Pieces of Me

by Jacquie Underdown

  I laughed. ‘I’ll join you on that one.’ I held out my arms and she accepted my embrace. I held her tight to me, her head on my chest. Dangerous, I know. I was letting this go too far. But I was beyond trying to refute emotions I had no control over.

  Chapter 33

  Hannah

  Black and white sheer lace, that’s what I chose to fulfil my lingerie bucket-list item. Little boy shorts with a lace back that sliced an inverted v shape across my arse and sat low on my hips. The bra had two criss-crossed straps that linked each cup to the other and created a wicked cleavage. So different from the white cotton or black contour bras I was used to.

  I peered at my reflection in the mirror. Allister’s voice rang in my head, ‘You think you’re sexy enough to wear that?’

  I almost looked away from my curved hips and fleshy stomach. Yes my thighs touched. But did any of that mean I wasn’t sexy? What was Allister’s definition of sexy anyway? What some media company told him? For all I cared, he could have that definition and prove to everyone else how malleable he was—a mindless consumer with no awareness of his own desires. I turned a circle, looking from head to toe as I did, and smiled.

  ‘Yes, Allister, I am sexy enough to wear this.’

  I threw on jeans and a black t-shirt. The surf club, where I was going with Nat and her crew, was very casual. That suited me just fine.

  My phone buzzed as I was ready to leave.

  Bear: Have you left yet? Coz I’ll swing by and pick u up otherwise.

  Me: Would love a lift ☺

  Bear: See you soon!!!

  Me: Exclamation marks not necessary (unless you were really shouting that).

  Bear: Meh!!!!

  I giggled and threw my phone into my handbag. He was in a better mood than he was yesterday. I locked the front door behind me and waited on the front steps.

  Bear pulled into the driveway a few minutes later … on a motorbike! He was mouth-watering with his shirt pulled tight across his muscled back as he arched to grip the handlebars. His strong triceps and forearms flexed beneath his shirt. But I was not getting on that thing. My stomach fluttered.

  He let the bike idle, took his helmet off and shook his hair out. Oh, he was a picture, directly out of Hell, because with the wicked thoughts I was having, this man would never be allowed in Heaven.

  ‘Hi,’ he said, handing me a spare helmet.

  I shook my head. ‘No. Way.’

  He laughed, his pale green eyes shining in the dying light. ‘Come on. You haven’t lived unless you’ve ridden a motorbike. Or, in your case, on the back of a motorbike. I promise you’ll be safe.’

  What did appeal was my legs wrapped tightly around him. What didn’t make the cut, was that I could fall off and scrape skin off the bone. However, one little thing he said—you haven’t lived unless you’ve ridden a motorbike—registered with a deeper part of me. The part wanting to live life to the fullest instead of crouching in fear whenever faced with something new.

  I blew a deep breath outwards and took the helmet from him. He grinned wide, part cheeky, part pleasured, and I was mesmerised. I pushed the helmet on and tied the strap under my chin.

  ‘Jump on,’ he said, nodding to the space on the seat behind him.

  I climbed on and pressed against him. My arms tightly circled his waist.

  ‘I’m going to have to breathe at some point,’ he said, chuckling. The muscles in his stomach tensed and tightened as he did.

  ‘Oh sorry,’ I said, loosening my grasp.

  He pulled his helmet on. ‘Let’s do this.’ And rumbled out of the driveway onto the road, before accelerating down the street. I squashed my helmeted face to his back and squeezed my eyes closed. Open them up, Hannah, otherwise this doesn’t count towards living. I opened them and sat up straighter. The scenery sped by. Wind flicked hair around my shoulders and whipped across my arms. But it wasn’t scary. Not at all. It was exhilarating—the rumble beneath me and my thighs wrapped around a man as taut as the bike he rode.

  ‘Woohooo!’ My cheer was muffled by the helmet.

  I felt Bear’s stomach muscles shake as he laughed, which made me laugh too. Loud and free.

  We arrived at the surf club too soon. And to think I didn’t want any part of this bike to start with. I jumped off and took my helmet off. Bear followed.

  I peered at him, a smile stretching across my face. ‘Oh my god. That was so much fun.’

  He laughed. ‘Better than surfing?’

  I shook my head. ‘Nope. Not quite. But close.’

