Oh Great! I was Reincarnated as a Farmer

by Benjamin Kerei

  The flames quickly grew, and within ten seconds, I had the inside of the barn lit well enough to see by. There was a small chance I’d burn the building down around me but if I lasted long enough for that to happen I would consider it a positive outcome. A tremendous growl came from outside the barn and then I heard the troll move around, headed for the door.

  “Any tips, Salem?” I asked as I lined up the other jars of moonshine.

  Salem sighed. “The troll inside your house is only level 18. This other one is 27. If you somehow manage to kill it, you might be able to scare off the weaker one.”

  “Can you provide a distraction?”

  “I will do what I can, but I am not indestructible. These creatures are big enough to slowly squeeze me to death if they catch me.”

  The high-level troll came into view, moving through the dancing light of the burning bales.

  Nothing in my life had prepared me for seeing a troll in the flesh. I mean, I’d seen basketball players before, so I’d thought I had some point of reference to compare them to when Salem said trolls were between ten and fourteen feet tall.

  I was completely wrong.

  I chalk that up to natural human failing. When someone says a troll is twelve feet, you immediately think it’s only as big as a tall guy standing on another guy’s shoulders. That doesn’t seem so big.

  What twelve feet tall actually means is that the creature’s arm is wider than your shoulders and bigger than your body, and if you curled into a ball you would be smaller than its head.

  The last time there had been this kind of size difference between me and something that was human-shaped, I was three or four years old. Think about that. I was a fully grown man and I was about the size of a three-year-old compared to it.

  I didn’t stand a chance.

  The troll roared. The force slammed through my body, vibrating my bones, causing my muscles to clench and lock.

  You have been stunned.

  Dark green skin covered thick, slab-like muscles. Its arms were elongated, with its hands resting at knee height. It had a mouth full of misshapen fangs and eyes that were entirely black, so you couldn’t see what it was staring at, but I knew it wasn’t me. Otherwise, it would have charged.

  You are no longer stunned.

  I took one look at it and forced a grin that I no longer felt back onto my face, trying to convince myself I was excited rather than terrified. “Here, boy. Come here, boy. Come get the tasty human.”

  It growled, seeing me beyond the flames, taunting it, and charged inside. The moment its foot hit the trapdoor, I pulled the lever.

  There was just enough time while everything moved for the troll to take another step and be fully on top of the trapdoor before the fifteen-foot square of floor dropped from under it. The troll vanished, falling below the flames.

  I didn’t hesitate.

  I didn’t have that sort of luxury.

  The moment the troll disappeared, I pulled the second lever. I watched as the spike fall secured to the ceiling fell twenty feet and then vanished into the pit.

  The troll let out a second scream of pain as the metal spikes bit into its head and shoulders. The scream reverberated through my body.

  Well done, you have successfully used a spike fall to injure a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with spike falls. You can now boast that you make use a spike fall as well as any Initiate.

  Salem shot forward to investigate as I dismissed the prompt. “It’s still alive and has about a third of its health left. Don’t give it time to recover.”

  I picked up four of the jars of moonshine and limped around the flames to the hole and started hurling them in. The jars shattered against the quivering stones I’d used to give the spike fall weight.

  I’d needed the extra weight of the stones to drive the spikes in deeper, but now the stones were acting as a shield, covering the troll’s back. That was a problem. If I survived this I would have to fix that for next time. I continued to throw, praying like a sinner on his deathbed that the moonshine would leak through to the troll underneath.

  The monstrous creature was on its knees, judging by the height of the rack. And it appeared to be trying to lift the rack off of itself.

  As I threw the last jar down, I went for my pitchfork, picked up a burning pile of hay, and tossed it into the pit.

  As anyone who grew up in the country will tell you, it’s never a good idea to cover something in a highly combustible fuel and then stand next to it while lighting it. But I didn’t grow up in the country.

  An explosion filled the pit, flashing upwards, striking my face. My body instinctively leapt away as the wave of heat slammed into me. I hit the ground backwards, rolling, patting myself blindly. It took several seconds to realise I wasn’t burning. At which point, I opened my eyes and took a breath.

  Oops.

  The only thing I could smell was burning hair.

  The troll screamed as it burned, shouting a single sound over and over again.

  “Is that a word?” I yelled at Salem as I crawled to my feet, wiping my eyes. I stumbled towards the levers and the rest of the moonshine.

  “I believe it is a name.”

  “You told me trolls aren’t sentient,” I said, as I grabbed another jar of moonshine and basketball-shot it into the pit. The flames rose higher.

  “Being able to speak does not imply intelligence.”

  I tossed in another jar of moonshine. “What does it imply, then?”

