Callisto

by Torsten Krol

  The kitchen phone rang and it’s Lorraine! This shows how today was a day different to all the rest with so many good things happening. The first thing she says to me, “The service is at eleven, so you need to be at the suit rental place at nine to get rigged out. It’s at 2389 Kerwin Street, that’s downtown. It’s called Tux deLuxe and they’ve got suits for big guys, it’s in their ad in the phone book. But they don’t rent shirts and shoes and neckties. Have you got that stuff? It has to be suitable.”

  “Uh, no, only some boots and sneakers.”

  “Are the boots okay, I mean, are they black?”

  “Uhuh.”

  “And not all wore down at the heels?”

  “No, they’re in good shape.”

  “Okay, just polish them up so they look respectable, and get yourself down to Target first thing to get a shirt and tie, no stripes and no patterns, nothing bright, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “And while you’re at Target get yourself some slacks and a few polo shirts, neat casual wear for your interview with Cole, plus a sport jacket. When you don’t look like a lawn-mower guy you look like a cowboy, which is not the right look for success, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  “Got enough money for all that?”

  “Yeah.”

  She gave a big sigh then said, “I’ll be so glad when this is all over, I don’t just mean about Bree, I mean about Dean. He hasn’t called you, has he?”

  “No.”

  “Well, if he does, you tell him to give himself up but to keep his mouth shut about the deal with the Tuesday package. There’s no point in him telling about that, it just gets me in trouble and doesn’t help him out with his own situation at all, you make sure he understands that. In fact, if he calls, tell him to call me and I’ll give him the message. I’d be the one he calls anyway, being his sister.”

  “Uhuh.”

  “I just want this to be over and done with, one way or another. It’s eating me up with nervousness this business, the waiting, wondering if Dean’s gonna spill the beans about Donnie D and all of that. You do understand you’re part of it now, just passing the package along, so if I go down, you go down. Dean has got us both in the palm of his hand about this.”

  “Right.”

  “You don’t sound like you give a shit. This is serious, Odell. The Tuesday arrangement will get us serious cell time if Dean blabs his mouth. I just hope he’s gone so far underground with those terrorists he won’t ever show up again except in the headlines, you know, Suicide Bomber Explodes Himself, that kind of a deal.”

  “You want Dean to explode himself?”

  “Hey, that way he’d die happy like these fanatical religious freaks like to do. Dean was never happy his whole life, so I’d like to think at least he died happy, that’d be something at least. You’re not saying much today, Odell.”

  “No, but I’ve been thinking plenty.”

  She laughed. “Yeah? About what, deep shit?”

  “I’m not in deep shit.”

  “No, I mean deep thinking. If I meant big trouble I’d say deep doo-doo, there’s a difference.”

  “Oh.”

  “So what kinda deep shit have you been thinking?”

  “About doing the right thing, that kind.”

  “The right thing? Haven’t we just been talking about that? The right thing to do is make sure Dean understands he has to keep his goddamn mouth shut and not get his sister and his friend in deep doo-doo like he’s already got himself in with no help from us, right? That’s the right thing to do, only Dean has never in his life done the right thing, up to and including what he did to Bree. Relying on Dean to do the right thing is like relying on fartpower to keep a hot air balloon in the air – sooner or later you run out.”

  “I guess.”

  “So I just want to be sure you understand what the stakes are here, Odell, for you and me both.”

  “I understand.”

  “Well, you sound so calm and peaceful about it all I have to wonder. Have you had some beer today?”

  “No beer.”

  “Anything else?”

  “Nope.”

  “Well, aren’t you Mister On-Top-Of-It-All.”

  “Yeah.”

  I listened awhile to her breathing at the end of the line, then she says, “Maybe I’ve got you all wrong. You come across a certain way that makes me nervous, you act so dumb sometimes, then other times, like now, I think maybe the dumb act is just that, an act, and you really do know what’s going on.”

  “I know what’s going on, all right.”

  “Well, good, that’s good, Odell, you keep that up and the sun’ll keep on shining.”

