by Duggan, K A
“Saves time. Instead of asking if Fliss and Ash can come out to play, we can say, oi Flash let’s go out.”
“That makes no sense you idiot,” Jake says
They carry on throwing around power names for us but it doesn’t go unnoticed by me how quiet Ash is and apparently not by Trina either as I notice her head ping pong between us both and frowning as she does so.
“Ash, can I talk to you a minute. The function our parents are throwing is giving me acne.” She nods towards the kitchen and he follows her with a noticeable stoop to those usually broad shoulders.
His back is facing me but Trina’s animated face is clearly visible. I try and squint, to hone in and practice my lip-reading skills but she’s going ten to a dozen and Nathan keeps asking my opinion on nicknames.
“How about Fish?”
I shake my head and look back to the kitchen to see they’re making their way back to us.
Trina is clearly intuitive as she quickly and efficiently makes the guys leave by physically ushering them out. We arrange a date with one another for the following day and then she sees herself out.
Ash retreats to his room and it’s then that I realise he didn’t leave me a shower mirror smiley today. Shit. I’m really in his bad books.
Ashton
Trina is many things and when she’s on top form like she appears to be today, receiving a lecture from her equates to being stung by a wasp. She told me in no uncertain terms to get off my high horse, quit being a dick and ‘suck it up, buttercup.’ After laughing at me first, of course.
Being the gem that she is and the person who knows me best in this world taking her advice is the only sensible thing to do, not that I’d ever admit that to her. I wish she’d take her own advice as well, though. She’s put me straight.
If I don’t want to scare Fliss off then coming on to her last night, being rejected and moody about it this morning and ignoring her is hardly the way to handle it. Being emotionally confused is a new one on me. Turns out the way I handle it isn’t very well. This all could have been avoided if she’d waited last night, but she took off and let the void open, let the awkwardness seep in. I finished my shower ready to alleviate any concerns she may have had to find her missing, like she couldn’t get away fast enough. That is the crux of my problem. That is what caused my shitty mood because it left time for the rejection and missed opportunity to fester.
A few weeks ago my charm offensive was for selfish reasons but the longer she’s here the more natural it becomes. I go out of my way to bring a smile to her face because in turn, it makes me happy. Right now I’m being a jerk which isn’t fostering smiles from the one it’s easiest to accomplish them with. I’m not one for apologising unless I’ve seriously fucked up so decide to use my natural charm to get us back on speaking terms without saying that five-letter word.
I walk into the living room and she looks up from where she’s writing in that damn journal again.
“Okay, so we’re clearly attracted to one another. Something is going to happen between us.”
Her eyes widen at my sudden announcement before a hint of a smile plays over her lips. While I have her hooked I continue, “It’s inevitable. I’m irresistible, you’re irresistible. We’re just too tempting. It would be a sin to ignore.”
“Oh my God, Ash.” She laughs, accompanied by that blush. “You have such a way with words.”
The sound and sight of both perk me up immediately so I continue to tease her,
“You know, Fliss, I’m starting to think your sleepwalking is a ploy to tempt me.”
“Really?” she questions, playing along.
“How many times are you going to wander into my room naked before my resolve slips?”
“A ploy.” She giggles “You think I mortify myself on purpose? Ash, if I wanted to test your resolve I’d do it while we’re both awake.”
My eyebrows lift in shock. Bring it on Fliss. “Like now?” I grin, only half serious.
“What? No.” And I have her back to being flustered. Result.
“Fine, your loss… for now. I’ll check again with you tomorrow.” I wink at her and leave as quickly as I appeared knowing she’ll go back to frantically writing in her journal.
And just like that, we’re good again.
Felicity
Current mood – Anxious
Regret level – Yo-yoing
Hanging out with your obsessions best friend is nerve-wracking. Trina is a cool chick and I can see why he’s drawn to her. She’s confident, likeable and doesn’t sugar coat but she’s also loyal. I want her to like me because having the best friend on your side is a plus. I also know she’s a firecracker and because of her loyalty to Ash, she scares me. Trina is a threat in the most basic of meanings. She won’t kill me when she finds out how I’ve deceived him. No, she’ll do something much more inventive.
Trina arrives bright and early. I guess she’s one of those weird happy morning people, but then she probably gets quality sleep every night.
She adopts Ash’s tactic of looking me up and down when I answer the door. If she thinks my plain black onesie is a problem I wonder how she’d react to my animal selection of them.
We walk in relative silence for the first few minutes which seems uncanny for Trina. I’m not sure in the short space of time I’ve known her she’s ever been quiet.
We walk until we reach a park and decide to sit on the bench just outside of it.
“I know.” She says out of the blue.
I turn to her quickly, panic setting in. Maybe she’s dug into me, did research. “Know what?” I ask cautiously
“What happened between you and Ash. I mean, I knew something had gone down by how quiet and uninvolved you guys were but he confirmed it for me.”
“Wow, you’re sneaky. So there was no function you needed to talk to him about. It was me?”
“Correct.”
“Bet that was a fun-filled chat?”