  “Nothing. It is what you do with speech that indicates intelligence and even then you require some form of originality. After all, a crow may quote the greatest philosopher of a generation without ever understanding the words they quote.”

  “Okay, I’m going to agree with you now because this isn’t the right thinking environment, but I feel like we need to have a long talk about what you do and do not accept as sentient beings.”

  Salem turned to me and smiled, showing small sharp teeth. “To answer your unasked question, no, you do not count.”

  There was a crash that came from my house's direction, and my back shutter went flying, landing thirty yards away in the middle of the long grass. I threw the second to last jar of moonshine into the pit, causing another whoosh of flames, and then picked up the extra spear I kept next to the levers. I’d been leaving old spears anywhere I thought I might need them and was glad I had been right.

  The other troll roared as it ran into view. It ignored me as it headed straight for the pit, stopping at the edge to lean down and help.

  Calmer than I should have been, likely because I’d gone temporarily insane, I picked up the last jar of moonshine and threw it at the new troll’s head. The jar flew straight, shattering against the top of the troll’s hairy skull, soaking its hair and head without causing any other noticeable damage.

  The distracted troll didn’t react until the flames licking the side of the pit caught the alcohol dripping from its hair, turning it into a living birthday candle. The creature screamed in painful rage as it beat its massive fists against its skull to extinguish the flames.

  There were two seconds of struggle as it thrashed about, and then the creature leaned the wrong way and fell into the pit.

  A prompt filled my vision and light enveloped me.

  Well done, you have successfully killed a Troll with a trap. You have acquired a new skill, Trapsmith.

  Skill: Trapsmith

  Level: 1

  Effect:

  +2% to your trapsmithing ability.

  +2% to your effectiveness at locating and camouflaging traps.

  I blinked, light painting me as a target. “That was easy.”

  “You have an almost childlike level of stupidity,” Salem replied. “You killed the one it fell on top of. It has more than two-thousand health and your little fires have taken away a few hundred at best. You’ve just succeeded in making it mad.”

  Right on cue, the troll’s hands appeared along the edge of the pit, and it beg
an to pull itself out. I dismissed the prompt for the new skill.

  Well done, you have successfully used a pitfall to kill a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitfalls. You can now boast that you use a pitfall as well as any Apprentice.

  There was nothing I could do. The troll was on the barn's far side, and my remaining traps didn’t reach that far. I dismissed the new prompt.

  Well done, you have successfully used a spike fall to kill a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with spike falls. You can now boast that you use a spike fall as well as any Apprentice.

  I dismissed the prompt, starting to get annoyed with the number of prompts I was receiving.

  Well done, you have successfully used a pitfall to kill a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitfalls. You can now boast that you use a pitfall as well as any Journeyman.

  The troll got to its knees just outside the barn as I dismissed yet another prompt. It reached up and wiped away the skin and hair that was on fire, literally peeling off its face in the process.

  Well done, you have successfully used a spike fall to kill a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with spike falls. You can now boast that you use a spike fall as well as any Journeyman.

  I barely noticed the prompt I dismissed. “Shit. That was a boss move. I mean, if you wanted to intimidate someone with how tough you are, peeling off your own face has to rank at the top of that list.”

  “Agreed,” Salem said.

  Most of the flames vanished with the skin and hair, but there were burning spots all over its body where alcohol clung. The troll turned and glared at me, ignoring its injuries, and then it let out a roar and charged, leaping over the flaming pit, only to run face-first into a swinging log as I pulled its lever.

  Almost a thousand pounds of log met the troll’s stomach, knocking it backwards with a crunch, returning it to the flaming pit. The troll’s landing had the annoying side-effect of snuffing out most of the remaining flames.

  Well done, you have successfully used a log swing to injure a Troll and gained a new rank of proficiency with log swings. You can now boast that you can use a log swing as well as any Initiate.

  I looked up at my two remaining spike falls. They were to the left and the right of the logs. They were my only remaining traps.

  Salem rushed forward. “Charge, you idiot! It will not go under those traps.”

  I grabbed my spear and headed for the pit as fast as I could on my wounded leg.

  Salem reached the pit before I’d taken my first step and was looking down into the smoking hole. “You need to stab it in the eyes and blind it. You have only taken down a third of its health. You have got to cripple it enough to make it run.”

  Due to my injuries, I only reached the pit at the same moment the troll regained its feet. With its hands occupied trying to climb out, there was nothing to protect the massive face that appeared in front of me.

  Through a wall of smoke, I slammed the spear into the left eye socket. The spear dug deep, yanking free from my hands as the troll turned its head away, roaring with pain. It reared back, releasing its grip on the edge of the pit, simultaneously trying to swing for me and move away from the source of its pain.

