“I was negligent.”
“You can spin it any way you want, Parker but it doesn’t make it true. The only thing I’m upset about is that you kept it from me. I would have helped you through it. Or in the very least I wouldn’t have thrown myself at you like I did.”
“What? Why, do you think this is some sort of rebound? A way for me to get over my dead boyfriend?” I started yelling.
“No…I don’t know. Is it?”
I couldn’t answer him, because until that very moment the thought had never crossed my mind. What if it was? What if Connor and I were doomed anyway? The first time I left because of him. What if this time it all falls apart because of me?
“I don’t know.”
“Well, then there’s your answer,” he grabbed his cane from beside the bed and walked away. When he got to the door, he stops but didn’t turn around. “Parker, I love you. Having you back in my life again feels right to me…this…feels right to me. But if you’re not in it one hundred percent because you want to be, then maybe we should stop this before we both get hurt.”
He’d said it. He’d finally said it, and it just happened to be in the middle of an argument? Disagreement? I couldn’t tell.
“Connor…I love you…”
He put up his free hand and turned. “You need time, and I need to focus on getting better and getting back to work. You’re going on location for a month for the film. Take the time to figure things out. I’ll be here when you get back.”
“Last time, I didn’t come back.” Having no idea why I said it, I quickly regretted it.
“Yes, I know. That hurt a lot. It tore me apart, but it’s what I needed to get myself together. But this isn’t like last time. One month. I’ll be here when you get back.” He turned and left the room.
I sat on the bed listening as the elevator dinged. Connor was meeting Luke at the gym, and since I knew he was right, I started packing my bag. I had one month in LA to film the first half of my scenes, then I’d be back to shoot the rest in the New York studio. It was going to be hard to be away from him while he was still recuperating, but he had a point. I had to find out if I jumped back into things with him because it was a convenient way to stop thinking about Chuck or if it was because I genuinely do want to be with him. I had to take the time to figure out my headspace, I owed it to Connor and myself.
Walking away before was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. I know I broke Connor’s heart. I’d broke mine as well. It was the worst time of my life, but I got through it, and I’d get through this too.
Connor
I walked the two blocks to the gym thinking about what I’d just done. I told him to leave and think about what this relationship means to him. I didn’t push him away, he had to go for work. I could keep telling myself that. I could go on as if it was just that. I knew he’d come back this time…at least I hoped he would.
Luke was waiting for me when I arrived at the gym. He waved from the elliptical machine he was working on, and I could tell he had been there a while due to the cling of his shirt to his chest.
“Hey, Champ. Did you walk here?”
“Yeah, why?”
“Your limping. Here, take a seat. You don’t want to overdo it. You’ll just set yourself back.” He went to the counter and came back with a bottle of water. “Drink this.” The bottle was lunged at me.
“I needed to think.”
“Oh? The interview go badly?”
“You could say that?” I downed the bottle of water and just looked out the front window at the people passing by. “Know anything about Chuck Alms?”
“Yeah, he was on the Miami Reavers. Died a few months back. It was all over the news.”
“Well, Parker and Chuck were a thing when he died. They lived together. I don’t know how serious it was…didn’t ask, and Parker didn’t seem eager to talk about him. Now I’m questioning everything.”
“Like what? Here let’s start on the bike.”
I moved over to the bike and started out at a slow and steady pace. Luke wouldn’t let me do too much, and I was grateful for that.
“Well, there’s the fact that not long after his partner dies, we meet up again. We got pretty heavy right away. How do I know he’s not just with me out of convenience?”
“You don’t really think that do you?” He pushed another bottle of water at me and hung a towel over my shoulder. “He stayed with you in Florida because you invited him. He stayed by your side at the hospital. That had to be rough on him considering. Thinking he would lose someone else he loved. He’s been a great support system during your recovery.”
“Yes, all true facts, but all those things have allowed him to concentrate on me and not what he’s gone through. He had no reason to think about it until today. Man, he’s beating himself up, too.”
“So where is he, back at the apartment?”
“No, he’s getting a plane to LA. He’s on location for a month for a film he’s in.”
“If anything, the distance will help him think clearer. You too?”
“I don’t have anything to think about. I know what I want, more than anything.”
“Either way, you have the time to think about it,” he said turning off the bike. “Now hop down from there, and since you already walked here, we can skip the treadmill and go right to the weights.”
Over the last few weeks, Luke has become more of a friend than a physical therapist. I look at the time we’re together as just a couple of buddies working out. I started to ease up on him once he let me off the crutches and put weight on my leg. Working the free weights always gave me time to process. With each lift of the weight, I thought of another reason why Parker and I needed a cooling down period. One month wasn’t forever. Thirty days didn’t compare to ten years. I could make it.
Chapter 24
Connor
The first week went by quickly. I was given the go-ahead to go back to work. Provided I stayed out of the shop. Well, at least as long as I didn’t try to work on a fabrication. My office was not small. It was about as big as my bedroom. A desk sat in the middle of the back wall facing the door. There were two chairs in front of it like you’d see in all the tv shows. The far-left corner held my drafting table, and the rest of the room was lined with bookshelves stocked with motorcycle manuals of every make and model. I also had a few large binders full of my own designs. Some I’ve built, some I’m holding onto for future builds.