“Depends. It was fun for me to see him miserable over a woman; proves he’s human. Not sure if that makes me a sadist enjoying someone else's misery but it did make me happy.”
I frown at her as that sinks in.
“You have to understand us four are pretty tight and boy do we love to gossip so when someone new comes into the mix they’re gonna be under all kinds of friendly scrutiny. We talk. Jake told me he spoke with you at the bar and what you said about your roommate – he thinks you were joking but I think there was an air of truth in that little confession. Based on what Ash just told me, I don’t understand what the problem is?”
“What do you mean?”
“Jeez, this is like high school all over again. Do you like him?” she stares me straight in the eyes and I can’t look away.
“Yes,” I answer honestly for the first time.
“Right, good. And he likes you.”
“He does?”
She throws her hands in the air “How are you guys so blind? I swear just being around you both is nauseating and worrying because I don’t know if I’m likely to catch on fire from the heat you’re letting off. How can you both not see the blatantly obvious?”
“He likes me?” I smile as it settles in. He isn’t just being his naturally flirty self. Ash likes me.
“God, Fliss, yes. Why do you think he was up there sulking? Because he likes you but thinks you don’t like him. And you’re down here liking him but thinking he doesn’t like you. Ugh. So now you know. I’ve put you both straight, so grow up. Stop tiptoeing around whatever the problem is and be adults. I did not sign up to be agony aunt, relationship counsellor or mediator so figure your shit out and I said the same to him so don’t think I’m just picking on you.”
I start to cry without meaning to. Tears of frustration, genuine sorrow, and relief. I hate that I’m showing weakness to one of the most important women in Ash’s life. I would’ve thought by now that my tear ducts were dried up. I guess not. I’ve just had the confirmation I’ve yearned for and I fe
el sick to my stomach, because it’s not me he likes, it’s the version of me he knows. The one I’ve presented to him.
“Shit, tough love works on him, but now I know it doesn’t on you.” She wraps her arms around me and I sob into her hug.
“I’m a terrible person, Tree.”
She holds me at arm's length, her brow furrowing, “You kill someone?”
I shake my head “No”
“You planning on killing someone?”
I smile this time “No”
“You kick puppies?”
“No,” I grin
“Then nah I don’t think you are.” She says “And I’m an amazing judge of character.”
“I am and I’m in so deep I don’t know what to do. We spoke last night… kind of. We’re back to being normal with one another – I even had my shower smiley this morning.”
“What the hell is a shower smiley?”
I open my mouth to answer and she holds her hand up “Actually, I don’t want to know. The visions my mind is conjuring up are much more fun. I still don’t understand the problem here though?”
“I just can’t go there Tree. I can’t tell you why because he needs to hear it first, but I’m nowhere near ready to tell him.”
“Wanna talk about it? I think I just proved how amazing I am with the advice.” She bumps my shoulder with hers.
“I can’t. I can’t say the words out loud, just believe me when I say I’m an awful human being and as much as I’d love to pursue something with him I’ve realised it was all a pipe dream.”
“Girl you talk in riddles. Listen, life is simple – we overcomplicate it. And I’m more than qualified to make that statement. If you want something go for it. If there are reasons why you can’t, fix them first then go for it. If you’re an awful human being, then stop being awful.”
“How I would love to be you for a day. You make everything sound so black and white.”
“See, Fliss that’s exactly where you’re going wrong. Nothing is black and white. I live life for the colour in it. Every shade in between the ones you just mentioned make life beautiful and that is simplicity. When we forget that, that’s when things go awry. You’re so mysterious and I don’t think it’s necessarily intentional on your part, try to open up, whatever is holding you back I guarantee will be a weight off your shoulders when you do.”
Ashton
I wait for her to return from her walk with Trina. We need to do something fun, shake any lingering funkiness. I wonder if she’d be up for another cooking lesson but then realise we’d likely demolish the kitchen again, as fun as it was, the clean up after was not. I hear her bedroom door close and wait a beat before crossing the hallway towards it. I raise my hand to knock but am stopped by the sound of her hushed voice coming from inside. Curiosity gets the better of me and I find myself leaning against the door to try and listen to her private conversation. Why wouldn’t I? I know next to nothing about her and my constant need to know her better is consuming.
“Gerry, I can’t come back, not yet.”
“I just can’t.”
“How bad?”
“Okay, but only because it’s you asking. I’ll get the next flight.”
“I’ll be home soon. Yes, I’ve missed you too actually.”
I jerk away from the door. My jaw feels like it’s set in stone. Who the fuck is Gerry? Did she lie about having a boyfriend? What is her deal?
I ready myself to abandon spending time with her and slink off to my room but then it hits me – she’s leaving. Catching the next flight. Is that it? She’s going back to some other guy? Is that why she stopped last night? She lied about being taken. She couldn’t give herself to me because she already belongs to another? This pisses me off. I’m still trying to wrap my head around these sudden feelings and I’m not ready for her to leave. Not ready to watch her walk away before I’ve had my chance to … what? What is it I want from her? If I don’t know, how the hell can I expect her to be open to it?
