Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “You sore, Aria? I can see it in your stance.”

  I nod, stretching once more and pulling my hair into a messy bun. A slow, lingering melody begins and my eyes flutter closed. The notes collide into each other, creating a sad haunting mood as my first steps glide over the floor. As the dance ends, I keep my eyes closed, taking in a cleansing breath. It’s as if I can see Jeremy applauding, just as he always had when I performed. It calms me. When I open my eyes, I lock onto Gavin’s intense gaze. He pulls me to him and I press my face to his neck, inhaling his minty scent.

  “What did I do to deserve a goddess like you, baby?”

  I kiss him at the side of his mouth, my heart skipping a beat at his hungry gaze.

  “You’re stuck with me, Gavin.”

  He smiles wide, cupping my cheeks as his mouth closes over mine, stealing my breath and creating tingles across the surface of my skin. His heady scent overwhelms me and hunger smothers my senses. My hands grip onto his hair. His tongue runs along my lower lip and his hands cup my cheeks, treasuring the tingling skin. I open to him, moaning his name as he explores my mouth eagerly. He is tasting, adoring, teasing, and torturing my mouth. He groans, his hot breath coming across my parted lips. I don’t think I’ll ever tire of this. His touch, his taste, his hands. It’s addicting to me. Then, his phone rings.

  “Sorry,” he breathes, gazing down at his smart phone and frowning. “I have to go, baby. You okay to get home?”

  I kiss his lips quickly, nodding.

  “I’ll have Kel bring my car here, no worries. How about I bring you dinner later. Will you be free by seven?”

  His eyes brighten and his delectable mouth turns up into that smile I love.

  “See you then, Aria. Don’t turn off your phone, okay?”

  I nod, our hands slipping away from each other from the distance of our bodies.

  “You ready for a warm up?” Eli calls, forcing my gaze away from Gavin’s departing backside. My cheeks heat and I nod, heading toward the mats once more.

  * * *

  I slip off my ballet flats and look up to see Kel leaning by the benches across the studio.

  “Hey.” She grins and throws an arm around my shoulder as we head out of the entrance and toward her BMW.

  “How’s the wedding planning going?” I ask as we drive to Henry’s Pub, our favorite lunch spot in East End.

  “Amazing! Everything’s coming together. I can’t believe in only two weeks I’ll be married.”

  Her face lights up, and I see how genuinely happy she is. I’d wanted to be with her every step of the way as she plans her dream wedding but with the showcase coming up and the distraction that is Gavin Thomas, I think she knows my mind’s been elsewhere.

  “Good. I’m so sorry I haven’t helped more with the wedding. If you need anything… ”

  She grasps my hand in hers and gives me a knowing smile.

  “I know you’re here for me. You’ve had so much going on… I completely understand.”

  I nod, my chest warming from the light that Kel carries in her eyes and her words.

  “How’s Gavin?”

  “Well, things are… .He’s just so unbelievable. I told him I love him, Kel.”

  She parks in front of Henry’s and gives me a shit-eating grin. Oh goodness.

  “Oh, my God! And what did he say?”

  I blush, remembering his heartfelt words.

  “Like I said, unbelievable”

  She squeals happily and hugs me tight, too tight.

  “I’m so happy for you!”

  She releases me, smiling.

  “I know.”

  We walk into the dive and my stomach grumbles.

  I moan in appreciation at the delicious triple stacked cheeseburger I’m well into. Kel picks at her fries, telling me all about the details of the wedding.

  “Are you listening?”

  I look up, nodding as my thoughts roam to Jasmine and the uneasy feeling I have that she’s not going anywhere soon.

  “Sorry, I was just lost in thought. This thing with Gavin’s ex has me a little worried, you know?”

  She gazes at me and shakes her head as if I’m crazy.

  “That man is crazy for you, Aria. You know that. If his ex wants him back, so be it. He loves you. That’s all that matters.”

  How does she know exactly what I need to hear? I relax, nodding. She’s right. I’m being silly. He loves me.

  “Thanks, Kel. Actually, do you mind if I order something to go? I thought I’d bring him some dinner.”

