Pride Over Pity

by Lowry, Kailyn

  If I made a bad choice and it was caught on film, I was sure to expect a backlash. Why did you do that, Kail? Are you stupid? Why are you so crazy? I didn’t want to start getting so defensive online and answer the monsters. I had to grow tougher skin so I could learn to fight back in a positive way. I couldn’t let the negative outweigh the positive.

  Being on Teen Mom 2 is like having home videos on a major television network. I wasn’t frantically grabbing for a video camera or my phone to capture first moments or a birthday. Of course I documented these moments myself, but I also knew I had professionals doing it. Hopefully, some day when Isaac is older and watches the show he will see my constant, thriving need for pride over pity. He’s already impressed by his cameos, so wait until he comprehends things more. The show is very sentimental and special to me in that sense.

  I’m glad I was able to touch people in a positive light. Sometimes the dark side seems to overshadow anything that beams a little brightness, but I try to live in the crevices filled with light. I’ve had a lot of people tell me they’re thinking twice before having sex, waiting to have children, and going back to school. My wrong decisions may not have always played out in my best interest but they’re experiences others can look to. The opportunities I have had along the way to have a positive impact on the world have been amazing. I’ve met influential people who have helped me to become part of something bigger than myself. For example, Jeff Parshley and Adam Bouska founders of the NOH8 Campaign, which promotes same sex marriage equality, have created a special silent protest that I participated in.

  I’m happier than I’ve ever been and that’s how I want to be seen. I’ve conquered so much. Sadly, I feel like the Season 4 reunion episode didn’t reflect that. The environment was claustrophobic and stuffy. I was frustrated because I felt pressured to meet Jo’s girlfriend on stage. I felt like I was being pushed into a corner and my words and feelings were misunderstood.

  I did not want a confrontation. It didn’t need to change because I didn’t care about the relationship. Everyone is entitled to his or her own feelings so why couldn’t I just be left alone? I was portrayed as a jealous, psycho ex. I felt I had been manipulated and it annoyed me to the point where I had to get up to leave the set for breathing room. Filming reunion shows is stressful and emotional enough. This was too much for me. I didn’t need anyone to play devil’s advocate. I already felt enough pressure from this nonexistent relationship I had with Jo’s girlfriend. There was too much judgment of my feelings and not enough consideration of the source of those emotions. From the outside it appeared I was just jealous of her for no reason. The show didn’t portray her smoking weed or drinking, the way I thought it appeared online. Although Jo denied that she did, that was the reason I held animosity toward her. I just want people to understand that these perceptions of mine were the real reason I had for not liking her or wanting her in Isaac’s life.

  Believe me, there were opinions galore swirling around. I understand how easy it is to get so invested in people who appear on reality television shows. That’s why so many opinions were thrown at me regarding the way I treated Jo’s girlfriend or any of my other actions that got people riled up. It was definitely weird to gain all that attention, considering I wasn’t used to any at all. Looking back and taking the experience as a whole, I can’t view it without mentioning the overwhelming attention.

  Maybe I was naïve to not realize how things could skyrocket out of control. I didn’t believe I would receive the same sensationalism that some of the other teen mothers had. I thought I would somehow be immune to our culture’s obsession with reality TV. I started picking up on certain usernames online who frequently posted about me claiming to know every little detail. It’s sort of annoying to have all these facts I didn’t even know about myself spilled out from strangers. My favorite color is yellow? No, I believe you might be wrong on that. How do I know? Well, I kind of know Kail.

  Even the people who think they know me better than I know myself aren’t as bad as the ones who creep on me in public. I don’t mind if someone wants a picture or wants to say hi. I’m okay with being approached as long as it’s done in a polite manner. It’s really sweet and flattering when I hear I’ve done something that has changed a person’s thought process. I really do enjoy meeting new people but I don’t like to see stalker-like photos of me surfacing on the Internet. There’s a super stealth shot that exists of me chowing down at Applebee’s. (Oh, yeah. Half price appetizers! Who doesn’t get excited for that?) As much as I love discounted food, I don’t want to see a picture of me with a mouthful of potato or something. I’m not a spectacle.

