Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  I make my way out to my KIA and see a note taped to my front window. Curious, I walk faster and I see my mom’s perfect handwriting from feet away.

  I’m sorry I had to leave before I could see you, but you were exquisite and I am so proud of you for following your dreams, Sweetheart. I’ll see you tomorrow for breakfast.

  Love, Mom.

  I smile at her note and tuck it under my arm before carefully sitting down in the front seat. The white flow dress I wore for Lena’s last scene is made of a mixture of loose satin material for the skirt and thin lace covering my torso. It’s gorgeous and if I tear it I’m sure the theater will have my neck. It must cost more than my paycheck is worth. Once I’m sure it won’t tear from how I’m sitting, I put the car into drive.

  I am ready to take back my life. I’m ready to heal. As that thought sticks in my mind, I turn around towards the east end of the city, knowing there is one thing I have to do.

  I pull up to Marley’s Cove and pull the key from the ignition. I don’t know how I found myself here, but here I am. I remember when Gavin brought me, it was technically our first date because the day we met, I wasn’t sure if I even wanted him to come to the party my sister sneakily invited him to. But he showed up and afterwards he brought me here. I remember this place being the first place after I lost myself that I felt peace. Calm. Like maybe I would be OK. I never thought that I would fall in love with Gavin Thomas and be completely happy for the first time in my life. But I don’t regret even one moment of that, even though it led me to losing myself for a second time.

  I get out of the car and lean my hip against the hood. I close my eyes and just stand there. I don’t think, I don’t feel, I don’t worry. I just be.

  Behind my eyelids, I picture Tessa. Her messy brown hair like Gavin’s and her emerald green eyes like mine, so bright that they look almost yellow. Her first steps. Her first words. How would it sound when she said Mom for the first time? Would she have Gavin’s husky laugh that I love so much? Would she be like him or me or completely different from either of us?

  I don’t know if it’s this place, the sunset I know is there before my eyes or the sense of peace I feel in this moment but my heart squeezes painfully in my chest and I open my mouth and I scream. I empty my lungs with every ounce of strength inside me. I scream. For every lost moment. For every sad thought that has made it impossible to sleep at night. For the daughter I could have raised with the only man I’ve ever loved. I open my eyes and don’t realize they are welling with tears until they spill over my cheeks and down to my chin. I let them come. I let the emotions take over me for this moment in time. I sink to the ground and let it smother me. Swallow me whole. And then, after an immeasurable amount of time grieving for the loss I can finally accept, I let her go. I take the necklace from around my neck where I had her initials engraved and step to the grass covered ground. There is a stone where I rest my knees and it reads;

  Tessa Lynn Morgan, may you rest in peace. You were loved.

  There was nothing that could be brought to rest in this place but when Lucas showed me the stone he and Kel bought for my daughter, it was the best gift I’ve ever been given. She has a place now. She is at peace now and as I stand up and press a kiss to my hand, press it to the stone, I feel at peace with my heart and know I may have not forgotten the loss I’d suffered, but I’ve healed from it. It still hurts, it will always hurt but I know she’s at peace now. That’s all I can ever ask for.

  “I love you baby girl. You’re free now,” I whisper before heading back the way I came and vowing to live each day knowing that she is not lost, but in a better place. She’ll live on through me and through whatever the future holds for us. I back out of the cove and head straight towards the only place I’ve ever called home, hoping I’m not too late.

  * * *

  My hands are shaking as I knock three times on the front door to the penthouse. It’s just after dusk and I know he should be home, but I didn’t bother to call him to check. Determination settles within me. I have to see him. I don’t care how long I have to wait to ask him this question.

