Learning to Heal

by Cole, R. D.

  I smile my best smile even though I still feel sick from the breeze blowing the rancid smell of smoke my way. “Hello, Ms. Reed. I’m Jasmine.”

  “Hello, Jasmine. Come on in. And call me Brenda.” She looks over my shoulder. “Chanda, I’ll be ready to leave in five minutes. I promise.”

  We walk inside and I take in my surroundings. To the right is the living area with only a small TV on a cabinet and a worn brown couch that sits against the wall. The walls are a tan with an assortment of pictures of Mason and Grace posing at different ages. Mason was a gorgeous baby. I hope my child looks that cute. My eyes land on a quilt that is folded neatly across the top of the couch. Its bright colors hold my eyes hostage until I hear a scream.

  I jump and turn toward the sound. Grace sits on the floor with her legs crossed, rocking back and forth while hitting herself with her small fist. I walk toward her, not really sure what to do, but Mason’s mom just restarts a kid’s video. Grace stops her tantrum immediately to watch.

  “Sorry. That’s pretty normal here.” She walks to the kitchen table and pats a chair for me to come sit with her. “Now I hear that I’m going to be a Mimi. Believe me, I wasn’t happy. Babies are expensive, but regardless I’ll love him or her because they’re a part of my precious boy.” She gives me a small smile and gets up. “Are you thirsty? I have juice or sweet tea.”

  “No, ma’am. I am fine. But thank you.” I don’t see any weapons or body bags anywhere so I must be okay. Anyone who can raise someone like Mason has to be a special person.

  She sits again. “I know you’re different from Mason on all levels. But I hope this baby doesn’t do anything to jeopardize his schooling.”

  Confused, I ask, “Jeopardize how?”

  “I’m not trying to come off as mean, but you come from money. I can tell. And there’s nothing wrong with that. But we have to work for every penny we have. And Mason has always worked hard in school and helping me out. So what I mean is I don’t want him to back off of his studies. He’s on a scholarship that has strict rules if he wants to keep it. And I’m afraid with him playing house he’ll get his priorities mixed up.” She glances at the clock while I sit there speechless. “Crap, I have to get going. Will you be okay to watch Grace until Mason gets here? I hate asking and I know she’s different but I’ve been late a few times already and the boss is getting aggravated.”

  After a second I finally find my tongue. Out of nowhere I feel a need to gain her approval. “No, it’s fine. In fact my younger sister is in a wheelchair, so I’m sure I can manage.” My voice is small and shaky, and I notice my answer gains her attention. Instead of replying she says a quick goodbye and walks out the door. Once the door shuts I start to think of what I’m really getting into with Mason. Then guilt surfaces because of how this lie is not only affecting Mason and me, but everyone in our lives. I can’t help but ask myself if I’m really doing the right thing.

  Today is a busy day because I’m helping move Jazz into her new apartment. Unfortunately I had to bring Grace with me because Mom is working extra hours for Christmas money. She does this every year, and since classes just let out for winter break, I’m staying at her place instead of the frat house. I just hope Jazz doesn’t care that she’s here.

  When I pull up outside the dorm, I see David has already showed up with a few of the other frat brothers to help. Thank goodness because I’m sure Jazz has a shitload. I park and walk over to get Grace out before making our way toward everyone.

  “’Bout damn time, pussy. Thought you bailed.” David laughs with a few of the other guys, and I flip him off.

  “Chill with the language. Grace is here.” I give him a stern look and point to my sister, who’s beside me.

  “Oh shit. Sorry, dude.” He walks up the stairs and I follow behind shaking my head.

  After we finally reach Jazz’s room, I see that she has two more guys I recognize from the house. They are packing and wrapping everything she points out, most of which are shoes. I keep my eye on them because I know these two guys bring girls home on a regular basis. She seems to be ignorant to their stares and continues to tell them what to take and what to leave with her beautiful smile constantly on her face.

  I want to be the only one she smiles at, but I shake off these stupid caveman emotions and walk in, still holding Grace’s hand. I plaster a smile on before I speak. “Sorry I’m late but Mom had to work. I brought Grace too. I hope that’s okay.”

