Close to Home

by Rachel Spangler

“Please,” Kelly sobbed.

  “What is it?” she murmured

  “Take me home?” The words came out in a single sob.

  She didn’t look back to Beth or to the doctor or even to Kelly for further instruction. “Of course.”

  Then, still holding her as close as possible, she turned them both toward the door and simply walked away.

  Whatever else needed to be said or done would wait until some of the suffering had subsided.

  Chapter Sixteen

  The next week flew by in a blur. She remembered so few of the details. So many decisions made in a haze. She had no recollection of meeting with funeral directors or picking out clothes, flowers, or a casket. She must have. Surely those decisions fell to her, and she had vague flashes of memories that always seemed to involve shaking hands or being handed Kleenex. Elliot seemed to have an unending supply of tissues. Come to think of it, Elliot had an unending supply of time and energy and compassion as well.

  Had she left Kelly’s side at all? Surely she had at some point. Others had come and gone. Beth, Rory, priests, funeral directors. There seemed to have been hordes of old ladies fussing and arranging things. Food magically appeared at odd times, and yet in the background of every cloudy remembrance, Elliot always hovered just out of view.

  Kelly turned to her now. She knew exactly where she’d find her. When had she learned to expect her there, never close enough to crowd, but always near enough to catch Kelly if she fell? Even here at the cemetery, when most of the others had left, she remained, tall and steady like one of the large oaks in whose shadows they stood. “Did you go to the funeral home with me?”

  “When?”

  “When I took them his suit?”

  “Yes.”

  A layer of fog burned away. “And last night after the wake, you stayed in the parlor?”

  “Yes.”

  “And this morning before the service, you were in the chapel when they brought in the casket?”

  “Yes, but don’t worry. I told people I was your assistant.”

  She hadn’t yet gotten to the point where she’d considered what anyone else would think about Elliot’s constant presence. She wasn’t even sure what to make of it herself. She didn’t have the energy or the wherewithal for reflection.

  “What about the office?”

  “I went there with you, too.”

  More images flashed through her mind. She’d awoken on her office couch to the sight of Elliot in a cone of light, her shirt-sleeves rolled up and her hair tousled as she pored over a spread of papers on her desk.

  “Did I sleep there?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Did I work?”

  “Sometimes.”

  “Did you sleep?”

  “At the office?”

  “At all?”

  Elliot’s mouth curled up slightly. “Sometimes.”

  Kelly felt something foreign stir in her chest at Elliot’s answers, or rather her dodging of them. Some spark of something warm, something almost alive. Then the guilt came quickly on its heels. “My dad is dead.”

  Elliot nodded slowly, stepping closer as Kelly turned to face the freshly dug grave that held his casket. She didn’t remember watching it being lowered into the ground, and yet she must have. “I don’t know what to do now.”

  “There’s a dinner. At the church. I’ve hired a car to drive you.”

  “And you?”

  “If you want. Beth is also here, if you’d rather.”

  Beth? Of course, Beth would be there. Beth was a natural in these sorts of situations. She would know what to do. She could manage everything if Kelly needed her to. Had she looked to Beth? She had no memory of doing so.

  “Did Beth ride here with us?”

  Elliot shook her head. “You asked me to.”

  A distant alarm sounded in her brain. Now that she was seeing more clearly, she examined Elliot more closely. Her eyes were sunken and accented by dark circles. Her skin had gone pale, and she might have even lost weight. What had Kelly put her through while she was going though hell? Reaching down, she took Elliot’s hand, feeling the slide of their fingers against one another as they intertwined so easily. “Thank you.”

  “For what?”

  She wasn’t even sure she could answer the question, because she wasn’t sure she would ever fully understand all the things Elliot had done for her any more than she’d understand why. “For everything.”

  Elliot gave her a tired smile. “Of course.”

