Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “Oh, Aria we were so worried. Are you OK, are you feeling OK?”

  She sits on the side of my bed and kisses my forehead gently.

  “Physically I’m OK, Kel. Please don’t worry about me, you have to worry about not just you, but that little one too. I’m fine.” My voice breaks a little when I refer to her and Lucas’ bundle of joy. When I heard she was expecting, I was filled with joy for her and for Lucas. They’ve been through so much and they deserve the happy ending that she dreamed about when we were kids. But it feels like a knife twisting inside of me, knowing that we would have given birth together if only I hadn’t lost my baby girl. Somehow, my eyes begin to burn with emotion and hastily I turn my head away so my sister won’t see. Her hand reaches out to my shoulder and I feel Lucas’ concerned gaze on me even though I’m looking at the wall beside me.

  “Aria, honey I’m so sorry. The doctor told us. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you’re feeling right now. I’m here for you, so is Lucas and Farah, Jaden, Dad and mom showed up last night. We’re all here to help you through this.”

  I gasp audibly at the news that my mother is here at the hospital. God. The last time I spoke to her was more than a year ago. The night my dear brother, Jeremy got into an accident and lost so much blood in the emergency room of this very hospital. It was the worst night in my family’s lives. The night we lost him.

  I turn towards her and tell her to help me sit up. A shooting pain goes from my head to my stomach, but I bite my lip and breathe through it. Once I’m sitting up in bed with the pillows propping my back up, I take a slow sip of the water Lucas hands me. The smooth clear liquid slides down my throat like honey and it soothes my aching muscles to have something inside me.

  “When did she get here?”

  Kel takes my hand and gently squeezes.

  “Last night around midnight. She begged us to let her see you, but you were still in critical condition and you weren’t allowed visitors. Honestly, I didn’t want her here, but Dad insisted we let her stay.”

  I don’t know how I feel about seeing my mother after over a year, but now more than ever, I need her. I have my family and friends here to help me get through this, but I know nothing will compare to making things right with my mother again.

  “I want to see her, Kel.”

  Her honey brown eyes sear into mine and then she sighs and nods at me. She leans over and kisses my cheek.

  “You’re going to be OK again, Aria.”

  As she leaves the room with Lucas trailing behind her, I doubt that.

  * * *

  The sedative the nurse gave me begins to set in as I wait for Kel to find our mother. My hands curl in the bed sheets as a mixture of sadness and longing finds its way to the surface. The emptiness hasn’t left me since I woke up and now it’s only accompanied with a sheer longing to see my mom again. It’s been a year since we’ve been face to face, why would she choose now to come back?

  A small knock followed by the sound of the door opening slowly lets me know either my sister came back or…

  “Ariana? Can I come in?” Her soft voice makes warmth spread along with a pinch of apprehension. If she still blames me for Jeremy’s death how could I handle that?

  I couldn’t. It would make the pain inside me so much worse knowing my mother hates me for something that was never my fault.

  “Yes,” I say, turning to lie on my back so that I can face her. Andrea Morgan, my mother and a well-known model, looks worse than I’ve ever seen her. Her dark brown hair is cut to just below her shoulders and is much shorter than I remember. Deep, set in circles are under her amber eyes and a faint smile crosses her face as she steps inside the room and walks towards me. I can see the worry lines etched above her perfect brow and I reach out my hand to take hers. When she enfolds her fingers over mine in acceptance, I feel just a little less empty.

  “I can’t believe you’re here, Mom. Why?” I search her face and she sits on the bed beside me. Her eyes are warm and sultry with the loving light I remember from every day growing up with her. She loved modeling and the brief stage acting she’d done, but her heart was at home with us. That’s why when Jeremy died, her world fell apart. Somewhere deep inside me I’m asking the same question she probably asked herself back over a year ago. Is the loss, the pain all I can feel now? Or can I still let love into my heart from those around me?

  “I came as soon as I got off the plane, Sweetheart. How are you feeling?”

  She sits beside me and wraps an arm around my back, supporting my weight.