  The others were already inside the surf club, sitting on the verandah overlooking the ocean. The breeze was strong tonight and there was clear plastic blinds blocking most of it out, but leaving the view wide open. The club was in need of refurbishing, with its timber panelled walls and outdated pale blue décor, but it was all I needed. A bar, an endless view, and good friends.

  Nat stood and cuddled me when I neared the table. ‘Glad you could make it.’ She pulled me in close and whispered in my ear. ‘Now I hope you don’t mind, but I asked a good friend of mine to join us. He’s … single.’

  I tensed at the thought of meeting a new man for the purposes of being set up, but I strained a smile and laughed as naturally as I could. ‘I don’t mind, Nat.’

  She shrugged a single shoulder and giggled. ‘Good. I didn’t think you would.’

  Was she going to set me up with someone new each week? I offered greetings to Bayden, Daniel and Jasmine before Nat introduced me to Ryan. He was tall, blond and had amazing blue eyes. I’ll admit it, he was sexy. I didn’t know what they put in the water on Mercy Island, but this place bred sun-kissed surf gods.

  Nat took my hand and led me to my seat—next to Ryan, of course—while Bear sat up the other end of the table.

  Ryan smiled bashfully when his gaze met mine. ‘I’m sorry. Nat, she gets these match-making ideas and …’

  ‘It’s fine.’

  ‘Oh no. I’ve read about what it means when a girl says, “it’s fine”.’

  I laughed. ‘Not true. I actually mean it.’

  He grinned wide. ‘Good. So, I always feel like it’s a bit awkward when there’s no denying that someone has tried to fix you up at a get-together,’ he said the last bit loudly while looking at Nat. Nat pointed to her chest and pulled an innocent expression. The rest of the table laughed. ‘So, how about we just get to know each other as though there was no one dreaming of grand schemes of love.’ He pretended to cough, while looking sidelong at Natalie. ‘Ahem, Natalie.’

  ‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ she said.

  I laughed. ‘I’m happy with that.’

  He leaned closer across the table. ‘So you’re Jocey’s granddaughter?’

  I nodded, conditioned now that everyone I meet will have known Gran. ‘How did you know her?’

  His smile fell away and he lowered his gaze. ‘I’m a nurse. I work in Oncology. I got to know her well during her treatment. She was a strong, brave lady.’

  I nodded. ‘Yeah. She was.’

  ‘So what made you decide to move to Mercy Island?’

  I offered my usual social lie about needing a fresh start. Bayden and Bear knew the truth. In a town as small as Mercy Island, I wondered how many of the others now had heard the real story behind my ‘escaping’ Melbourne. I shifted in my chair, suddenly finding it a little difficult to breathe. Claustrophobic almost.

  ‘You okay?’ asked Ryan.

  I nodded and strained a smile. ‘Tell me, Ryan, how did you get into nursing?’

  He took a sip of his drink—Coke and some sort of spirit—and grinned after he swallowed. ‘I wasn’t smart enough to be a doctor. So this was the next best thing.’

  I laughed, the squeezing in my chest easing. ‘It obviously has its own rewards?’

  He nodded. ‘Absolutely.’

  ‘You had to go out of town to study that?’

  ‘Yeah. A three year stop-over in Brisbane.’

  ‘Never
thought of leaving Mercy Island for the big smoke permanently?’

  He shook his head hard. ‘Nope. The traffic pissed me off too much in the city. And the beaches sucked.’

  I laughed. ‘I hear you on that one. I used to love coming to visit Gran in the summer holidays. The more time I spend back here, the more I’m falling in love with this place.’

  Chapter 34

  Bear

  Nat had good intentions. A single woman moved to town who was also smart, sweet, and sexy, it seemed logical to try and match-make. Nat didn’t know Hannah’s past. Or that she wasn’t ready for a relationship.

  Nat had always tried to hint that I should stay in Mercy Island. Last week’s attempt to pair me with Hannah was one final effort. Obviously, with Ryan sitting here across from Hannah now, Nat had given up on that idea. Probably for the best.

  I peered at Hannah from across the table, at the way she spoke to Ryan and he back to her. He’s one of my best mates. I’d be happy for him if they hit it off. My chest tightened. My palms felt warm and sweaty. I wiped them on my jeans.

