Perception

by A. L. Waddington

  “Starbucks?” he asked, opening my door. Thankfully, his basketball practice was cancelled because their coach, Mr. Minnick, was ill.

  “Yeah, we’d better or I’m not going to make it.” I smiled and climbed in.

  We pulled out of the lot with Sixx AM blaring from the stereo speakers and headed towards the more commercial part of the northern suburbs of Chicago. Traffic was picking up as it always did around this time of day.

  Starbucks was packed by the time we got there. It appeared that more than half my teammates were in dire need of a pick-me-up also.

  “Hey, sleepy. Glad to see you here.” Jenna and Kyle met us at the door. “Heard you slept most of the day.” She gave me a playful jab in the ribs with her elbow.

  “I actually considered bringing you something if you didn’t show up after the way you’ve been practicing this week,” Caitlyn remarked as she and Zak joined us.

  “Yeah, if you play like that tonight Coach will put your butt in a sling for sure,” Hilary said, walking up to us with Cody.

  “I know. I know. That’s why I’m here,” I rolled my eyes at them. They were worse than parents sometimes.

  Jackson ordered me a triple espresso and himself a regular while he chatted with the guys about their upcoming game tomorrow evening so the girls and I escaped into the nearest booth.

  “What is with you lately? I thought everything was back on track with you and Jackson.” Caitlyn cornered me.

  “It is. Everything is great between us. My mind is just all over the place these days.” I tried not to snicker aloud at the irony of those words.

  “Then what’s bothering you?” Jenna inquired.

  “You remember a couple weeks ago when my mom made my dad clean out that storage room in the basement? Well, he found some old journals in his brother’s things that were apparently a family heirloom from some relative in the nineteenth century written during the Civil War and I’ve been up reading them. They cover his experiences and I find them fascinating.” It was the best I could explain.

  “History? How boring.” Hilary rolled her eyes.

  Jenna made a face in Hilary’s direction. “Everything educational is boring to you. I think it would be so cool to find something like that. What do they say?”

  Luckily the guys had made their way back over to us and cut me off before I could get started. They squeezed into the booth, squishing us all together. Eight people in a booth designed for maybe six at the most. But the triple espresso was a wonderful intoxicant and exactly what I needed to get my blood flowing smoothly back on this plane so that I could be fully focused on the here and now.

  ***

  The game was a complete victory for we dominated the court the entire night. We were all in high spirits and pumped full of adrenaline as we hurried back into the locker room. I peeled off my uniform and tossed it into my gym bag alongside my high tops and sweaty socks.

  “That was great!” I said, throwing on a pair of old sweatpants and oversized shirt. I couldn’t wait to get home and in the shower. I felt so gross.

  “It’s nice to see you got your game back.” Caitlyn teased while changing into her street clothes.

  “You realize you were going to get lynched if you didn’t?” Jenna remarked.

  “Oh really? By who?” I inquired.

  “By the three of us!” Hillary answered. “And I believe I’m safe in saying that the rest of the team would have joined us if you’d played anything tonight like you’ve been playing in practice all week.” She gave me the cockiest grin.

  “Wow! I feel so loved!” I grabbed my jacket and gym bag. “I will see you ladies later. I’m going to go find someone who loves me unconditionally.” I playfully tossed my hair over my shoulder before exiting.

  Jackson and my dad were waiting for me near the gym entrance casually talking like they were old friends. I was thrilled to see the two of them getting along so well. The last several weeks had been so horrible with my mother and Ethan wasn’t much better. I was grateful that the two most important men in my life were making an effort to get to know each other.

  “Great game, darling,” My dad smiled as I approached them.

  “I’m glad you came, but you really didn’t have to wait. Jackson was going to give me a ride.” He lifted my gym bag off my shoulder. “Thanks!”

  “I know. I was just talking to Jackson, not so much waiting on you.”

  “Man, I cannot catch a break tonight.” I shook my head as they both stared strangely at me.

