Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “Aria?” I see the concern and maybe anger in his eyes as he gazes down at me, his hand holding my wrist while his other cups my cheek.

  “Can we talk after? Do you need to get back to work right away?”

  He exhales, shaking his head. He wants to talk. I know he does.

  “I’m free till five. We do need to talk, though.”

  I nod, placing my hand over his on my face.

  “We will. I promise.”

  Gavin is quiet as he drives my Jeep back to my apartment, his hand in mine our only contact. The pit in my stomach feels like an abyss that only gets deeper over time. I’m terrified of hearing the words I know are true. This is too much, too soon.

  “Babe?” My voice shakes, betraying the fear lingering inside me.

  His eyes dart to mine, darkened in the Chicago sunset. My heart races and I bite down on my lip, afraid of the inevitable. He’s only met me just weeks ago and I have so much baggage, he wants to end it. I’m sure of it. As I realize that I could never hold a man like Gavin with my broken past, tears sting my eyes and I force myself to look away from him.

  “Never mind,” I murmur as I close my eyes, preparing myself for the blow that will shatter my fallen heart.

  * * *

  “Is anyone home?” Gavin asks, pulling into my complex. I flick my eyes over to his and shake my head.

  “Are you okay, beautiful?” His voice is soft, worried, I think.

  I grasp the handle next to me, thinking rather than saying how I feel.

  He stops me when I push the door open, pulling me to him, his hands cupping my cheeks and his wide, all seeing eyes piercing into mine. I can’t hide my emotions from him that show so clearly on my face.

  “You’ve been crying?” Gavin’s smooth voice caresses me, and I can’t bring myself to look him in the eyes now.

  I dip my head, dropping my gaze from his to my scarred wrist, wondering what he thinks of me now that he’s seen them.

  “Beautiful, no.” Tears well in my eyes as he cradles my face in his hands and presses his lips to my forehead, leaving them there as he speaks softly.

  “I’m not mad at you, baby. I’m just concerned. I thought we were honest with each other last night and then I saw these this morning. Why didn’t you tell me?”

  I nod, twining my hands in my lap and lift my eyes to his.

  “I didn’t want to scare you away, Gavin. You’re just about the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t want to ruin it with all my baggage.”

  He binds me up in his arms, not letting me hide from him, and then presses a kiss to my knuckles as he looks into my eyes.

  “You don’t have to worry about scaring me away, Aria. Trust me, when you meet my mother you’ll see I’m not perfect. I have an ex who’s in Rome right now and quite a few friends that you’ll meet who will bore you to tears. I get jealous easily, I work way too much, and I can’t stay away from you. You can take your pick. You aren’t the only one with baggage and a less-than-perfect past. It’s okay. We just need to be honest with each other.”

  I can’t take my eyes off him while he caresses my face and his eyes soften.

  “I thought it would be too much, Gavin. I don’t want us to mess this up.”

  He presses a tender kiss to my mouth, not saying anything for a moment. Slowly he dips his head, grasps my wrists, and trails his mouth along the marred flesh there.

  “We won’t, baby. Come on, let’s go inside.”

  * * *

  Gavin crawls onto my bed and pulls me onto his lap, kissing my hair. “Tell me why, Aria.”

  I sigh, finding my words.

  “When Jeremy died, I came out of his intensive care unit and told my mom and Kel he was gone. She was so upset and angry, she started to break down, yelling that it was my fault, his death, the accident, everything. I couldn’t take it. I went home and just… broke, and I wanted to shut out the world. I knew my mom didn’t mean what she said, but I started to blame myself. I started drinking, but when that didn’t help, I reached for a razor. I think I just wanted to shut off the pain and the loss. I didn’t want to hurt myself. It helped. The pain, the release of it, helped me cope at the time.”

  Gavin grazes his lips up my face, pressing a kiss to my temple.

  “Was that the only time you did it?”

  I nod, snuggling deeper into his embrace.

  “You have to know that none of that was your fault. Your mom was grieving and I’m sure she didn’t mean what she was saying.”

  I know he’s right, but in a way I still blame myself for my brother’s death. It’s seemingly the only way I can justify the way Mom treated me.