  Of course. She said it so easily, so naturally, as if she’d never considered not being there for her. Didn’t she realize no one would’ve condemned her for keeping her distance? No one would’ve questioned her stepping back. To the rest of the world, they’d barely worked together two months, and even Kelly, who’d been there for every intimate moment, wouldn’t blame her for not wanting to risk their tenuous peace by getting involved to the level she had. They hadn’t left things on the best of terms before Elliot’s interview. Those memories were still as clear as the beautiful spring sky overhead. She’d behaved like a spoiled child who’d rather pout than admit she was feeling things she didn’t want to. Denying those feelings hadn’t made them go away, any more than her grief over losing her father had washed them away. In fact, she worried the emotions Elliot inspired in her may have been the only parts of herself left untouched by the sorrow that had consumed her.

  “Are you ready to go to the dinner, or do you need a few more minutes? There’s no rush.”

  “No rush,” Kelly repeated. No, she supposed there wasn’t any rush to make sense of things anymore. “Actually would you mind giving me a few minutes?”

  “Not at all.” Elliot squeezed her hand then backed away. “Take all the time you need.”

  She stepped up to the edge of the grave, smelling the loamy scent of damp earth. The sunlight streaming through the first translucent tree leaves overhead cast a lacy pattern over the mahogany casket below. She felt like she should say something, or pray something. Surely others had, but she couldn’t remember any of their words. The only echo through her mind was a constant loop of Elliot saying, “Take all the time you need,” and “There’s no rush.”

  How much time did she need? Was there ever enough? Apparently, sometimes a lifetime wasn’t long enough. More than three decades together hadn’t been nearly enough for her to say the things she should’ve said. And now there was no more time. How strange to have no time, and yet no rush. She’d run herself ragged for as long as she could remember to please him, to prove herself worthy, to escape the unavoidable. Where had it gotten her? All was lost, and what did she have to show for her efforts?

  Nothing.

  She stared into the hole in the ground, feeling the void overtake her again. At least she preferred the numbness to the pain. She might survive if only she could stay in this emotional vacuum forever.

  She turned back toward Elliot, and when their eyes met, her stomach gave an unsettling flip. The feeling was so foreign, so completely disconnected from every other aspect of her life right now, she couldn’t help but catch her breath. Seconds ago she didn’t think herself capable of feeling anything ever again, and yet with Elliot, nothingness didn’t seem to be an option.

  “When did you eat last?” Beth asked as she collected used paper plates.

  “I had some cheesy potatoes and some other white casserolish dish before the church ladies started to clean up.” Elliot rubbed her eyes. The last week had been 90 percent church ladies and casseroles. They’d all run together days ago.

  “And when did you sleep?”

  “Last night.”

  Beth eyed her suspiciously. She’d noticed that happened a lot lately. But she could only deal with so many things at once, and as much as she hated it, Beth’s suspicions weren’t even in the top ten of her worries today.

  “How long did you sleep last night?”

  “Ah, you found the loophole inherent in that question. I slept for about an hour a
nd a half.”

  Beth sighed. “I take it that’s par for the course since you got back from D.C.?”

  “Give or take.” She extended her legs to their full length and looked over her shoulder under the guise of stretching her neck, but she was searching for Kelly. She found her at the end of the table with the same glazed-over stare she’d worn for days. A white-haired lady with turquoise glasses patted her arm and whispered condolences. Elliot scanned her body language for signs of excessive fatigue. In some ways it was easier to tell now. Without her natural defenses, she didn’t hide her feelings as well. On the downside, she didn’t seem to be able to process her feelings very well, either. She understood Kelly’s need to close parts of herself off, but she wanted to make sure she didn’t shut down completely.

  At the moment, though, Kelly was sitting, she was nodding as if she heard what the woman beside her said, and she even had the strength and awareness to sip from the cup of coffee in front of her. She seemed a shell of the woman Elliot had grown used to, but the little hints that she was still functioning behind the protective veneer allowed Elliot to breathe a little easier.

