Promise to Obey

by Whitelaw, Stella

  Raspberry chiffon. It was a dream dress, casual, elegant. All memories of the strident red dress were washed away into oblivion.

  ‘It’s perfect,’ she whispered, holding the dress to her face, breathing in the fragrance of the material.

  The dress fitted because it was loose and unsculptured. No safety pins necessary. Jessica had some spiky heeled sandals with light coloured straps and a small handbag as a perfect accessory.

  Her hands were shaking as she finished her make-up. She had pinned her hair up in a crazy arrangement with tendrils falling round her face. Nothing in her scant wardrobe was suitable to wear as a coat. She would have to freeze in the car, whatever the weather. No top down tonight, she hoped.

  She went out onto the landing. Both young monkeys were still up, aware that something special was going on. Lily’s eyes lit up with amazement at Jessica’s appearance, the lovely dress, the high heels, the immaculate make-up.

  ‘You look like a princess, Willdo,’ she breathed. ‘So beautiful. A fairy princess.’

  ‘Maybe I’m going out with a prince,’ said Jessica with a wink.

  ‘She does indeed look like a princess, but he’s not a real prince,’ said Lucas. He was coming up the stairs, and drinking in how lovely she looked. The dress was perfect on her, the folds clinging to her slender figure, her slim ankles in the high heels, strands of tawny hair in disarray. How he longed to let his fingers disarray her hair even more, to crush her to him. Though Jessica smiled at him, she was keeping her usual distance.

  ‘Thank you,’ she said. ‘The dress is a dream.’ She didn’t add that the evening was a dream coming true.

  ‘You’re going to be stone cold in that slip of a dress,’ said Lady Grace, peering from her doorway. Her curiosity had got the better of her. ‘Not much of a top; doesn’t cover much. Haven’t you got a proper coat, girl?’

  Jessica shook her head. ‘Nothing suitable, more’s the pity. An anorak would certainly spoil the look.’

  ‘Ridiculous. Young women don’t know how to dress these days.’ She went back in her bedroom. ‘No sense at all.’

  ‘You look beautiful,’ said Lucas, taking her hand. ‘Are you ready? Shall we go now? The car is outside.’

  Lily was in her pyjamas and confronted her father, arms akimbo, Floppy Ears under threat of being strangled. ‘Is this a date?’ she asked suspiciously.

  ‘Yes, I suppose you could call it a date,’ said Lucas, hiding a wicked grin.

  ‘Are you going to bring Willdo back? You’ve never brought your other dates back. None of them ever came again.’

  Jessica looked at Lucas. What a revelation from his small daughter. He was wearing slim black trousers, an open-necked black silk shirt and white jacket. She had never seen him look so immaculate. Even his unruly hair had seen a comb. He had made an effort, for her sake. All that extra clothes shopping. It must have taken him at least half an hour.

  Jessica hugged the little girl. ‘Of course I’m coming back, sweetheart,’ she said. ‘It’s Daniel’s birthday tomorrow, isn’t it? I wouldn’t miss that for the world.’

  Lady Grace came out of her bedroom. She had a silvery pashmina in her hands. ‘You’d better borrow this shawl of mine before you catch your death,’ she said, grumpily. ‘Mind, I want it back.’

  ‘Thank you, Lady Grace,’ said Jessica. ‘That’s a very kind thought. It’s perfect. I’ll take great care of it.’

  ‘You can take Floppy Ears with you, if you like,’ said Lily, not to be outdone in the sacrifice stakes. ‘He could keep you company.’

  ‘That’s very kind as well,’ said Jessica. ‘But I think it’s past his bedtime. We don’t want him to be worn out for tomorrow.’

  Lily looked relieved and held up her face for a kiss.

  ‘Goodnight, Willdo. Have a lovely date.’

  ‘Goodnight, sweetheart. Goodnight, Daniel.’

  ‘Night,’ he said.

  The King’s restaurant of the Grand Hotel, Brighton, was their destination. Jessica felt like a celebrity with the graceful dress swishing around her, her heels sinking into the deep carpet as they walked through reception. The great green carpeted staircase swept upwards, round and round, to all the floors above.

