Finding Home

by Kate Field

  Mim squeezed her back, determined not to cry. And now there was only one person left she needed to tell…

  Mim sat on the beach, enjoying the view before her last shift started at the Boat. She loved this view – the way the bay curved upwards on both sides, as if the village lay at the centre of a smile; the way the cliffs rose in a sharp climb on one side and a gentle slope on the other; the way the sea changed every day, never the same twice. The raw, natural beauty soothed her soul, despite the evidence of its danger in the closed-off section where the rock fall had taken place.

  She’d called at Corin’s house on the way here, but he hadn’t been at home. She couldn’t decide if it was a relief or a disappointment. As unlikely as it had seemed at the start, his friendship had become a precious thing to her over the last few months, as precious as her relationship with Lia. Maybe even more. She owed him a proper goodbye, but the thought of going through with it made her feel like there was a huge pile of rocks hovering over her chest, ready to fall and crush it. Perhaps Bea or Lia would have told him by now and spared her the trouble? Then they could simply meet and wish each other well for the future…

  A wet nose nudged her hand. Dickens had stopped at her side and, looking up, she saw Corin striding along the beach towards her. He smiled and came and sat down beside her on the stones.

  ‘This is well met,’ he said. ‘I was on my way to the Boat to see you.’

  ‘Were you? What for?’ Mim asked. He looked remarkably jolly. If he knew she was leaving he clearly wasn’t bothered.

  ‘There’s a 6k wild swim taking place on Dartmoor in August. I thought we could join in. What do you say? Shall I sign us up?’

  ‘That sounds great,’ she said. She couldn’t meet his eye and reached forward to stroke Dickens. ‘But I won’t be here in August.’

  ‘Won’t you?’ She heard the puzzlement in his voice. ‘Where will you be?’

  ‘In Lancashire.’

  She risked a glance at him and caught the return of his smile.

  ‘Visiting Lucas? The swim is right at the start of the month, so perhaps you can fit it in before you go. Unless you’re chickening out of the 6k after all…’

  ‘I won’t be visiting him.’ This felt like torture. Mim decided to spit it all out at once. ‘I’ll be living there. I’m moving back. We’re leaving on Sunday.’

  The silence stretched, broken only by the sound of the gulls with their urgent calls as they wheeled overhead. Dickens was sitting at her feet, staring at her. She suspected that Corin was doing the same.

  ‘This Sunday?’ he said at last. ‘In less than two days’ time? When were you going to tell me?’

  ‘I called round earlier. You were out.’

  ‘I was at the factory.’ He picked up a pebble and twisted it round and round in his hand. ‘You’re not serious, are you? You’re not really leaving for good?’

  ‘Yes. I am.’

  He stood up and walked off to the water’s edge. He threw the pebble into the sea, where it landed with a violent splash. When he didn’t return, Mim followed him.

  ‘What about me?’ he asked, still looking out to sea. ‘What about us?’

  ‘You’ve been a brilliant friend,’ Mim said. The words sounded inadequate even to her own ears; he deserved more than that, much more. But now he was here in front of her, and she had to say goodbye, she didn’t know how or where to start. She tried again. ‘It’s been the most precious friendship of my life. I can’t begin to tell you the difference you’ve made. These past few months have shown me how rich life can be and that I can enjoy those riches too. I’m not going back to the life I had before. I’ll be looking for college courses in Lancashire, so your encouragement wasn’t wasted.’ She smiled. ‘Perhaps I can send you updates like Benite.’

  ‘Like Benite?’ He turned to face her, frowning. ‘Is that what you think? That I see you as a charity project?’ He shook his head and took a step nearer. ‘Isn’t it obvious, Mim? I love you.’

  Love? Corin loved her? For a few seconds, the sound of the waves whispering onto the shore, the calling of the gulls, the breeze ruffling her hair, all disappeared and Mim was aware of nothing but Corin’s eyes on hers and a breathless sense of hope and possibility. And then the world came rushing back in, bringing a reality check with it.

  ‘Don’t be daft,’ she said.

  Corin’s frown deepened.

  ‘Is that the way you always react when someone tells you they love you?’