  She smiles and walks up to Grace and me. “Of course it’s okay.” She bends down in front of my sister to get to her level, which isn’t very hard for her. “Hi, sweetness.” She smiles and glances up toward me with her sky blue eyes shining. “I got you something the other day. I figured you might like it.” She stands and walks to her desk. When she comes back she has a pink, children’s keyboard that lights up with the music. Grace quickly lets go of my hand to get her hands on it, and I watch as Jazz leads her to sit on the bare mattress. I literally feel my heart squeeze as I fall more in love with her.

  David slaps my back and bends down to whisper in my ear, “Whipped.” He walks off to start carrying boxes downstairs. Turning around, I grab a box before following in his direction, desperate to not look so obvious.

  Later that day when all the boxes are unloaded at her new apartment and the new furniture is placed where she wants it, we take a break and eat pizza. I hate that it’s all we seem to eat, but she really enjoys it. Plus they have a soft pasta for Grace.

  Glancing at my sister, I see she’s asleep on the couch and I know I need to take her home. She’s used to a set pattern in her day, so being around different people and different places can be very chaotic for her. She had a few tantrums but settled when it was time to eat, and she eventually went to sleep. I finish my food and look at Jazz, whose beautiful face hasn’t stopped glowing today. “I think I need to get going and take Grace home.”

  “Aww really?” She stands up and throws her trash away. The guys left earlier so it’s just us and it’s really quiet. “She can lie on my bed. It will help break in the new mattress.” She smiles, unaware of the images of us breaking in the new mattress running through my head. Shit. I need a hand job or a cold shower soon because being this close to my infatuation, unable to touch her, is giving me permanent blue balls.

  I rub my hand over my face, debating. I really want to spend more time with her, but sometimes I get so worked up I think I’ll literally explode. “Um. Sure.” I go and lift Grace in my arms and carry her to Jazz’s room. I place her on the bed and turn around slamming into Jazz. “Shit, Jazz. Are you okay?” I steady her and touch her face, shoulders, and waist making sure she’s not injured.

  She just smiles up at me. “Yeah. I’m good. Sorry.”

  In that moment, with her looking up at me and my hands resting on her waist, my mind conjures images of her slim body and the sexy ass diamond belly ring that rests on her soft skin. I can feel my dick swelling in my pants as my breathing starts to become shallow. Her smile falters and my fingers involuntarily squeeze her hips, which brings her flush against me. I’ve never wanted something so bad in my life than to kiss this girl—the girl who hooked me from just a photograph.

  I watch her pupils dilate as her breasts brush against my stomach and her breath hitches. Having her react to my touch like that gives me the extra push I need to start bringing my face toward her soft features. When I’m about an inch away and I can taste her sweet breath against my tongue, there is a fucking banging at the door ruining the moment.

  Her eyes go wide and she backs up. “I—I’m going to see who’s here.” She smiles awkwardly and runs toward the front door.

  Fuck! I’m going to kill whoever that is.

  Well I’m not in jail for murder. I figure I can’t kill Tru because Jax will kill me and Jazz will be upset. Plus, I’ve heard about what she did to one of my frat brothers, so after she showed up I left with Grace and went home while they unpacked and did whatever girls do.

  It’s
been a few days and I haven’t heard from Jazz. I’ve been giving her time because she looked freaked out after the almost-kiss. I don’t want to ruin it so I’ll call tomorrow. Besides, I’m pretty busy with Grace and doing some software repairs for some of the professors to earn Christmas money. I have a great idea for Jazz’s gift and hope it’s not too much, too soon.

  As I’m taking a break and making a sandwich, I hear a knock on the front door. I find myself hoping it’s Jazz, but I know it’s just wishful thinking. Chanda stands there all dressed up like she’s going out, smiling showing all her teeth.

  “Hey. You need something?” I ask.

  “What? Now that you have a girlfriend I can’t come over unless I need something? Oh I’m sorry. She’s just your baby momma.”