  I threw myself to the side, just out of its reach, and felt a stinging sensation shoot through my injured leg. I glanced about, looking around for a replacement weapon. The only thing within reach was the pitchfork I’d used to move the burning hay. I quickly scooped it up.

  By the time I had it in my hand and was back on my feet, the troll had its knee on the edge of the pit and was lifting itself up again, holding a handful of the stones I’d used to weight the spike fall down with.

  Shit.

  There was no time to hide and nothing to hide behind. This version of my trap system was never designed to deal with two trolls at once. I grabbed the shaft of the pitchfork, aimed, and threw it, and then tried to get out of the way as the troll hurled the handful of melon-sized stones towards me.

  I didn’t make it.

  You have taken 16 bludgeoning damage.

  You have taken 28 bludgeoning damage.

  You have taken 5 bludgeoning damage.

  You have sustained a severe injury and are under the effect of a slow bleed. You will take 1 damage at random intervals until you can stabilise your condition.

  Pain exploded across my arm and leg as I was picked up and thrown through the air. I collided with the barn wall only a few feet away, hearing something crack as the troll screamed.

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Initiate.

  I glared at the bastard as it yanked my pitchfork from its other eye and began to pull itself the rest of the way out of the hole. I knew I had to move quickly if I wanted to get away from this asshole. I dismissed the prompt to clear my sight.

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Apprentice.

  I dismissed the second prompt as the troll lifted its other leg over the edge of the pit. I pulled myself to my feet.

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Journeyman.

  Oh, come on, I needed to see.

  I dismissed the new prompt.

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Adept.

  “Are you kidding me!”

  I dismissed the prompt as I shuffled backwards.

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Expert.

  “Fuck off, you stupid prompts. I need to see!”

  Well done, you have successfully blinded a Troll with a pitchfork and gained a new rank of proficiency with pitchforks. You can now boast that you can use a pitchfork as well as any Master.

  I screamed as I dismissed the prompt.

  Thankfully, nothing else appeared.

  I tried to take another step away, not looking where I was going, and immediately tripped over the empty moonshine jar I’d used to light the hay wall. The fall sent new spasms of pain through me.

  You have taken 1 fall damage.

  As I tried to stand, my body didn’t seem to want to respond. It might have had something to do with the fact that the health bar in the corner of my vision was blinking like a strobe light. I started to crawl, trying to put as much distance between me and the troll as I could.

  The troll crouched and sniffed, moaning and making a sound like a bellows. It carefully turned to face me and then backed up until it came in contact with the barn. The moment it did, it placed a hand against the wall and the other against the floor. Bloody tears poured from its eyes as it began shambling towards the barn entrance, feeling for the pit.

  I stared, surprised by how functional it seemed to be despite being blind. It measured the edge finding a path and stepped over the pit before disappearing around the corner. I could hear it heading towards the forest.

  I pulled myself back to my feet and tried to take another step. A spasm of pain shot through my leg. My health dropped lower. My head spun and my vision blurred.

  Your condition is not stable. You have taken 1 damage.

  Salem found me a few seconds later, leaning against the wall panting. He took one look at me and immediately shook his head. “Your health is dropping. You are under a slow bleed effect. Even though you are not mortally wounded, you still might die if it reaches zero…if you want to stop that, you should claim the dead troll’s experience.”

  “You couldn’t have led with that last part
?” I said, wincing in pain. I felt like shit, and it was hard to focus, but he was right; I didn’t feel like I was dying.

  There was another burst of fire from my right leg as I put weight on it, but I ignored that as I walked the few yards to the pit. The moonshine had mostly burnt out. I’d have to invest in something that lasted a little longer next time.

  Salem moved around me and knocked the wooden ladder off the wall by jumping at it. With an annoying amount of ease, he shoved it into the smouldering pit, so that it came to a stop with several feet above the edge.

  “You are welcome.”

  “Thank you,” I said as I grasped the edge of the ladder and started climbing down.

  I had to hurry, but I couldn’t go so fast that I fell. My health was bottoming out, and unlike stamina that had serious consequences. I’d do anything from pass out to have a heart attack and die. If the blow had bottomed out my health, I would have died already, but a slow bleed effect meant there was a chance I could stop that from happening.

  There wouldn’t be if I fell.

  I decided my right leg was definitely broken when I tried to put all my weight on it, only to feel a level of agony I didn’t know existed and watch everything go all starry for a few seconds. Only my death grip on the ladder kept me from falling.

  Smoke choked my throat and eyes and I did my best to hold my breath when I reached the bottom.

  “Get on your knees and follow my voice,” Salem said, leaping down beside me. “I will lead you to where you need to go.”