  ‘One hundred and twenty-three steps apparently,’ Lucas whispered, as they were ushered towards the restaurant. ‘It also has the first mechanical elevator ever in a hotel. Do you want to try it?’

  ‘No, thank you.’

  The restaurant was grand indeed. Slender pillars in red marble held up the ornate ceiling. Tall windows were draped in pale green damask. Chandeliers shed twinkling light in every direction. Beautiful pieces of antique furniture around the room. It was sedate and impressive.

  As Lucas promised, they had a table by a window. There was hardly much of a sea view at night, but the road was lit with strings of lights, luminous waves washed the shore in the distance. They could be in fairyland.

  ‘Does this feel very strange?’ Lucas asked. ‘We’ve never done this before. Life has been so busy, there has never been time for the two of us.’

  ‘Very strange,’ said Jessica. ‘Not real at all. I’m not used to seeing you looked so smart and….’ she paused, lost for the word. She didn’t know what to say. ‘Sophisticated.’

  ‘I know,’ he said, as he pulled out the chair for her to sit down, beating the waiter to the duty. ‘I’m usually shredded, unkempt, dead tired and useless in the conversation stakes. But tonight is going to be totally different. We are going to have a civilized meal. Put the world to rights.’

  The table was laid with a starched white linen cloth, gleaming silverware, glistening glasses, a vase with real red roses. Nothing like meals in the kitchen or supper in the dining room, trays in the library. This wasn’t real life but she was prepared to enjoy it for one evening.

  ‘How come you have the evening off?’ Jessica asked, as the waiter shook and spread the linen napkin over her lap. As if she couldn’t do it herself.

  ‘Lots of arm twisting. I’ve lost count of how many days I’m owed, holiday time that I haven’t taken. It’s never possible. There’s always someone who needs my assistance.’

  ‘How do you fit in time with Daniel and Lily, when you haven’t got anyone to help?’

  ‘I’ve always spent as much time as possible with both of them. I used to drive back from East Grinstead to spend some afternoon or evening time with them, and then drive back to the hospital when they had gone to sleep. It’s been marvellous having you with them this last month, knowing they are happy with you and that I am not needed so much.’

  ‘Are they happy with me?’

  ‘Jessica, I’ve never seen them so happy. As I am, believe me. I’ve never been so happy. You have brought joy to my family, and to me.’

  A warm feeling swept over Jessica. Lucas meant what he was saying. He was looking at her with intense awareness, as if he never wanted to stop looking. He was devouring her with his eyes. They could have been alone in the big room.

  The waiter planted leather-bound, book-size menus in front of them. They would take half an hour to read. Jessica looked at Lucas over the top of her menu, her eyes twinkling.

  ‘Supposing I ordered a tuna and iceberg sandwich?’

  ‘The chef would have a fit. I should have to go into the kitchen to resuscitate. Start reading the small print.’

  Jessica ordered a Waldorf salad, which she knew would be delicious, followed by lemon sole cooked in some special way and served with a selection of locally grown tender vegetables. Lucas went for heartier food, a steak. But she knew that the wine he ordered would be perfect. He knew his wines. She wouldn’t look at his meal, pretend it wasn’t there on his plate.

  Their starters were both quickly served and devoured.

  The lemon sole was served with style, a portrait on a plate. ‘I am emptying the sea,’ said Jessica, looking at the poor fish.

  ‘But you couldn’t have stopped it happening.’

  ‘They say that even fish f
eel pain.’

  ‘I read a paper about that, too. The cerebral cortex of their brain actually registers pain.’

  ‘Perhaps I ought to have a cheese sandwich after all.’

  Lucas leaned forward and put his hand over hers, his thumb gently rubbing her finger. ‘My dearest young woman, you can’t put this crazy world to rights with one sandwich.’

  A waiter lit a candle on their table and the soft light was perfect. Lucas’s dark features were a series of contours, slanted, long lashed, strong jaw jutting, eyes gleaming. The tension melted between them.