  “I feel so lost, Mom. I lost… I was pregnant.” The words seem inadequate to describe the enormity of what I, what Gavin and I lost and I have to force myself to breathe once I’ve said the painful truth I still can’t fathom. My mom’s wide eyes fill with understanding as she nods and before I know it, I’m engulfed in her warm arms. The tears come and this time I don’t stop them. My cries are muffled into her black and gray blouse and she coos reassuring words like it’ll be okay and I’m here for you. Somehow, I hope she’s right. The emotion erupts from the deepest parts inside me and my mother’s arms feel like the only thing holding me up.

  “Shh, I’m here now, Sweetheart. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

  She repeats those three words over and over and lets me cry out all the pain, the agony centered in my heart with the loss I still can’t wrap my mind around. How can I? I didn’t even know I was pregnant and now it feels like a vise grips my heart and keeps squeezing. I remember dreaming about having children with Gavin. About a little girl that would be half of me and half of him. I want that so much and now, will that ever happen?

  I think my mom feels me shudder against her so she pulls back and looks at me.

  “I’m so sorry I haven’t been here, Ariana. When Jeremy left us, I couldn’t deal with the loss. Your father told me to hold on to you girls. To not push us away when we were all hurting so much. But it was like I couldn’t stop myself. None of what happened has ever been your fault, not this and not Jeremy’s accident. Life sucks, but you are so strong, Sweetheart. I’m just so sorry I left you girls to fend for yourselves all this time.”

  Light spreads through my chest at her honest words. She never blamed me. A part of me always longed to know that it wasn’t my fault and my mother didn’t truly blame me for his death and now my heart is a little lighter from that burden.

  I nod and kiss my mom’s cheek in relief. After a moment, the question tumbling around my head tumbles out.

  “I lost her, Mom. How could I not have known?”

  Sighing, she wipes my wet cheeks clear and presses a kiss to my forehead.

  “Sometimes the mind blocks out pain to protect the heart from it. You had no way of knowing unless you’d taken an early pregnancy test, but with everything going on, there was no way you could have known. This is not your fault.”

  My hair is swept from my face and the warmth in my mother’s amber gaze makes a sad smile cover my lips.

  “I love you, Mom,” I say into her embrace and when her arms tighten gently around my shoulders, I know she’s smiling.

  “I love you, Ariana. I’ll never leave you girls again, I promise.”

  I pull back and nod, knowing she will keep her word.

  “Everything is going to be okay. We’ll get you through this.”

  I sigh, partly in sadness and partly in acceptance of her words.

  “I know”

  * * *

  When Lucas opens the door to my old apartment that Kel and I shared, it feels so weird to be standing here with my luggage in hand, which only consists of two bags and my purse. Some clothes, toiletries and keepsakes were mysteriously found in the doorway of my hospital room this morning and when I saw the handwritten note taped to the front of one of the bags, I knew it must have been Gavin. He hates this in every way possible, but he won’t let me go without the things I need. The written words from him made my heart beat just a little faster despite the state I was in.

>   Don’t think for a moment that this is me giving up. I told you once and I’ll tell you again. I won’t let go. I won’t give up on us. We haven’t even scratched the surface of our lives together. I love you.

  Gavin

  Now, as I step inside the place I’d lived and been happy with my sister before meeting Gavin, it feels like another lifetime ago. Just after getting home from their honeymoon, Lucas and Kel moved out of here and into a quaint home in Waverly Springs just outside of the city so I know this place has hardly been lived in. I set my bags down just as a strong pair of hands squeeze my shoulders from behind me.

  “I made an appointment for this afternoon with the therapist the doctor suggested. I can drive you if you want,” Lucas says and everything inside me wants to revolt against the idea of going to another therapist. After landing in the hospital about six months ago, I had to see a regular mandated therapist twice a week and even though at first it made the depression and anxiety I was feeling that much worse, it did help. I know I have to do whatever it takes to help myself through this, if not for me or for Gavin and the life we’ve planned, for Tessa. I owe it to her to keep trying no matter how hard the future ahead of me seems. I nod and turn to give him a weak smile.