  She grins, popping a fry into her mouth as I wave over our waitress.

  “Can I get an order of fettuccine Alfredo to go? With a Blue Moon?”

  She smiles warmly, a strand of her red hair falling into her eye.

  “No problem. Anything else?”

  “No, thank you.”

  We stack our dishes and Kel’s cell rings.

  “I’ll meet you in the car,” she says, putting down her half of the bill as she scoots out of the booth.

  “Okay, hon.”

  With a to-go box in hand, I check my messages, figuring on at least one or two from Gavin.

  Nothing. He must be busy, I tell myself and get into the car as Kel rants to someone about how this is her special day and she deserves the world. I bite my lip, feeling a little bad for whoever is on the other end of the line.

  After a detour to Glendale Florist for an order change that Kel insisted we had to do, she parks toward the front of Thomas.

  “Your man is rich!”

  I giggle, taking off my seat belt eagerly. Missing him already.

  “I wouldn’t care if he was a janitor, Kel.”

  She turns to me, smiling.

  “I know, sweetie. Don’t take too long, we’ve got that dinner tonight.”

  I grab the food and make my way into the building, amazed at how massively huge it is.

  I hop onto the elevator, smoothing my sundress down my backside and letting my hair out of its bun. My mind starts to wander between floors. How is it possible to miss someone this much? It’s just crazy.

  * * *

  I step off the elevator at the 26th floor, coming to a door that reads Gavin Thomas, CEO.

  Somehow seeing his name on the door just excites me more. I open it and there’s a long granite counter, a reception desk, and behind it is a man with blond hair and the darkest of blue eyes and a charming smile.

  “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

  “Hi, I’m Aria Morgan. I’m here to see Gavin. We have a date.”

  His grin is infectious and he tells me to go down the hall and his office will be the first on the right.

  “I’m sorry, Jazz,” I overhear the carrying voices from the front lobby, and I know immediately who Gavin is talking to. Just hearing his voice laced with worry for someone else has my breath catching in my throat. Why is she in his office? What the hell?

  Confusion, closely followed by a haze of unease settles inside me. My gut tells me to turn away and call Gavin tomorrow once I’ve had time to think about the questions swirling in my head. But my heart keeps me walking towards the open door to his office.

  I hear his soft voice soothing her. Jazz. God, he’s talking to Jasmine. I feel sick. When I round the corner I see his office door open, his arms wrapped around Jasmine, her long blonde hair pulled into a braid as she clutches onto him. His lips land in her hair as he holds her in his arms.

  “I can’t believe it, Gavin. I can’t… ” I can see them now and the sight guts me.

  Jasmine is holding onto Gavin as she cries, her sounds loud and filled with anguish. I watch as she sobs into his dress shirt and he holds her tighter. The embrace is intimate, and the sight of it is almost too much to watch.

  “Shhh,” he soothes her and when she pulls away, her hands grip the collar of his shirt while one of his hands is at the small of her back.

  My heart beats a panicked rhythm in my chest and tears build in my eyes. I tell myself to
look away. I can’t possibly be witnessing this. When I see her lips press to his, all the breath leaves my body. A sound, low and guttural erupts from my chest, the pain searing through me at the sight. My Gavin with her. I hastily turn around, blocking the image from my sight. I can’t take it anymore. How could he? After everything we had?

  I’m still not enough for him.

  The thought makes me want to get away from them as soon as possible.

  Was it all a sham? Did he ever truly want me?

  I drop the food on the floor by his office, tears streaming down my cheeks, and run toward the exit. Doubts and hurt and so much anger fill me. My heart is being ripped apart, my stomach lurching as I make it just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into a trash can next to the outer doors of the office building.

  How could I have been so stupid? He’s probably been seeing her this whole time and I was just too blind to see it. I loved him… .God, I love him with everything inside me. I run even faster away from the scene and then I hear footsteps behind me.

  I hear his deep voice calling behind me. I try to wipe away my sadness as I realize he saw me. He came for me. Gavin yells my name louder and I halt at the sound of his voice. It’s laced with something? Shame? Worry? Fear, I think. I just don’t know why.