  I hear footsteps from the other side of the door and I suck in a breath as the door swings open in front of me, where Gavin stands. He’s dressed in a blue sweater with black buttons across his torso, dark jeans and bare feet. His eyes widen as we stare at each other, the blues and grays of his eyes are all I see. Joy and relief and such love for this man tumble through me and I don’t know who moves first, me or him. Does it really matter? All I know is we draw together like gravity. I’m pulled into his chest and my hands find their way into his messy brown hair that is long again. His head falls against my neck where he takes a deep breath and I wrap my arms around his back so tightly that I’m sure we’ll become one person in this embrace.

  “Baby,” he whispers, kissing the skin along my collarbone so gently it feels like a feather against me. “I missed you so goddamn much, Aria. So much.”

  I lift my head from his shoulder just as he lifts his and our mouths meet. We meld together in desperation, my mouth parts and I am completely consumed by him.

  “Gavin… Gavin… God, Gavin,” I murmur against his kiss, his tongue dancing perfectly with mine, his hands holding my face in between them as if I’ll slip away at any moment.

  I pull away just enough to meet his eyes and smile his smile for him, I see the affection and wonder in his expressive eyes that I fell for so many months ago. Warmth spreads through my chest where all my missing pieces seem to fit together and I lift my hands to touch his dear face. I ask the one question I came here for.

  “Is it too late to ask you to spend forever loving me?”

  Thirty Six

  Gavin

  “IS IT TOO LATE TO ASK YOU to spend forever loving me, Gavin? Will you make breakfast for me every day for the rest of our lives? Will you love me again?”

  Her goddamn beautiful emerald green eyes are like two stones of the finest riches. They cloud with love and fear and hope and it fills my heart to hear her say those words.

  I never stopped loving you, Aria Georgia Morgan. I never will.

  I drop to my knees in front of her and clasp her waist tightly in my hands as I look up in the brightest green eyes I’ve ever seen. This is the moment I’ve waited so long for. Why is she here? Are we truly healed? Christ, is it even possible to heal from this? I don’t know the answer to any of that, but this, right here, her, she is here. That’s all that matters to me. Her and the love shining through her eyes.

  “You never have to ask me to love you, Beautiful. You are my everything and I don’t want to eat breakfast without you again. I don’t want to wake up before dawn without you. I don’t want to spend this life without you for another second. Aria, baby will you marry me?”

  Christ, I had planned to wait for the perfect moment to ask her, but seeing the fear of rejection in her eyes and seeing the unyielding love in those eyes of hers brings to home how close we came to losing each other. I could have missed the chance to taste her French toast again. I could have missed the chance to love her, to cherish and treasure her for the rest of our days.

  Aria gasps audibly and her beautiful eyes fill with joy and doubt. I reach up and take her hand in mine. Bringing it down to my mouth, I kiss her gently before reaching into the side pocket of the sweater I’m wearing for the small box I’ve saved for this exact moment. It’s been with me, either in a pocket or my desk ever since I walked away from her three frustratingly long months ago. I bought it that day, as if it was a promise to her that I wasn’t letting her go. I was simply giving her the time she asked of me. As Aria stands in front of me, I feel her begin to shake with hope of what I’m taking out of my pocket and when I look up into her face again, the smile she gives me is filled with affection and I can see how happy she is. I open the box and rest it in the palm of her hand.

  “Aria Georgia Morgan, will you let me make you breakfast for the rest of our lives? Will you love me again?”

 
; Those bright, lightened eyes that I fell for on a summer day in downtown Chicago fill with what I know are tears of joy and she nods fervently.

  “Gavin.” She pulls me up to stand with her and throws her slender arms around my neck as she wraps her legs around my waist, not letting me move a muscle.

  “I never stopped loving you. You are everything to me, too, and I would be honored to be your wife.” Fuck, those have to be the best words I’ve ever heard come from her lips. I press my hands to her lower back, pushing her even closer to me and kiss her.

  On a soft sigh, her lips part and I slip my tongue into her mouth just as hers sneaks into mine and we pour every ounce of love and regret and relief into our kiss that we can muster. I kiss her as if she has the last breath on earth and I have to take it from her. She kisses me as if we were never apart. I take her lower lip in between both of mine and suck, knowing the response it’ll elicit when a soft, desire filled moan comes from her lips and into my mouth. It’s only when she pulls away with a soft laugh and presses her forehead against mine that I realize we’re missing something.

