Forever Again

by Shannon Stacey

  His chest heaved as he sighed deeply. “Why does a little part of me wish we’d never gone to New Hampshire?”

  She lifted her face to his. “Because it would have been easier. We’d be getting married soon, and we would have some kids. We would have lived to be old, boring, married people together.”

  He kissed her forehead and smiled. “We would have had a good life together.”

  “Yes, but somewhere down the road, even without Gena, some part of both of us would have realized we settled. We’re not soul mates.”

  He held her close again. “So, now what?”

  She shifted in his arms and sighed. “Now you go get your toothbrush out of my bathroom.”

  * * * * *

  Gena sat in the miniature wooden chair and groaned. “When are you going to get some real furniture in here? I feel like a Munchkin.”

  Jill laughed and set down the pile of books she was supposed to be putting away. “This is the children’s room, silly. If you want a comfy chair go sit in the reference section.”

  “Maybe I can find one of those how-to books for getting my life out of the toilet.”

  “Not good, huh?

  Gena tried to smile, but she couldn’t quite manage it. “He’s gone—he left last night. For good this time, I think.”

  Jill pulled up another little chair and sat down. “What do you mean? He’s going to see Mia, isn’t he?”

  “Yeah. She’ll go visit, and he’ll come up here for school events and recitals and stuff. I mean he left…me.”

  Jill leaned over and gave her a quick hug. “I’m sorry, hon. But you knew it was going to happen sooner or later.”

  “I guess I was hoping for later.”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  Gena took a deep breath and told her the entire story. She felt stupid telling it—Jill had warned her, after all—but she managed to get it out. The only thing she left out was the sweatshirt.

  She had found it in the laundry days ago—a worn sweatshirt with Boston College emblazoned on the front. When she asked Mia about she said she had been cold one night and Travis lent it to her. She had forgotten to give it back.

  Last night, after what felt like hours of crying, she had retrieved it from the folded pile and slipped it over her flannel pajamas. The detergent hadn’t been able to completely wash away his scent, and wrapped in its warmth and comfort she had finally been able to sleep. She wasn’t about to tell Jill about that. She felt foolish enough about it without her best friend laughing at her.

  “I don’t think a book’s going to help,” Jill said when she was finished, giving her a sad smile.

  “I should have listened to you that day in the park. I could have tossed him out and put Mia on a bus to Boston whenever she wanted to see him.”

  Jill reached over and patted her hand. “It wouldn’t have helped. You were already in too deep by then. You would still be crying yourself to sleep every night.”

  “Yeah. I’ve done a lot of that lately.”

  “Maybe now that he’s gone it won’t be so bad,” Jill said, trying to sound hopeful. “Or maybe he’ll call off his engagement and come back.”

  Gena didn’t want to hear that. She spent a lot of time convincing herself that wasn’t a possibility and she didn’t need the false hope. “I doubt it.”

  “It happens. I should know, remember?”

  “But you didn’t love him. That’s why you left him. Travis loves Kristen.”

  “Okay.” Jill stood and picked up the stack of books to sort them alphabetically. “Why didn’t you tell me you went out with Joe Kirkwood?”

  Gena’s cheeks felt hot and she ignored Jill’s chuckle. “It was no big deal. We went to a movie.”

  “And who asked who?”

  “I invited him. I was trying to—” she paused, shaking her head “—I was trying to make myself fall in love with someone other than Travis Ryan, I guess.”

  Jill laughed. “That’s pathetic. It didn’t work, did it?”

  “You know it didn’t.” Gena reached over and messed up the neat stack of books. “And I’m not pathetic.”

  “So, tell me about it.”

  She shrugged. “There’s not much to tell. We went to the movies and I spent the whole night thinking about Travis. Joe was pretty nice about it, though.”

  “He’s a sweet guy.”

  “So why couldn’t I fall in love with him? Why does it have to be a selfish, arrogant, uncaring jerk who is in love with a beautiful, big shot news anchor?”