It was a good thing I’d gone back to the office. Fast and Loud was always busy with orders, which meant my desk was full of paperwork. The first week Parker was gone I spent every hour of the day working on inventory and going over financials to get to my CPA.
Rob was doing great as the shop manager, giving Ryan the time to focus on sales and dealing with customers. There seemed to be a bit of tension between the two, but I wasn’t concentrating on them too much. I figured they were grown adults and could handle their own issues. If it didn’t interfere with work, I was letting them handle it.
Going home at night to an empty apartment after spending so much time there with Parker, was hard. I picked up my phone to text or call him more times than I could count, but eventually put it back down. I didn’t want him to think I was being pushy. I told him he needed the time to clear his head. And that is what he should do without me interfering.
So, when I got a text from him as I stepped into the office at the beginning of the second week, I was relieved.
Parker: Miss you.
Connor: How’s the movie star life?
Parker: It’s ok. Don’t know yet if it’s
my thing, but I’m giving it a chance.
I’m sure you don’t want to support
me for the rest of my life.
Connor: Money is not a
problem. I could always
put you to work at the shop. ??
Parker: We spoke about that.
We’d get on each other’s nerves.
No, I
need to do my own thing.
Connor: Maybe that’s for
the best.
Parker: Okay, well I was
just thinking of you and
wanted to say hi. I love
you. Gotta get back to the set.
Connor: Have fun.
I stared at the screen of my phone until a knock sounded at the door. “Come in.”
The door opened to reveal Rob and Gabbie. “Hey, boss. How’s it hangin?”
“A little to the left, you ass. What’s up?”
Gabbie moved into the room and dropped down into a chair. Her work boots landed on my desk. “Well, we just got a call for a custom.”
I looked up at Rob who stayed by the open door. “Yeah, they want it for a charity thing. Looking to get a comp.”
“And you’re asking me? You should take it into Ryan. Wait…why isn’t he coming to me with this?”
“He left early yesterday. A doctor’s appointment or something.” Gabbie blew a bubble with the chewing gum she was snapping on.
“He’s here now…” I looked at them. “Gabbie, give us a minute.”
“Sure thing. I wasn’t really needed anyway. I just wanted to hear why this one doesn’t like Ry.”
“Shut up, Gabbie,” Rob said bumping into her as she passed by to leave the room.
“Shut the door, Gabbie,” I said then looked at Rob. The minute my eyes landed on him he started babbling something about Ryan switching between English and Spanish. His accent always seemed to get thicker when he was nervous about something. “Roberto…calm down. English por favor. You know I can’t understand you when you do that.”
Working together on the racing scene had given me a bit of insight to my friend. It was the same thing I’d witnessed whenever I broke something on the stock car.
“I can’t talk to him, man.”
“Why not? If he’s done something to piss you off already, I’ll kick his ass.” I grabbed my cane, and he held his hands out for me to sit back down.
“That’s not it. He hasn’t done anything. It’s me. I’m just no good with new people.”
“You and Gabbie seem to get along.”
“That’s not what I mean.”
“Oh,” I saw the look of embarrassment on my friend's face and put it together. “Ohhh. Listen, you two work together. So, you have got to figure out a way of talking to him. I have two managers for a reason. To give me the time to focus on the expansion and eventually to build.”
“I know. I’ll figure it out, but in the meantime…?”
Shaking my head I sighed, “Fine, I’ll talk to him. But figure it out…soon. Also, and this is just a suggestion, but I don’t want to have to fire either of you just sayin.”
“You got it.” Rob jumped from his seat and opened the door turning back. “Any word?”
“Yes. He just messaged me a little while ago.”
“So?”
“He misses me. Told me he loves me.”
“I guess you got three weeks till your man comes home.”
“From your lips…”
“You wish you could have these lips, my friend.” With that he shut the door, leaving me to my work.
After lunch, I left the confines of my office to search out Ryan. He usually stopped by my office in the morning before lunch, but I haven’t seen him yet. When I stepped out onto the sales floor, I noticed why. The place was abuzz with activity. There were customers through the showroom looking at all the models already built for sale. I spotted Ryan with a couple across the floor and raised my free arm to wave him over.
“Hey, Connor. Looking good. How you feelin?”
“Not bad. What’s going on here? Is there a big sale I don’t know about?”
“No, not that I can recall. This started when I unlocked the door this morning. Haven’t had a break in flow since. Something I can do for you?”
“Yeah, I guess a call came in for a comp last night after you left.”
“Okay. I’ll stop by your office and grab the order if it slows down.”
“I don’t have it. Rob took the order. You can grab it from him.”
“Why the hell didn’t he just bring it to me?”
“I don’t know. He’s finding it hard to talk to you. Maybe you intimidate him.”