  “Huh?” My dad looked confused.

  “Never mind,” I brushed the comment aside.

  The three of us walked out to the parking lot still discussing the Colts game from last weekend. My poor ol’ dad was so jealous that he hadn’t gone it was almost humorous. He was drilling Jackson with four hundred questions about the game and the new stadium. The late evening air had quite a bite and after sweating for the last ninety minutes in the hot stuffy gym I was freezing my rear end off.

  “Well you guys had better get going, Jocelyn’s teeth are chattering.” My dad gave me a brief hug. “You did great tonight, princess.” He opened his car door and hollered. “Be careful, I’ll see you both back at the house. It was nice talking with you Jackson.”

  “You too, sir,” Jackson opened the passenger door for me.

  “Thanks,” my dad yelled back before he closed his car door.

  “You were amazing tonight,” Jackson said as he climbed in on his side. “I don’t think you missed one shot.”

  “Two actually,” I smirked.

  “And how many did you make?” He started his CRV and headed towards home.

  “Twenty two,” I stated proudly.

  “You guys won by eighteen points. Yes, you are right those two baskets would have changed the entire outcome of the game.”

  “Thanks, you’re sweet. All I’m saying is it would be nice to have a perfect game.”

  “No one has a perfect game, Jocelyn. Even the pros miss baskets — some of them a lot! And they make a ton of money doing it.” He glanced over, showing me my favorite lop sided grin.

  “Yes, I am aware.”

  “Do you have any plans for this weekend?”

  “Why? Are you springing another road trip on me or introducing me to another estranged relative? No wait, that was last weekend!”

  “Very funny, I wanted to see if you wanted to study for our biology exam.”

  “Ah right, I forgot. Yes, we’d better. But I do have to run into the city with Jenna on Saturday morning.”

  “What for?”

  “None of your business.” I couldn’t very well tell him about my trip to the clinic. It was embarrassing enough as it was. “After all, Christmas is right around the corner.”

  “Fair enough.”

  ***

  I snuggled under the covers and picked up my uncle’s journal. I was already on the second one and they captured me like no other book ever had. I couldn’t seem to tear myself away from them no matter how much sleep they were costing me.

  September 18, 1862

  The last couple days have been dubbed ‘the bloodiest battle of the war thus far.’ We fought all over Antietam Creek. McClellan is calling it a victory although I cannot understand how something so horrible could be called a victory. We lost almost twelve and a half thousand Union soldiers and I was told the Rebels lost more than ten thousand! Such a horrible senseless loss of life. We heard this morning that General Lee has taken his troops back across the Potomac River. Does he not realize that if they were to attack us again there would be very little we could do to keep them from advancing into the North? Still, their retreat was a welcomed blessing. The screams still have not ended. The wounded and dying are a constant reminder of the horrors. I saw men crumple up in pain or scream out in agony as I shot them. Their blood covered my clothes, my hands. I saw the creek run red with the blood of men from both sides.

  The smell of gunpowder and decay still hangs heavy on the air. No
matter how the wind blows it cannot cleanse this soiled ground. The vermin run rampant throughout our quarters and none of us are immune to their liking. One would hope that this squelching heat would have deterred them for it feels like being kept in an oven. There is very little clean water to share and many of the men who survived to fight another day are only left to struggle through on the molded bread and rotten meat for our supplies are few and far between.

  My uniform is no more than a mere rag, the buttons gone and one sleeve is completely missing. My boots have many holes and barely offer any protection for my feet against the elements. Sadly enough, I am better off than most of our men. I cannot recall what it was like to sleep in a real bed with clean linens, clothes. or to take an actual bath with real soap.

  I think of home every moment my tired brain can rest. I close my eyes and see Vivian with her long blond hair and flowing curls. Her blue eyes sparkle like the stars on a blackened night. I ache to hold her again. I realize now more than ever how much I truly love her. How much my family means to me.