  “Just lucky, I guess. How’s Mia taking this whole thing? Does she know how you feel about him?”

  Gena sighed. “She knows. And in her words—she thinks it sucks.”

  Jill laughed again. “Sorry. I know it’s not funny. Poor kid.”

  “I guess it’ll be better for her now. There can’t really be tension between her parents if her parents don’t see each other, right?”

  “Right. Hey, did I tell you the old bat’s leaving?”

  Gena almost fell out of her chair. “Mrs. Bright is retiring?”

  “Retiring?” Jill repeated with a snort. “She’s eighty-three years old. I think retirement has come and gone. But I don’t care. She’s leaving, and I’m going to be head librarian soon.”

  “Really? Did she tell you that?”

  Jill shrugged. “The trustees want to search for somebody, but who wants to move to this dinky town? I’ve worked here for years and I’ve been doing her work for most of it.”

  “Congratulations, hon.” Gena tried to pay attention as Jill went on and on about the promotion that was almost hers, but her mind strayed back to Travis—as it almost always did now.

  Somehow she didn’t think distance was going to be enough. So far, knowing he was three hours away in the arms of his fiancée had done nothing to ease the constant ache in her chest. She had tried to see things logically, with some amount of reason, but nothing helped.

  All she could do was hope time would slowly allow the pain to fade into a sad memory, just as it had done fifteen years ago.

  * * * * *

  Travis managed almost twenty-four hours before he reached for the phone.

  He wanted to hear her voice—craved the sound of it. It would be easy enough to call since Mia had programmed her number on the speed dial. Two buttons and he could talk to her.

  But what would he say to her? He didn’t want to give her the news of his broken engagement over the phone. Gena would only accept all or nothing—if anything—and he wasn’t quite ready to offer everything yet. He still had a few loose ends to tie up.

  Just a phone call, he thought. He could say hi and make some small talk before asking to speak to Mia. Even a few minutes would give him a chance to hear her voice and judge how angry she was. Maybe there would be a hint of longing and he would know he hadn’t lost her completely.

  Before he could change his mind he turned the phone on and punched the buttons. It rang three times before he heard Gena’s terse greeting on the other end.

  “Gena? It’s Travis.”

  He heard her quick intake of breath, then she was silent for what seemed like a long time, but was probably only seconds. “Mia already went to bed.”

  Short, abrupt—to the point. His heart sank at the total lack of warmth in her voice. “How is she?”

  “She’s fine. She misses you and she’ll be sorry to hear you called so late.”

  “How are you?”

  She was quiet again, then she said in a too polite voice, “I’m fine, thank you.”

  He could feel the cold shoulder even over the telephone line and it scared him. Had the scene with Kristen really been the last straw? He wouldn’t—couldn’t—believe that. “I—I just wanted…I called to see how everything was going, and…”

  “Everything’s fine. It’s late, Travis, so I’ll tell Mia you called and she’ll call you back when she can.”

  “Wait—” he wasn’t ready to let her go yet “—I miss you, Gena.”r />
  Her hesitation this time was so long he wondered if she was just going to pretend he hadn’t said it. Then he heard the soft click of the line being disconnected and understood. She was gone.

  Travis turned off the phone and sank back against the couch. He had lost her. With a vicious curse he flung the phone against the wall, then covered his face with his hands.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Gena screamed when a body flew past her and landed in the giant pile of leaves she had gathered on the front lawn. With her heart hammering in her chest she reached her foot out and kicked the body in the butt.

  “Mia Dawn Taylor! I spent all afternoon raking those leaves.”

  A giggle emerged from the pile, then her daughter sat up, bright autumn leaves clinging to her hair and blue Nordic sweater. “And I worked hard at school all day. Come on—”

  Before Gena could react, Mia grabbed her arm and pulled her down into the pile next to her. She struggled, weak from laughter, and finally managed to sit up, looking as colorful as her daughter.