  ‘I wouldn’t know,’ Mim said. ‘No one has ever told me before. Obviously, it’s the way I’d react if someone like you said it.’

  ‘Someone like me?’ Corin stepped forward to avoid a wave. ‘What does that mean?’

  Mim hardly knew. Nothing was making sense right now. Words tumbled out of her mouth without thought.

  ‘Well, look at you. Look at me. We’re not a good match, are we?’

  ‘Why not?’

  ‘You should fall in love with someone who says baa-th.’ She exaggerated the long vowel. ‘With someone who attends posh dinner dances, not who serves the drinks at one. Someone who went to the right school and university and who is bright enough to scrape more than one A level. You shouldn’t fall in love with someone who sleeps in their car. And not with someone who has this and everything it stands for,’ she added, twisting her arm so that the puckered, scarred skin was facing towards him.

  He took her arm in his hand and gently ran his finger down the damaged flesh. Mim could hardly breathe.

  ‘That’s not who you are,’ he said. ‘I fell in love with someone with extraordinary strength and resilience. Someone honest – brutally so, at times. Someone who can smile and laugh and work to help others even when she has nothing. Someone who is beautiful, inside and out. That’s the Mim I see. How could I not fall in love with you?’

  Did he mean it? She could still hardly believe it. He looked sincere. There was softness in his eyes, warmth in his expression that corroborated his words, and it invited Mim to let go and bask in it. He took hold of both her hands.

  ‘Well, Mim? I have to ask the obvious question. Do you love me?’

  ‘I don’t know.’

  What else could she say? He’d just praised her for her honesty, so how could she give him anything but an honest answer? She’d never experienced love. She didn’t know if what she felt for Corin was love or not. But she could see from the pain etched on his face that this time her honesty had been too brutal. He leaned forward until his forehead was touching hers and she felt the disappointment in his sigh.

  ‘Can’t you stay and we can find out?’ he murmured.

  ‘I can’t,’ she said. And then his lips met hers as if he was trying to stop the words leaving her mouth. It was a kiss like no other – full of tenderness, full of love, and full of the promise of what could be. But she’d made a promise of her own to Lucas and she couldn’t break it, even for kisses like this. Especially not for kisses like this. She forced herself to pull away, though it felt as though she were tearing herself in two.

  ‘I don’t want you to go,’ Corin said. ‘Surely we can work something else out? Find Lucas a job here, or split our weeks…’

  ‘I have to go.’ Mim held one of his hands between both of hers. It wasn’t the hand of the idle, rich man she’d once assumed him to be. They were the rough, worn hands of a man who had spent years helping others to improve their chances and to live their best possible life. She willed him to understand that she needed to live hers now. ‘You of all people should understand why. You left Africa when your family needed you. There are no compromises. Family comes first, whatever your own wishes might be.’ She squeezed his hand. ‘I have to be with Lucas. He’s family, and that means everything to me. I’m not on my own anymore. I belong with someone. It’s all I’ve ever wanted. Please understand. I have to choose him.’

  Corin pulled her into a hug. His heart thudded against her chest and his breath was warm in her hair. She had no idea how long they stayed th
at way; time had ceased to exist.

  ‘Be happy,’ he said at last and gave her a final, haunting kiss.

  He drew back. Mim couldn’t stop herself. She reached up and ran her hand down the side of his face, exploring for the first and last time the softness of his hair, the smoothness of his cheek, the firmness of his chin.

  ‘Be safe,’ she said. ‘Stay away from those cliffs.’

  He nodded, then he walked away along the beach, Dickens at his side, his head bent low, and Mim watched until his figure disappeared on the horizon.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  Lucas was not impressed with the Volvo.

  ‘The radio doesn’t work,’ he said in disgust, after fiddling with the buttons in vain to try to find Radio 1.

  ‘How can there be no air-conditioning,’ he asked, half an hour into their journey, when the sun was beating down on them and the temperature in the car was becoming uncomfortable, even with the windows open. Windows that had to be wound open manually – another source of derision.

  Mim hardly noticed his complaints. She was busy concentrating on every last detail of the Devon countryside, to remember over the coming months and to stop her focusing on some of the more painful scenes of the last few days.