  “I swear to God this isn’t what you think, Aria. You have to know… ”

  Anger seeps through me, replacing the crippling pain for a moment. I turn around and walk to him, my body vibrating with so many emotions I don’t have a prayer of stopping the words bubbling up my dry throat.

  “I have to know what, Gavin? Please tell me because it looks like I’ve seen enough!”

  I wipe my mouth, sweeping my hair away from my face as the tears keep coming.

  “Baby, I… ” Before I know what I’m doing my hand flies out and lands forcefully against his cheek, knocking his face to the side. His eyes shoot back to mine, his gasp audible. I see the fear in his eyes now, along with a slow humming love that’s ever present in his gaze. I can’t stand it so I turn away from him, intent on walking away.

  “Don’t leave, Aria. Please listen to me!” His voice is filled with panic.

  I run away from him but somehow can hear when he yells to me, his deep voice jolting me with the fierceness in it.

  “You have to know you’re my world, Aria!”

  By the time I get into my sister’s Jeep again, my entire body is shaking.

  “Aria! Are you okay? What happened?”

  I breathe in and out, struggling, and finally find the words.

  “Please. Drive.”

  Sixteen

  KEL HANDS ME A STEAMING hot cup of cocoa and kneels beside me on her couch.

  “What happened?”

  I sigh, turning to her. I try to reach inside and grasp onto my inner strength but, honestly, I’m not sure if I have anything left.

  “I saw him. Jasmine was there. His ex.”

  She gasps, wiping my tears away. Her eyes are filled with compassion and especially with my broken heart, I’m thankful to have such a loving sister.

  “Why was she there?”

  “I don’t know. She was upset, I think. Gavin was holding her and then they kissed.”

  I take in a breath then slowly let it out, trying in vain to keep my tears at bay.

  “Oh, sweetheart, I’m so sorry. What happened next?”

  I gaze up at her, shrugging my shoulders in response.

  “You didn’t talk to him?”

  I shake my head. What could he have possibly said to explain himself?

  “I couldn’t. I knew she wanted him back. I just never thought she’d take him from me like this.”

  Then Kel pulls me into her arms and I let go. The tears come and my body shakes with sobs, unrelenting and uncontrollable sobs. The whole time, all I can ask myself is how could he do this to me? How could the man that I’ve been slowly falling for these past weeks do this to me?

  Once I’ve seemed to cry myself dry, I occupy myself by practicing the moves for my showcase performance tomorrow. My heart feels empty after seeing that slut kissing Gavin, but I refuse to waste any more tears. After my body is pushed to its limit I sink down on the mats in the guest bedroom and take a sip of water. For the first time, I listen to the words of the song playing.

  You hold me without touch,

  You keep me without chains.

  I never wanted anything so much.

  To drown in your love,

  And I’ll feel your rain.

  Set me free, leave me be

  I don’t want to fall another moment into your gravity.

  Here I am and I stand so tall

  Just the way I’m supposed to be.

  I remember the very moment I saw Gavin he took my breath away. Even with how badly I want to hate him, I can’t, because I love him. How can it all just be in the past? I can’t bring myself to believe that.

  “Come on, Ari. You need some rest before the showcase tomorrow.”

  Kel shuts off the music and rests her hands on her hips.

  “Okay, I’ll try. No promises, though.”

  I get up and she hugs me tight, and then closes the door behind her as she leaves.

  I crawl into the full-size bed, curling into a ball on my side and closing my eyes, willing sleep to find me. I yearn to feel Gavin’s strong arms around me from behind, his chin resting against my shoulder as it always does as we fall asleep together. To hear him whisper “Sleep, baby” just before my eyes drift closed. And it’s with thoughts of his sweet murmurs and love-filled eyes that I find sleep.