  “Wait, baby. I forgot one thing.”

  I gently set her feet on the floor again and dip to my knees once more. I am going to do this right; this beautiful girl deserves it to be perfect.

  “You are mine, Beautiful,” I whisper just as I slip the princess cut diamond on the ring finger of her left hand. Aria laughs softly again, one filled with joy and slides her fingers into my hair like so many times before.

  “Forever?” She asks, her voice breathy from our kiss as I stand and smile wide, so filled with happiness I think I may burst.

  “This is forever, Beautiful.”

  Then, I scoop her up in my arms and carry her into our bedroom to show her just how much I’ve missed her these past months.

  The moment I set her down in the doorway of our bedroom I see the surprise flicker in her wide eyes. Turning her towards me, I take her hand and squeeze gently.

  “I don’t want you to live in fear ever again. He replicated our bedroom and I can’t change that no matter how hard I try. So I had my interior designer come in. Her name is Ivy and she’s very talented. Now we can make new memories in a new room, this room. Do you like it, baby?”

  Her mouth drops open and then closes, when a wide smile lightens up her face, I know her answer already.

  “It’s amazing, Gavin. Thank you so much.”

  I lift her hand to my lips and kiss her palm. As I lead my girl to our bed, I lean forward and whisper in her ear, sending my breath up her neck.

  “Wait here.”

  She nods and I swiftly go to retrieve a small note I saved for the moment I would ask her to marry me. I want to make it special for her. For both of us. As I place the card of paper in her hand, Aria smiles for me, then crawls off my lap and on to the bed. I watch her and see the happy tears fill her emerald green eyes as she reads my words to her.

  Aria,

  I feel like my love for you grows each and every day. From now on, this is my promise. No more tears for us, only happy memories, baby. I’m going to give you my whole world, and then some. So, tonight is for you, I hope to always make you as happy as you make me every single day.

  Always Yours,

  Gavin

  She looks over at me and bites her lip before lying back against the covers that are almost the same blue color of the cotton blouse she is wearing.

  The lights are dimmed, lighting up her wide eyes even more and when she outstretches her hand to me, I put my hand in hers and go to her. She reaches up when I’m seated above her and caresses my cheeks achingly slow. There is such softness in her eyes as she presses a kiss to my forehead and then down to the dimple in my cheek.

  “Gavin, I love you so much.” The words are music to my ears and the light that was gone from her eyes these last months is back in the shining emerald greens that stare up at me. I part her ivory white thighs and clasp her face gently with my hands.

  “Forever,” I vow. And as I make love to my beautiful girl, I thank God for bringing her back to me.

  My girl.

  My love.

  My everything.

  * * *

  Aria

  I slide my eyes open the very moment I feel strong arms tighten around my back, warm breath against my cheek and a contented sigh coming from my lips. I am momentarily confused, wondering where the hell I am. But then I catch the scent of mint and musky man that can only be mistaken for one man. The memories, sweet, sweet memories of last night come flooding back and I can’t stop myself from turning into Gavin’s strong embrace and burying my face into my favorite spot, just below his jaw. I feel his heartbeat under my lips as I kiss his neck and that makes this morning feel much less like a dream. God, how many times had I dreamed of waking up in our bed, seeing Gavin lying across the pillows with one arm slung over his head? I’d noticed it was how he would sleep most nights. Damn, even that turned me on about him. I feel his body stiffen a bit next to me and then he wraps one hand around my nape and pulls me fractionally closer.

  “You’re here.”

  I smile, though his eyes are still closed.

  “I’m here,” I whisper.

  After a few minutes, I realize he must still be asleep because he doesn’t respond after those few words. So, I rest my head next to his and drift once again into a deep sleep.