  It hadn’t all been painful. The arrival of the first official guests of As You Like It holidays yesterday had been a joy and a privilege to witness. Four families and one couple had arrived at various times throughout the day, looking fraught and weary, and Mim had witnessed their spirits lifting as they saw the caravan site bathed in sunshine and breathed in the sea air. She hoped that they could find a fraction of the happiness that she had experienced staying there.

  Saying a final goodbye to her friends had been the hardest moments. Karen and Heather had insisted that Mim join them for one final swim on Sunday morning, and it had been perfect. The sea was calm and as warm as it had ever been, and Mim had floated on her back knowing that she would never forget the last few months. They had changed her life. She had learned the meaning of true friendship. She had discovered that there was more kindness in the world than she had thought. She had gained the confidence to try to improve her lot in life. And she had found a brother. All this from that impulsive decision to help two strangers on a cold December night. She felt as if she had been repaid a thousand times over.

  As for saying goodbye to the Howards… Mim had asked them not to make a fuss, but of course they had ignored her and the full family gathered on the drive to wave her off, even Ros and the children. Mim was amazed that Olly hadn’t been dragged down from London for the occasion. She was showered with unexpected gifts: Bea gave her a new wetsuit so she could continue the wild swimming; Ros handed over a bag of clothes that no longer fitted her bump; Lia gave her a drawing, showing Mim as a phoenix, rising from the flames. Bill tried to hand over money but Mim drew the line at that. They all hugged and kissed, and some held back tears and some didn’t. Corin kept his distance, lurking with Dickens at the corner of the house, looking on with a face bleached with tiredness and despair. It was too painful to see; Mim felt as if the rocks she’d imagined hovering over her chest had fallen, crushing her heart. Was this what love felt like? It was too late to find out. She’d made her decision and it was the right one. She had to make it work.

  It was raining by the time they reached Lancashire – fat, heavy drops that pounded on the roof of the car, inevitably reminding Mim of staying in the caravan. Mim followed the signs for Blackpool and Lucas directed her to a smart detached property on an estate of new-build houses. Mim pulled up outside and looked up at the house. This was where her dad had lived. This was where Lucas had been brought up, in comfort and safety. It was a far cry from the places she had stayed. There was one obvious problem though.

  ‘Where’s the sea?’ she asked, peering all round. She’d never visited Blackpool before, but everyone knew there were miles of beaches at the resort.

  ‘We’re a couple of miles away from the front,’ Lucas said. ‘You can drive there in a few minutes or catch the bus.’

  ‘Great!’ Mim said. That was further away than she’d expected, but no doubt it was an advantage to be away from the hustle and bustle of the town centre. Blackpool was bound to be quite different to Littlemead. She spotted a figure lurking in the front window of the house. ‘Is that your mum?’

  ‘Yeah. I texted to let her know we were almost here. Come and meet her.’

  Mim followed Lucas into the house. A small porch led through to a narrow hall where his mum was waiting. She looked around fifty, and was tall and slim with a neat blonde bob and a warm smile. She approached Mim.

  ‘Hello, love. You must be Mim. I’m Carol. Is it okay to hug? We’re family, after all.’

  Mim nodded and Carol gave her a hug. She smelt delicious, of some exotic perfume. Mim wasn’t sure whether she felt more relieved at the friendly welcome or intimidated by Lucas having such a glamorous mother.

  ‘Let me look at you,’ Carol said, stepping back and holding Mim at arm’s length. ‘You definitely have the look of Martin, and of Lucas. I can’t tell you how glad I am that Lucas found you. But let’s save the chat for later. You look done in after that long drive. How about I show you your room and then we can have a cup of tea? Stick the kettle on, Lucas.’

  Carol led the way upstairs and into a bedroom at the back of the house. It was a pretty room, decorated in pale blue and with a double bed filling the centre and a white wardrobe in an alcove. A vase of flowers sat on a dressing table under the window.

  ‘What do you think?’ Carol asked. She twitched a couple of flowers into place, though the arrangement already looked perfect. ‘Will this be okay? If there’s anything you need, just shout.’

