Close to Home

by Rachel Spangler

  “I promise I won’t,” Elliot whispered, “unless you go with me.”

  “Go with you?”

  “Come home with me?”

  Kelly closed her eyes and whispered her first conscious prayer in she didn’t know how long. God, give me strength. She was aware enough to know she wanted to accept the offer and also aware enough to know she shouldn’t. And yet, awareness did nothing to bolster any sort of resistance in her. She held tighter to Elliot’s hand and nodded.

  “Yeah?” Elliot asked.

  “Yes.”

  Somehow saying the word made everything fall into place. She knew Elliot didn’t magically transport her to the apartment, but it felt that way. Another disconcerting lapse in her time/memory continuum, only this time she didn’t find the shift unsettling.

  “Here’s some pajama pants and one of my T-shirts,” Elliot said, grabbing them out of a laundry basket. “They’ll be a bit big on you, but they’re pajamas, so big is good, right?”

  “Thank you.” She accepted the clothes and watched as Elliot rifled through a pile of stuff on the floor before picking up a sweatshirt, sniffing it, and then tossing it back. The move made her smile, and the expression felt pleasantly foreign— the first unguarded flash of something happy in she didn’t know how long.

  Elliot found something acceptable and turned toward the door. “I’ll be right out here.”

  “No.” The word escaped, raw and needy, and she hated herself immediately. “I mean, why?”

  “I’m not leaving. I’ll keep the door open. I just thought it might be better if I slept on the couch.”

  “You don’t have to.”

  “I don’t mind.”

  “You said I stayed here before, I mean, earlier this week. Where did you sleep then?”

  “I … well, in the chair. Or on the couch. Sometimes the floor.”

  “So what you’re saying is, you didn’t sleep.”

  Elliot shrugged. “I slept as much as you did.”

  She reached for Elliot, one hand on the curve of her hip, the contact sending a rush of warmth through Kelly. She didn’t realize until then how cold she’d been for so long. She craved the heat in a way that made her weak enough to ask for what she wanted. “Come to bed with me.”

  Elliot sucked in a deep breath. “I won’t tell you no, but I don’t want to take advantage of the situation.”

  “I do,” Kelly said, pulling her closer. “I haven’t felt anything but pain for over a week. For the last few days, I’m not sure I’ve felt anything at all. I’ve been a ghost. I barely even existed. Then you touched me. You’re the only thing that makes me feel something other than suffocating nothingness. Even if it’s just for tonight, especially if it’s just for tonight, I want to take full advantage of this situation.”

  Elliot either sensed the urgency in her words, or shared it somewhere deep inside because she obviously needed no more convincing. Taking Kelly’s face in her hands, she kissed her soulfully.

  Kelly melted into her, the rigid set of her body going languid as it sagged against Elliot’s. She had to fade into her until all their lines blurred. Falling, always falling now, Elliot caught her with a strong arm around her waist, only this time instead of using that strength to hold her up, she used it to hold them close.

  Kelly ran her hands up Elliot’s side, smoothing the folds of starched cotton against the curve of her ribs. She slid flat palms over her chest until, clutching her collar, she pulled them both down to the bed. Scooting backward on elbows and knees, they kissed and clutched their way up the mattress. Elliot kept one hand firmly pressed to the small of her back as she moved the other steadily up, massaging fatigued muscles until she reached the base of her neck. Sinking skilled fingers into Kelly’s thick hair, she gently cradled her head all the way down to the pillow.

  Never in her life had Kelly felt so cherished. The pieces of her shattered heart strained to contain the new feelings building there. Elliot continued to kiss her soundly, never breaking the contact between them, either intuiting Kelly’s need for closeness or sharing it. The weight of her body proved a soothing anchor to the present. She would not drift away again with Elliot there to tether her. Kelly remained fully present, tasting her, sweet and hot, against the cold and stone that had encased her for too long.