  “Thanks, what time is the appointment?”

  He looks briefly at his phone and then back up at me.

  “Four. I have to go pick up Kel from the school, but I’ll see you at three thirty?”

  I’d completely forgotten that Kel had a training class this morning. She wanted to do elementary school teaching now that her future with Lucas was flourishing. She’d always wanted to do it but now seemed like time for her.

  “Of course! I’m just going to unpack and make some lunch. Say hi to Kel for me.”

  He nods and presses a kiss on my forehead before heading out the way he came in.

  I turn and rub my hand over the center of my chest where I ache to be in Gavin’s—our home, instead of here. Even after only two days of being away from him, I miss him.

  “Hey, Ari?” Lucas calls from the doorway and I turn.

  “You’ve got this.” The note of confidence that I wouldn’t give up at the lowest time in my life makes me smile genuinely for the first time in what feels like a very long time.

  “I knew my sister was right for keeping you around, Luke. I really needed to hear that, thank you.” He grins and I see both understanding and pride in his green eyes.

  “Anytime.”

  When he finally closes the door behind him, I go to the lock and lock both the chain and the doorknob. Out of habit, I guess. There is truly no threat now but I still feel safer with the door locked. Looking around me, I sigh. What if this is what my life consists of now? If I can’t heal, if it isn’t possible, can I truly force myself to stay away from the one man I love more than anything? A few weeks, maybe even a few months I can withstand, but longer? God, I don’t know if I can do that. I guess I just have to have faith that time will heal both my grief from losing such a precious gift and my sadness now that our lives may never be the same.

  Thirty Five

  Three Months Later

  Gavin

  I CLOSE THE DOOR SOFTLY to my bedroom and walk towards the bed to see my younger sister curled up like a cat in the middle of it. She has started coming over more and more ever since Aria was let out of the hospital, almost as if she thinks that if she isn’t here to watch me I’ll run over to Kel and Lucas’ and beg her to see me. Has it crossed my mind, yes but she asked me for time. I’d hoped that after a few days, I could convince her to come home so we could work on us. So we could be what we were only a few short months ago. Happy. In love. Free from the weight of the past, both hers and mine. But except for three chance meetings where I got to see my Aria, she’s refused to see me. Lucas told me she is putting all her focus into the ballet show she’d auditioned for back in June. I’m so happy she’s found a way to fill her passion that drew me right to her when we first met, but it feels worse knowing that I can’t be there to see her perform, to see her fall and then get back up and try and try and try until she lands her routines perfectly. To see her curtsy after each show, to see the pride and elation in her eyes. Christ. I dig my hands in the back of my scalp and rub out the pressure that I feel there. It feels as if I’m going out of my mind without her. Before I met Aria Georgia Morgan, my life was complete. I had my family and my colleagues and my work. I had all the money and things I could ask for and I’d thought I was content. Damn, was I wrong about that? True happiness was Aria and the love she’s given me. I won’t survive losing her and that is the only thing keeping me from running to her and pushing until she takes me back. I promised her time. I have to give her that, at least for now.

  “You miss her,” Callie’s sleep slurred voice wakes me from my constant thoughts of Aria and I turn my head to see her resting up on her elbows and her eyes narrowing at me.

  “What?”

  She laughs under her breath, shaking her head at me.

  “I said you miss her, big brother. You’re like a shell of the man you were when you were with her. Why don’t you call her?”

  I blink a few times in surprise at that. She’s said numerous times how I should give Aria space and that if I push too hard, too fast I could force her away for good.

  “I’m not saying go over there and profess your undying love, I’m saying call her. It might help to talk without any pressure to make decisions. Just let her know you’re here for her, no matter what she needs. Trust me, it might help.”

