Noble Hearts

by Jerry Cole

  “If only I had been told that before I gave up on learning almost half of the classes I was supposed to learn in school,” Edmond said.

  “Well, you learned that you can afford to give up, I suppose,” Theodore replied.

  "Not everything needs a positive explanation. Something I did learn is that empires rise and fall, nations come and go, morals change like the tides," Edmond said. "I believed it was wrong, that our era was righteous and eternal. I am not so sure any longer."

  “That is what we call hope,” Theodore said, looking over his shoulder.

  Edmond also looked behind them. The house was finally out of view.

  Theodore slipped his hand into the crook of Edmond’s arm and stepped closer. “It means you are ready for an era where you may be happy.”

  Edmond hesitated. "I wonder whose turn it shall be next. Whose era will follow?"

  "Ours," Theodore replied. "The next era will be ours."

  “Are you sure?” Edmond asked, feeling less doubtful and more… excited.

  "I am sure of it," Theodore insisted. "We belong here, and this era will free us."

  Before Edmond could complain or try and find something to raise doubt, Theodore was kissing him again. It was so hard to resist. He was starting to wonder if perhaps they were not doomed after all. If this might be an acceptable relationship between men, and not in the distant future, but in a few years to come. He could hope.

  Pinning Theodore against a tree, Edmond knew what he had to request- no, demand, of the tutor.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Theodore could feel the hard, rough bark even through his coat. But there, lips locked with Edmond, he was content imagining a world where their love would not be something hidden or despised, but something celebrated. A little discomfort was worth it for privacy and love.

  Who knew? Perhaps the day would come when stories of men like them would grace the pages of romance novels, just as tales of young forbidden love graced books today. If the world could move enough to accept a certain number of marriages across class boundaries, to accept marriage for love and not merely wealth or power, to accept a variety of marriages across religious and cultural barriers, then perhaps there was still hope for everyone else.

  Edmond broke the kiss and stepped back a little. “Do you not want to-”

  Theodore chuckled. "I was simply imagining how our world may change in years to come."

  “Ah,” Edmond said, seeming relieved. “As was I.”

  Before Edmond could step in for another kiss, they heard footsteps crunching down the garden. Their eyes met as it dawned on them that these were not the light tread of the children, but the steady sound of a lady’s feet, with the swish of the bottom of her skirts against the grass.

  Theodore nearly jumped out of his skin. Edmond actually did jump up, brushing off his coat and shaking his head a little to calm his nerves. Theodore wondered if he looked as visibly flustered as Edmond did, straightening his own coat and hoping it was some servant beneath his own status, and not-

  It was Mrs. Elridge. Of course it was.

  “Good morning, Your Grace,” she said to Edmond with a light curtsy.

  Edmond just nodded, clearly still too nervous to speak.

  "Oh, here you are," she said with a smile. "The children said you were late for their lesson; I was worried something had happened. I see now that you are still with our esteemed guest.”

  “Yes, I must have lost track of time during our walk and conversation,” Theodore said, trying to sound as calm as possible. She had been so quiet, she could have seen them. Had he not been lost in thought, she would know. She would have seen them kiss, and any hope of living their love in secrecy would be gone forever.

  “No trouble,” she replied calmly. “I shall call off your lessons for the rest of the day, so you may enjoy your time with our dear friend.”

  “Thank you,” Edmond said, his voice flat.

  “No, no,” Theodore replied nervously. “I really ought to get back to work. Your children’s education is of the utmost importance, and I am sure His Grace does not wish to spend all day in the company of a tutor.”

  Mrs. Elridge seemed not to notice their nerves, she only smiled and nodded in agreement. “As you wish. I shall see you both later.”

  As she walked back up the garden, Theodore heard Edmond rambling something about the weather until she was out of earshot. As soon as she walked into the conservatory, Theodore looked over his shoulder at Edmond, seeing the raw panic in the other man’s eyes.

  "Are you well?" Edmond asked. "We were nearly... Though I suppose it did not matter to you. You do not share my fears, do you?"

  Theodore hesitated. “I… I do somewhat agree with them of late.”

  Silence fell over them both. The understanding did not need to be put into words. They were both petrified of what could have happened, what could happen at any moment that would destroy both their lives forever.

  “I suppose it was wishful thinking to believe even someone as carefree as yourself could always be happy with his lot,” Edmond finally said.

  “Oh, but I am happy,” Theodore replied. “One can be afraid and happy at the same time.”

  “If only I could learn such magic,” Edmond said, his foot tapping lightly in the dirt as he appeared to lose himself in thought.

  “I shall teach you,” Theodore replied.

  Theodore was genuinely alarmed when Edmond learned in to kiss again. Usually he would embrace it, but they had barely escaped discovery by the skin of their teeth, and Edmond’s eagerness was almost disturbing to Theodore.

  "I ought to return to work," Theodore said, nervously dodging the kiss. "Before we are seen again. Seen doing something more dangerous than talking."

  Without another word, he spun about and began to walk up the garden, to escape the temptation before him.

