Oh Great! I was Reincarnated as a Farmer

by Benjamin Kerei

  It was Quilly’s design. I certainly didn’t have the skills to make something like that work.

  At the top of the ladder, I ran to the hayloft door.

  I carefully undid the latch and slowly pulled it open so I didn’t draw attention to myself. The smell of unwashed bodies and rotting meat filled the night air. I grabbed the escape rope as Salem leapt out the window. Both of the massive pitfalls below the hayloft door held dead apes, surrounded by canvas and grass. The granite walkway between the two pits was exposed for all to see, but the path was too narrow for the massive monsters to navigate. That hadn’t stopped them from trying. There were clear signs that other monsters had fallen into the pits, squashing the corpses at the bottom, before they climbed out. There were also signs that others had come around the back to attack from behind. All but two of the dozen pitfalls held at least one monster corpse.

  The trolls and apes around the back had seen the dead and had distanced themselves from the threat, standing back, unwilling to get any closer than the rear corner of the barn. They were currently distracted, looking towards those attacking the sides of the barn.

  I threaded my hand through the escape rope, grabbed my war pitchfork, and stepped off the edge. The extra weight of the 10 remaining crystals was immediately made apparent as the ground raced towards me. Pain exploded up my shins.

  You have taken 28 fall damage.

  I stifled a groan as the pain shot through my legs. My health mitigated the damage, lessening the effect to a third of what it would have been before I raised my constitution. If I’d had this much health when that troll threw the rocks at me I would have only walked away with heavy bruising instead of broken bones.

  Light enveloped me.

  Well done, you have gained a new level in your Trapsmith skill. You are now level 34.

  Shit.

  I took off running down the narrow stone path. Adrenaline coursed through me as the apes and trolls reacted to the light that was now surrounding me. Deep primal roars rattled my teeth as they rushed in. Thankfully my constitution was too high for the roars to cause a stun effect. I leapt off the path and hit open ground, running across the field for the granite paved road thirty yards away.

  “Zigzag,” Salem shouted ahead of me.

  I immediately turned, going right and then changed to the left. Chunks of the barn and great clods of dirt slammed into the spaces I would have been.

  “Duck.”

  I bent over, going as low as I could without slowing, trusting Salem. I felt the wind from something pass over my head. My heart rate increased despite the thirty-mile-an-hour pace being comparable to a fast walk for me.

  My feet finally hit the road, the pavement allowing me to move faster. Several more seconds passed as missiles continued to land around me.

  “Straighten up,” Salem said. “Get to the fallback point. I’ll check on the others.”

  I stood up straight, putting on more speed. The distance between me and my pursuers grew.

  I had to run around a few trolls and ogres, but I made it to the rendezvous point with no more trouble. The small granite farmhouse was positioned three hundred yards beyond the reservoir, directly in the village's path. It was the only new building on the eastern side of the village that wasn’t a barn and it was barely more than four walls and a roof.

  I ran around the back and stopped. There was no door in the doorframe, but that was expected. My darkvision enhanced the glow coming from someone’s hooded lantern inside.

  “It’s me,” I said and waited.

  “You can come in. We’ve lowered the crossbows,” Pel replied.

  I stepped through the door and scanned the room. Manson and Pel were in the middle behind a large granite block, crossbows pointed towards the wall. Jeric was to my right, his shield strapped to his arm and sword out. All three of them were squinting, unable to see in the dark.

  “Where’s Lenlin?”

  “He still hasn’t arrived,” Jeric said.

  As I moved to the back of the room to look through the gap in the shutters, I pulled up my farm interface and checked my list of workers. Lenlin’s name was still on it. “He’s alive.” All three of them sighed in relief. “So…there were a few more than we anticipated. How long have you been here?”

  The attack had only begun fifteen minutes ago, but considering the size of it, I was surprised I had lasted as long as I did.

  I turned back to see Jeric blush. “I’ve been here the longest. I had a couple of apes show up. They took out the trapdoor above the pitfall and made it halfway in before the traps took them down. They weren’t even dead before two whole tribes of cyclopes charged in. They didn’t flinch or slow down when their companions died. They just kept charging. I triggered everything I had, but there wasn’t enough time between pulls for the traps to reset themselves. Dozens made it to the control room and began pounding on the door. Maybe I could have gotten a few more if I’d stayed, but I was only about ten seconds ahead of them by the time I hit the ground and started running. Lugging all that experience certainly slowed me down.”

  “Wait, that was you?”

  Jeric shrugged. “Salem had me clear one of the automated barns before they showed up. A komododile’s tail covered the trapdoor.”

  “Same here,” Pel said.

  I shook my head and finally checked the gap in the shutters. The field of grass above the reservoir glowed red. Without it, it would be hard to tell it was there. Arnold’s Hill sat directly behind it, blocking my view of the forest and the giant. Unless there was something directly behind the hill, there was nothing dangerous for at least a mile.

  We were safe for the moment.

  “I arrived second,” Manson said. “I left a big pile of ogres and trolls behind. It would have been bigger, but those apes were smart. They lifted a couple of their group onto the roof of the barn and tried to get me from above.”

