Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  Following Jazz, I can’t help but laugh at her animated face while she takes in the two-bedroom apartment that’s in the same complex as Jax. When we went over last week Jax mentioned how a place was available and he had set this appointment up for Jazz to take a look. I’m very happy with this idea. Neither one of us likes the idea of her being alone at the dorm after the incident with Tru a few weeks ago, so I’m glad she’ll be close to them, even though she’ll be farther away from me.

  I round the corner to the master bath and chuckle when I see Jazz lying back relaxing in the empty Jacuzzi tub. I shake off the vision of her naked flesh immersed in water that flashes in my mind and sit on the edge of the tub. “What are you doing?”

  “I’m checking the size of the tub. Duh! I want to make sure it’s deep enough.”

  She’s so small I’m sure the sink is deep enough for her. “Jazz, the bottom will be like an abyss if you fill this thing all the way up. I might have to invest in a life jacket for you.”

  “Ha ha, rude ass.” She swats my shoulder and starts to stand. “I’ll have you know there are actually a few people smaller than me.”

  “Like who? Cohen doesn’t count either.” I dodge her fist and go into the master bedroom. I notice there is only one way to arrange your furniture with the way the outlets sit on the walls. It’s nice, though. Way nicer than my mom’s place. We walk around and I listen to all her plans for each room. She wants to make the second room the nursery, and while she tells me about how she’ll place the furniture, I lean against the doorframe and watch her every move. The way she talks with her hands or how she’ll occasionally run her fingers through her hair are things I’ve always loved. She’s so full of life and spunk and can light up the darkest room when she walks in.

  She turns toward me and bites the inside of her cheek. “So, I’ve been wanting to ask you something and I’m not sure what your reaction will be. Just know with this arrangement you’re not obligated to do anything. Okay?”

  Nodding my head, I walk to stand in front of her. “What?”

  She looks up and bites her lip, and my eyes focus on her wet, pink tongue that sticks out for just a second. “Will you go with me to the doctor Tuesday? It’s my second visit and I really hate going alone.”

  Smiling down at her, I feel relief course through me. The more time we’re together, the more accepting she’s become about us. This is a huge deal to me. “Of course I will.”

  After the lease is signed and down payment is paid, Jazz takes me back to my mom’s. I have to watch Grace and finish studying for finals this week. I’m not too worried, though. I have A’s in all my courses so I know I’ll pass even if I flunk the finals, but I do need to keep my grades up for my scholarship.

  It’s the only reason I was able to attend college, and even though the University of South Alabama wasn’t my first choice, but I knew I had to stay close to my mom and sister in Mobile. I’m lucky to have a well known university close by instead of just a community college. But even if I only had a two-year college available I would have went. I’m not one hundred percent sure of what I want to do yet, but I’m leaning toward biochemical engineering. I also love anything technical. To make extra cash I work on computers and hard drives for anyone who asks. I even do some formatting as well as fake IDs, but Mom doesn’t know about that job. I guess you could call me a hacker, but I refuse to change people’s grades in the system or hack into a bank like they do in those movies that give kids like me a bad name.

  The whole way back Jazz is going on and on about her apartment and I’m happy for her. When we pull up, I hate saying goodbye—like always—so I decide to invite her up to meet my mom.

  “Um, I don’t know, Mason. Does she believe I’m pregnant with her grandchild?”

  “Yeah. I didn’t tell her until after you told Tru. I hope that’s okay?” Mom definitely wasn’t happy about the news, but she knows me. I take care of what’s mine.

  “Can we do it another night? When I’m more prepared. Plus, I’m sure your mom’s getting ready for work and would like a heads up before company comes over.”

  Even though I’m disappointed, I agree. “Yeah. I’ll check her schedule and we’ll plan something.” I open the door to the apartment building and turn in her direction. “I’ll see you Tuesday.”

  I watch her pull away and walk up the concrete steps. When I get ready to unlock the door I hear the door across the breezeway squeak open. Turning, I see Chanda with her pack of Marlboro cigarettes. “Hey, Chanda.”

