I recall you doing the same for me when I found myself incapacitated,” he said with a wink.

  She knew then that he had fallen in love with her. She could tell, and although she’d fought it, she loved him too. Her body longed to be pleasured by a man, but not just any man: Aaron. She would talk to him tonight. Yes, she would confess her feelings, and then he would surely be comfortable enough to confess his own.

  Chapter 49

  Berlin

  N

  urse Erna found candles and lit them in the room where Petra labored. The entire hospital lay paralyzed by darkness. Candlelight filled some of the rooms, but others remained pitch-black, save for the moon filtering through the windows.

  “The forceps have not been effective. I am sorry Frauline, but we must try to do a cesarean section.”

  “Does that mean you have to cut me to get the baby out?”

  “Yes, I am afraid so. You are bleeding and we cannot wait any longer.”

  Petra lay upon sheets soaked and sticky from her own blood. Her hair stuck to her neck, which was wet with sweat. Nurse Erna wiped her brow and upper lip with a damp cloth.

  “My baby, will my baby die?” Petra’s eyes darted madly about the room.

  “I will do my best, Frauline.”

  “He is a good doctor, Petra,” the nurse said as she squeezed her hand, “and I will not leave you even for a moment.”

  Because of the war effort, all painkilling drugs had been sent to the Russian front. However, Dr. Fiedler had a few small vials that he’d hidden away in case of an emergency. Without hesitation he removed them from his locked cabinet and began to administer the drug that induced sleep.

  “Count backward from one hundred.” The nurse smoothed her brow. Before she reached ninety-eight, Petra slept.

  With great care, the doctor made the incision and began his work. Petra remained in surgery for three hours and fifteen minutes. Then the doctor removed a beautiful baby girl. The healthy child, covered in blood, mucous and fluids, let out in a loud wail that reached Siegland in the waiting area.

  Siegland rushed into the room just as the nurse finished wrapping the little girl in a white blanket.

  “She is beautiful, with such lovely dark, curly hair. Look.”

  The nurse pulled the blanket away from the baby’s face, and Siegland recognized the face of her father. The child looked just like Aaron. Gently, Doctor Fiedler sewed Petra back together. Then, after cleaning her and changing the sheets, he gently tried to wake her.

  “Petra.”

  The nurse squeezed her hand, but Petra did not respond.

  “Petra!” The doctor’s voice grew louder. Siegland’s palm covered her mouth as she watched in alarm.

  Chapter 50

  The Forest Outside Munich

  L

  il spent the day thinking of how she would begin the conversation with Aaron. He would be her first lover, her only lover. They would marry when all of this ended, if it ever did. Even if it didn’t, it did not matter, as long as they had each other. Smiling, she decided she would give him lots of babies. The entire day, she felt giddy. Too bad there was no rabbi among them so they could be married tonight, she thought.

  That evening after the group settled in, Lil went to Aaron.

  “Will you take a walk with me?” Lil asked.

  “How’s that ankle doing? Do you think it is well enough for you to walk around on?”

  “Yes, I have something important to tell you.”

  Aaron could not fathom what she might have to say, but he decided that if she needed to talk to someone, he would be there to listen. A cool breeze of fresh air filled the night as the two walked among the shelter of the trees. The beauty of the evening made Aaron suddenly sad as he thought of all of those he’d lost. The people who had died and what they had endured tortured his mind. He wondered how the Bruchmeiers were doing, and of course he agonized over Petra. The yearning he felt for her grew stron
ger every day.

  “Aaron?” She interrupted his thoughts.

  “Yes, what is it, Lil?”

  “Call me Lilly?”

  “Sure if you’d like. Lilly it is, then.”

  “Aaron.” Her palms felt clammy and her knees seemed unsteady as she walked.

  “You’re trembling a little; does your leg hurt?”

  “No, that’s not it.” She gave a nervous laugh, “Not at all, Aaron.” Her heart felt as if it would leap from her chest. She must say it. She must tell him. Lil paused for a moment, taking a breath. Then she looked up into Aaron’s eyes.