  Jessica felt herself trembling. She knew that she would always love him, even if they parted at the end of her contract. It could happen. She would go to Sheffield Hospital, take up her duties, try to forget him. But she would always keep in touch with Lily and Daniel. They were part of her life now. There was no way she could walk away from them, what ever happened.

  It was the same with Lucas. The candlelight was perfect for Jessica. She looked so beautiful in the soft raspberry dress, her shoulders bare and enticing, her skin luminous. She had no idea how tempting she looked.

  If only he could make her believe that his wife’s accident was in the past. That the hurt and pain was all over. His wife had left him for another man and that was more hurtful than the dreadful accident. Lucas longed for Jessica to believe him, to let him love her as he wanted to. It was like a fine flame invading his brain.

  Neither could say the right words. Time was suspended in the air. The evening was full of light and laughter. They looked at each other and longed for each other’s touch, never saying what they should say. Letting the time tick by with measured strokes.

  They chose raspberries and cream. There was no question. It was the only dessert for them both. Lucas despaired of the time passing and he had not even begun to say what he wanted to say. Why were words so difficult? He was like his son, Daniel, unable to find the right words.

  ‘I’m like Daniel sometimes,’ he said suddenly. ‘I can’t find the right words to say, even when I know they are inside me.’

  Jessica caught her breath. She wanted the words to come.

  A wave of seagulls flew passed the window like pale ghosts, wheeling and dealing in the thermal air. The sky was the colour of dark slate, the moon lost behind shifting clouds.

  ‘It happens to all of us,’ said Jessica, slowly. ‘We are out of touch with words. We are scared of words. It’s today’s mania for computers and games consoles and texting.’

  It was coffee time already before Lucas forced himself to say what he wanted to say. He saw the time and panicked. He forced himself to speak.

  ‘Jessica, we have to get this right between us,’ he said. ‘We need to get this sorted out. You have been so marvellous with Daniel and Lily. I could not have wished for someone who has taken more care of them, who understands them so well. And Lady Grace, what can I say? Somehow you know how to deal with her and she likes you. She actually likes you. It’s a miracle!’

  ‘She likes arguing with me,’ said Jessica. ‘It sharpens her mind.’

  ‘At some point, when I was totally stupid and inept, I asked you to marry me. And you said no. Quite rightly, you refused me. I was being a complete idiot and yet if I had said what was really in my heart, your answer might have been quite different.’

  Lucas wasn’t making any sense, yet she wanted him to go on. She was still mesmerized by the sweetness of his voice. She was recognizing the honesty of every word he said. They were basking in the wonder of being together. She could not bear the thought of losing him. There were no halves, only wholes. She would give him her all, without thought, without reservation.

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘When I saw you there, standing in the pouring rain outside Eastly Station, it was as if I had been hit by a thunder bolt. You bowled me over. Your beautiful blue eyes spat fire at me. Yes, that was it. Fire and ice. You were the fire, and yet you were frozen. That was the ice. I hardly knew what I was saying. I knew that you were the only woman in the world for me.’

  ‘I don’t think you know what you are saying now,’ said Jessica, stirring what was left of raspberry juice into the cream. It was a satisfactory pink. She dare not look at him, in case his eyes contradicted his words.

  ‘What I am trying to say is that I fell in love with you then, that very first moment, and I have loved you ever since. I’ve been waiting for you to fall in love with me. Is that so impossible? Even though I have made lots of mistakes, and said all the wrong things. I want to know. Could you ever begin to love me?’

  Jessica’s knew she was trembling. She could barely look at Lucas. They were both so careful and guarded. It was like music that never stopped. She couldn’t answer his question without giving away all her thoughts and feelings.

  ‘When you asked me to marry you, I knew it was impossible, because I wanted to marry a man who loved me, the real me. You only wanted me for the children’s sakes, and for your mother. You even said that you would take your pleasures elsewhere. That’s what you said.’