  She turned back to find Beth watching her, forehead wrinkled with worry. This wasn’t the first time, either. Ever since their stare-down in the hospital hallway, she’d felt Beth watching her almost as closely as she watched Kelly. True to Beth’s personality, she’d never pushed, and Elliot never sensed a hint of judgment, but the questions hung heavily unspoken between them. She hoped they would remain that way, mostly because she hated being put into a position where she felt the need to lie, but also because she wasn’t sure she had the answers.

  She’d been so sure of everything in Washington, D.C. Her dreams had felt so close, and for the first time she’d almost believed she could reach out and grab them. She’d felt alive and strong and purposeful in that world of endless possibilities. And then when Rory’d called, it had all faded away. In that moment and every moment since, she’d known to her very core she was meant to be with Kelly. She hadn’t questioned or even doubted that call. Even now, the need to be near Kelly carried her though sleepless nights and thankless tasks. The desire to protect her, to shelter her, to carry whatever portion of the burden she could, felt as instinctual as breathing.

  How could both impulses— the one to stay and the one to go— be true? If she couldn’t tell which one offered the right path, how could she trust her instincts toward either? And if she couldn’t trust her gut on this, how could she trust it on anything?

  “Elliot?”

  She jumped. “What?”

  Both Kelly and Beth stared at her.

  “Sorry.” She rubbed her face, hoping they’d think she’d zoned out due to exhaustion and not a complete crisis of confidence.

  “I think I’m ready to go,” Kelly said.

  “I’ll drive you,” Beth offered.

  “Actually, I want to go by the office for a while.”

  Beth and Elliot exchanged a look as if to say, Do you want to handle this or should I?

  “Are you sure?” they asked in unison, then smiled. Elliot wondered if this was how Rory felt when they did their mind-meld thing. Kelly didn’t seem amused, though. She didn’t seem much of anything other than tired.

  “I have papers in my desk I want to go over tonight.”

  “I could go pick them up for you,” Beth offered. “I planned on bringing the leftovers to your place later.”

  “No, I need to check in there, and I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

  “I’m not sure you need to be there at all after the day you’ve had.”

  “I actually have a few files to go over, too.” Elliot cut in, sensing a showdown between two stubborn women. “Why don’t I walk over there with her, and that way I can make sure she doesn’t lose track of time.”

  “Thank you,” Kelly said flatly. She didn’t sound enthusiastic, but she’d accepted the offer of help without argument, and once again, she’d accepted Elliot’s presence easily while discouraging Beth’s. The trend had clearly not gone unnoticed by any of them.

  “All right,” Beth conceded. “But …” They all waited while she seemed to search fruitlessly for the right words. “Never mind.” She waved them off. “Everything else will keep until later.”

  Elliot hoped the last comment referred to the assortment of casseroles and food trays still scattered about the church hall, but she suspected there was more below the surface. Either way, Beth had granted them a temporary reprieve.

  “I’ll make sure she gets some rest,” Elliot offered, to help ease Beth’s mind.

  “Please see that she’s not the only one. Neither one of you will be good for anything if you collapse.”

  “Thank you for taking care of things here. I’m not sure how you did it, but I am grateful,” Kelly said, giving the first indication she was even aware of everything Beth had done to get the funeral together. Elliot took that as another small step in the right direction.

  Beth seemed pleased, too, though she brushed off the compliment. “Don’t mention it. Rory and I will bring the rest of the food by once we get cleaned up here. If you’re not home, I’ll leave everything in the fridge or the deep freeze.”

  “I can’t remember if I left it open or not. Do you still have your key?”

  Beth’s smile held a hint of something wistful. “I do, actually.”

  Kelly nodded and swallowed visibly, then, looking to Elliot, straightened her shoulders. “Ready to go?”

  “Yes,” she answered. She didn’t know why Beth had a key to Kelly’s house, but she supposed that fact alone wasn’t as odd as the exchange accompanying the news. As Kelly turned and headed for the door, Elliot realized she’d have to add it to the long list of things to ponder later.