  “I’m in love with you. I’ve known it since the first time I saw you, but I didn’t want to believe it. I have lost everyone I’ve ever loved, and I swore to myself I would never love again. But when I look at you, something happens inside of me,” she said as she looked up at him, her eyes shining with trust. “I want you to be my first man. I want you to make love to me. Here, now.”

  “Sit down, Lilly.” He took his jacket off and laid it down. “The ground might be a little cold, so come here and sit on my coat.”

  She obliged, folding her legs under her.

  “You are a beautiful girl.” He looked at her with sincerity. “Your eyes are like black diamonds. Any man would want you. So I must be a fool to say this, but I am sorry. I can’t. My heart belongs to someone else. Someone I love very much.”

  Tears stung at the back of her eyes. “Just make love to me then, Aaron. I don’t want to die never having been loved, and you are the only man I would want to be with in that way.” She hung her head.

  “Sweetheart…” He bent low to look into her face, and then with his hand he lifted her head so he could meet her eyes. He chose his words carefully so as not to trample her sensitive heart. “If I had not already pledged my life to someone else, I would be honored. But if I acted in this manner, I would never feel that I deserved any respect in your eyes, or those of my future wife. Now, listen to me, please.”

  He tried to counsel her as he would a younger sister. He had grown to care a great deal for her. “The war is almost over. Then things will change. You are bound to find the right person for you, a man who will love you and cherish you the way you should be loved.” Then he tried to make her smile, to wipe away the misery that had taken over her young face.

  “When it happens, when you find real love, you’ll look back on me as just some silly old man who you once thought might make a fairly decent boyfriend.” He put his arm around her shoulder.

  “I wish you loved me.”

  “I do, just not in the way you want me to. But mark my words, Lilly, when you meet the man who will become your husband, you will realize that I was just a small part of your life. Once, when I was young I thought I met the woman I would love forever. When she broke my heart, I thought my world had ended; little did I know then that it had just begun. I have never been religious, but I once heard the story of the twin souls. Have you ever heard it?”

  “No.”

  “Well, I believe that it is written in the Kabalah, that in the beginning of time each soul divided in two, and then God sent them down to earth. Here on this planet, these entities were taught life lessons to become advanced enough to appreciate each other and God. Well, I guess you can say for certain that we have had plenty of schooling in our times. So, in order to become whole, these souls went out in search of their other halves. For some it will take lifetimes, for others it will not take that long. With all of the suffering you have endured, little one, I believe you will find your special someone quickly. Once the two incomplete souls find each other, they join together and are fulfilled with love throughout eternity. Now, Sweetheart, somewhere out there in the world your twin soul is searching for you. When you find each other, everything in the past, regardless of how important you think it is now, will fade in the light of your love.” Aaron said, he knew his heart, body and soul belonged to Petra, she was the other half of him.

  Lil looked up at him. He saw that a tear trickled down her cheek, and he wiped it with his thumb.

  “One day, I’ll be an old man, and I’ll come to visit you and your husband and all of your children.”

  “You make it sound so perfect, Aaron, but what if it never happens?”

  “We are days away from the end of this nightmare. When it’s over, you will find your life again. Good things will come, you’ll see.”

  “Do you think my parents are alive?” This was the first time she had spoken of them since she told Florika her story so long ago. The memory hurt deep in a place in her core that she had left untouched for a long time.

  “I don’t know. I hope so, Lilly.”

  “Lots of people died in Auschwitz. We get all kinds of news here. The Nazis are gassing people and burning them in a big oven.”

  He felt her shoulders quiver.

  “Don’t think about that. Let’s hope they are alive. Soon the Allies will be here. With the help of God, the camps will be liberated.”

  “Will you help me find my parents?”