  Even though we aren’t as close as we used to be, we’re still friends and she helps out with Grace. “Sorry. Come on in.” I move to the side to let her by and feel her brush past me. After closing the door, I walk back to the kitchen and finish my sandwich at the table. “You want anything? I can make you a glass of tea or a sandwich.” I hold mine up.

  She moves and sits in the seat across from me. I notice her skirt rise as she crosses her pale, slender legs. I scoot my chair back to put some space between us. “Nope!” She pops the P and leans her elbow on the table “So where’s Grace?”

  “She’s in her room. Jazz bought her a new keyboard and she hasn’t stopped playing it.” I can’t help but smile when I think of how good Jazz is with Grace and the thoughtfulness of her gift.

  “Well, with her money I’m sure she can buy whatever she wants. Where is Miss Royalty anyway?” She arches a brow and leans in closer, displaying her small cleavage.

  These little mannerisms used to get me so hard we’d end up screwing anywhere and everywhere. Now it has no affect on me. Instead of wanting to see golden eyes lost in ecstasy, I want to see sky blue ones.

  I lose my appetite and quickly stand to throw away my trash and to get away from Chanda. “Look, I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I’m not interested. I like Jazz. So please just back off.”

  She stands and walks to position herself in front of me while I lean on the kitchen counter. “So how come I’ve never heard about her before now? Neither has Brenda. Your own mother who knows everything about you.” She taps her finger on her cheek while puckering her lips and thinking. “Something’s going on and I intend to find out, Mason.” She winks at me before she saunters away. She stops by the front door and holds the handle. “You know, we used to be best friends and would do everything together. I wouldn’t mind that again.”

  She walks out and I exhale, rubbing my hands over my face. The girl from my past that I used to love just offered what I’ve always wanted … that is until a few months ago. I’m pining over someone who I’m not sure wants me at all. Shit. If I thought things were complicated with just the lie, now things are really fucked up.

  Is it wrong to not want to want to kiss your baby daddy who’s not really your baby’s daddy? If that confused you, then welcome to my world. I’m so frickin’ confused that I decide to take a drive instead of sitting in my too quiet apartment. Even my reality television addiction isn’t helping. I turn up Tell Me how You Like it by Florida and Georgia Line and sing at the top of my lungs even though I shouldn’t. I need to release some of this frustration.

  It’s been a few days since I almost broke my own rule and I’m still worked up. Why do I keep seeing Mason differently lately? Why did I agree to this ridiculous plan? Why did I fall in love with my professor, who’s a lying piece of shit scumbag who doesn’t have the balls to tell me he’s married?

  I feel myself getting worked up and my chest starts to hurt as it tightens while my breathing accelerates. I start to take slow deep breaths in an attempt to calm down but it’s not working, so I pull over on the side of the road. I reach in my glove box and grab a small paper bag to breathe into. I keep these just in case and haven’t had to use one in a long time.

  Once my breathing is back to normal my mind is still muddled so I decide to call Tru. She doesn’t pick up. I shoot her a text asking if she wants to go with me for a retail therapy session. She says yes but she’s finishing up the lunch shift at Jay Jay’s so it will be a few minutes.

  Making a quick but illegal U-turn, I head Tru’s way and suddenly feel hungry. The nausea has eased up and I’m now able to keep more food down. I’m still not brave enough to try my favorite chili cheeseburger any time soon.

  After grabbing a bite to eat and waiting for Tru to be done for the day, we go and hit the mall. While we walk around looking at all the faces pass us I get lost in my thoughts again. I can’t seem to prevent myself from thinking about Mason here either. Maybe I’ll ask Tru her opinion.

  I turn around and see she’s not by me any longer. “Tru.”

  “I’m over here.” I follow her voice and see her looking in a window for Hot Topic.

  “Why are you looking in there?” I eye the corset bodice that’s showcased on a mannequin. It’s black with hot pink ribbon laced on the sides and back with matching garters. “That is hawt!”

  Tru just continues to eye it for a minute then walks in the store. I follow her in where she asks for one in her size. “Do you have fishnet tights?”