  ‘It’s lovely,’ Mim said. ‘Thanks for letting me stay. I hope I won’t be in your way for too long. I’ll look for somewhere else as soon as I can.’

  ‘Stay as long as you like,’ Carol said. ‘This was the guest room. Now it’s yours. It should always have been yours. If I’d known…’ She smiled, too brightly, and tears glittered in her eyes. ‘The bathroom is next door. Come down when you’re ready and we’ll have that tea.’

  While they drank their tea, Mim flicked through Carol’s old photograph albums and listened to stories about her dad. There were videos of him too – playing football with a young Lucas, singing karaoke in a hotel bar, cooking Christmas dinner with a paper crown on his head… It was strange and wonderful to see the man that the sixteen-year-old boy in her photograph had grown into; to hear her father’s voice for the first time, to hear him laugh, and to recognise bits of herself in him. Carol and Lucas spoke of him with obvious love. He looked like a good, kind man. So Mim had to know … why had he never contacted her?

  ‘Did he ever mention me?’ she asked.

  ‘No. I’m sorry, love. Not until the end,’ Carol said. She sighed. ‘Ours was a whirlwind romance. We were married after four months and Lucas was a honeymoon baby. He said there was never a good time to tell me. And then when we struggled for years to have another baby, he thought it would hurt me to know that he already had another child. He was wrong. I would have welcomed you with open arms. I wish we could have spared you what you went through.’ Carol wiped her eyes. ‘I’m finding it hard to forgive him. You should have been part of this family. I would have loved you like my own. It hurts that he could have doubted that.’

  ‘I’m here now and that’s all that matters,’ Mim said. She took Carol’s hand – a gesture that she wouldn’t have made before spending all those months with the Howards. But she mustn’t think of them now. ‘I want to be part of this family, if you’ll have me.’

  ‘Gladly,’ Carol said. ‘This is your home, for as long as you want it. We’ll always be here for you from now on.’

  Carol was a teacher at a local primary school and as she was off for half-term, she offered to show Mim round the local area. They started with a day trip to Blackpool as Mim was keen to see the sea but she had to hide her disappointmen
t. The golden sand stretched for miles and she sank into it when she walked, but she missed the crunch and roll of pebbles under her feet. The air smelt of fish and chips, not the tangy saltiness of the sea. There were swarms of people everywhere, and noise and cars and bright lights, and even a huge theme park. She’d looked forward to living by the sea but this wasn’t like Littlemead. There was nothing wild and natural here, nothing that touched her soul.

  She couldn’t resist going to look at Gordon’s hotel again now she was back in Lancashire. She’d lived there for so many years, years that had transformed her and made her who she was. She drove to Burnley one day while Carol and Lucas were at work, but the building she found wasn’t her familiar hotel any more. Developers had bought it and were turning it into flats, according to the advertising board outside. The building was covered in scaffolding and it looked like the place was being gutted. She peered into a skip on the drive and it was full of pieces of her past: the carpet from the main stairs, the light fittings from the dining room, even the old office chair that she’d sat on. Some of the windows had been removed from the building, and the curtains from her attic bedroom flapped against the stone exterior of the hotel. This was the closest she’d ever come to finding a place to call home and now it was truly gone. She drove back to Blackpool with tears in her eyes and an emptiness in her heart.

  Mim borrowed Lucas’s laptop so she could keep on top of the emails and admin for As You Like It holidays. It was a bittersweet job. She was thrilled that donations continued to arrive, as well as nominations for families who would benefit from a break. Lia had set up a Facebook page full of glorious photographs of the caravans, the local area, and the first families enjoying their holidays, including a heart-wrenching thank you letter written by a young girl who had experienced her first holiday at Vennhallow. The charity was thriving, just as Mim had hoped it would. But she couldn’t see those photos without an aching feeling of loss that she wasn’t there. She scoured the images for faces she recognised, hoping to catch a glimpse of Ros with a new baby, or Bill tinkering with a new invention, or Dickens chasing imaginary rabbits across the field, or Corin just being Corin, so she knew he was there and that he was well. And then she felt horribly guilty that she was thinking of the Howards when she was here with her real family.