  Almost getting caught had petrified them both. All at once, Theodore had realized what Edmond had been referring to. That fear that what they were doing was not entirely right. With this fear, a confusion flooded his mind. How could Edmond, feeling that fear, knowing the risk, continue to take risks? It was ridiculous.

  Theodore had been so close to running away and starting a new life with Edmond, like some little girl in a fairy tale running off with her prince charming. And now it was the most terrifying concept all at once. Theodore could not explain it. It was a deep fear that gnawed at him and made him feel sick. He had never been scared of some omniscient deity. But people were another matter, and their belief in that deity shook him to his core.

  Edmond caught up with Theodore and walked beside him.

  “Do not,” Theodore said bluntly.

  “Do not do what?” Edmond asked.

  “Follow me,” Theodore said.

  “How come?” Edmond asked.

  “I am scared,” Theodore said before he could stop himself. “I am scared that we will be punished. Are you not?”

  “I am,” Edmond replied. "I am scared that if we are seen, we will suffer.” Edmond’s hands were twitching a little. "I am scared that I will be judged and punished. I am scared at all times that there is someone watching over me."

  “It must be easy for you,” Theodore said, stopping suddenly, not wanting to get any closer to the house as the conversation continued. “You have that sensation at all times, you are always balancing it. For me it comes crashing down like a fallen tree every time I believe someone is watching.”

  “How is that easy?” Edmond asked.

  “Because it is constant,” Theodore replied. “It is so exhausting to live through these endless changes of mood and energy, like some little deer darting through the woods. We must not get caught, but not because of the judgment of God. Because of the judgment of man. Never forget the difference. One is definitely watching and judging us. The other... I am not so sure of. If we cannot evade the eyes of a God, then we would have been judged and punished already. But man cannot see all, and when he does, he acts
with more cruelty and less reason than any Deity, old or new."

  Edmond nodded. "I understand. You are right. Even if God does not strike us down, man would not hesitate to strike. Even if our souls are forgiven, our bodies may be sacrificed."

  Theodore sighed. “I was so eager to deny the eyes of your God, that I forgot about the eyes which lurk behind every corner.”

  "We've been fearing the wrong demons all along," Edmond said with a nervous chuckle. "We should have feared the ones that walk among us, not the ones in our heads."

  “And what now?” Theodore asked. “Where do we go from here?”

  “We go on as before, we carry on,” Edmond replied. “Must this change anything? The world is no more and no less forgiving of us than it was before your little revelation.”

  Theodore felt as though his heart had been shattered. A difference in beliefs he could handle. An argument too. Edmond’s insecurities were a given. But for Edmond to so callously dismiss one of the most intense emotions Theodore had ever experienced?

  “Let me be, I must think,” Theodore said between grit teeth.

  As he began to walk, he heard Edmond move behind him. And he could not loiter any longer. Theodore broke out into a sprint before either of them realized, darting inside and upstairs, as though he could leave his own confusion and heartache behind with Edmond.

  Chapter Twenty-Eight

  Edmond knew he was being dismissive of Theodore. And it was only going to seem worse now that he was otherwise occupied talking to the Elridges and a few of their guests. Edmond knew, from reading romance and overhearing gossip, that the expected thing was to pursue the hurt party. To march up to Theodore and apologize, to ask for forgiveness and present a gift.

  And here he was instead: drinking and laughing as though he had not deeply offended the man he loved. He knew it was callous. He did not mean to be but... his attention was in demand, and what was he supposed to do?

  “You look as though you need another glass,” the young man said.

  Edmond could scarcely recall anyone’s names, but he did not mind. He was simply enjoying the time. He nodded. “I do,” he replied with a chuckle. An offer of another drink was not something he usually accepted. Then again, it was not something he usually received.

  It felt as though he were playing a part, being someone else, but he liked it this time. It felt right to play the part. The social approval, being wanted... it was intoxicating, more than the alcohol. He felt as though he were walking on air.

  Another young man patted him on the back and laughed. "You cannot handle your drink. Take a coffee instead, my friend."

  Edmond normally would have backed away from this and seen it as an insult or an attack. This time he made an effort to laugh with the young man and was surprised that the others joined in and suddenly they were laughing together, bonding rather than falling out with one another.

  Edmond had never in his entire life anticipated that he would be so well-received by anyone at all, much less, other members of the upper class. Especially not Americans. He insisted on another drink. It felt like every time he had another glass, he was a little more relaxed, a little more cheerful, and, consequentially, a little better received. Mr. and Mrs. Elridge excused themselves before the younger people, who all seemed intent on drinking well beyond the limits of what was proper. The hours passed by faster and faster and before long all Edmond’s worries were lost. It was not until the clock struck five in the morning that anyone considered retiring. As all were more intoxicated than any decent young person should be, they were each supported by overly stern staff as they made their way upstairs and bade one another goodnight.

  Having been escorted to his room and laughed about his fumbling hands, Edmond sat on the bed. For once in his life, he did not feel ashamed of his mistakes. He collapsed back into the pillows, basking in the warmth and joy that radiated from every part of his body. It was a wonderful thing, to be loved and wanted and approved of. And it was something he had never believed he could have.

