by Duggan, K A
She smiles like I’ve told her all she needed to hear, accepts it, believes my words. I’ve never felt shittier. “Good, now I’ve got that off my chest let’s dance!” she says, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the door.
We return to the bar area and she makes a beeline for the dance floor, still dragging me along with her. I look over to our table and see that Ash isn’t there so reluctantly allow her to manhandle me. I start swaying to the music in what I hope resembles the effortless moves Trina is pulling. She gives me a thumbs up and loses herself in the crowd of other dancers. I spin and catch Ash watching me from the bar as I sway again to the beat. He’s smiling, his dimples on show and his gaze glued to me. It gives me an incentive to keep going. He’s watching me dance and … liking it. Another new experience. Something as simple as dancing in front of others and I’ve never done it before. Music is supposed to be all about the rhythm so I let myself get lost in the music, lost in my own world, eyes closed enjoying this feeling.
After a few more minutes I decide to give up and walk back to the table when a hand slips around my waist making me freeze. A strong hand keeps me in place as I try to swivel and see who has hold of me. The hand starts creeping upward as I’m forced to move with whoever it is and I panic. Is this the norm? Acceptable? I’m like a deer in the headlights.
“Back off.”
Jake appears before me and gives me a reassuring grin before fixing steely eyes back on the guy touching me. I’m released and don’t even look back to see who it was before darting off to my table. I slowly lower myself to the seat and down the last drops of alcohol in the glass.
Jake joins me. “Are you okay?”
“Yes, thanks to you.” I sigh. He frowns at my apparent shakiness, so I admit “I’ve never really been to pubs or clubs. I’m not used to drinking and I’m definitely not used to being groped.”
“You’ve never been to clubs?”
“No.”
“Wow. I don’t know what to say. I don’t think I’ve ever met someone that’s never got shit faced.”
“Well, now you have. Seriously, though, thank you, Jake.”
“No worries. To be honest I did it to save my own skin. If anything had upset you tonight that I could’ve prevented Ash would skin me alive.” He chuckles
I smile “Where is Ash?”
“Went to the bar and hasn’t been seen since.”
I look around the room desperately trying to pick him out. His space at the bar is now occupied by a hen party and he’s nowhere to be seen. “Don’t look so nervous.” He jokes “I don’t bite… Unless asked nicely.” He smiles again and I feel no more at ease even though he’s trying to be friendly.
“Relax Fliss, he’ll be back. Gives us a chance to chat anyway. So, if you’ve never drunk before do I take it you’ve also never danced before?”
I shake my head, a blush creeping over me.
“That explains it then.” He murmurs “Did you grow up in a convent or something?”
“I might as well have.”
He ponders my answer for a few seconds before realising I won’t be divulging any more on that subject, so he changes tact.
“What do you do, Fliss? For work?”
“I’m… a business owner I guess.”
“You guess?” He quirks a brow “How can you not know if you own a business?”
“No, I do. It’s not something I set up but something I inherited. I still have trouble believing it’s mine.”
I watch as he digests this information and I can see his cogs turning.
“How long do you plan on sticking around then? I mean can you run this business from anywhere or is it something you’ll need to get back to?”
“I didn’t really have a timeframe in mind to be honest. I’m taking a break and it won’t fall apart without me. But I’m happy and have no plans to leave anytime soon. Unless Ash wants me to of course.”
“Where did you move from?”
“London.”
“So, if work wasn’t the reason for your move, what brought you all the way out here?”
I stall by taking a sip of the alcohol in front of me. It’s happening – the interrogation I expected but it’s even worse than I imagined because he’s asking me with a smile on his face, needling information in a friendly way which is all aimed to catch me off guard.
“Truthfully?” I reply
“Up to you.” He replies on a shrug.
“Change of scenery. The chance to travel and be spontaneous for once in my life. I want to make memories.”
He nods as though that’s an acceptable answer but I’m not sure he buys it completely so I take a risk. Smiling, I lean forward and lower my voice conspiratorially “Plus, I planned to see if I could make my flatmate fall in love with me.”
He laughs “I can’t tell if you did go down the truthful route or not, Fliss. But either way, I wish you luck.” He tips his beer towards me and I clink it with the empty pitcher.
Felicity
Current mood – To be decided
Regret level – Also, to be decided
We make it back to the apartment after what turned out to be a really good night. Ash’s friends were lovely, especially Trina, who insisted we swap numbers. I didn’t give myself away and I’m open to doing it again sometime very soon. New experience number 34.
Our arms have been linked on the walk back and once we open the front door Ash detaches himself from me and makes his way to the kitchen. I throw myself down on the settee.
“So, did you enjoy yourself?” Ash asks from the other side of the divide.
“It wasn’t completely horrible,” I admit on a small smile.
He walks into the living room but remains standing, holding a beer in his hand.
“Really?” He laughs “Progress. Seemed like you and Trina hit it off?”
“How could we not? Ignoring her was not an option.” I giggle
“Yeah, she’s pretty headstrong, but if she hadn’t taken a liking to you she wouldn’t have acted otherwise. Trina doesn’t do fake.”