  I stared at him. “Seriously? They came in from above? How did the roof stay up?”

  “It didn’t. They fell through; one of them landed inside. I managed to get that one before the other started using the load-bearing beams as a climbing frame. I made a run for it when it got too close.”

  “I ran out of traps to trigger, so I left,” Pel said, grinning. “What do we do now, boss? I mean, this isn’t something we trained for. We don’t have enough traps left to take them all out even if we used ourselves as bait to lure them to the remaining pitfalls around the village.”

  I snorted. “It’s nice of you to offer to be bait, but maybe another time. You know where the horses are, get them saddled, and take them to the second rendezvous point.”

  Manson nodded. “You want us to take Quilly?

  I shook my head and then realised he couldn’t see me in the dark. “Salem already warned her about the numbers issue. Half the village will be covered in traps by now. Going in there to find her will get you killed. Don’t be surprised if the eastern gate is open and candles are burning in the windows. She’s using the whole village to help us lure the giant.”

  Manson took the hood off his lantern. “Okay, don’t go into the death village. Got it. Good luck with the giant.”

  “Thanks.”

  Pel took the hood off her lantern. “Try not to die.”

  I pulled my backpack off, took out the cloak, and held the bag out for them to take. They already had their own backpack to lug around, but they had time, so giving them another wouldn’t cause any trouble. “If I die, there are two complete crystals in there for each of you and Lenlin.”

  Their eyes widened.

  Manson took the backpack. “Thanks.”

  “It’s only yours if I die.”

  “Arnold, you seriously need to stop making gestures that make people wish for your death,” Jeric said, chuckling, before handing over his bulging backpack to Pel.

  I grinned.

  Manson and Pel laughed as they hurried out of the door.

  I looked out the gap in the shutters, keeping w
atch. Nearly a minute passed before Jeric said anything. “Congratulations on getting through your second threshold. How did you manage to do it?

  “Thanks. Between you guys, tonight, the last month of mayhem, and me making the mistake of looting a troll corpse, my farm has generated 10,000,000 experience in the past year.”

  “That’s a legendary method for passing through the second threshold.”

  “It’s why I took it.”

  “Why did you say it was a mistake to loot the troll corpse?”

  “It generated 22 full experience crystals to go along with the 6 I received from the komododiles.”

  Jeric nodded. “They couldn’t all fit in your pack, so where are they?”

  “I had to consume them.”

  Jeric winced. “How many?”

  “Eighteen,” I said.

  Jeric swore.

  “Yeah, that was my reaction too.”

  “Any sign of Lenlin?”

  “None so far.”

  Five minutes later, I let out a sigh of relief. “He’s coming. Salem’s with him and they aren’t being followed. You should be able to see his lantern,” I said, stepping aside.

  Jeric walked over and looked through the gap in the shutters. He had enough wisdom to give him a lesser form of darkvision. It was nothing like my own, but he wasn’t blind. “What do you think took him so long?”

  “No idea. Ask him.”

  It was another minute before Lenlin reached the building and stopped outside the door. “It’s me,” he wheezed, breathing heavy.

  “Come in,” I said, before adding, “What took you so long?”

  Salem didn’t wait for the invitation. He ran straight in, knowing none of us would be able to hit him with a crossbow even if we tried.

  Lenlin entered a second later, made his way to the granite block, dropped his pack and sat down. He lay back and said, “Give me a minute.”

  I turned to Salem. “Why aren’t we seeing any monsters? The other barns fell more than ten minutes ago.”

  Salem chuckled. “You have managed to scare them. They won’t move more than a mile from the tree line, and the only reason they will go that far is that they are more afraid of the giant than they are of you.”

  “Why doesn’t the giant push forward then?”

  “I believe it is waiting for the cooldown on its rallying call to elapse. It cannot seem to gather its minions without it.”

  From the books I read, that ability’s cooldown time generally lasted for about an hour with a giant. “So, we’ve got half an hour until anything happens then.”

  “If my theory is correct.”

  Chapter Fifty

  A DISAPPOINTING END

  It turned out Lenlin was late because he’d been dealing with an ogre issue. His barn had outlasted everyone else’s, but that meant the number of monsters wandering around between him and us was higher. He’d had to drink the speed potion I’d given him and lead nearly a dozen monsters into pits before his pursuers finally gave up and let him flee. I gave him five minutes to catch his breath and eat to replace his stamina and then I sent him to find the others.

  I tried to send Jeric with him, but Jeric flatly refused. This was his village whether or not he was still the mayor, and he would be the last one to leave now that it was threatened.

  The adrenaline that had been pumping through our systems waned along with much of the excitement. Exhaustion and stress from the monthlong exertion left me wanting to lie down on the floor and go to sleep.

  The excitement didn’t even return when the giant roared, or when Salem returned and said, “It has gathered the survivors into a horde and is leading them towards Arnold’s Hill.”

  I frowned, looking out through the gap in the shutter. I’d gotten a whole lot calmer and braver since my last two boosts of charisma and Salem’s reply was not what I wanted to hear. I was finally ready to do what needed to be done. I could be the human bait we needed me to be.

