Finding Beautiful

by Amanda Kaitlyn

  “Gavin. I think I loved you from the very moment I saw you. I tried again and again to put you off, but you saw right through my defenses. You always have. And now as I stand before you and our families, I pledge my heart to you. I vow to honor you and to keep you. Through happiness and through sorrows. In sickness and in health, for richer and poorer. Through the rough times and through the good. I will love you, cherish you, and I will never stray from the love you’ve given me. I promise to keep my heart open to your love, no matter what trials are thrown our way. And I’ll love you unconditionally, along with any children we may have for as long as I shall live.”

  Tears fall down Gavin’s face and he mouths “forever” to me. God, I love him more than I ever thought possible. I lift one of his hands to my lips and kiss his knuckles.

  Pastor Jones hands me his ring. It’s a solid gold band with a special engraving I’m sure my mom knew to get for us. It is one phrase we have repeated over and over through this journey we’ve had together. Unconditionally. On the front of his ring, our initials are done beautifully. And as I slip it on his ring finger, I say the words with as much love and joy that I can.

  “I give you this ring as a symbol of my love and fidelity.”

  Gavin takes a deep breath and then leans forward, cups my cheeks gently and leans his forehead against mine.

  “Forever,” he vows and I whisper it back to him, knowing I’m only seconds away from being his wife. Wife. Mrs. Thomas, God I love the sound of that.

  “So with the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife.”

  Joy bursts through me, out of me. I wrap my arms around Gavin’s neck and see his smile, the same one that cut through every wall I built around my heart all those months ago. Gavin’s eyes fill with pure affection for me as he dips his head to capture my mouth in a slow, binding, heartwarming kiss that I feel all the way down to my toes. I’m his. Forever.

  “Mine, wife,” he murmurs, holding my face in his hands and I tighten my arms around his waist as I whisper back to him.

  “Forever.”

  The breathtaking kiss he gives me is his promise.

  Epilogue

  One year later

  Gavin

  I SLIDE THE GLASS DOOR OPEN and lean my back against the doorway as I watch my beautiful wife work in the garden she insisted on planting herself. Between her dance school for girls and my striving business at Thomas, there really is no reason for her to have to spend countless hours planting and tending to a garden in the harsh sunlight of the morning. But soon after her mother came to see our new house, Aria had this idea of a large, complex garden that she could tend to as the years went on. It was something to do now that most of her summer classes were done at the school and the weather was getting cool enough to spend outside. Her determination amazed me and there was no way I was crushing her dream of this beautiful, colorful garden I see now. I watch as her long black hair sways into the wind behind her as she presses soil into the ground beneath her. Her skin is flushed from her time in the sun and she wears a sky blue sundress with a pair of dark sunglasses on the top of her head.

  “I can see you watching me, Handsome.”

  She calls to me and I chuckle, surprised to be found out as I come towards her with a glass of sweet iced tea. Aria drops her shovel and gloves, stands and smiles warmly when she sees me approaching.

  “Good morning.” I hand her the cold glass and press a kiss to her forehead. I hear her soft sigh as she wraps her arms around my waist and leans her chin on my chest to look up at me.

  “What’s wrong, Beautiful?” I ask, seeing the cloud of sadness in her usually vibrant emerald eyes. I know these last few weeks have been weighing on her and though I try to lift her spirits as much as I can, it’s hard because I can’t control what happens when we go to Dr. Hines, her gynecologist’s office today. It’s been a long and joy filled year since we married in the gazebo only a few yards from this very house and only six months since we decided to start trying for a baby. But after months and months of failed pregnancy tests and seeing that disappointed look in my beautiful Aria’s face, I insisted we make an appointment to find out what is going on. We needed answers.

  “It’s all going to be okay, baby. The doctor will tell us what we’re doing wrong and then we can try again.”

  A small, sexy smile crosses her face as she lifts her hands to tangle in my too long hair and she bites her lip before she speaks.

  “And try and try and try again?”