“How long have you known her?”
“We grew up together. After my parents uprooted us to live in Ireland when I was about 7 we moved in next door to Tree and her parents and they became friends so a lot of the time we were thrown together to hang out while our parents mingled.”
“You weren’t born here?” I’m shocked, this is something else I didn’t know about him.
“No, London was our home up until then.” London. I want to ask what area, push for more but it’s pointless. I may have lived there my whole life but I hardly know it. If my parents had been normal, who knows, maybe we’d have gone to the same school and met years ago. Maybe we’d have hated one another.
“Have you and her ever…?” My voice trails off as my cheeks flame.
“Ever what, Fliss?” He smirks
I remain silent so he continues “There’s a lot we’ve done. Have I ever held her hair back while she’s thrown up everywhere? Yes. Has she ever slept here? Yes, the spare room might as well have been hers for all the times she’s stayed. Has she forced me to play hairdressers and makeup artists? God yes. Stop me if I’m on the wrong track…”
“Have you ever been more than friends?”
“Best friends!” He corrects “And no, that’s gross. Plus, I’m not her type.”
I scoff before collecting myself. “I’m pretty sure you’re most women’s type.” I blurt and my cheeks burn again. Damn alcohol must have made me loose-lipped.
He doesn’t grin though which I’ve become accustomed to when he receives any kind of compliment. He stares. Hard. As though he’s looking right through me. It makes me fidget uneasily. Uncertainty flows through me.
“Am I your type, Fliss?” He grins and I’m almost relieved playful Ash is back until I register the question and feel his eyes bore into me. He’s not playing.
This is it. Tell the truth, or lie and maybe miss my chance.
End thi
s farce here and now or keep pushing for the dream.
Play it down my head screams. The air is thick with anticipation. My heart pounding at the seriousness in his stare. He’s unflinching, waiting just as hard to hear my answer as I am to tell it.
“You’re okay.” I smile
His face falls but he covers it quickly. Seeing it makes me want to beat myself to a pulp.
He nods as though expecting rejection and turns to leave. I grab his wrist on instinct and he turns my way, uncertainty filling his features, sad eyes seeking mine. “You’re not okay Ash. You’re everything. You’re the best person I know.” I admit quietly.
His lips crash to mine in seconds, warm and inviting. Softly at first as though testing he’s made the right move but when I respond, when he knows I want this as much as he does, he doesn’t hold back. My eyes fall closed. He sinks to the settee never breaking our locked lips, the beer he was holding drops to the floor as he pulls me onto his lap. I’m straddling Ash. I can feel how turned on he is and knowing I’m the cause of his lust makes me kiss him eagerly. I’ve dreamt about this so many times but nothing compares to the real thing.
His hand bunches in my hair, my hands find his face. His kiss is hungry, lethal, demanding and it makes me giddy. Our tongues are almost fighting for dominance as they stroke against the other. His hands travel to my arse, pulling me into him, pushing me down onto him.
Panting heavily he pulls back and stares into my eyes. “How much have you drunk, Felicity?”
“What?” I ask exasperated that he’s stopped
“I don’t want to take advantage…”
“My God, Ash. I’m offering it up. Just take it.” I press my lips against him again and he resists for only a second before he’s tugging at my dress. Realising it won’t budge in our current positions, he picks me up and starts walking. I hear his door slam behind us before he lowers me to his bed. He stands back and stares as he slowly removes his top. I command my body not to squirm, to watch the breathtaking display before me but he’s too far away so I sit up and pull him towards me by his belt. He leans forward capturing my lips again and reaching behind me to undo my zipper.
“I like this look on you, Fliss.” He murmurs against my lips “Much easier to remove than one of your onesies.”
I grin against him. My skin jumps when he touches me again. I don’t know why people are so afraid of electrocution, it feels quite nice if you ask me, like a little shot of adrenaline warming my insides.
“I watched you tonight, Fliss. My eyes were on you all night, even when you thought they weren’t. You have no idea the effect you have do you?”
When I lean back to stare at him in question he grins and bends to kiss my neck, inhaling my scent as he does “You’re beautiful, Fliss. Inside and out”
Those words, words I’ve always wanted to hear have an adverse effect. My eyes fill with tears, in a matter of seconds from being all in it’s like cold water has been thrown on me, dulling the sensation as my senses kick in and regardless of how much I want this I know I can’t have it. Not while I’m still lying to him. When we’re together for the first time I want it to be because he really knows who I am, and not by being tricked. He’s only skimmed the surface of who I am. My insides aren’t beautiful, they’re ugly.
He backs up straight away and his eyes burn a hole in my face.
“I’m sorry. I can’t. I want to, I just…”
He sits next to me on the end of his bed and runs his hands through his hair sighing heavily as he does so. “You’re right.”
“I am?”
“Yeah, as much as it pains me to say. We live together, I don’t want things to become awkward between us, Fliss. I don’t want to lose you and who knows how we’d feel in the morning.”