  “Hey, Mason. You watching Grace tonight?” She lights her cigarette and takes a deep drag while she watches me with her golden eyes.

  Eyes that I used to think I loved when I was younger. We grew up together when I moved to Mobile with Mom all those years ago. She was into the same stuff as me and my friends: games, comics, and skating. Since she was my very first friend, we had a special bond. That bond broke after my heart did. When I found out through a friend that she was sleeping with his older brother, I lost all respect. I have never been the guy to get a girl, so when a girl like Chanda kisses you like she owns you, you fall hard. After she admitted to dating this other guy she ended up dropping out of school and left town with him and his band. She eventually came home after a while and rock star is nowhere to be found. Go figure. Now she lives with her dad and works at the local diner with my mom.

  “Yeah. Mom’s working the register tonight.” My mom works two jobs to stay afloat: waitressing with Chanda and working the register at a truck stop gas station. I made her buy a gun last Christmas and take a few shooting lessons because she was robbed before. I hate that she works so hard and give her all I can. One day I’ll let her quit and she can focus on herself for once. That’s my plan anyway.

  “I saw your girlfriend drop you off.” She inhales another drag and I just watch as the smoke rises around her thin face.

  “She’s not my girlfriend,” I state and immediately regret it.

  “Then what are you two? Your mom told me she’s pregnant with your kid.”

  “We’re friends,” I say, because it’s true. “Things happened and now we’re having a baby together.” I shrug and turn around again toward the door, ready to end the conversation. “See you later.” I don’t look back and just walk inside to release a breath. I hope Chanda keeps her nosy self out of my business. She loves to gossip and spread lies. My mom thinks everything she says is true too, and I really don’t need her spitting stories about Jazz.

  I throw my truck keys on the scratched coffee table and walk down the hall. “Mom?” I reach Grace’s door and knock. No answer, so I crack it open. The light is off and it’s empty. Then I hear familiar laughter coming from Mom’s bedroom and head in that direction.

  After I knock and get the okay, I walk in and see Grace sitting on Mom’s full size bed that sits against the worn, bare wall. She’s rocking back and forth looking at an antique hand held mirror that was our grandmother’s. “What’s so funny, baby girl?” I ask while kneeling down to get at her level.

  She continues to giggle and then I see why. “Oh. You got into Mommy’s makeup again, huh?” I can’t help but laugh myself. Her happy, cherub face is covered in pink blush everywhere except her cheeks, and red lipstick is smeared around her lips.

  Mom turns and gives me a tired but genuine smile while putting in an earring. “Sorry, Mason. She’s already had a bath so you just need to wash her face later.” She looks at her watch. “Shit, I need to get going.” She walks over and gives Grace and me a kiss goodbye.

  “Keys are on the coffee table,” I yell as she rushes out the bedroom door. Her car is still in the shop so I let her borrow mine when she needs it. Chanda will take her if they work the same shift. “Love you, Mom.”

  ”Love you too.” I hear the door slam and turn toward Grace, who continues to look at her reflection in the mirror.

  “Well, beautiful, it’s just you and me tonight. Want to walk down to the playground?” This of course gets her even m
ore excited because she loves to swing. I can’t help the image that unfolds in my mind of Jazz and I walking hand in hand to the playground with our baby and Grace.

  Glancing around Dr. Parnell’s office, I see women in all different stages of their pregnancy. Most of them are with their significant other, while I sit here and wait for Mason to show. He had a final in one of his classes and said he’d meet me here. I really wish he’d hurry. Whenever someone’s eyes meet mine I feel like a sign is on my head that says “stupid girl who slept with teacher.” I sit here alone trying to build my guard up again, but here in this top-of-the-line office with Mobile’s debutantes and socialites, my situation pushes down on me. As I glance through the latest Cosmopolitan I feel scared and alone.

  Then relief flows through me like a river when I hear his voice asking the receptionist if I’ve been called back. I look up and smile at him. “Over here.”

  He looks in my direction and returns my smile. As he comes my way, I get the same glimpse of the Mason I saw on Thanksgiving and feel my face become heated. Shaking it off, I return to my article and blame it on my nerves.