  “Oh, yes. Maybe we’re not doing it right.”

  I tease, though with all of the places and ways we’ve made love this past year, I highly doubt that.

  “I’m pretty sure we are, what if something’s wrong, Gavin? What if… ”

  Her voice starts to shake with her fear being spoken and I press her to my chest and dip my mouth and press a kiss to the top of her head as she rests her face in her favorite place.

  “We’ll find a way. I promise you.”

  I feel her nod against my neck and I squeeze her tighter, suddenly afraid myself.

  Aria

  I place Gavin’s hand in mine across the arm rest of the Lexus and smile while I listen to him arguing with his younger sister on the phone. The minute she told me her plan to move in with her boyfriend instead of living in an off campus apartment like her parents wanted, I knew Gavin would have something to say about it. He is very protective of her and he doesn’t really know Jude very well. Hell, none of us do.

  “Look, I know you care for him Cal, but to move in with him? I just don’t think… ”

  His voice trails off as it feels like my ears close up and suddenly my stomach turns in pain and I wince as I try to shift to my side in order to alieve the stomach ache I’m suddenly having.

  “Aria? You okay?” His voice penetrates my ears again and my eyes shoot to his. The worry clouds the grays in them and I know he can probably see the discomfort in my face.

  “I… God, I think I’m going to be sick. Gavin… ”

  My voice trails off as my throat begins to close up with the need to purge myself and I wrack my brain for anything I’ve eaten that could make me sick. I don’t think of anything in the two minutes it takes him to swerve into the breakdown lane and off to the side of the road. My stomach begins to convulse, and shakes take over my body as I try to swallow the discomfort rising within me.

  “Wait, let me get your door, baby. Hang on,” he says, his deep toned voice filled with concern. I nod through blurry eyes and hold my stomach and breathe through my nose as Gavin comes across the cab and pulls me gently out of the seat to stand to the side of the road, near some bushes and greens. I momentarily feel bad that I’m about to be sick all over these beautiful plants but can’t do anything about it before I heave and lurch forward toward the bushes.

  Gavin’s hand soothes up my back and to my hair where he holds it away from my face as I get violently sick for more than a few minutes. I cough and struggle to breathe even after the heaving stops and I feel his hand capture my nape in support.

  “Breathe through your nose, baby. In and out, okay?”

  I do as he says and soon the pain in my stomach starts to subside and I rest my arms against my kneecaps in an effort to catch my breath. God, what is happening to me?

  “I’m taking you to the doctor.” Gavin says as he helps me back into the passenger seat and I nod, knowing where we’d been headed before I asked to stop. His arms secure to my waist

  “I know, I hope we won’t be late… ”

  Gavin abruptly shakes his head and I still see the worry in his blueish gray eyes.

  “You were just sick for about ten minutes straight, baby. I’ll worry even more if we don’t at least let them check you out.”

  I meet his eyes and nod, though it’s most likely a wasted trip. I could have gotten ill for any number of reasons; we probably have nothing to worry about.

  “I really don’t think that’s necessary. But if it would ease your
mind… ”

  “It will, Aria. Please, humor me.”

  A surprised laugh at his last comment bursts from my mouth and I nod. Letting him help me up, my lips tip up to a smile when I feel his mouth press to my knuckles.

  “I always do, Mr. Thomas.”

  “Thank you, Mrs. Thomas.”

  Even after a year of being married, I still love the sound of that.

  * * *

  The on call doctor isn’t Dr. Hines when we arrive at the hospital, but I’m still ushered in to a room and after a few tests of my vitals, blood pressure, and a blood test, the nurse leaves me to change. I pull my eyes from Gavin as he sits in the armchair across from the bed, scanning his eyes over me as if I have a physical injury he can see.

  “What?”

  He grins slowly and comes to stand in front of me as I lift the blue sundress I’d been wearing over my head and set it beside me. Holding up the flimsy hospital gown, he helps me put it on and secures his strong arms around my waist instead of tying it behind my back.

  “You feeling okay, now?”