  Only thanks to Theodore. Thanks to the one person who had believed in Edmond's potential, in Edmond's freedom to choose his own fate. He felt a pang of pain as he remembered what had happened earlier in the day. It felt like falling from a great height, to go from basking in his own joy to realizing what a terrible, awful man he had been.

  It was the alcohol talking, Edmond knew this. And he knew he was listening to the alcohol. He had to be with Theodore. He had to apologize, to kiss Theodore, to make it up to the tutor somehow. The fact that it was nearly dawn did not deter him in the slightest. He got up, straightened his collar as best he could with his shaking hands, and made his way toward the tutor’s room.

  Despite his initial confidence, Edmond was actually a little surprised when he saw the young man standing outside his quarters, either about to enter or having just exited. They stopped, gazing into one another's eyes.

  “You are up late,” Edmond said.

  Theodore nodded and moved to open the door.

  “You are still angry with me,” Edmond carried on.

  Theodore just sighed now. “I do not wish to be. It will pass. I just need some time.”

  “You would have plenty of time if you were to accept my offer and come home with me.” Edmond knew he should not have said it, but with the help of the wine he had indulged in he did not even regret his words.

  Theodore’s face flushed bright pink. “Your Grace may be a little intoxicated.”

  “Oh, without a doubt,” Edmond said, walking up until they were barely an inch apart.

  Edmond began to lean in for a kiss, but Theodore cleared his throat loudly and stepped back, startling Edmond. He looked both ways down the hallway, making sure that they were not being observed, and wrapped his arms around Theodore. “Nobody is watching,” Edmond said with a smile.

  Theodore smiled back and sighed. “You are the most confusing person I have ever met, I thought you no longer had a need for someone like me," Theodore said with a chuckle.

  Edmond wondered if it was a joke or in earnest. It was a hard thing to ask. “Why would I not need you?” he finally asked. “I have never needed someone else more. I have never before realized how alone I am. I have never been so desperate to touch and love another person. I- I am speaking too much.”

  Theodore laughed gently. “For the hallway; come in.”

  Edmond followed Theodore into the tutor’s room. It was a little surprising. Normally by now Edmond’s sober self would have managed to put Theodore off, but apparently his drunk self was somewhat more endearing.

  As the door clicked behind them, Edmond took Theodore’s shoulder, pushed Theodore against the wall, and kissed Theodore hard. Theodore let out a slight gasp and ran his fingers through Edmond’s hair, kissing back with desperate hunger.

  Edmond broke the kiss. “Why would you think I do not need you?” Edmond repeated.

  “You have others. Peers now. Maybe my work would be done here,” Theodore said shyly, the red flush beginning to fade from his cheeks.

  "Not at all, I-" Edmond peered around the room as if looking for anything suspicious. "I love you," he whispered. “I would rather spend every day with you than with anyone else.”

  "You could come back again. When there are no guests. When we can be alone together a while," Theodore said, caressing the collar of Edmond's jacket.

  “I want more than a while,” Edmond said, leaning in and planting another quick kiss on Theodore’s lips. "In fact, I would like you to move in with me. I would like to take you home. Whatever people say, you are the very best thing that has passed through my life," Edmond explained, feeling his cheeks grow hot.

  He had hoped, in his wishful, drunken haze, that Theodore would respond in kind and they would fall onto the bed to make passionate love.

  Instead, the tutor just stood there, expression blank, hands shaking.

  “Did I say something wrong?” Edmond asked.

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

&n
bsp; Theodore did not have a response for this. It was something he had never even allowed himself to consider. After all, their romance was wrong in the eyes of the world. Even back when he had been naive enough to consider they could keep their relationship hidden forever, he would have never imagined so openly moving in together, knowing that other people would be able to tell, even if they dared not say a word.

  Theodore shook his head. "I am not so sure, Edmond. I am not sure that I am ready to make such decisions concerning my own life, my own future."

  "I need you to teach me," Edmond insisted. "I need you to teach me so much more. And I need to love you."

  “It is not so simple, you have shown me that already,” Theodore replied.

  Edmond paused. “I did not believe I had anything to show you.”

  "I am learning so much from you," Theodore replied, caressing Edmond's thick blond hair. "I never knew how much strength I had in me. I never knew how much I had to learn. I will need to work out what these new things mean to me before I can make such a decision. In fact, I am astonished that I was able to teach you anything at all. I have been a daft child for far too many years."

  "I too had never grown up," Edmond said, leaning in and kissing Theodore gently. "You are helping me to grow up a lot. I feel ready to face the world when I am by your side."

  Theodore felt his heart soar. And then fall. He wanted to feel as though he belonged. He wanted this. But his newfound self-doubt was digging deeper and deeper, and he wondered if perhaps he was simply grasping at any opportunity to foster a sense of belonging, without any regard for where it came from.

  "I want to have a purpose," Theodore said. "But I am not sure if this is my purpose. If you are my purpose. You may have never grown up much, but I didn't either."

  “And does that not make us perfect for one another?” Edmond asked.

  “Or the worst possible option for one another,” Theodore replied. “We have so much growing left to do, perhaps not in body, but most certainly in mind.”

  "Then we can help one another to grow," Edmond said with a smile. "It is perfect, is it not?"