  Lucas sighed. ‘That was tactless of me and I don’t know what I meant. It was unintentionally cruel. I think I meant that I wouldn’t force you into anything you didn’t want. Our pleasure together would come later as we grew closer. I knew the moment the words came out, that I had said it the wrong way. The only woman I really want is you. Jessica Harlow, I want you as my wife, my lover, my sweetheart for the rest of my life. I love you and I always have, since that very first moment in the rain.’

  The waiter hovered with coffee refills but had the sense to fade back into the shadows. He could feel the surge of emotion eddying round the table, strong enough to blow out the candle. The man and the woman were wrapped in a trance. The coffee could wait.

  ‘You love me?’ Jessica whispered, hardly daring to voice the words. ‘You really do? You always have?’

  ‘Dear heart, how am I going to make you believe me?’ said Lucas, reaching into his pocket. ‘I wonder if this will help you.’

  He brought out a small dark-navy leather box and pressed open the lid, turning it to face Jessica. ‘Jessica Harlow, will you do me the honour of becoming my wife? I will love and honour you, but I can’t promise to obey.’

  Jessica felt the world spinning round her. Lucas loved her. She saw the warmth in his eyes and the apprehension. He was not sure of her. Yet she loved him and need not hide her love any more.

  ‘And I love you, Lucas,’ she breathed. ‘I really do and I always will. It happened ages ago. I fell in love with you, not meaning to but it happened. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to share in everything that you do, and the crazy way you live, those dreadful hours you work. I want to wait up till you come home, scrub your weary back. To help make life easier for you, if I can. Yes, I will marry you. I love you so much.’

  He was looking at her with such tenderness, her heart went into a spiral. Nothing else in the world mattered at that moment. He touched her chin with a fingertip. His surgeon’s fingers were so light, so delicate.

  ‘I can’t believe it, you’ve agreed, at last. My sweet one, my darling. Just you being with me will make life easier,’ said Lucas earnestly. ‘To know that you are at home, waiting for me, ready to take me into your bed. You will take me into your bed, won’t you, Jessica?’

  ‘I think we might need a bigger bed,’ Jessica murmured, her coffee growing cold. ‘We are both rather tall.’

  ‘It’ll be the first purchase for our home together,’ Lucas promised. He moved the opened box closer to Jessica. She looked down at it for the first time. ‘Do you like it?’

  It was a ring, nestling in white satin. The sapphire winked at her from among a circle of diamonds. It was a magnificent ring.

  ‘It’s beautiful,’ Jessica breathed.

  ‘A beautiful ring for a beautiful woman. Sapphire to match your eyes. Will you wear it for me, Jessica?’

  She slipped it on the ring finger of her left han
d. It fitted perfectly. Surgeon’s eyes or a lucky guess? The diamonds flashed in the light from the chandelier above and the flickering candle flame on their table.

  The head waiter nodded across the room. Another waiter disappeared and returned almost immediately with a bottle of Dom Perignon champagne, wrapped in white linen. He took it over to their table and bowed.

  ‘With the compliments of the management,’ he said. ‘And may we offer our congratulations to you both, with best wishes for your future happiness.’

  He opened the champagne and the cork flew across the room with a sharp, dizzy burst of fine spray. He poured the champagne into tall crystal flutes, the tiny bubbles rising to the rims.

  ‘To you, my darling,’ said Lucas.

  ‘To us,’ said Jessica, smiling.

  They were very late driving back to Upton Hall so it was already Daniel’s birthday morning. They could not stop laughing or holding hands, touching each other, to make sure that the evening was still real. They did not want it ever to end.

  They went reluctantly to their own bedrooms. His goodnight kiss sent her pulses racing. They clung to each other, arms wrapped in a close embrace, their lips warm and seeking. Jessica had never felt this hunger for any man before. It was lust and liking and loving.

  ‘We’ll wait,’ he said quietly, on the landing. ‘We are both too tired and had little sleep last night.’

  ‘We could just sleep,’ said Jessica tremulously.

  ‘I could never just sleep with you. The temptation would be beyond my mortal body. I should want you so much. You would have to fight me off. But we will marry, very soon? Do you agree?’

  ‘Very soon,’ said Jessica, every nerve in her body clamouring for him. His arms were still round her and she could smell the manliness of his skin.