  “Elliot?” Beth caught her hand.

  “Yes?”

  “Be careful with her.”

  Her chest tightened as a thousand different implications flashed through her mind. She couldn’t process any of them fully, but she felt relatively certain she’d long since left the chance for caution behind.

  “Kel?”

  Elliot leaned up against the door jamb. She’d shed her suit coat and rolled up the sleeves of her emerald dress shirt. The buttons at her throat were open, revealing just a hint of her collarbones. Her hair had lost most of its body, and little splays of auburn locks wisped over her ears and forehead. Dark circles underlined her bright green eyes. She looked totally exhausted and absolutely stunning. Kelly’s breath caught painfully in her chest.

  “I think it’s time to call it a night.”

  “What time is it?”

  “Almost eight.”

  Kelly blinked at the clock on her computer to confirm what seemed impossible. They’d been at the office for hours and she hadn’t made it through the four tax returns she’d hoped to finish today. Had she fallen asleep sitting up? Certainly she hadn’t been fully present, but apparently she’d done little other than sleepwalk for days. She’d been tired before. She’d zoned out or lost track of time, but this was something deeper. She felt almost as though she had ceased to exist in the world. What did she really have to prove that she’d even been here all afternoon? If not for the affection in Elliot’s eyes, she might not even know she was here now. How could Elliot still look at her that way? Shouldn’t she be done with her by now? Surely she could walk away any time. And what would Kelly do if she did?

  “You want me to take you back to your place?”

  “No,” The answer held a frantic edge.

  Elliot’s eyes widened briefly, but her voice stayed level. “Okay. We’ll stay.”

  She should let Elliot go. She should make her go. Kelly needed to go home, too, at some point. Keeping Elliot there wasn’t fair, but she couldn’t stand the thought of being alone. The emptiness inside was too much to bear without compounding it with an empty house. She just couldn’t take it, but Elliot couldn’t go on like this much longer, either.

  Elliot did a poor job
of stifling a yawn, then forced an apologetic smile. “Why don’t I put on some more coffee, then I’ll look over those returns for you, and you can double-check the ones I finished today.”

  God, she was too damn good. If Kelly had any piece of her heart left intact, Elliot’s unwavering commitment to her would’ve broken it. She hung her head. “I’m sorry.”

  “What?” Elliot started forward as if to catch her, then stopped short when Kelly lifted her eyes again.

  “I have to stop doing this to you, but I don’t know how.”

  “Stop doing what?”

  “Holding you here. Leaning on you. Making you carry my pain. I’m going to hate myself for this if I ever recover, but right now the prospect of a rebound seems so impossible that I can’t feel any shame.”

  “There’s nothing to be ashamed of.” Elliot crouched down beside her desk, taking her hand and looking into her eyes. “I’m here because I want to be.”

  “I worry you’re here because I can’t stand to be left alone.”

  “Maybe the two are the same. If you can’t stand to be alone, then I want to be with you.”

  “All night?”

  Elliot’s face flushed, but she didn’t turn away. “Until you don’t want me to be there anymore.”

  Why did she sound so certain of that inevitability? Because Kelly always made her so sure of the eventual rejection? Because Kelly pushed her away every time she got too close? Because she had more faith in Kelly’s fortitude than she had in herself? “You deserve better than this.”

  Elliot lifted Kelly’s hand to her lips and gently kissed her fingertips. “So do you. I wish I could do more.”

  “You’ve already done too much. If I ever come out on the other side of this, I might not be able to live with myself for taking advantage of you the way I have.”

  “Remember what I told you about consent? You haven’t taken anything I haven’t wanted to give.”

  Kelly’s heart gave a hard thud against her ribs. The sign of life nearly shocked her. She couldn’t remember the last time she’d felt her own heartbeat, and she didn’t want to lose the feeling. “Please don’t go.”