  There still has been no word on Nicholas. I pray for his safety but I fear the worst. Stories have reached our ears about the prisoner camps down South. They say hundreds of men are dying daily from starvation and disease. My only hope is that he is somewhere safe trying to make his way back to us.

  I was fortunate late last evening to see my older brother. I was being treated for a mere shrapnel wound in my thigh and stumbled into Patrick, if only for a brief moment. He appeared haggard and worn, covered in the blood of many of our young boys. He assured me that his family was well but he had not been able to see them since our leave last Christmas. He promised we would talk once he got a free moment, yet I imagine it will be some time before I see him again. From the state of our men I pray it shall be days before he and the other physicians even have the chance to assess each of the wounded.

  I pray this war would end and we could all go home.

  How do people survive such senseless hate?

  CHAPTER 16

  Friday, December 9, 1878

  MR. GRAHAME began his lecture on the causes that led up to the Civil War. I quickly became engrossed in his words. Many were the same words I had heard numerous times, discussed at our dining room table or hotly debated behind closed doors in my father’s study. Some of which I was very familiar with but some I was completely ignorant of, like the fact that Jefferson Davis was elected President of the Confederate States before Abraham Lincoln was elected President of the United States.

  I had some basic ideas of the war and even though I technically lived through it, I had absolutely no recollection of it whatsoever. Which was a given considering I was born in October 1860. However, through the rapidly diminishing barrier between my two worlds, I was able to recall various writings from my uncle Monte’s journals that he had recounted in vivid detail his experiences and daily struggle for survival during his time in the Union Army. He recently became aware that my other father, Shane had found, read, and handed the journals over to my other self. I knew he was very uncomfortable knowing that I was aware of the depths at which he had bared his soul on the pages of his youth, but he had not mentioned the journals nor the photo albums since Thanksgiving and neither had I.

  An hour later, Mr. Grahame concluded his thoughts but not before assigning us another essay to write before our next class. The other students let out a small moan and began to gather their things together to move on to their next class.

  I stood up as Elizabeth approached with a weary look. “Would you mind if I came by your house after school to work on my essay? I am to meet with Mrs. Chandler at five o’clock for a final fitting on my bridesmaid dress.”

  “Yes, that would be great. Would you like to stay for dinner also? I know Olivia would love to see you too.” I was hoping that Elizabeth’s presence might coax Olivia into being a little more sociable.

  ***

  I was thankful it was Friday. That gave me two days to work on my essay. Though I wasn’t sure when I would find the time to work on it considering Jackson and I were going to be house hunting all weekend. At first it was exciting, now it was something I dreaded.

  Elizabeth and I made small talk on our way down the cobblestones towards my house. The sky was threatening to open up again and rain down on us as the dark clouds hovered above us. I pulled my caplet tighter around me and wished I had taken my wool coverlet with me this morning.

  “Are you getting nervous yet?” Elizabeth asked as we turned the corner.

  “Nervous? About what?”

  Elizabeth looked at me with a slight smile. “The wedding.”

  “No, not really.” The cold wind tore at my cheeks.

  “I would be if I were you.”

  “I feel like I have been waiting for this for so long. I cannot imagine spending my life with anyone else,” I said anxiously.

  “I understand exactly how you feel. I believe I am destined to be with Mr. Lee.” She blushed despite the cold.

  I smiled over at her. “I think that is wonderful.”

  We crossed through the gate and up the walkway. The huge house appeared stagnant and cold against the gray darkening sky. For a brief moment my mind’s eye flashed on the subtle differences in the house before me and the one my other self-resided in over 130 years from now. The realization sent a chill down my spine like one the weather never had before.

  “Are you all right?” Elizabeth put her hand on my shoulder. I nodded slowly. “You look as if you saw a ghost.”