  Looking through the gap, I couldn’t make out the giant, but the trolls and other monsters were spread out in a wide enough horde that I could see the edges moving towards us. “When you say leading them, do you mean leading them from the front, middle, or back?”

  “The front.”

  My frown deepened. “When you say it’s leading them toward the tower, do you mean a straight line or in a roundabout route?”

  “Straight line.”

  My frown intensified. “When you say a straight line, do you mean it is going to climb the tower and then walk directly into the reservoir trap without me having to do anything, or a straight line toward the village?”

  “If they do not change their formation, then I believe the giant will walk straight to the tower, climb it and then head directly for the village, falling into the trap.”

  “That’s good news,” Jeric said happily.

  “It’s terrible news,” I said, face falling further. “Do you have any idea how much I’ve spent on preparing myself to act as bait for this monster? I’ve literally put thousands of crowns and months of preparation into this. I’ve got almost every blessing I can buy, a dozen magical items, and a whole bunch of abilities specifically so I can stay ahead of it. And that stupid bastard might walk right into the trap all by itself.”

  “Well, we did place the tower and the reservoir directly in its path for that exact reason,” Jeric said, trying to keep a straight face.

  “I don’t care. This is not how this is supposed to end.”

  “Oh, dear,” Salem sighed. “What delusion have you concocted now?”

  “Huh?”

  “How did you think this would end?”

  I scowled at Salem. “If you must know, I figured it would come towards the village at an angle. I’d have to run out, weave my way through the monsters near it, so I could get close enough to throw my war pitchfork at it. I’d aim for its dick and trigger the critical strike on the war pitchfork, guaranteeing it hit, and then I’d run like hell with my monster cloak of taunting billowing in the wind behind me, encouraging it to chase after me with abandon. I’d have to dodge through the monsters to get out, but then I would be in open ground with the giant behind me, but that would be fine because of my insane speed. I would then race to the reservoir, keeping the giant close. It would be so enraged it wouldn’t realise what was going on until it started falling, at which point, I would turn to it and say something badass.”

  Jeric snorted. “What were you planning to say?”

  “Meep, Meep, motherfucker.”

  “What does that even mean?” Salem asked.

  “It’s a reference to a character from my childhood and one of the greatest actors ever born.”

  Jeric patted my shoulder holding back laughter, fighting tears. “I’m sure you can say it from here when it falls in.”

  “It won’t be the same.”

  Salem growled. “Why are you upset?”

  “I’m not upset.”

  “You are whining. You know how dangerous a giant is. This is much safer for everyone.”

  “But it would have been epic,” I said, not whining even a little. “Bards would have written songs about me. I would have gotten famous. Do you have any idea how much chicks dig a guy who is hot, rich, famous, and brave enough to be live bait for a giant?”

  Jeric finally lost it. He threw one hand over his mouth to stifle his laugher. Tears were pouring down his cheeks. “I’m sorry for the lost opportunity,” he spluttered, wheezing, unable to control his laughter.

  “It’s not funny. Do you have any idea what songs they will sing about me now? It’s going to be nothing but comedy. I can see it already. I’ll be the punchline of a poorly-sung joke.”

  “Actually, they will most likely be children’s songs,” Salem said, deadly serious. “The giant will be dumb and you will be the wacky farmer who trapped him. Everyone will join in on the chorus. And the song will be so simple that any child over four will be able to sing it from memory.”

  Jeric fa
ce turned a deeper shade of red as he fought for self-control.

  “This isn’t how a giant story is supposed to end,” I said.

  “Well, the story is not over,” Salem offered. “Perhaps conditions will change and you will have to go out there like you want.”

  I turned back to the shutters, trying to ignore Jeric’s laughter, hoping that Salem was right.

  It took the giant five minutes to walk the two miles and climb the tower and it was only in the last minute that Jeric managed to recover. Once the giant reached the top, it went into an obvious rage, tearing apart the warding poles with fury, exactly as Ranic had planned.

  Climbing down in such an anger-fuelled rush made it clumsy, and it fell the last fifty feet which only added to its mood. In seconds, it was up and standing charging towards the warding poles in front of it, crushing them under its feet.

  The last time I faced the giant, it had been night and I didn’t have darkvision. All I had seen was a massive, human-shaped silhouette. Now, I could actually see it, and it was bigger, much bigger, more than forty feet tall.

  Thick black fur covered everything except for its face, feet, and hands. Think bigfoot except with a human face that is black as midnight. None of the illustrations I had seen did it justice. The creature exuded power. The tallest trolls and ogres behind it didn’t even reach its waist.

  To my utter dismay, it stayed ahead of the horde. There was no last-minute change up or unexpected recognition. The giant’s eyes were locked on the village as it raged over the warding poles.

  I don’t think it suspected anything at all until it stepped onto the red hazard area above the reservoir and disappeared below.

  “You can say your line,” Salem said.

  “Meep, Meep, motherfucker.”

  It wasn’t the same.

  The fact that Jeric was laughing at me and the horde of monsters was already beginning to flee only made it worse.

  Light illuminated the two of us as we both received the same series of prompts.