  “What are you doing? I thought we were looking for a Christmas gift for Jax?” I’ve never been in here but I love the style. It’s so dark and sexy. I need to come back after I have this baby. I see a short, plaid skirt and my mind wanders to Mason and what his reaction would be to me dressed as the slutty student. Ugh! There I go again. I am pregnant with my professor’s child so I guess I am the slutty school girl after all.

  “Yeah. But what do you get a guy who has everything?” she asks while paying the girl who’s wearing heavy eye makeup and a lip ring.

  “Um, I don’t know … a gift card like I did?” The girl behind the register winks in my direction and so I wink back just for shits and giggles. Looping my arm around Tru’s waist, I see her smile fall. I might flirt with her, but I’ve sworn off all romantic relationships. Male or female. I put my finger to my lips and say, “Shhh! What my brother doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

  Tru gets my game and starts to play along with me. We’re just in sync together and it’s almost like some Yoda shit at times. “You ready, baby?” She smiles flirtatiously at me and pinches my butt hard.

  We walk out together holding hands and laugh when we are finally out of the girl’s vision. After a minute I finally get back to our conversation. “So why the sex kitten attire?”

  “It’s for your brother. I decided that a full show and strip tease with a lap dance to boot is what he’s getting for Christmas. I also bought him some board wax and car cleaner so he’ll have something under the tree.”

  I watch her eyes light up when she mentions the tree. It’s her first one in a long time, and her apartment is Christmasland at the moment. Mom actually went through our attic and brought Tru tons of decorations that have accumulated over the years.

  She shakes her head and looks at me. “What are you getting Mason?”

  “Nothing. I mean, don’t you think Christmas gifts are a little too personal for friends?”

  “And having a baby together isn’t personal?” She shakes her head and laughs. “What is going on with you two? I saw how flushed you looked when I came over the other day and how he rushed out of there.”

  I really want to talk to someone about this and that was my intention of this little outing Now that the time is upon me for my mouth to work I don’t know how to start. I shrug my shoulders and look at my feet.

  “I don’t know. I mean we almost kissed the other day, but I’m not sure I want to cross the relationship line with him yet … or ever.” I look up and see her intently watching me, so I stop and sit at a vacant bench. “He’s great and I’ve always thought that, but lately he’s been different.”

  “Different how? He’s not mean under all the innocent cuteness is
he? Because I will cut a bitch over you.”

  “Hold up, Rocky.” I laugh because Tru usually doesn’t voice her emotions and for her to get angry on my behalf is so touching but still funny. “No. He’s still sweet, but he’s showing a more intense side. You know, a manly side.” She’s still looking at me with confusion. “Geez. He’s becoming like fuckably sexy to me. Okay? Every time we’re alone I just want to … to. Shit, I don’t know. Fuck him.”

  “Again,” Tru states, nodding her head and laughing.

  “What?”

  “You mean fuck him again. Right? Because you are pregnant.”

  Shit! “Of course I mean again.” I laugh awkwardly and quickly stand to recover. Then I see a toy store and head that way. Grace would love something else noisy.

  Tru follows behind me and we start to play with different toys and act like big kids. She walks over to some baby items and strokes them lovingly while emotion clouds her green eyes. When I stand by her she softly whispers, “I miss him so much.”

  I remain quiet because I don’t know what to say. Losing a child in any way must be hard, but what she endured and the reason behind his death is so unfair. She takes a deep breath and wipes her eyes. “I’m thankful though. Thankful to have known him and thankful that when I do finally have another child I won’t take him or her for granted.”

  She looks at me with a single tear running down her cheek. “Don’t take what you’ve been given for granted, Jazz. And if you feel a pull and attraction toward Mason, maybe you should try out an actual relationship with him.” She wipes away any other stray tears and smiles like she just didn’t knock me over with her words. “Now let’s go find some shoes I can wear with this outfit.”

  The rest of the day I act like her words aren’t running around in my head and try to enjoy what’s left of it. After I drop Tru off at her car I have one destination in mind and can’t help but speed through traffic just to get there. My mind and body are at war over what I want with him. I don’t know which one I’ll chose, but I hope the war will stop ripping me in two once a choice is made. But will it be the right one?