  “Sorry I’m late. I went as fast as I could.” He sits beside me on the black and white striped couch.

  I look up and see him glancing at the gossip article that sits in my lap that I haven’t been paying attention to. “It’s okay. I told you the other day you didn’t have to come. I would’ve been fine by myself.” But lonely. I don’t say those words out loud. In fact, I didn’t mean to think them either.

  Shrugging it off even though I do feel deeply grateful, I close my current magazine and point to another. “Will you pass me that one?” Before he passes me the magazine, I hear the nurse call my name. I stand up while Mason just sits there looking like his usual cute and awkward self. “You coming?”

  “You sure you want me back there?” He stands and follows me to the back.

  Laughing because he’s so cute, I grab his hand as my answer. After I pee in a cup, I go to the exam room where Mason is waiting. Sitting on the exam table, I try to get comfortable but it’s not going to happen. I hate the noisy tissue paper I’m sitting on because it feels so impersonal, or maybe it just reminds me of all my past doctors visits and why I wasn’t “normal.” I see the ultrasound machine in the corner and cringe. I hope I don’t get that thing up my woo-hoo again.

  “What’s that face for?” Mason sits relaxed in the chair, watching me intently.

  “Oh nothing.” I shrug my shoulders. I really don’t want to tell him about how embarrassing that was for me. However, he’s relentless when he wants something and continues to ask me. “Fine.” I walk over to the machine and pick up the wand. “Because at my first appointment they stuck this thing up my va-jayjay.”

  Of course Dr. Parnell walks in while I hold the culprit in my hand and point it in the air like Excalibur. I just smile and place it back in the holder before I go sit back down while Mason turns ten shades of red.

  “Sorry, Doctor Parnell,” I say meekly and smile. Glancing at Mason, I see the continued embarrassment as he reveals his cute dimples. I stick my tongue out at him like a two-year-old, but I don’t care

  “Jasmine. It’s okay.” She takes her seat and introduces herself to Mason. “I’m glad to meet you and congratulations on becoming a father.” He nods, becoming shy again while she returns her attention to me. “So how are you feeling?”

  “Good, besides the nausea and needing to carry a bag everywhere I go.”

  “That’s pretty normal, but it should ease up soon since you’re almost out of the first trimester.” She lays me back and palpates my stomach. My dad taught me a few things growing up and palpate is one of them. “How’s your breathing?”

  I glance at Mason with wide eyes. We’ve never discussed my medical issues before. I like the fact that he doesn’t look at me like I’ll break. “F—fine. No problems.”

  “Good. Just keep a close eye on it. You know what the signs are I’m sure.” She turns around and grabs a small square box with a microphone-looking thing on it.

  “What’s that for?” Mason stands and asks the question that I’m dreading. He grabs my hand and I feel better knowing he’s there.

  “Oh. This won’t hurt at all. It’s a doppler we use to hear the baby’s heartbeat. Now unzip and pull down your pants.” The excitement of hearing my peanut’s heartbeat has me not thinking and I instantly do as she says, baring it all above my pubic bone. Then I hear a swift inhale and glance up to find a red faced Mason staring at my midriff and belly button ring. He licks his lips before bringing his focus to my face. I watch as he turns into sexy Mason again. Wowzers! His nostrils flare with each breath, and I feel dizzy and warm all at once. I want to breathe the air that he lets flow out of his mouth, and I want him to do the same to me.

  Before I can act on my horny thoughts, I jump from a loud grating noise. As it gets louder it sounds more like a galloping horse or a stampede of rhinos coming our way.

  “What’s that? Oh wow! Is that the baby’s heartbeat?” Smiling, I glance back up at Mason who’s also smiling down at me.

  “Yes it is. And it sounds really strong and healthy.” After a few seconds of listening, she removes the microphone and wipes the gel off of my stomach. I don’t even remember her putting in on.

  “Now get dressed and take this ticket to the front. They’ll make your follow-up appointment.” She turns toward Mason and sticks out her hand. “Again, I am so glad to meet you.”

  Mason politely shakes it. “You too.”