  He could not go to Auschwitz, in Poland. Aaron was headed back to the farm in Munich. He longed to see Petra, to hold her and look into those beautiful eyes again, to watch her as the sun glinted on her hair, to spend every day of the rest of his life working to make her happy, to protect her from harm, and to give her all the love he saved for her. He also worried about the well-being of the Bruchmeiers. Such kind people, in their advanced age they could use a strong hand around the farm. Aaron knew they needed him there, and yet he couldn’t just abandon this child. She would be lost once this group disbanded. “I will help you,” Aaron said. He would put his needs aside just a little while longer to help Lil find her family.

  Chapter 51

  Berlin

  W

  hen Petra’s opened her eyes, Siegland let out a hoarse cry, “Look, she is alive!”

  “Petra, can you hear me? It’s Erna, your nurse. I am here with you. Your aunt is here too, and so is Doctor Fiedler. You have a beautiful little daughter. Do you want to see her?”

  Petra nodded, and then whispered, “Yes. Oh, yes.”

  Nurse Erna helped Petra sit up by propping pillows behind her. Her arms felt weak, but she reached out as Siegland placed the baby on her breast.

  “Let us give you some privacy. I will go and prepare some food for you. You need to build up your strength.” The nurse smiled at Petra, then looked over at the doctor. “Come, Dr. Fiedler, you must be tired. Let me get you something to eat.”

  The two walked outside the hospital room. “Erik, I am so proud of you.” She touched the collar on his jacket. “You saved that woman’s life - and the baby’s too.” Erna gently pulled the doctor’s tie, pulling him down to her, and pressed her lips to his. Just as she did, the lights in the room came back on. They walked to the window together and looked out. The sky was charcoal gray. Flames no longer threatened, but there was smoke in the air and buildings lay in broken piles of concrete. A large group of soldiers carrying a Russian flag marched through the square. They looked battle worn and tired, but they held the flag high and shouted with pride.

  Erna turned to Erik, “The war is over.”

  “Thank God, darling. We have waited so long to be rid of these Nazis.”

  In the hospital room, Petra cradled her newborn child. With trembling fingers, she took the small blanket from the baby’s head. Then she looked over at Siegland, “Oh, my God, she looks just like Aaron.”

  “Yes, she does.”

  “She is beautiful, isn’t she?”

  “Yes, Petra, she is so beautiful.”

  “She is like a flicker of light in the darkness, a glimmer of hope for the future,” Nurse Erma said as she watched from the doorway.

  “Mama, let’s call her Hope.”

  “Hope is a good name. Hope will be your name, little one.” Siegland smiled down into the tiny, red, wrinkled face, “You will bring hope to the world, child.”

  Chapter 52

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  utside the hospital walls, the Allies marched into Berlin. Adolph Hitler had gone down to his bunker with his long-time paramour Eva Braun several weeks prior. Knowing that his beloved Reich stood shaking on the brink of destruction, he’d taken all of his colleagues with him and instructed those who were able to leave Germany. Plans for the end went into effect when it became apparent that Germany would lose the war.

  Hitler knew he would never be able to leave Germany. His greatest fear was to be arrested and tried. Refusing to be taken alive, he brought poison with him into his bunker. The previous day, he’d tested it on his most beloved German shepherd. The dog had died instantly, proving that the cyanide was effective. That same day Adolph Hitler married Eva Braun. On the following morning, he gave his new wife a cyanide capsule, which she swallowed. Then he swallowed a pill himself. Adolph Hitler, the great and terrible Fuehrer, the instigator of the Nazi movement, was dead.

  Many of the SS stole away to the far reaches of the globe to avoid capture, mainly to South America, along with their dreams of recreating the Third Reich one day. Himmler was captured alive. He committed suicide while in custody.

  When the Allies liberated the camps, they told the world what they saw. They told the world about the shock and revulsion they felt as they walked past piles of dead skeletal bodies, showers turned into deadly gas chambers, the crematoriums, and the horrific living conditions the prisoners had been forced to endure. The survivors, who were now free, but alone and homeless, began searching for their displaced loved ones. Some still search today.

  Chapter 53

  The Forest Outside Munich

  N

  ews of Germany’s loss of the war had not yet reached the Partisans, though. Weeks had passed since any of the group had been able to secure any batteries for the radio. Consequently, they had not received the word.