My heart plummets. I might have put a stop to proceedings but I didn’t think he’d cave so quickly. He was all over me minutes ago, I thought he’d give me reasons why this would be a good idea. I think there may be something seriously wrong with me and honestly, I never knew I had this much will power. One of my fantasies was about to become true and I turned it down. What happened to living? To grasping all opportunities? New experiences.
“I’d better go,” I suggest
“Oh no you don’t. I don’t want any weirdness to have time to develop between us. I’m going to have a cold shower. Stay here, make yourself comfy and we can Netflix and chill.”
My eyebrows shoot up “I mean actually chill, Fliss, you know relax?” He laughs but it’s a hollow sound.
* * *
The following day my head hurts, my brain is mush and my heart aches a little. I fled from Ash’s room the second he hit the shower, before we could Netflix and chill. I wasn’t sure I wouldn’t pounce on the guy. I drag myself from my room reluctantly, praying I didn’t go wandering last night and decide it’s time to face the music.
Ash is already up, regular as clockwork doing his morning exercise. Usually, I love this, the only acceptable time I can be a pervert. His bare torso slick with sweat, abs on full display as he works out. I usually stand in the kitchen and watch as I eat or drink so no unwanted sounds can escape my lips. It’s the highlight of my day. He barely glances my way as I pass through the living room and make my way to the kitchen. Coffee, I need copious amounts of it right now.
I stir slowly, the clanging of the spoon like cymbals in my head and surreptitiously peek at him through the divider. He seems engrossed in press-ups and for once he hasn’t asked me to work out with him. Finally, he stops, grabs a towel from the settee, wiping himself down, chugging a bottle of water, then he sits and fires up his laptop, furiously tapping away at the keys. I dread to think what he’s writing in his new book if I’m now his muse.
After a few sips of the liquid gold I quietly make my way to the settee and sit across from him, he still doesn’t look up. He’s purposely ignoring me and being given the cold shoulder by him isn’t something I’ve experienced yet.
I thought I’d become accustomed to silence. Rambling around our big old house alone day in and day out. Turns out though that I’ve never been privy to awkward silence and that’s a whole other ball game.
“Ash?”
He looks up fleetingly before returning his attention to the screen in front of him. “Yeah?” he answers in a tone that screams go away.
“Can we talk?”
He sighs and closes his laptop none too gently, placing it next to him before nodding.
I wring my hands nervously in my lap. I don’t know what to say. I hate this awkwardness. I want the playfulness back. A tight knot forms in my gut. How do I broach us being us again?
“Look, Fliss, if this is about last night we’d both had a bit to drink, inhibitions were lowered and we nearly crossed a line. But we didn’t. You don’t need to feel awkward. We’re good okay? It won’t happen again.”
If his words were aimed to make me feel better, they don’t. His delivery is all off, monotone, matter of fact. None of his usual character behind them so they come out flat and worthless.
I feel my face drop as he says it will never happen again and try to cover it quickly with a small smile as I nod my agreement. “As long as we’re on the same page,” I say
“The message was loud and clear, Fliss. Don’t worry.” He says and collects his laptop and walks away. I hear his door close and I feel small. More insignificant than I’ve felt in a while. What did his last sentence mean? What message?
Then it hits me like I’ve actually been smacked in the face. I stopped what was about to happen. For someone with an ego as big as his bruising it must’ve stung like a bitch. Does he feel rejected? Unwanted? Or am I just reading too much into it as usual. Maybe for once, I should take his words and their meaning at face value.
I disappear back to my room, get dressed in normal clothes instead of a onesie selection and lie on my bed with my laptop. I hate this emotional distance so decide if I can’t speak to him in person, online me can.
Me: Hey,
do you have anything for me to look over yet?
Ash: I do, but it’s a bit different from my last work. Are you sure you’re ready for it?
Me: I’m always ready.
Ash: That’s my line! I’ll email it over later, some stuff to sort out first.
Me: Are you okay? You sound… Meh.
Ash: Meh describes it perfectly. I’m good, just a little… confused I guess.
Me: Anything I can help with?
Ash: Maybe. I think I’ll just internalise for a bit until I have it settled in my own mind.
An incessant tapping pulls me away from our chat exchange. I wait to see if Ash is going to answer but when the tapping continues and he doesn’t surface, I drag myself from my bed and go to the front door.
Trina, Jake and Nathan are stood the other side. I almost don’t answer but I need something to distract me, so I paste on a smile and let them in.
The guys make a beeline for the settee as Trina and I walk to the adjoining kitchen. I busy myself making tea and coffee as she chatters non stop about last night. I see Ash walk into the living room and I’m frozen in his gaze. I turn away so I don’t have to witness the multitude of emotions contained in them.
We join them shortly after and the three of them laugh and joke as Ash and I offer up the odd nod or smile.
“They need a nickname. You know like Brangelina.” Nathan says
“Who needs a nickname?” I ask, trying to join in and stop being so unsociable.
“You and Ash apparently.” Trina replies rolling her eyes
“I’ve got it.” Nathan says clicking his fingers “Flash!”
I laugh half-heartedly “Or Ass” he offers
“You are not calling us Ass. Why do we need a nickname anyway?”