  * * *

  Gavin

  I parked my car, felt my hands shaking where I gripped the steering wheel. Forcing a breath out of my lungs, I tried to calm myself down. All I could see was my beautiful girl’s eyes when she walked—no, ran away from me. From the pain I’d unknowingly caused her tonight. From the moment I opened my office door and saw Jasmine of all people huddled on the sectional, I knew I should have kicked her out, left her there, done something other than try to help. But goddamn it, if I’d done that, if I’d turned Jasmine away and been the heartless son of a bitch I used to be after she broke my heart all those years ago, I wouldn’t deserve a girl like my Aria. My Beautiful. Then, she’d walked in at the worst possible time. I had my arms locked around Jasmine. Trying to comfort her, to somehow make her stop feeling so badly. When she told me her father cut her off financially I knew exactly how she was feeling. It was exactly how I had felt years ago. My dad and I had our problems, and when he’d cut me off from the money I was so used to, it was a shock. But eventually, it helped me.

  I saw the hurt, the anger, and the doubts flitting out from Aria’s guarded emerald green eyes. Could almost feel her withdrawing from me, could feel how her heart broke the moment she saw me holding her. Shit. I pulled both hands through my hair, clenching my fists. God, I was about to lose everything I’d ever wanted, I needed to fight for her. For Aria. If she would just answer her goddamn phone. I groaned aloud when I heard her soft voice in her voice-mail message. Again. If she would just listen, give me one chance to explain I could make this right. I had to make this right. Losing Aria was not an option. Christ, I couldn’t even fathom living without her.

  “Aria. I need to talk to you. Please. I love you more than anything and I promise you, I would never cheat on you. But since you won’t answer your phone, I have to explain. Jasmine showed up at my office around 6:30, she was upset… ” My voice cracks with the thick emotion crawling up my throat. I rest my head against the steering wheel and surrender to the heavy weight spreading through my chest.

  “I swear to you, it’s not what you think. She was barely holding herself together. Her father cut her off last week and she was a mess. I felt bad, knowing how she was feeling. When I was 16 years old, my dad temporarily cut me off when I was getting into some trouble with my friends at the time. I felt so angry, and betrayed, and hopeless. I hugged Jasmine, told her everything would be okay, th
at she could make her own money with her modeling and that it wasn’t as bad as she thought. She started crying, Aria I promise you I don’t feel anything for her. She kissed me, I had no idea she was going to do that. I pushed her off of me in the next second and then I saw you. Baby please believe me, I love you and I only want you. Call me… ”

  When I begrudgingly press end call on my phone, tears are welling in my eyes and they blur my vision. Pushing my car’s door open, I walk across the way towards the apartment building where my Beautiful girl lives with her sister. I climb up the steps to her door and pause to pull my left hand through my hair before knocking three times. Please let her be here. Let her give me a chance to explain. And I’m immediately disappointed when Luke pulls open the door. A smug grin spreads his face.

  “Man you look like shit” I push his shoulder back and focus my eyes on the closed door to Aria’s bedroom in the hallway not even ten feet behind him.

  “Shut up, Luke. Is she here?” Hope fills my voice; I hadn’t even realized I was going to end up here. But now, I’m determined to see her. To see that my girl is okay.

  “Asleep now, I think. But Gavin, you need to give her time. She’s hurting right now.”

  God. I already knew this but having it said aloud caused the pit in my stomach to go deeper.

  “Luke I—” I’m interrupted when Kaelyn slips out of the bedroom, her hand turning the knob closed once more. Her blonde hair is pulled into a bun and when she comes to stand beside Luke, I can see the tracks of tears staining her face. Fuck, I have to make this right. I have to.

  “You both have to know—” my voice cracks, betraying me.

  “I would rather die than hurt that girl in there. She’s my world. I love her, Kel.”

  Her smile is wavering with emotion and when she looks up to Luke, nodding her head, he steps back and allows me to pass. I just need to see her. My Aria.

  “Thank you, thank you” I whisper to Kaelyn as I lean down to kiss her cheek.

  “Gavin?” Its Kaelyn’s voice. I turn around, my hand closing around Aria’s doorknob.

  “Don’t wake her, okay? It took a lot to get her to sleep, and her showcase is tomorrow”