  “Mom? Mom?” I hear a sweet voice call me and know who it must be. I stop chopping vegetables at the kitchen counter, vaguely finding my surroundings weird as the kitchen in our home never had ceramic counter tops. I shake the thought off as I enter a small room off the kitchen, it is painted a soft pink color and Tessa Lynn, looking much more like a teenager than a child, is sitting up in her bed as I enter.

  “It’s OK, Mom,” she whispers and I take a step closer to her, confused at her words. What was OK?

  “It’s OK, Mom. You don’t have to miss me anymore.”

  I sit down next to her and kiss her on the forehead.

  “I don’t miss you, Sweetie. You’re here with me.”

  Her eyes seem to lighten somehow as she gets up from the bed and goes towards her bedroom door. Opening it slowly, her face shows such love and sadness, it confuses me completely. What is going on? Is she going somewhere?

  “I had to leave you and Daddy, Mom. But it’s OK. I’ll be with you in your heart and I’ll see you be happy like I know you are with Daddy. He told me he loves you so much. He misses you. You don’t have to stay anymore, you can be happy, Mom.”

  Suddenly it feels like everything is out of focus and I struggle to gain my balance.

  “What do you mean? I want to stay with you.”

  Tessa walks over to me and crawls into my lap, resting one hand across my chest to feel my heart. All I can remember is—God, I love her more than anything.

  “Daddy needs you, they all need you. Go, Mom. It’s OK to be happy again.”

  Her words are fierce with hope and sorrow and I hear the truth in them.

  We’d lost her. I’d lost myself, but living again was the one thing I could do to honor our daughter. I had to, for her at least.

  “I love you, Tessa.”

  I whisper, kissing her for the last time and watch as her beautiful face disappears before me.

  “Aria? Wake up, I think you’re having a nightmare.”

  Gavin’s smooth voice breaks through my haze of unconsciousness and I reach out my hand to him to calm him. My eyes slide open and they immediately catch Gavin’s worried face above mine. I bring my hand up to his cheek and the corners of my mouth lift to reassure him.

  “Not a nightmare, baby. I dreamed about her. She told me it was OK to be happy again.” As I say that, I know in my heart it truly is OK. It still hurts. God, it will probably always hurt, the loss we’ve suffered, but the fact was that we had each other. Gavin had me and I had him and someday, maybe we’ll have children and when that time comes, I’ll want them to know about Tessa and how much she meant to bo
th of us.

  Gavin skims his hand down my shoulder and to my chest where my heart is beating.

  “We’ll miss her every day and some days, it may be too much to cope with and when those days come, you’ll have me. Our daughter will stay in our hearts always. We won’t forget, baby. We can’t.” As his blue gray eyes melt into mine, I wonder how I ever got so lucky to have a man like him fall in love with me. I pushed him away when he needed me most and though I know it was what I had to do, I regret ever causing him more pain than we’d already suffered. I never meant to hurt him.

  “Thank you so much for never giving up on me—on us, Gavin.”

  I whisper, cradling the side of his face in my hand. My touch was tender, my love for him so transparent in my eyes. I see his blue gray’s heat with promise and the ever present love clouds the blue in them.

  “I never gave you up. I won’t ever let you go, baby.”

  The fierceness in his voice makes me remember a part of my dream and it warms my still healing heart. I watch as the man I love pauses, clasps my left hand and kisses the ring on my third finger, the beautiful princess styled diamond that still takes my breath away. His eyes are tender upon mine as he speaks again.

  “Please come home.”

  I smile wide, joy at those words courses through me. As if I want to be anywhere else?

  “Happily.”

  Thirty Seven

  AS I UNPACK THE TWO small suitcases Gavin brought back here for me, I realize this place has become home to me and I hadn’t realized that until I woke up without the warmth of Gavin’s embrace as we slept. My phone chimes with a text message and I place the last items in the bathroom cabinet before walking back through the bedroom to retrieve it.