“Haha, yeah right. Catch ya later, boss. I gotta get an estimate for this couple,” he straightened his tie and combed through his hair with his fingers, then turned and walked toward the couple he left waiting. They had big smiles on their faces, so chances were, it was another sale.
The two salesmen who worked alongside Ryan were also busy waiting on people, and more milled about the floor taking it all in. It was a bit strange seeing so many people in the showroom. I couldn’t think of a time when we’d had so much business in one day.
Over the next two weeks, I’d heard from Parker two to three times a day. It was getting closer to the thirty-day mark, and I had to admit I was more than reluctant to lay my feelings bare for him through text message. I wanted to wait until he was in front of me. So I could hear his words and look him in the eye as he said them. So I could sink into him, let him wrap his arms around me and tell me he never wants to leave me again. I had to hold on.
Parker
Absolute insanity. That was the name of the film and the current state of my life. I know I had to come to LA for work. I also knew it felt like I was running away. The interview with Helena Wilder aired three days after I left. I was getting attacked from all sides, on all of my social media, but a lot of the messages I got were of encouragement as well.
Russell Sharp was pulled over at an inspection stop. He was seen on his phone and gave the officer a hard time about it. The guy literally thought he was above the law. I guess some people think their celebrity will get them out of anything. The cop pulled him over and searched his car after seeing a few lose pills in his cup holder. They found twenty-two pill bottles, each with a hundred pills. All of them were the same as the bottle police found in my home when Chuck died.
The investigator who oversaw Chuck’s case called me to let me know I was cleared of all allegations. That I should try to move on with my life and put the other stuff behind me. Boy did I want to.
I spent the last three weeks thinking about what Connor said. Was I merely with him out of convenience? Running into an old boyfriend at the lowest point of my life, only to rekindle our relationship as a way to stop thinking about Chuck. I was convinced that wasn’t the case when I left for LA and as I stood outside the jewelry store we were shooting in today, I was sure of it. I couldn’t wait to get home to Connor. I had to make sure he had no reason to question my feelings for him, and that I’d never leave him again.
I loved him the last time I left. I didn’t mean to stay away. I was trying to give him time to get himself together. To figure out who he was supposed to be. He’d had so many dreams, and he wasn’t fulfilling them by being my personal fan. That couldn’t be his life.
Don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed it as much as he did in the beginning. Soon after college ball was over, and it was time for me to be a professional it started to look bad. Connor never enrolled in school. He never went into racing like he wanted to. Instead, he followed me around, from game to game. We were able to travel, and after every game, win or lose there was always a party to hit. That’s when things got rough. He could drink anything, and it never seemed to faze him. That’s what it’s like to be addicted. When the one thing you love stops influencing you. So, you need to have more, and more until one day that’s all there is. I knew eventually the only thing that would get him out of bed in the morning was a bottle of Jack. He’d drink until it was the only thing his life centered around and leaving was my way of opening his eyes.
When he got himself cleaned up and started racing, I was going to go back to him, but it felt like too much time had passed. I didn’t have the right to ask him to let me back into his heart after beating it to a pulp. Yet, here I was asking him to do just
that.
He had let me in. He welcomed me from the night I found him in the bar, wallowing in sorrows. Almost as if my showing up was enough to help him heal too. What if he had only done that to get over Matthew? What if that was the reason why he wanted me to take the time…so he could do the same?
Here I was thinking about myself when I never asked him if he was over his ex. This could have been a rebound thing, only lasting as long as it did because of the accident.
“No, I refuse to believe that,” I said inside my empty hotel room. I picked up my phone and started to call him but thought better of it. Time. He had asked for time. I’d been texting him since I left. Proclaiming my love for him. I had to. I had to let him know how I felt.
“How I feel,” I shut the phone off and laid it on the bed beside me.
Taking inventory of my feelings was the best thing I could do for both of us. So, I sat there, my head in my hands and thought of the first night in that room without Connor. Going to sleep alone, waking up alone. It was as if someone had sucker punched me in the chest. My body ached, and it had nothing to do with physical pain. My heart was breaking.
Sure, it broke when I finally was able to convince myself Chuck was really gone, but this was different. This was earth-shattering. I was suffocating even though I could pull breath into my lungs. My hands started to sweat against my skin, and I wiped them down the sides of my legs. I didn’t want to think about never being with Connor again. My very soul was ripping in two.
I stood and began pacing the room. It wasn’t big by the standards I’ve been used to, but it was big enough for a bed and adjacent bathroom. The closet had shelves, and the tv hung on the wall. A small desk and one chair sat by the door. But I paced anyway. What could I think about to get my body to feel better?
Waking up with the sunlight cascading across Connors' face as he slept. Watching the way his hair fell back over his eyes even when he was pushing it back. The way his face scrunched up when he was arguing a point, or how his ass dimpled when I thrust into him. I thought about how the sound of his breathing calmed me every night since he always fell asleep before I did. And how good he looked in the kitchen cooking in nothing but an apron.
Connor's Achilles (Fast and Loud #1) Page 17