  “I know. I miss him, though. And I miss my mom. She changed after Jeremy died. She buries herself in work.” She left when we needed her the most.

  Gavin tucks my head under his chin and keeps me close. His warmth comforts me.

  “Give her time, beautiful. She’ll come home when she’s ready.”

  I nuzzle my face into his neck and whisper into his skin, “I hope you’re right.”

  He strokes his hand up my back and smooths my hair from the back of my neck. I’m so lost in his touch that I almost don’t hear his whispered words.

  “Are you okay?” Gavin’s fingers wrap around my middle, holding me close.

  I sigh, resting my hands over his forearms that rest against my hips.

  “Yes, now I am.” Having him to lean on means so much to me.

  He tightens his hold on me and lifts one of my hands to his mouth, kissing it softly.

  “Tomorrow is Saturday, the anniversary of his death, and I don’t want you to be suffering with your grief anymore, baby. If you’ll let me, I want to be here for you.”

  Something in his voice stirs me and I turn in his arms, my hands going to his chest when I see his smoldering eyes.

  “Oh, Gavin. Thank you,” I whisper, my mouth pressing to his jaw twice before I drop my face to his neck, breathing in his heavenly mint scent and something else that’s distinctly HIM.

  He rubs his hand up my back and strokes my hair, holding me to him for an immeasurable moment of time. He tugs my hair gently so I lift my head to look at him and when I do, I smile back as I feel my heart race with the sincerity I see in his eyes.

  “Babe,” I whisper, my hands clutching the fabric of his shirt as his breath parts my lips. He runs his fingers down my cheek and ever so slowly dips his head toward mine.

  I’m already breathless when his mouth closes over mine, his lips treasuring mine gently, stealing my breath and sending tingles up my skin when he grasps the back of my neck with his hands. His tongue runs along my bottom lip, his teeth nipping at it hungrily. I moan, desire pooling in my core, my body yearning for him. A soft kiss turns into an urgent one, my hands tangled in his hair and my mouth opening to his. His tongue runs along mine, exploring, tasting, adjoining mine as we passionately eat at each other’s mouths.

  “I want to make love to you so bad right now.”

  I pull away from his lips, breathless and wanton for him.

  “Yes… ”

  He chuckles softly and begins to kiss my jaw, his mouth trailing down to my ear and the oh-so-sensitive spots along my neck.

  I moan, moving closer as he grasps my hips and ravages my neck with soft nips and teasing kisses.

  “I have a meeting with Techtronic’s in twenty minutes,” he whispers as he kisses down my shoulder and unzips my hoodie before pulling it off my body and tossing it on the floor.

  When his lips graze my nipple through the fabric of my polo shirt, I groan, opening my legs eagerly.

  “That’s plenty of time.”

  Eleven

  “SEE YOU TONIGHT?” Gavin whispers as he leans against my door frame, his left hand laced with mine. I nod, an uneasy feeling settling in my gut.

  “Yeah, sure.”

  His eyes look into mine in a strange, unreadable expression for a long moment before he moves off the frame and gives my forehead
a kiss, his mouth gentle along my skin.

  “Call me if you need me, okay?”

  I nod, knowing I’m far from okay. I watch him walk out the door and get into the backseat of a town car. He must have called a driver to come get him while I was in the bedroom. Hastily, I grab my phone and wallet along with the car keys, needing to get some air before the feelings inside of me smother me.

  * * *

  “I miss you, sweetie,” Farah whispers when she opens the door to her apartment on Eastern Avenue. She hugs me tightly and leans back, her eyebrows going up when she sees my expression. Ever since Gavin left for his meetings, I’ve had this pit in my stomach. I’ve come to rely on him so much in the last few weeks it terrifies me.

  “Aria, is something wrong?” Her soft voice is traced with worry as she pulls me into the entryway and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

  “I knew something was up with you at lunch. Did Gavin do something?”

  I hastily shake my head, knowing how well they hit it off at lunch today.

  “No, he’s wonderful. Actually, I think I’ve fallen for him.”

