Hiding From Seagulls

by John Wallis

  The Elephant Man

  In the book Madeline was so fond of, as she constantly reminded us, the Yellow Brick Road led to the Emerald City. A place described as wonderful and magical. Predictably our mud filled underground caves did not lead us to anything quite as green and sparkling. The place we found ourselves was quite the opposite. The train tracks were easier to make out, at least, as was the platform. The tunnel had less air than the others and much like the caves that came before it the station was dusty. A lonely ticket machine stood on the platform. There was no use in checking for tickets as it had clearly been out of use for a long time.

  “All aboard,” Rob said as he jumped onto platform.

  No one so much as smiled as we were all too tired. I began looking for the way out of the platform and up to the daylight. I missed daylight a lot.

  It didn't take me long to spot the odd figure that was slumped by the side of the old ticket machine. The light from a small lamp he had in his hand made an unusual silhouette. From the neck down the he was thin, very thin. However what was most noticeable was his head which was quite clearly that of an elephant. His trunk came down to his shoulders, his ears were twitching, and his eyes were a cold black.

  By his side were empty crisp packets in every brand and of every flavour you could imagine. He sat on a mountain of crisp packets on a dirty old towel wearing a dirty brown coat. The elephant man could easily be mistaken as a homeless guy if you couldn't see his head.

  As we met the elephant was picking up crisps with his trunk and placing them into his mouth crunching every one of them loudly. His teeth were a dirty yellow colour. He hummed away to himself until he saw us all standing in front of him. His beady black eyes then looked for a way out but he gave up quickly understanding that he was trapped and we were blocking every escape route. I scanned the faces of the group. None of them seemed to know where to begin. So I spoke to the odd figure first.

  “We got told you know the way back to the surface.”

  “Who or what are you?” The elephant man asked. “I haven't seen people like you around here before.”

  “We are people, well young people.” Madeline replied.

  “The Duchess has sent you I bet. I never did anything wrong to her I tell you. Just not classified.”

  “Classified how?” I asked.

  “The Duchess likes to classify people. She likes the Bears mainly. All of them up there.” He gestured above his head while opening another bag of crisps. These were salt and vinegar and the strong smell wafted outwards.

  “Up there they all look like bears. As you can see I do not. Am not rather.” He corrected himself before going back to his crisps.

  “We are not with the Duchess,” Madeline assured. “We don't look like bears so I’m pretty sure she will disapprove of us too.”

  “Then your one of his elves aren’t you? Where is he then? Where is Santa?”

  Simon looked like he was about to blow his top.

  “Listen we are NOTHING to do with the Duchess and definitely NOT Santa.”

  “Would it be so bad if we knew Santa?” Madeline asked.

  The elephant man looked at her as though she had asked the silliest question in the world.

  The depressed looking elephant calmed a little. He was the result, it appeared, of Duchess Lillian's disapproval. He looked so sad with his many packets of crisps. I hoped this was not a glimpse into our own future if we remained on the run from the disapproving Duchess and couldn't find our way home. Simon was looking about beaten and truthfully I think we all were. That morning all we worried about was getting up for school. Now we were lost underground, talking to seagulls and elephant men, all the while on the run from a disapproving Duchess.

  “You live down here?” I asked.

  “I do yeah.” The elephant man moved over slightly on his blanket making room for us. We sat down by his surprisingly warm lantern.

  “The Duchess didn't approve of me. People she disapproves off usually disappear. She thinks I have gone. Though I haven’t, I live here underground, it's not much but it's safe and snug. Nobody comes down here any more.”

  “Well you say that,” Rob interrupted. Everyone's eyes were now on Rob. Including a very nervous looking elephant man.

  “We all saw that seagull.”

  The elephant man looked on edge.

  “In fact it was the seagull that told us to find you.”

  The Elephant man shook Rob's shoulders violently.

  “You silly boy!” He yelled. “You silly, silly boy!”

  “It was quite a way back. Maybe a few miles” I said trying to calm the panic.

  The elephant man opened up a bag he had with him. There was a hand held device that looked a little like a game console. Though this device seemed to be powered through the elephant trunk winding a leaver. The screen contained nothing but static. The wavy type you used to get on old televisions.

  “Blasted signal.” he said moving his head in a different direction.

  “My ears can pick up signals. Every kind of signal,” he explained.

  “Each of us get one of these devices so we can show others what we are picking up.”

  The black and white screen still only showed static.

  “The seagull you spoke to was no doubt part of the seagull army. All the seagulls around here are.”

  I wanted to reassure the elephant man, who was looking more and more nervous about us being there, that we'd find our way back and that he too would be fine. Sadly for me Rob didn't know that now really was one of those times it was better to keep his mouth shut.

  “Yeah that's the guy. Seagull Army Number Fifteen.”

  “That's a high rank. There are thousands of them. I bet they were down here looking for me.”

  “Are there any others that the Duchess disproves off?” I asked.

  I was well equipped with enough fairy tales to know that you have more chance of coming out on the winning end if you have some back up.

  “Many, but none that stuck around, apart from Edward. Edward though is different. He's a crook, a scavenger.”

  “You can say that again! He stole my money!” Rob's anger was clearly returning.

  “I don't doubt it. Ted is the best thief that ever lived and he has lived a very long time.”

  The machine began to buzz and we all looked round at it. He grunted angrily and began manically twitching his ears. Then on the screen we were looking at the Duchess. She was an elderly lady. Very clean but with cruel looking eyes. Her grey hair was permed and she wore a cardigan. When she spoke she sounded doddery. Like she was a sweet old lady rather than someone to fear.

  “Where are my glasses?” She asked looking to both her sides. A moment later a seagull pecked the glasses into place on her forehead.

  “Much better. Good evening everybody.”

  The elephant man stood and gestured for us to do the same.

  “She likes everyone to stand when she speaks. If the Seagulls see you not standing when she speaks they report you.”

  “This is ridiculous,” Simon replied. But no matter what he thought he was standing.

  “You will be glad to know that the Seagull Army have come closer today to finding the elephant man. I also have to let you all know that he is not alone. He is with four non-bears.”

  The screen showed drawings that looked a little like each of us.

  “Great we're on TV,” Rob pointed. He shut up the moment he saw our stares. The television continued.

  “These people are unclassified by myself. I strongly advise them to give themselves up for classification. Until they do consider them dangerous.”

  At this point the elephant man moved his head to sneeze and the television screen returned to static.

  “I can't see how we could be dangerous,” I said.

  “Your unclassified, different. You have different ideas, a different way of thinking, to the Duchess you are very dangerous indeed.” The elephan
t man said as he walked to the end of the platform.

  Then he opened a hatch I had not seen. It was camouflaged to look like the rock at the top of the cave. Once the latch was open a few faint rays of daylight began to trickle through.

  “I assume by the fact that you got through the caves alive you already know that down is not always down and up is not always up.”

  I nodded as he brought down an old wooden ladder.

  “You need to go up then take a right then a left and then a forty and a thirty.”

  “How do you mean a forty and a thirty?” Rob asked.

  “The degree you need to turn to. Once you're at the right degree from North ,which here is South West, feel round the wall and you will find a latch. Remove the latch and crawl through. That will take you back to the overground.”

  I looked up the ladder that led up into the rock and to a right hand turn.

  “If you set off now,” The elephant man continued, “you may be there before nightfall.”

  We thanked him and made for the ladder. Rob went first, then I followed, then Simon with Madeline last. After the right turn Rob called for us to look out. Although it looked like we were on a straight flat surface the super sized multi bag of crisps fell down the shoot. The elephant man's meals for the next few weeks I guess.