My apartment has felt alive again. I love living with her. I never wanted someone in my space, someone I’d have to spend a certain amount of time with. Someone knowing the ins and outs of my routine. Living with someone whether romantically or not is still a huge commitment. And I’ve just realised I’m all kinds of committed to Fliss. My father has been off my back and I’ve been happy. I’m not ready to lose any of that. Truth be told, I just don’t want to lose her. But how do I make her stay? How can I discover if what I want is reflected back?
Felicity
Current mood - Seething, hurt, pissed off (all of the above)
Regret level – Off the charts
This is becoming a habit. Not only do I lie to Ash on a daily, I lie to myself, and now to Gerry. I hung up the phone with no intention of looking for flights. Especially now the time is getting closer and I’m petrified of facing it. I wanted to just hide away with Ash and pretend nothing could hurt me. Pretence is so much more appealing than reality.
Only it seems he had other ideas. He’s done a complete one eighty. My escape has become nothing more than another thing to get over.
Tonight, again, I lie here listening to him ‘entertaining’ the second woman in a row this week. I can honestly say it’s like experiencing a new kind of torture. One designed for maximum impact against me. I’m at the end of my tether. After his playfulness a few days ago I thought we were back on track, he seemed to be his normal, easy going, joking self. But that night he was distant. He went out, came home early hours of the morning and he wasn’t alone. Jealousy eats me up, anger consumes me and sadness mocks me.
To accompany the laughing, and various other noises coming from the opposite bedroom my mind has decided to conjure up what is actually happening in there. I know, obviously but my mind keeps swaying into great detail, imagining his naked body writhing with a faceless female and in my head, she’s butt ugly. Because for some twisted reason that is more acceptable to me. I tell myself he’s lowered his standards and is only with them because he can’t have me. Not that I believe I’m a catch, but this is my fantasy land and I can make believe whatever I like. To be fair I haven’t heard any panting, screaming or yelling of his name but still, it’s not rocket science is it? The high pitched giggling and unavoidable flirting is enough to make me gag.
I’m not sure if this is my punishment for getting too close, if he’s trying to prove a point or if it’s as simple as karma for my deception. All I do know as I lay with a pillow over my head is – I can’t take much more. I wish that knowing he was such a man whore made me wise up and get over these silly feelings. But I’m not wired that way. Living with him has only intensified what I already felt. I could leave but my head has clearly decided I like the torture and this is the lesser of two evils. How messed up is that?
I turn over and pray to all the gods in the universe that if I fall asleep I will not sleepwalk tonight. The last thing I want to find out in the morning is that I walked in and interrupted them whilst they were at it, or heaven forbid, tried to join in or something equally as mortifying.
The following morning I wait in the hopes that by the time I venture out there his stupid, slutty visitor has left, and also, they didn’t receive a visit from me in the dark. I walk out into the living room, bypassing him sprawled on the settee, and make my way to the adjoining kitchen to start on my energy for the day – coffee. The open plan design means we can see each other and I notice him flicking looks my way the same as I send his way. Yet neither of us talk. There’s an uneasiness that’s been present and I’m desperate for us to get back to how we were. Enough is enough though. We can’t spend all day side-eyeing the hell out of one another.
My muscles feel tightly bunched, too much tension for this time in the morning, especially before my morning coffee. I take a sip as I contemplate how to start. How does one broach such a subject?
“Ash?”
“Mmhmm” he answers without so much as glancing my way
“Can we tal
k?” I sound like a broken record.
He puts his phone away albeit reluctantly and stares at me. If I’m reading him right and I think I am because his scowl is unmistakeable then he’s annoyed and my own anger flares. What does he have to be annoyed about?
“About what?” he asks and I swear I detect a challenge in his voice, as though he’s ready for an argument and I’m walking right into a trap.
“Your, uh… visitors.”
He raises his brows and folds his arms, nodding for me to continue.
“Can we maybe limit how many times you entertain in a week? I haven’t slept in days.” There, that wasn’t an unreasonable request. We both live here, there should be give and take between us. I relax now I’ve said it until I see a slight smirk from him and I’m on guard again.
“You don’t sleep anyway, Fliss. Is that really the problem?” He leans forward, arms braced on his legs.
“Regardless of my sleeping habits, it isn’t too much to ask for you to have some common decency and take on board what I’m saying.”
“Oh, I’ve taken it on board, I’m just struggling to see why it’s an issue.”
“If I was bringing a different guy back every night and disrupting your sleep with our … antics, how would you feel?”
“Why would I give a fuck? I’d think ‘good on you’ In fact, I’d probably get off listening to it.”
“Wow! You’re in full jerk mode today.”
He jumps up so quickly and strides towards me that I have to grab the counter to keep me steady, and then he’s before me, staring into my eyes, while I beg my heart to quieten down. His chest rises and falls in rhythm with mine. He’s so near I can feel his body heat and see a vein in his neck pulsing. He clearly has no personal space issues. And then his breath blows over me “If you spoke the truth, Fliss, there isn’t anything I’d deny you – within reason, of course. But until you can admit the real problem here, I’ll do what I like.”