  They laughed together while Gena picked leaves out of their hair. “How was school today?”

  “Good.”

  “That’s it? Just good?” Gena heard the underlying tension in her voice and frowned. “Come on—what’s bothering you?”

  “Dad called last night.”

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah…I guess.”

  They both flopped back and stared at the sky, just as they had done when Mia was a little girl. Gena was silent, knowing Mia would tell her mother what was wrong in her own good time.

  And Mia would also pass on any information she needed to know. Like the fact that he was very busy, and that’s why he hadn’t been up for three weeks. Like the fact that he had initiated the paperwork to change Mia’s name to Mia Dawn Taylor-Ryan, an action she wasn’t entirely on board with yet, but her daughter wanted. She tried to tell herself it was good—communicating through Mia was hard on the family, but healthy for herself.

  She did miss him, though. So much that the heavy ache in her heart was constant now, but she knew she could live with it. She had lived with it.

  She didn’t need anybody to tell her the obvious. Kristen had convinced him it was time to go home and play the dutiful husband-to-be, and he had gone. A little over three weeks ago, and she had felt every day of it like a century in her heart.

  She didn’t want him back in her life—didn’t think she could survive it—but not having him was almost as hard. She hadn’t even heard his voice since the night he called and she hung up on him. The morning after she had installed a separate phone line in Mia’s room. If she was home she could talk to him, if not he could leave her a message. Gena never had to speak to him.

  If only she could get him out of her mind as easily. Over and over again she replayed the night of the recital. His arm draped casually around her shoulders, the feel of her hand in his…the way he and Mia had looked at her at the pizza counter and their laughter in the van.

  She missed him, and she hated herself for it. But there was no magic product made that could scrub him out of her memory, so she just tried to soldier on, dealing with Mia and her cheerleading and piano practices. There was the onslaught of leaf-peepers—the tourists who flocked north to see the White Mountains in full fall splendor—to tend to.

  “You’re still in love with him, aren’t you?” Mia asked softly.

  Gena lifted a handful of leaves and let them fly away in the light breeze. “It doesn’t go away that easily.”

  Mia rolled and propped her head on her hand so she could look down at her mother. “I’m sorry if I pushed it.”

  “I told you before it wasn’t you. It just happened. So what did he say on the phone?”

  Mia flopped back into the leaves. “He’s got some kind of legal stuff to do, so he doesn’t know when he’ll be able to come. He said he will as soon as he can.”

  “Legal stuff?” The custody kind of legal stuff? Suddenly it was hard to breathe. “Did he say what kind?”

  “Something to do with his practice, I think. I really miss him a lot.”

  No matter how much she cursed him as a man, Gena knew Travis wasn’t the kind of father who would abandon his daughter. “He’ll be here soon, sweetie. Your father loves you very much, and he won’t let how I feel about him keep him away from you, if that’s what you’re thinking.”

  “I know.” Mia sighed and sat up. “It just would have been so nice if he had fallen in love with you, too.”

  Gena turned her face away and bit hard on her lip. It was too painful—too fresh—to talk about, and she didn’t want to discuss her broken heart with anybody, even her daughter.

  Above all, she didn’t want to speak badly of Mia’s father. He was a good dad, and Mia loved him. That was a separate issue, and she didn’t want her feelings about Travis to influence their daughter.

  “Well, he didn’t,” she said finally. “And that’s that. So what are your plans for the evening? After homework and piano, of course.”

  “If you want I’ll babysit the guests tonight. Why don’t you call Jill and see if she wants to go out.”

  Gena laughed and slapped Mia’s leg. “Don’t let them hear you say that. And you’re not staying alone in the house with the guests until you’re older. Like thirty. Now let’s bag up these leaves you made a mess out of.”

  Maybe she should ask Donna to cover for her. It would do her good to get out of the house. Jill was always good for a laugh, and she desperately needed one. Maybe she’d even meet somebody else.