  As I say those words, I gasp at how true they are. I long for his touch, the sound of his voice, the way he says my name. I need him. When I’m sad or happy or anything, I always need him.

  “Have you told him?”

  “Well, no.”

  “This is good, isn’t it?” Her forehead creases in worry, her bright eyes narrowing.

  “I don’t know. I vowed to guard myself, to keep from getting attached, falling in love, and inevitably getting hurt. But Gavin, he just sees right through me. He doesn’t let me hide. He feels so good… God, I’m so confused!”

  She takes one of my hands and gives me a small smile.

  “Sweetie, it’s okay to let yourself trust him. I saw how he couldn’t keep his eyes off you. He might not realize it yet, but he loves you. It’s written all over his face! Trust me, this isn’t one-sided.”

  I take a deep breath, hoping she’s right. But how could he love me? My thoughts scatter as Farah pulls me into her and hugs me.

  “What should I do?” I should tell him how I feel. I should have told him already.

  She sighs, pulling back and giving me a knowing smile, reminding me how lucky I am to have her.

  “Just listen to your heart, Ari.”

  I smile, thanking her as we hug again. My stomach settles and my mind clears. Now I realize that the strange look Gavin gave me this afternoon wasn’t concern or pity, it was bright, filled with care and a safe comfort. Oh my God, it was love.

  Suddenly, Jaden bolts into the room, his phone pressed to his ear and his face looking surprisingly stressed. He usually looks so at ease, but now his eyebrows are drawn together and one hand is clenched into his black hair.

  “She’s here. Yes. All right. Bye, Chase.”

  Who’s here? Who’s Chase? My worries disappear and are replaced with confusion.

  “Your boyfriend is worried about you. You should really help a guy out, Aria.”

  Immediately I stand, worry seeping through my veins. Gavin? Why would he be—oh, no! My scalp prickles when I realize I turned off my phone.

  “What are you talking about? I just had lunch with him.”

  He folds his arms over his chest, agitated.

  “My brother Chase works for him. He says that Mr. Thomas has been looking like crazy for you. Did you guys have a fight or something?”

  “No… ”

  Farah walks around me and steps up to Jaden.

  “Relax, Jay. It’s all right. She’s here.” He nods, his arm going around her as they head into the kitchen, leaving me reeling.

  I reach into my pocket, hastily turning on my iPhone. Once my home screen pops up, I dial Gavin’s cell and press it to my ear. I’m bordering between worry and nervousness.

  “Aria!” he answers, his voice laced with worry.

  “It’s me,” I whisper.

  “Why did you turn your phone off?” His voice is strung tight.

  “It slipped my mind. I was just talking to Farah. Why were you so worried?”

  He exhales, obviously at war with something.

  “You’re at Farah’s?”

  “Yes.”

  “See you soon. Don’t leave.”

  “Gavin… I can just meet you at home”

  A low chuckle of laughter omits from him and it has no trace of humor in it. He must be really mad, I think to myself.

  “Jaden told me where to find you, Aria. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

  “Okay.”

  His voice has such a dominant bite to it that when he hangs up on me, I just stand there staring at my phone screen for a good two minutes. What the hell?

  Farah comes back in and takes a hold of my shoulders, lifting my gaze to hers.

  “What did he say?”

  “He’s on his way. I have no idea what’s going on with him.”

  She chuckles and pulls me into the kitchen with her.

  “Welcome to the world of men and dating, sweetie!”

  Once we finish off grilled cheese sandwiches and diet sodas, Farah pulls on her North Face jacket and Jaden leaves to start her Lexus.

  “We’re going to go to a movie and let you two have some time. Text me, okay?”

  I nod, kissing her cheek and sitting back down at the kitchen island as I hear them pull out of the driveway.

  I don’t know how long I sit there, trying to make sense of my feelings. His overprotective nature drives me crazy, but makes my heart race, too. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t get so worried, would he? There are so many things I love about him. His eyes, his crooked smile that makes me weak in the knees, the sound of his voice, and God, his kisses just take my breath away. Could this be right? I just don’t know. Okay, I do know. But I’m scared.