  Their mouths worked together seamlessly, with less urgency than before, but what they’d lost in ferocity, they’d gained in familiarity. She marveled at the sense of being known, of being seen in all her fullness or even weakness, and still being wanted. Her pulse ticked up another level as some pieces of her broken heart came back together. Pushing up, she rolled them both over without breaking the kiss. Popping open the top few buttons of Elliot’s oxford as they kissed, she traced Elliot’s collarbone with her fingers, then leaned down to kiss it. The scent of her, rich and clean, filled Kelly’s head as she nestled into the hollow of her throat. Slowly Kelly’s dormant senses reawakened. Elliot drew them back from the brink of nothingness. The world could not remain black and white, dull and dark, when something as beautiful as Elliot existed in it.

  The intensity of her need startled her even now. She hadn’t thought herself capable of something so all-consuming in her fragile state, but she didn’t fear it, not with Elliot, not yet. Every time she reached, she found Elliot open and willing to meet her where she wanted to go in the moment. She unbuttoned the last of Elliot’s buttons and spread the shirt wide, arching back only enough to look at her, to see her skin, to watch the rise and fall of her chest, to memorize the sight of her glorious form. Kelly’s brokenness stirred, the pieces trembling before the whole of Elliot splayed out beneath her.

  “Wow.” She breathed the word more than said it. “I feel like I say that a lot around you, but I’m suddenly in a little over my head.”

  Elliot sat up as much as she could with Kelly still straddling her legs. “Is this too much?”

  “Yes, but in a good way. You’re stunning, Elliot. And you’re open, and very good at everything you’ve done for me, at all the things you do, period.”

  “So are you,” Elliot said, clasping her hands on Kelly’s hips. She slid them up, taking the smooth material of her black dress with her as she caressed Kelly’s waist, her ribs, her breasts before lifting it completely over her head. “You’re also beautiful.”

  Kelly bit her lower lip and shook her head.

  “You are,” Elliot whispered, holding her close enough to kiss the top of her shoulder. “Beautiful and strong and whole. You just don’t remember.”

  “I don’t,” Kelly admitted, “but I see those things in you. I see everything I lack when I look in your eyes.”

  “No.” Elliot eased back, guiding Kelly down with her. “Anything in my eyes is a reflection of what I see in you.”

  Elliot rolled them over again in a tangle of legs, arms, and sheets. “Anything I do for you is only the expression of what you’ve made me feel.”

  She sank into the mattress as Elliot’s words poured over her. She personified perfection. God, how Kelly needed her. Needed to feel her. Needed to believe in her. Needed all of her. Reaching up, she unclasped her belt and pushed her dark slacks over the curve of her hips, and Elliot kicked them away.

  Lowering herself until each body part pressed flush and firm against its mirror, Elliot kissed her again. Kelly dug her fingernails into the rippling muscles of Elliot’s back, pinning them together and still yearning for more. She wanted to pull her in so closely that they’d become a part of each other. She wanted to keep her there in her heart until she reassembled all the pieces of her brokenness.

  With each caress and every kiss, her heartbeat grew a little stronger. She tasted Elliot’s skin, felt her touch reignite numbed nerve endings, and breathed the scent of spring on every inhale. Reawakening, renewal, rebirth. Blood rushed through her veins. The sound of her own body coming back to life drummed through her ears.

  The process almost hurt in the most beautiful way. To go from sleeping to waking
in such brilliant fashion strained every muscle as it pushed through her. She reached out for life in the form of the vibrant woman above her. Pulling her down, she urged her forward until Elliot found the center of her need. Her head lolled back as a gasp escaped her lips. The pressure was almost too much to bear, and still she cried out for more. She had to feel Elliot move inside her in every way. They didn’t have forever. She believed only in this moment because nothing else existed. She feared that outside this soaring release not even she existed. She had to learn to live here, or she might not ever live again.

  Elliot pushed inside as light shattered the darkness. Slipping one leg between Elliot’s, she sought and found the pulse of her own need. She pressed into the proof she wasn’t alone, not in any way.

  “Stay with me,” she panted.

  “Yes.” Elliot’s voice ran hoarse and hot against she skin. “I’m right here.”