  There is nobody else. Her heart had long ago decided it belonged to Travis Ryan, for better or for worse. It was too bad it had turned out to be for the worse.

  * * * * *

  Travis turned off the highway exit and patted his pocket for the hundredth time since he left Boston. It was still there.

  He felt as nervous as he had on that first drive up after meeting Mia—wondering what he should say and hoping he would be enough. Only this time it wasn’t his daughter he was concerned about.

  Although it was only ten o’clock, the town was almost deserted, and it felt eerie to a guy who had lived in Boston for so many years. He’d already begun falling back into the small town rhythm during his visits each week, but now he’d have to fully embrace is as this would be his home.

  If she’ll have me. He tried to push that thought away. She had to, or he had no idea how he was going to live the rest of his life.

  He pulled into McDonald’s and ordered a burger and a coffee, which he sat at a picnic table to eat. The night was growing colder, but he needed the fresh air to calm his nerves.

  It had taken almost a month to finalize all the arrangements that needed to be made. He sold his apartment and most of his furnishings. He found a therapist to take over his practice and walked him through the initial two weeks. Then there were contacts in New Hampshire to be made and reams of legal documents to fill out. Real estate forms, loan forms, legal documents to transfer his practice, application forms, rental forms. He didn’t think he’d ever signed his name so many times in a year, never mind a month.

  The only one he hadn’t complained about was the document that would lead to his daughter having his name. He had asked Mia, but hadn’t asked Gena because Mia said she still wouldn’t speak to him. But she had signed the documents with no fuss and it would be finalized soon.

  He realized he had missed Mia more than he ever thought it possible to miss another person. He missed Gena, too—so much his heart ached with it—but without Mia he felt as if a part of himself was gone.

  They didn’t know he was coming. He couldn’t say anything to Gena. When he offered himself to her it had to be freely, with nothing tying him down—calling him back to Boston. He thought that was the only way she might believe he truly meant what he was going to say to her.

  And he hadn’t told Mia for two reasons. Mostly he didn’t want her to tell Gena, giving her the opportunity to turn him
down before he even got the chance to try. And he didn’t want to get Mia’s hopes up, only to have them dashed.

  He loved them both—needed them both—and now he was ready to give them what they needed from him.

  So, get off your butt and go see them. He threw the empty hamburger wrapper away and got in his truck. After taking a few more sips of the coffee, he started the ignition.

  In a few minutes he would know whether the last month of work had been in vain. He patted his pocket again for good luck and put the truck in gear.

  * * * * *

  Gena heard the truck as it came up the hill and dropped the book in her lap. It sounded like Travis’s truck and she cursed herself for a fool. How many times in the last month had she thought she heard his truck? She even heard it in her sleep.

  But this time it pulled into the driveway. She threw off the covers and ran to her window, her pulse quickening. Pulling back the curtain, she looked down and saw Travis’s truck.

  Don’t be an idiot, she told herself. He was there to see Mia, and that was the only reason. If she stayed in her room he probably wouldn’t even ask about her.

  He was getting out and she drank in the sight of him like a woman dying of thirst. She pressed her fingertips to the glass, her lips silently forming his name. Inhaling deeply, she felt a sharp pang of loss for the love she couldn’t have.

  Then she noticed he had a bundle of roses in his hand. And the back of his truck was mounded high and covered with a tarp, and it was hooked to a small U-Haul trailer. What is he doing?

  He looked up, and she felt his blue gaze touch hers. She rested her forehead on the window pane and closed her eyes for a second, wondering if maybe she was seeing things—having a dream she didn’t want to wake up from.

  She opened them and he was still there, looking up at her window as though she was Rapunzel in her tower. His mouth was moving, but she couldn’t hear him.

  With trembling fingers she fumbled at the window latch, then slid it up with a bang. It took her another second to open the screen, then she stuck her head through the window.