  ‘Hannah,’ I said, before I knew it had fallen from my lips. She stopped talking and looked at me. So did Ryan. ‘I’m heading to the bar. Would you like me to grab you something while I’m there?’

  ‘Oh, you don’t have to do that. I can grab my own drinks.’

  ‘I’d be happy to.’

  I caught Nat’s eye and she rose one perfectly arched eyebrow. I looked away, ignoring her silent questioning.

  Hannah stood. ‘Um. Okay. I’ll come up with you then.’

  I should have said, ‘no, you stay seated. I’ll grab it,’ but I didn’t. I wanted to interrupt the cutesy conversation they were having. Guilt flooded my veins, but it wasn’t strong enough to stop me.

  Ryan stood and said to Hannah what I should have. Hannah sat and gave Ryan her order. He followed me up to the bar and as we stood and waited, he slapped his hand on my back. ‘Am I missing something, bro?’

  I turned to face him. ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Hannah? Kinda sensing I might be stepping on some ground you’ve already made.’

  ‘There’s no ground,’ I said harshly. ‘We’re friends.’

  He threw both hands up. ‘I hear what you’re saying, but I’m picking up something very different. I’ll back off, mate. I don’t want to step on your toes. I just figured that you’re leaving soon …’

  ‘I am. No toes.’

  He nodded, eyes narrowed. ‘I’m gonna back up.’

  I shook my head then sighed. Who was I kidding? Ryan knew me too well. And he was a good guy. He wasn’t going to pursue any possibility with Hannah if he knew I was sweet on her. God, it all felt so ridiculously primal, like I’d staked some claim on her. She was her own person. Freewill and all that. I had no right to dictate who she did and didn’t talk to, hell, flirt with, sleep with … My stomach clenched and I had an overwhelming desire to punch something.

  ‘I’d love to … I want to …’

  Ryan nodded. ‘I get it, mate. You’re smitten.’

  Smitten? Really? Was I that far gone? And was it so obvious? ‘It’s just that I’m leaving. I don’t want to hurt her. She’s had a hellish relationship break-up. She’s not interested in anything serious …’

  ‘So have a good time together.’

  I rubbed my hands over my face. ‘Not sure I can do that.’

  Ryan laughed. ‘Of course you can.’

  ‘It’ll be too hard … saying goodbye.’

  Ryan laughed harder and slapped my back. ‘Aren’t you one big fucking softie.’

  I shrugged.

  ‘I’m backing off. Until you work out what you want to do.’

  I should have told him to stop being ridiculous, but I didn’t. Instead, I nodded.

  We ordered our drinks and carried them back to the table. Ryan made Daniel switch seats with me, under the pretence that he hadn’t seen me for ages and wanted to catch up. So the match-makee had become the match-maker. I avoided Nat’s all-knowing, all-watching eyebrow.

  I noticed over the course of the night, Hannah had two or three wines and ate all of her meal, while the others proceeded to drink themselves under the table. A typical Saturday night.

  ‘Taking it easy?’ I asked nodding to her wine glass.

  She smiled bashfully. ‘Don’t want to make the same mistake I did last time.’

  Ryan smiled. ‘What happened last time?’

  ‘Nat made cocktails.’

  Ryan laughed. ‘Enough said. Those cocktails are illegal in four states.’

  ‘If they’re not, they should be,’ I said.

  ‘They’re an initiation of sorts … testing one’s fortitude,’ said Ryan.

  ‘Well, let’s just say my fortitude is in limited supply. And poor Bear here had to pick up the sad and sorry mess I was in.’

  Ryan slapped my back and laughed. ‘Poor old sober Bear. Always left with that job.’

  Hannah looked at me then. ‘You don’t drink?’

  I shook my head. ‘Never more than one or two.’ I wasn’t going down the same path my mother chose, particularly if there was the possibility I had inherited her predisposition for addiction.

  She nodded, her face showing understanding.

  ‘Great for us,’ said Ryan. ‘There’s always a designated driver. And now with Bayden working shifts …’

  Bayden leant across me. ‘Yes, Hannah, my soul purpose in life is to drive these drunks around.’

  I laughed. ‘Don’t you talk, Bayden. I’ve given you a few lifts home when you couldn’t even walk.’