  There’s a soft knock on the front door and when I pull it open, I have to suck in a breath. Gavin’s bright blue-gray eyes gaze down into mine, his forehead creasing as he lets out a breath, looking me up and down for injury, and his hand tentatively coming up to my cheek.

  “Are you okay?” he whispers, pulling me into his chest and winding his arms tightly around me. I press my face to his neck and nod, feeling the tension leave his body as I clutch onto his collared shirt.

  “Yeah. Why the overreaction, Gavin?”

  He pulls away and runs both hands through his tousled hair, stepping into the apartment and pacing the length of the living room a few times. When his eyes finally shift back to mine, they are filled with uncertainty.

  “You can’t do that to me, Aria. I couldn’t call or text you, you weren’t at your place. Do you have any idea what time it is?”

  I gape up at him, at a loss for words.

  “It’s almost six, Aria. I was worried.” His voice is filled with anguish and it tears at my heart knowing I caused him to worry. As quickly as I can, I go to him, cup his cheeks in my hands and gaze up into the wide pools of emotion that are his eyes. My breath catches, seeing concern and possibly love in his eyes.

  “I’m sorry I worried you. Why were you so worried, though? It’s not like we’ve been seeing each other for a long time.” That last part just slips out. Crap.

  His eyes harden at my last statement and abruptly he pulls away from me.

  “I’ve been having one of my security guards detail Bryce Williams and he was seen in the Downtown South End. I thought, Christ, Aria. I was afraid he got to you!”

  Bryce? Security detail? Oh, God. It feels like the bottom of my world drops away in those long seconds when I hear his name. I can’t move. I can’t breathe. I clutch onto the island behind me and gasp for air as the memories come back full force. His dark eyes. His grip on my chin when he got angry. The cold look in his eyes that last night when he took everything I’d had left to give.

  “Wait, how did you know his last name?” I say in a broken voice.

  “The police reports are a matter of public record, Aria. I had to protect you. This is
the only way I know how.” He’s pacing and wearing a hole in Farah’s kitchen floor.

  “B-Bryce? He was… Oh, my God.” The breath whooshes out of me and suddenly I feel lightheaded. I begin to fall to the floor.

  Gavin’s intense eyes widen and he catches me in strong, sure arms. My body shakes with a cold shiver as his arms cradle me against his chest, kissing my forehead gently. His warmth spreads through the cold, replacing darkness with white-hot light.

  “Shh, it’s okay. You’re safe, beautiful.” His soft voice is the only thing I can focus on.

  I shake my head. I’m so angry with myself for my carelessness. I gaze into Gavin’s deep eyes, my heart stuttering when I see his fierce look, as if he’d step in front of a bullet to keep me safe. I know he would. I feel my heart break open, letting in the light and shining the truth that I’ve refused to admit until now. I love him. I love him. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I’m in love with this man. My Gavin.

  “I’m so sorry, Gavin. Please don’t let me go,” I whisper, my voice heavy with fear as he scoops me into his arms and settles me on the love seat before kneeling in front of me. He grasps my hands tightly in his and his stormy blue eyes capture mine.

  “I love you, beautiful. I won’t let you go.”

  * * *

  I gasp for precious air, losing my voice as those three words replay in my mind over and over again. I love you. I love you, beautiful.

  As the wheels start turning in my head again, my heart speeds up. It all starts to make sense. The look in his eyes, his gentle touch, his protectiveness. He can’t stay away from me. Oh, my God, he loves me. And I fell for him that first day he called me beautiful.

  “Aria, are you okay?” Gavin asks, his hands linked with mine across my thighs and his blue-gray eyes locked on mine. They swim with everything I haven’t allowed myself to see until this very moment. God, I’m so much in love with him.

  “Could you say that again?” I whisper shakily. He slowly smiles, one of his hands cradling my cheek, his eyes blazing with such sincerity.

  “I love you. I’m so in love with you. Ever since I saw you dance at the studio and your gorgeous green eyes looked into mine, I was gone, baby.”

  My heart stutters as those words seep through me. Then I realize that he isn’t alone in this. I’ve been drawn to him since the very first time I laid eyes on him, only four weeks ago. I love him.