  I nod and curl my arms around him, pressing my palm to the base of his neck and pulling his head down to meet my waiting lips. My mouth melds to his, his tongue escapes into mine and I try to show him how much I appreciate him in my kiss. A faint knock on the door makes a low groan emit from Gavin and he rests his forehead on mine.

  “I’ll wait outside for you. Or I can stay, baby. Whatever you need.”

  I hastily shake my head and gently push him towards the door as I tie the hospital gown closed. I see Gavin’s eyes heat at the possibilities of taking it off me and I laugh as he opens the door for a tall, older looking woman who must be the doctor.

  “I’ll be fine. See you in a bit,” I say just before closing the door behind him and turning to face the on call doctor. I’d much prefer my own doctor, but she must have been called away.

  “Hello, Aria. I’m Dr. Lione. Let’s see if we can figure out what’s going on. I have your blood test results here. Why don’t you take a seat?”

  Her voice is soft and inviting, but a little spiral of worry, unease starts its way through me as I sit down on the bed and the doctor sits in a chair right in front of me.

  “I can tell you that you are perfectly healthy, Aria. There is no sign of any sickness in your blood stream. Your vitals are good and you don’t have any kind of fever. But, as a precaution I took the liberty to give you a pregnancy test. It came back positive.”

  Wait, what? That’s not possible. At least I don’t think it’s possible. How many times have I gotten a negative reading on a pregnancy test?

  “I can see this is a shock, just take a deep breath. Do you know when your last period was?” She asks, reaching out to take one of my hands in an effort to calm me. I think back the weeks since the last test I took which was… two and a half months ago. I haven’t had a cycle since two weeks after that. Oh my God, it’s possible. Hesitant joy courses through me at the thought of being pregnant.

  “It was more than two months ago, two weeks after the last false test I took. My husband and I have been trying for this past six months and actually, we were on our way for a consultation with Dr. Hines when I started to feel ill. Gavin insisted on bringing me in to be looked at.”

  “Well, I’d say that was a good idea. Mrs. Thomas, you’re pregnant.”

  A smile bursts across my face at that news and my eyes begin to water.

  “You’re… you’re sure? I don’t think I could take another let down… ”

  Doctor Lione squeezes my hand and sets the test results on my lap to read for myself. There it is in bold print. Positive.

  I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy, but seeing those words in front of me banishes all my doubts from the last six months of trying and failing so very many times.

  I’m pregnant. I’m pregnant with Gavin’s baby. I’m having our baby…

  “Thank you so much. I can’t wait to tell him.” Joy fills me as I hug the kind doctor and walk out toward the waiting room where I see my worried husband wringing his hands together as he paces up and down the small carpeted floor. His hair is mussed every which way where I know he’s been running his hands through it as he does when he’s worried for me. When he’s worried, period.

  “Baby, I’m fine. Let’s go home.”

  At the sound of my voice Gavin comes right to me and pulls me against his chest, kissing my hair gently. His warm embrace makes the joy even stronger knowing I’m carrying his child, now.

  “What did the doctor say?” he asks, pulling back from me to cradle my head in his hands the way he only does when he’s worried about something happening to me. It’s the same fear I saw flicker through his eyes that horrible day we lost Tessa and the idea of that, going through that again, it’s my one true fear in all of this.

  What if I lose this baby, too?

  No, I tell myself. This is a gift, a blessing and I want to tell Gavin at the perfect time. I want him to be overjoyed and I know he will be. I take his hands and try to comfort him.

  “She thinks it was a stomach bug. I’m feeling OK now. Take me home.”

  He nods and begins to lead me outside with his warm hand at the small of my back.

  We have dinner at home with me seated between his legs as we eat Thai food that I’m hoping won’t bother my stomach after this afternoon’s episode. The moment Gavin excuses himself to take a phone call, I hide behind the covers and slip my hands down to my nonexistent baby bump. It’s crazy that I feel a sense of closeness the moment I touch the area where I know our baby will begin to grow.