  “Do you live in a house or apartment?”

  “Why?”

  “I just was wondering. You didn’t ask me over there yet.”

  “Well, it’s an apartment, way small but that’s okay, soon as the probate gets taken care of I’ll be moving out there and take over Bree’s room. I hope it’s not haunted.”

  “I didn’t see any ghosts.”

  “Well, you have to have a special kind of sensitivity to be aware of the spirits. Most guys, they don’t have that, only women. That’s why most of the psychics are female.”

  “I could come over if you haven’t got anything to do.”

  “Didn’t I say I’m turning into a nervous wreck? That’s a full-time job that takes up all day. You go ahead and think some more of your deep-shit thoughts, okay?”

  “Okay.”

  She rung off and I hung up the phone. Lorraine is hard to figure sometimes but I think there is progress getting made in the relationship, she just has to quit worrying so much about Dean and be able to concentrate on me more, and I had taken steps to make that happen with the confession for Condi that’s sitting right there on the mantel. When all of that problem has been cleared up Lorraine wouldn’t need to be worrying anymore and could spend the time to get to know me better, which is what successful relationships are all about, everyone says this.

  So I just had to be patient about that and wait for Condi to get me off the hook, which she will make happen soon as she gets the letter. With a bit of good luck and speedy post it will all be taken care of by the end of the week and I can go interview with Cole Connors for the prison job with a clear conscience. Except if I decide to take Chief Webb to court about that dumb interview he gave me with the stolen tape for evidence and get a million dollar settlement from the Police Department. That way I would not need the prison job and could marry Lorraine and she wouldn’t need to be a drug smuggler anymore, which they call a win-win situation. I had forgot about Larry Dayton all day today until just now. But I had all of Sunday afternoon to be thinking about this, so no problem. That and getting my boots polished.

  After awhile I got bored and started snooping around in Dean’s room looking for more Muslim books or I don’t know what, just snooping to pass the time, I guess, but there’s nothing there. Since I was already snooping I snooped through every part of Bree’s room as well. But all there is is this old Bible very dogeared and a book called The Way of the Nun also very beat-up, which goes to show how religious the old lady was.

  I opened the book up and started reading page 36 just to see what ways they were talking about and was very surprised to find that nuns have got many ways, with each other and some sacred candles and then a bunch of priests that drop by the nunnery for some praying.

  I took it away downstairs to read on the sofa and spent a restful hour or so absorbing knowledge about the religious life as seen and experienced by the writer, Sister Volupta, which I think is Latin. After that I took a nap, then read some more about how to exorcise a demon from the vagina area, which turns out to be a lot harder than you might think and needed a bunch of exorcists to take over till it’s done. After which I napped again and before you know it the whole day’s gone, just slid by like a quiet river and now it’s getting dark outside and I’m hungry like a starving animal after all that re
ading.

  Tonight it’s meat patties and Oriental Stir-Fry followed by Sara Lee cheesecake, the other half. Man, was all of that goooood. This had been one of the best days of my life even if I didn’t get to spend it with Lorraine the way I wanted, so even for second best it was pretty damn good. Then I switched on the TV and heard the lady say, “Next up on Fox News – is this the face of terror, or is someone just murdering a song?” I looked at the screen and there’s Dean singing very loud for a few seconds, then it’s commercial time. I think my jaw must’ve dropped about a mile because I know what this is, it’s the DVD someone made at the Okeydokey Karaoke that got me in trouble with Chief Webb about the Saturday or Sunday problem. And here it is on TV already!

  Now, as already stated before, I am no genius, but it only took me a couple seconds after I saw that to know what has happened here and who did it, which is Larry Dayton. He told me he has got his own DVD that he offered to use at the house yesterday only Andy Webb told him No, use the crappy old videocam. So now it’s obvious that Larry was at the Okeydokey Karaoke last Saturday night and is the one that aimed his camera at Dean while Dean’s onstage, not thinking how later on this would be very important after Dean got famous. He showed it to Chief Webb yesterday and got me in trouble, and in the afternoon come over and offered me that other tape of the interview, that’s how I know it’s him that is behind this now, with his wanting fast money that he can walk away from the PD with and be a lawyer instead.