  Their labored breath rasped between kisses until the pace grew frantic and Kelly buried her face in the crook of Elliot’s neck. Her heart pulsed strong and rhythmic beneath Kelly’s lips. The sign of life almost made her weep. So close, so real, so tangible. Her own heart raced to reach the rhythm of Elliot’s. Matching pace, they raced together toward release, rocking and riding out the waves of completion cresting between them.

  “Please,” Kelly finally begged, “Elliot. With me.”

  “I’m right here,” Elliot whispered. “I’ve got you. I promise I won’t let go until you do.”

  The vow shot through Kelly like an electric current, the last drastic bolt needed to kick-start her heart back into its own cadence. She crashed back into the space in her life left hollow by the last week. A sense of something more than relief flooded in behind the release. Powerful, protective, and yet somehow laid bare. How much of herself had Elliot given? How much could Kelly give back? Surely nowhere near equal measure. No. Kelly held part of her now. And pieces of her heart would always be Elliot’s.

  Chapter Seventeen

  Sunlight shone through the blinds and birds sang outside as Elliot snuggled closer to the warm body she’d curled around all night. Dreamless sleep accompanied only by the intuitive awareness of oneness held them cocooned through their rejuvenation.

  They’d more than made it through the night. She didn’t need to credit her own abilities to recognize the changes she’d witnessed in Kelly. She’d watched her come back to life. She wasn’t naïve enough to think Kelly had miraculously healed every wound, but at least now they knew for sure the prospect of healing existed beyond the dark void she’d feared might consume them both.

  Elliot fluttered her eyes open against the onslaught of light, Kelly slowly came into focus, lying on her back, one hand resting atop the sheet covering her chest and the other curled under Elliot’s neck. Her dark hair spilled across the pillow, and her red lips parted only enough to admit the shallowest of breaths. The dark circles were gone from below her eyes, leaving her pale skin pristine as she rested peacefully. Elliot fought the urge to close her eyes to such a beautiful sight as an ache started in her chest. She didn’t want to let that feeling take hold. She should turn away. She should pretend to sleep. She should do anything to keep from feeling the emotion stirring in her now. And yet, Kelly looked so much like a fairy tale, Elliot couldn’t bring herself to spoil the scene. She’d played the role of prince so often over the last week, she couldn’t resist the chance to wake sleeping Snow White, even if it meant the spell would finally be broken.

  Hovering over her just long enough to imprint this perfection in her mind, she lowered her lips to Kelly’s. She didn’t startle awake so much as soften into it. The feather-light touch melted gradually into something more as her lips parted and her fingers twitched against Elliot’s bicep before closing around her arm. What had been meant as a sweet hello, or even a type of goodbye, deepened until it stirred Elliot’s blood. Easing over Kelly’s body, she brushed lightly against her, breast to breast.

  Kelly sighed dreamily against her mouth, then took hold of her ass and pulled her down fully against her. Elliot kissed her lips, the tip of her nose, her forehead, and then nipped at her ear before whispering, “Good morning.”

  “Yes,” Kelly said slowly, “it feels like it might just be.”

  Elliot heard the wary hope in Kelly’s voice and wished desperately she could protect her from the awareness bound to accompany her awakening.

  “What day is it?”

  Elliot had to think for a moment. “Saturday.”

  “The office,” Kelly murmured through the kiss she placed over Elliot’s heart.

  “All your appointments are canceled until Monday. We can play catch-up until then … or we could stay here all day.”

  Kelly hummed contentedly. “Tempting.”

  “And yet? Tax season.”

  “Tax season,” Kelly confirmed.

  Elliot rolled softly onto her side and placed a kiss on Kelly’s temple. “How about a compromise?”

  “Not my strong suit,” Kelly said, with a hint of humor that made Elliot’s chest fill with hope.

  “What about breakfast here in bed, then a nice long, hot shower together? Then tax season may resume.”

  “Can I make a counteroffer?”

  “You may.”

  “Breakfast here in bed, then we each take nice, long, hot showers separately as a way of ensuring we actually make it back to the office by April 15.”