  I tried to laugh it off as I opened our front door but her words were a little too true to be humorous. That had never happened to me to that degree before. The strangest calm came over me as my mind flashed to and fro on the foyer in the same way it had on the exterior of the house. I held onto the banister with one hand to steady myself and handed my things to Eddie with the other. I was thrilled to see Jackson standing in the doorway to our front room.

  “Hello, darling. How were classes today?” He gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Hello, Ms. Elizabeth. How are you doing?”

  “Fine. Why are you not at the office?” I inquired.

  “Good afternoon, Mr. Jackson.” Elizabeth handed her coverlet to Eddie and carried her schoolbooks into the parlor.

  “I am sorry, I hadn’t realized you were having company this afternoon.” Jackson sat down on the lounge.

  “We have an essay due for history and she is meeting with your mother at five o’clock for her final fitting on her bridesmaid’s gown,” I explained as I joined him.

  Elizabeth sat down in the rocker beside the hearth and opened up our history book. “Please do not mind me. I promise to stay out of your way.” She grinned slightly without looking up.

  “No, it is not that,” he shifted a little in my direction. “I got a lead on a house that just became available and I left the office early to see if you wanted to look at it before dinner.”

  “Can we wait until tomorrow?” It felt rude to leave Elizabeth here alone.

  “No, the owner will be leaving in the morning for New York on business and does not know when he will be returning,” he said.

  “Please, take advantage. We cannot have you two being homeless in a couple weeks,” a soft voice from the doorway spoke up. “I will be happy to keep Ms. Elizabeth company in your absence.” Olivia slowly walked in the room.

  “Thank you, I appreciate that.” I jumped at the opportunity, not only for us but for Olivia to rejoin her social life a little.

  ***

  I settled back in the carriage seat and tucked the thick quilt around me. Eddie guided us down the lane as the wind whistled outside the small windows. I leaned my head down on Jackson’s shoulder and closed my eyes.

  “So are you going to tell me what upset you so much this afternoon? You looked almost ready to cry when you arrived home today,” Jackson broke the silence between us.

  “I think the barrier is really starting to fall apart.” I went on to explain how my eyes
were playing constant tricks on me by flashing back and forth between time periods.

  “That sounds strange. I guess I never really experienced that since I lived in two different cities. There was nothing for my mind to do that to.” He turned towards the window and stared out into the evening leaving only a calm silence between us.

  “Sometimes I sit in class and let my mind wonder off and I see the most amazing things that I never could have imagined in my wildest dreams. What makes it so strange is that it no longer feels foreign anymore. Instead it feels comfortable and familiar.” My voice drifted softly through the small enclosed carriage.

  “I understand, but Jocelyn, that world, as incredible as it may appear, is still a novelty to your innocent 1878 eyes and I do not want you to lose yourself in it.”

  “What is that supposed to mean?” I turned towards him, but he was still looking out the window. “Look at me, Jackson.”

  “That — things like that. Last September you would never have thought of speaking to me in such a manner, but now — you are different. And I am not saying that in a bad way. I absolutely love that you are a strong-willed, independent, career oriented, young lady who knows exactly what she wants in this world, but some of those traits that I love are showing up here and people are noticing.” He looked solemnly back out the window.

  “Who?”

  “Your father for one. William for another. Both have mentioned to me independently that you must be experiencing some pre-wedding jitters because you have been behaving so out of character in the last couple months. When Patrick said it in front of my father, my father reassured him that jitters was all it was, but you need to be more careful.”

  I could not believe my ears. I could not recall anything that I had done in front of either of them that would be construed as out of my normal character. But before I could respond the carriage stopped abruptly and seconds later Eddie opened the side door, offering his hand to me.

  The house before me was absolutely gorgeous and rested on one of the more bustling lanes that led into the heart of Chicago. The yard was considerably smaller than the vast lawn of our family estate but the property was still over an acre large. The two-story home loomed before us in full majestic glory. There was no possible way this place was even close to being within our price range.