  I got the phone book and looked him up. I used the kitchen phone because the phone book was right next to it and I think I left my cell out on the rocker after I showed it to Chet.

  The phone got picked up on the seventh ring. “Hello?”

  “Is that Officer Dayton?”

  “Speaking.”

  “This is Odell Deefus.”

  “Hey, Odell, did you get a lawyer?”

  “No. Did you make a DVD at the Okeydokey Karaoke place last Saturday? Not last night, the one before.”

  “That would be Friday.”

  “No, I mean the Saturday night before.”

  “I’m just funning with you, Odell. Sure, I make DVDs at the Okeydokey on a regular basis. The patrons pay to have their performances immortalized, usually the really drunk ones, and I’m the guy there to do that. It brings home a buck. Were you wanting to organize a shoot, Odell? I can see you doing something by Johnny Cash, how about ‘I Walk The Line.’”

  “Did you DVD Dean Lowry and then sell it to Fox News?”

  “Why would you make that assumption?”

  “Because you wanted to sell me that videotape of me getting lie-detected.”

  “And so you extrapolated from that?”

  Well, I didn’t know what that meant, so I kind of growled at him, “Could be.”

  “I wouldn’t have any comment to make about such a baseless accusation.”

  “But did you?”

  “Email is a wonderful thing, don’t you think? It’s speeded up every part of life including making deals and transmitting digital data and getting paid via online banking. Hey presto! Instant swelling of the bank account.”

  “So you did do it.”

  “No comment on that, and no comment on the size of the payment … Hold on, I’m watching something here.”

  I know what it is he’s watching because I can hear it on my own TV. I set the phone down and sprinted to the living room.

  “Top item this hour, the release of surprising DVD material of America’s Most Wanted Man, Dean Lowry. Fox News received this from a wellwisher this last hour and we warn you, what you’re about to watch is … criminal.”

  And there he is, Dean singing “Do You Know the Way to San Jose” and doing a very bad job, I mean he has got no voice at all worth listening to, so bad I’m embarrassed for him even if he’s dead and beyond the reach of the critics, to put it that way. After about thirty seconds they stopped it and the good-looking presenter has got this pained expression on her face. “Ouch!” she says, “that makes a bin Laden tape look and sound like an Emmy winner. Dean Lowry was caught recently demonstrating that he does indeed lead a double life, not lawnmower man and terrorist so much as lawnmower man and karaoke king. If any agents are watching, here’s more …”

  And there was, so bad I started reaching for the mute button, then they stopped again. “Kidding aside, Lowry is still very much on the mind of Homeland Security following his avowed intention to assassinate Republican presidential contender Senator Leighton Ketchum. This is the only live footage of Lowry available to the public and security services, and Fox News is happy to present it for the public good. Be warned, do not approach this man with a loaded mike.”

  That was the end of it and she moved on to something else. I went back to the kitchen but Larry Dayton has hung up the phone. So now everyone is going to be laughing at Dean instead of being scared of him, which in a way is better, kind of. After Condi gets my letter everyone will see that the karaoke guy is realer than the assassin guy, which will make Lorraine feel better, especially since they didn’t say the DVD was shot in a gay bar. The phone rang, so maybe Larry has just remembered I didn’t tell him yet if I got a lawyer for the video interview deal.

  “Yeah?”

  “Odell, are you watching the early news?”

  It’s her, Lorraine, sounding very upset about you know what.

  “Yeah, I saw it, about Dean.”

  “How the fuck could that happen?”

  “Uh, I don’t know.”

  I didn’t want her to know I know the guy that did it, I don’t know why, maybe to sidestep more complication than I’ve already got with Lorraine.

  “Why the fuck would anyone want to do this?”

  “I guess to make money off of Dean being a famous guy.”

  “That doesn’t make it right!”