  Callie sits up and kisses my cheek before heading out of my bedroom door. I barely hear the door close when all I can think about is her. It will help. I know that more than anything, the chance to talk to her and have the chance to hear her voice again is all I want and it will help. I rub at my chest where the ache that hasn’t gone away since I left Aria in that hospital room three months ago gets worse at the thought that she may reject to hear from me. As I pull my phone out of my pocket and see her picture on the contact information, I press call with a shaking hand.

  “Hello?” Her voice is soft and I can tell she either just woke up or she saw my name before answering and was unsure of herself. I hate the thought.

  “Aria,” I say her name and it feels like coming home. Three long, torturous months missing her and I can finally hear her voice again. I hate myself for calling her when I know she asked me for time after we’d lost our daughter. But three months feels like an eternity and I can’t stop myself. As I hear her exhale as if in relief, I inwardly thank my nosy sister for telling me to do the one thing I should have done every day since I left her. But it was the right thing to do, to wait for her. It hurt like hell, though.

  “Are you OK?” She whispers and I want to laugh at the thought of me being OK without her.

  “No, Beautiful. How are you? I know I shouldn’t have called you… ”

  My voice trails off, unsure what to say first. Am I sorry? No. I miss her more than anything and I am done wishing and wanting the one girl who’s turned my world upside down. She is mine and I won’t give up on her now.

  “Gavin, I’m so happy you called. I—I miss you.”

  My chest warms at those words and I can hear the sorrow and the longing in her beautiful voice.

  “Christ, Aria. I feel like I’m going crazy without you.”

  She sighs softly and I can hear the conflict in her voice. She’s not there yet. Maybe I’m not either, but I want her with me.

  “I know I’m asking a lot for you to wait for me Gavin, I’m so sorry.”

  She has no reason to be sorry. None.

  “Aria, I’ll wait forever for you. You have nothing to be sorry for.”

  “It won’t be forever. Just a little longer?”

  There is hope in her voice and it stirs my soul to hear it.

  “I’ll be waiting,” I vow, then I let her go for what I hope is the last time.

  * * *

  Aria

  The final cu
rtain falls in front of where we all stand in a line, curtsying and bowing to the enormous applause from what has to be hundreds of people. I’m filled with elation that we pulled off such a seamless production, without the common glitches that new crews find themselves with. Alas The Night was a perfect success and I’m proud to be part of it. The moment the second curtain goes down we all erupt in cheers. A few girls that I’ve practiced with and gotten to know these past three weeks enfold me in a hug so tight I start to laugh with them. The weight in my chest feels a lot lighter today and I’m so grateful for that.

  “You were amazing, Aria!” Becca exclaims and we all turn back and smile at each other. While she is a more refined dancer than most of us, she has such a bright way to her that I truly have no room to be jealous of her talents. Dance has been my life for so long and I love being able to share it with all of these talented and beautiful dancers.

  Leo, the stage director and a mentor to all of us, claps his hands and I can see how excited he is about what just happened. All faces turn towards him, we are all buzzing with excitement.

  “Thank you so much to all of you, that was magic out there. Let’s get out of here, shall we?” He smiles proudly and gives each of us a hug as we pass him towards the exit. We all cheer once we’re outside and I follow Becca and her friend Livy out of the backstage area of the auditorium. As the adrenaline I felt from the show starts to recede, I remember the sound of Gavin’s voice when he called me this morning. He sounded so… I don’t know. Sad. He misses me. I could hear it in his voice.

  I feel like I’m going crazy without you…

  I hate making him wait for me, but what else can I do? The past three months have been a long and pain filled process of rebuilding my cracked relationship with my mother who’s come home for good and faithfully attending group therapy and individual sessions with Dr. Madison. Gavin gave me her number before he’d left and I called her that same night. It’s made me realize that nothing could have prevented what happened to Tessa. Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be. I may never know why I lost our baby girl before I even got the chance to feel her kick or to hear her tiny heartbeat. I went through immeasurable pain in those sessions that followed my first call to her and finally I feel like I can breathe again. Talking to Gavin again felt like the best sign of fate telling me that I am as ready as I can be to face him after all that’s happened. I owe it to him to try.