  “Oh, and Jasmine …” She waits for me to turn in her direction after I’m done buttoning my jeans. “Don’t wear yourself out, okay? Take it easy and call if you need anything.”

  I can only nod in agreement. I hope Mason doesn’t ask what she’s blabbering about because I have no clue what to tell him. After she exits the room, we head out and make a four week follow-up. I can still hear the galloping sound of my baby’s heart in my head and can’t help but feel excitement hum under my skin.

  “Well that was pretty cool.” I turn in Mason’s direction when he speaks. “Want to go grab some food or something?” he asks with his hands stuffed in his jean pockets and a nervous look on his face. At least it’s not the same one that had me almost pulling his face down to mine so I could taste him. This is the Mason I’ve come to know and care for.

  I look at my phone for the time and see it’s getting late, plus I really need to get my hormonal ass straight before I cross the line with him. I’ve sworn off relationships since Halloween and I really don’t want to ruin this thing between us. Whatever it is. “No. I really need to get back. I have my last final Thursday and a ton of laundry to do. Sorry.” I hate statistics just as much as folding clothes. I usually try and find a way out of both, but not this time. This time I need to stick to my plan. I really need to study for that stupid exam if I want to pass.

  I see the disappointment and feel like total shit, if shit is an emotion. “Okay. I need to get to my mom’s anyway.” He turns to leave and walks to his truck parked a few spaces from mine. “See ya.”

  OMG! I feel like such a bitch. He has been there for me when no one else has. The least I can do is get a bite to eat with him. Before he gets in his truck, I finally settle my internal argument and call his name. When he turns around I smile.

  “Could you help me study while we eat pizza?” I watch his dimples appear while he nods his head. The sun catches his green eyes. Oh sweet baby Jesus. I have a feeling I’m in trouble.

  After I go back to my dorm for my books, I head toward Mason’s mom’s apartment. Parking my car, I notice his truck is nowhere to be seen so I shoot him a quick text.

  Mason: Still waiting on food. Gonna be few min. Go inside & wait 4 me.

  Me: No. I’ll w8 here. I really don’t feel like meeting a stranger alone. Especially one that might want to kill me.

  Mason: Go inside. Apartment B2. My mom wants 2 meet u & is expecting u.

  Me: Is she gonna kill me
? I can practically see his face smile from reading that.

  Mason: Def. not. Don’t be a chickenshit. GO!

  Me: Fine! I’m giving you the bird, asshole. And I totally am, while in my head I’m thinking about my game plan for survival.

  He doesn’t respond back, but I don’t care. After I grab my bag, I slowly head up the front steps. The sound of children laughing reaches my ears. I hear someone across the way holler “hey, baby,” but continue to ignore their lewd gestures as I ascend the stairs. Due to my freaky super spidey sense of smell, I feel my stomach start to turn when I’m assaulted by cigarette smoke and cheap perfume. I cover my mouth before I up-chuck all over the place and make a horrible first impression.

  “These bother you?” I turn and see the girl from the other night standing there holding up her cancer stick with a smirk on her narrow face. She must be going to work because she’s wearing a light blue button down blouse with white strips. It has the logo for The Waffle House on the sleeves and a name tag that reads Chanda. “Sorry,” she says and takes another drag with absolutely no sincerity in her voice.

  I feel too nauseous to argue so I turn and knock on Mason’s door, trying to avoid breathing. “He’s not home yet, you know. He usually comes by my place after school anyways to hang out. And I haven’t seen him.”

  Breathing in deep when I feel a slight winter breeze, I look at her. “Well, I just left him and he’s on his way here to meet me. We had a doctor’s appointment.” I reach down and caress my stomach. I don’t know why I’m trying to piss this girl off. I shouldn’t care if she likes Mason or if Mason likes her, but deep down I do. I tell myself it’s because I don’t like her and he can do way better. I watch her eyes squint in anger and brace myself for some more trash talk. Before she can say anything, the door opens and Mason’s mom greets me. She’s a few inches taller than me, which is no surprise. Her dark, curly hair is in a tight bun. She stares down at me with blue eyes like Grace’s and a small beauty mark above her lip on the right side.