  “Hi, baby. I’m so happy you’re in there. I love you so very much, already,” I whisper, rubbing my belly tenderly, enjoying this new foreign feeling. I only come out of the covers when I hear my man on the phone with his mom. She’s been so supportive of both of us this past year and I’m so thankful for that.

  “I don’t know, Mom. Maybe, Christ, maybe this isn’t the right time. I mean, I’m in over my head at Thomas and she’s still building the school up from the roots, maybe it’s not the right time to have a baby.”

  Hearing him say that makes my heart drop into my stomach and stupid tears to well in my wide eyes. Maybe it’s not the right time to have a baby.

  I don’t know what to do or how to feel after hearing that so I close my eyes and will myself to sleep.

  * * *

  I twist my fork over and over near the scrambled eggs, pancakes and grits that Gavin made me for breakfast this morning and even though I know I should be eating, especially after yesterday’s news, I don’t have an appetite.

  “You’re not eating, Beautiful,” Gavin says as he pushes a curl of my hair behind my ear. I nod, not really meeting his eyes and it’s not the first time this morning I’ve done this.

  The loud clattering of silverware makes my eyes shoot to Gavin’s angry ones and I don’t get a word out of my mouth before he wraps his arm around my back and one under my knees and picks me up in a nanosecond.

  “W-what are you doing, Gavin?”

  He doesn’t say anything as he strides into our bedroom, kicks the door shut and sits down against the headboard where he arranges me so I’m facing him. I cross my legs in front of me and fiddle with my hands as I look down at them. The look in his eyes says enough. He wants to know what’s going on, but what am I supposed to say?

  Hey, baby guess what? I’m pregnant and I know you don’t want to have a baby with me anymore. That would go down really well. A part of me knows he’ll be thrilled, but the whole time, I know I’ll be wondering if he has doubts about this. About us. About having a family with me. Also, I’m pretty sure my hormones are getting the best of me.

  “You tell me what’s going on right now, Aria. We don’t have secrets between us.”

  I stay quiet, hoping he’ll let it go.

  Nudging my face up with his finger underneath my chin, I see the concern in Gavin’s blue gray eyes. I take one of his hands in mine and rub my
thumb along his smooth skin.

  “I heard you last night.”

  He tilts his head to the side and I can see he has no idea what I’m talking about.

  “Last night, you were on the phone.”

  The blue gray eyes I’ve memorized ever since I laid eyes on them for the first time clear with understanding and then with sadness.

  “Christ, I didn’t mean for you to hear that, Aria, baby. Please let me explain.”

  I tug my hand from his and nod, though it sounded pretty clear to me with what he said last night.

  “I want a family with you more than anything in this world. I dream of a little girl just like you or a little boy with your eyes and your smile. They would be perfect because they’d be ours. But watching you go through a never ending cycle of hope and disappointment these past few months is breaking my heart, baby. I want you to be happy; I want you to have everything you’ve ever wanted… ”

  A warm smile parts my mouth at the truth I see in his eyes. He never meant that he doesn’t want kids with me. He wants them so much, but he is willing to put off having a family to give me back our life together. I catapult myself into his arms and kiss him with everything inside me. For a few seconds he just lies there, surprised, but then his hands grasp the hem of my sweatpants and pulls them down just enough so he can slip a hand inside my black laced panties and feel how aroused I am for him. God, I always am. With a suppressed groan, Gavin pulls my bottom lip into his mouth and tugs, causing an ache in my core.

  “You thought I didn’t want a baby with you? You thought I would give up on our dream, Beautiful?” Gavin asks, his voice gravelly against my ear as he plunges two fingers into my opening just as I tighten my inner muscles in an effort to ease the ache there. I call out in pleasure and fervently shake my head.

  “I don’t know what I thought, Gavin. I was afraid maybe things had changed.”

  “Never,” Gavin grits out, circling his hand in a way that reaches that one spot that makes me scream his name cathartically. “I’m giving you the world. This is only the beginning.”