  “Less fun.” Elliot pretended to pout. “But probably more responsible. I accept.”

  “You do?” Kelly’s voice rose on a hint of surprise.

  “Of course. I understand.”

  Kelly’s dark eyes glistened. “I think you do. I think you’ve understood so much more than you should’ve had to. I wish I could’ve been better for you.”

  Elliot’s heart constricted at the remorse she heard in the comment, and also the choice of past tense. “You’ve had a lot to deal with.”

  “But even before, before my dad …” She swallowed as if the word still hurt too much to say. “Before last week. I wasn’t fair to you. I didn’t want to admit how much I’d grown to depend on you, and when you left for Washington, I didn’t tell you how much I would miss you because I couldn’t acknowledge it, even to myself.”

  Elliot kissed her forehead. She didn’t know what to say. Kelly had pushed her away because she feared wanting her to stay. The thought broke her heart.

  “I know you have to go,” Kelly whispered. “I want you to have everything you’ve dreamed of.”

  “Nothing’s settled yet. I might not even get the job.” Elliot thought of the look in Helen’s eyes before they’d parted and wondered if she’d just lied.

  “If not this fellowship, you’ll get another one, and I need you to take it. But I also need you to know it’s not because I don’t care. It’s because I do. I just might not be strong enough to say so at the time.”

  She searched Kelly’s eyes and doubted her last statement. The sheen of disorientation had disappeared, revealing her darker depths once more. She wasn’t her old self yet; she was still too open, too vulnerable, but she did not lack for strength. Grief had knocked her down, but nothing could actually take her out. She would survive the coming days. She would make the transition, no matter how hard it might prove. She was a fighter, and once back on her feet, Kelly would fight for the life she’d worked so hard to build.

  Did the same hold true for Elliot?

  The doubt crept in again, circling around her throat with icy fingers. She’d just witnessed a resurrection as she helped Kelly claw her way back from a cavernous void, but Elliot had lost part of her heart in the process. How many dark nights could they trudge through before they lost their way entirely? There had already been one painful goodbye in this season. Could she really bring herself to spark another?

  “Hey,” Kelly whispered, a pleading in her voice to call her back, “stay with me a little longer though, okay?”

  Had she made the request for her own benefit or
for Elliot’s? Did the difference even matter if the answer remained the same? “I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.”

  Kelly’s smile held more relief than she should’ve had to feel. “Not going anywhere other than the kitchen, you mean?”

  “Right. Because we settled on terms of agreement that included breakfast in bed.”

  “We did, and we sealed it with a kiss, which I’m pretty sure makes the contract binding.”

  “I won’t argue. You’re the CPA. I’m just the intern.”

  “And interns are also responsible for making the coffee,” Kelly said, giving her a playful push. “I like my eggs over easy, so don’t break the yolk.”

  “Oh, well, if there are special orders to follow, you’d better come supervise.”

  “You might regret that comment.” Kelly sat up and kissed her quickly. “I’m going to go wash up, and then you’re not likely to shake me for the rest of the day.”

  Elliot grinned as she pulled on her sweatpants and padded to the kitchen.

  If the week before had been a blur of devastation and sorrow, this week’s haze consisted of sex and taxes. By the time April first dawned, they were only slightly more caught up on sleep or work than they had been the day of the funeral.

  “Fifteen more days.” Elliot groaned, rolling over to face her.

  Kelly smiled, once again taken in by the sight of Elliot first thing in the morning. Her hair always stuck out at odd angles. Today’s hairdo struck a balance between rakish pirate, and troll doll. She knew she shouldn’t let herself get used to the view, but she’d yet to sleep in her own bed, generally only returning to her home to change before work. Instead of pulling back as usual, they seemed to be pulling closer. Or maybe Elliot did the pulling and she was simply powerless to resist. Perhaps she’d lost so much lately that she wanted to make the most of their borrowed time. Did it really matter how she rationalized day six of waking up in Elliot’s bed? She sighed and pushed herself to a sitting position. “Fifteen more days.”