  “I know …”

  “It makes me sick! What kind of a shitty person could go out and do this?”

  “A bad person?”

  “Bad just doesn’t cover it, Odell. I’m gonna make inquiries and find out who this prick is that did this.”

  “Uh, how would you find out?”

  “Andy Webb, he’s the one got given that karaoke DVD so he knows who shot it. If he doesn’t tell me, I’ll sue him. I’ll sue the whole fucking Police Department! And then when I get told who did it I’ll sue that guy too for invasion of privacy! Dean’s privacy!”

  “Well … but how about the fact that this makes Dean look like not so much of a terrorist. That’s a good thing, to have people laughing at him instead of being scared of him, isn’t it?”

  “Listen, Odell, Sammy bin Laden used to like disco, that’s how much that means. Right now they’re laughing at Dean but he’ll wipe the smile off their faces when he finds out. A terrorist doesn’t change his spots overnight.”

  “Okay.”

  “Andy did this deliberately, let it leak out to get at me, I know he did, the prick.”

  “Why would he do that?”

  “Because … none of your business, Odell. He tried getting at you for the same reason, because you’re a friend of mine. He’s the kind of guy that uses his power to fuck people over just because he can, that’s Andy Webb. He’s running for County Sheriff later this year, that’s his lust for power going crazy. Well, I won’t let that happen. I’ll make such a shitstorm about this he’ll think twice before throwing his fucking hat in the ring. You should sue him too, Odell, about that stupidass interview that he didn’t even let you know beforehand there’s a polygraph involved and no lawyer present for any of it. That’d fuck him up good, a scandal like that …Get a copy of the tape they made! There was a camera there, right, recording everything? Get a lawyer and have him issue a subpoena for that tape and Andy’s head is in the shitter for sure. Between the two of us we’ll make him holler, Odell. You want to do that, don’t you, make him pay for what he did in that interview? You came out of there looking like shit, remember?”

  “Uhuh.”


  “Okay, listen, we’ll talk about this tomorrow at the funeral. Something good is gonna come out of this, Odell. We’ll get a lawyer and sue Andy’s ass together. No way am I letting that prick get to be Sheriff, not after this. He’s allowed Dean’s image to be tarnished and it was deliberate. Okay, funeral’s at eleven, don’t forget. Bye.”

  I went out on the porch and picked up my phone from the rocker. Then I sat down and started swinging. There is too much happening now and it’s getting harder for me to keep track of this and that. What I want is the simple life, just me and Lorraine and a couple of kids in this house right here which is fine for raising kids with hardly any traffic on the road out there so it’s safe for kids. A lawsuit against Andy Webb might get me that. Lorraine and me could get by easy on a million dollar settlement or whatever if we’re careful and don’t go buying brand new Lincoln Continentals or something. Her plan about getting a lawyer was pretty much what Larry Dayton told me to do, so it must be a good plan, I’m thinking. And once I mail the letter to Condi Rice and get that part cleared up there’s nothing to stop me starting up a whole new way of life. And to think that just a week ago I intended joining the Army for a plan! This is way better than that.

  TWELVE

  Driving into town Monday morning I felt good. I already rung up my customers and told them I’ll have to switch them around because I’m going to a funeral. They were very sympathetic about that and said I’m in their prayers which was very nice of them seeing as we are not related. I had my phone in my pocket and my letter to Condi on the dashboard so I don’t forget to mail it. Today was shaping up to be a Real Important Day.

  First I went to Tux deLuxe and had them outfit me with a suit which the guy recommended dark blue or gray for a funeral, so I picked the gray and paid for it, forty dollars and back by five o’ clock or it’s extra, plus cleaning costs if required. Then off to Target for the shirt and tie, which it’s easy to pick the right ones of, plain white for the shirt and a gray tie to go with the suit. So now I’m all set. I drove to the Gallbladder funeral place and got there way early, Lorraine’s car isn’t there yet, so I parked and waited, and while I’m waiting the phone tinkles Greensleeves at me and I opened it up.