  Bayden pressed his finger to his lips. ‘Sssshhh. New Girl doesn’t have to hear all the gory details right away. You’re destroying my clean-cut, local-cop-with-a-great-smile persona.’

  Hannah laughed. ‘You do have a great smile.’

  He winked. ‘Thank you, Hannah.’

  My phone buzzed on the table. Rebecca. It was 11.17. Why would she be ringing now? I quickly answered.

  ‘Hey. What’s up?’

  I stood and walked away from the table.

  There was crying. My heart thudded. ‘Bec, what the hell is going on?’

  ‘I hate it here, Bear. I want to come home.’

  ‘Oh, baby girl. What’s happened?’

  ‘Nothing. Everything. People are so competitive. My classes are too tough. I hate it.’

  ‘Oh, Becca. Come on. Don’t cry.’ I felt useless. She was too far away. There was nothing I could do from here. ‘Is it that bad?’

  She cried into the phone and my heart broke. ‘I don’t know. I just miss home so much.’

  ‘I know. I know. That’s normal. You’re bound to get home sick. But it will pass.’

  ‘I hope so.’

  ‘Nothing’s happened to make you feel like this? No one’s … hurt you?’

  She sniffled. ‘No. Not really. I just feel so lonely. I’ve been studying my butt off trying to keep up. All the others in my class are so much smarter. I’m not good enough to be here.’

  ‘Don’t say that. You earned your spot. So what if you have to work a little harder, that’ll only be an asset later down the track.’

  Again she sniffled, but the crying had eased. ‘I miss you.’

  I managed a solemn laugh. ‘It’s been a week.’

  ‘I know. It’s crazy, because you’re my stinky big brother and I shouldn’t want to come home. I should be enjoying my freedom, right?’

  I sighed, my shoulders rolling forwards. ‘No. I understand. I miss you too.’

  ‘You do? I thought you’d be out partying it up.’

  I scoffed. ‘Hardly.’

  ‘I’m sorry to ring so late.’

  ‘You ring me anytime you need me. Even if it’s three o’clock in the morning. You hear me?’

  ‘Yeah,’ she said.

  ‘Try and get some sleep, Bec. You sound tired and that might be making things worse.’

  ‘You try sleeping in this heat. It’s ridiculous up here.�
�

  ‘How about I organise an air-con for you?’

  ‘That would be good.’

  ‘All right. I’ll do that. But try and get some sleep tonight and relax tomorrow.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘And give me another ring in the morning.’

  ‘Yep.’

  ‘Or even again tonight if you have to, okay?’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘It will get easier, Bec. There’s going to be a period of adjustment. That’s expected.’

  ‘Yeah I know.’

  ‘I’ll talk to you in the morning.’

  ‘Okay.’

  ‘Bye, Bec.’

  ‘Bye, Bear.’

  I hung up, my head hanging as I sighed. A gentle hand on my back. I breathed in the sensation of comfort.

  ‘Everything okay, Bear?’ Her sweet voice.

  I spun to face Hannah, unable to lose my frown. ‘Bec’s homesick. She was upset.’

  ‘Oh no.’

  I shook my head. ‘She calmed down a little by the end of the call.’

  Hannah frowned up at me, her eyes pooling with empathy. ‘And how are you?’

  I sighed. ‘Shit. It breaks my heart.’

  ‘Big brother Bear. Come here,’ she said, holding her arms out. I fell into her embrace and wrapped my arms around her. She felt so damn good, her warmth, and the way her hand drifted up and down my back. I nestled my nose in the curve of her neck and breathed in her sweet-almond scent. She had this ability to make everything pale in significance, especially when her body was against mine. She was my ocean on land.

  An ache started in my chest. Desire, bubbling and tensing in my body, spread to my limbs. The yearning found me lower.

  No more waiting. I wanted her so bad my knees shook.

  ‘I need you,’ I whispered into her ear before I could stop myself.

  Her next breath rasped. She unwrapped herself from my arms and stared up at me.

  Was I willing to risk rushing her, our friendship, my heart? Leaving be damned. I knew on a biological level I couldn’t miss this chance to be with Hannah in this way.

  She was so sexy. Compassionate. Funny as hell when she let her guard down. Yes, she’d been through a traumatic ordeal with her ex. But I’d treat her well. I’d show her that she deserved to be treated like a princess.