  If anything, I’m an example. I’m a bad example. Kids, don’t be like me! The reason I’ve owned up to my mistakes so earnestly in public is to teach others a lesson. Don’t follow in my footsteps. I’m not saying I’m some incredible role model. I’m telling you to learn from the hardships others are so willing to give you. There’s nothing easy about being a young mother. We are not financially set at all. MTV didn’t set us up with never ending bank accounts or blank checks. They gave us airtime and, yes, with my paycheck I was able to pay bills and get a leg up, but I’m not a millionaire or even close to it.

  I hope my journey through the trials and tribulations of motherhood have been an inspiration to others who may be facing similar problems. Showing the harsh realities on television to viewers was even more difficult in the long run. I hope somewhere along the way I have inspired someone to make better decisions. That’s all I can really ask for.

  Ultimately, there’s only one message that really matters: always practice safe sex. Use condoms. Use multiple forms of birth control. Wait to have sex. Why rush into something you’re probably not ready for? Sex is for adults. As much as sex is glorified in our culture through music and all forms of media, it’s not everything. I had to learn this the wrong way. I wish I hadn’t looked for love in the wrong places. I wish everything could be different. But wishing doesn’t get you anywhere.

  Unfortunately, there are no second chances. The consequences of my mistakes were shown on television and my reactions, good and bad, were broadcast for the entire world to see and judge. Would I change anything? If there were second chances, of course I would alter certain aspects of the television experience and possibly the way I handled things. But I regret nothing. Life is all about learning. Since I can’t change the past, I’ll tightly grasp onto the lessons for the future.

  Chapter 21

  Chocolate Wasted

  Jaeger bombs, margarita pitchers, random make-out partners, and flavored vodka are all typical twenty-first birthday party favors. Shots! Shots! Shots! I can already see the douchey Jersey fists pumping in the air. I guess I could have found a club to party and get hammered at. I could have made bad decisions with my friends, but I have a number of good reasons why I didn’t. I don’t have anything against drinking, just the repercussions of how the user deals with the substance. Can you blame me, though? I’ve seen what can happen when you’re addicted to alcohol. I am afraid the same addiction runs through my blood.

  It was so nice to see Chelsea’s birthday celebration for her twenty-first. She looked happy on television and I’m glad MTV was able to capture a normal day in a teen mom’s life. I’m also relieved that, due to the fact that we weren’t signed on for another season at that point, they weren’t able to film my big milestone birthday. Actually there wasn’t much to see. I hung out in my pajamas all night at home. A little Ben and Jerry’s and old TV reruns were as thrilling as it got for me on the big two-one. I had a special birthday dinner but that was the extent of my wild night out.

  Behind the scenes

  It’s hard to say if circumstances had been different, would I have gone out and partied hard. Maybe a couple girly cocktails here and there but I highly doubt I would have gotten trashed and tried to dance on the bar Coyote Ugly style. I’m more of a homebody. As a mom, it’s a rarity to get a relaxing night at home on the couch. I wou
ldn’t trade that peace for a rowdy, loud time at a bar for anything.

  I don’t know if that part of me will ever change. I can legally drink now whenever I please. I can go buy a six-pack of beer or a bottle of wine from the liquor store. I can walk into a bar and order whatever I want, but the new freedom doesn’t really appeal to me all that much. Plus, there’s no age limit to when you can stop doing these things. I have my entire life to drink. Why rush it?

  Once Javi and I move to the military base, I know I won’t be going out much either. Primarily, my obligations are to my family. I’ve got them to look after. Plus, I don’t know if I’ll feel comfortable with having a stranger watch Isaac. Leaving your children with a babysitter is handing over trust to another person to be their protector and caregiver. Once we move, I won’t know anyone well enough to entrust with that huge responsibility. When and if the opportunity comes my way, I’ll probably take it. I’ve just never been so crazy about the drinking experience or more specifically, the bar scene. Growing up with a mother who worked as a bartender and who spent a lot of her time hanging out at them, makes the scene even less appealing to me. That’s where I fall short in relating to people my age. As a young person in her early twenties, bars and clubs are where I’m supposed to be hanging out, but for me being a mother comes before partying. It’s unfortunate because I do consider myself to be a social person.

  On the other hand, hanging out and keeping friendships afloat hasn’t been my forte either. I’ve lost a ton of people along the way, but I’ve also gained friendships around the country. It’s fun to know people in different states, but it means fewer friends you can call on to hang out with over the weekend. The struggle to maintain friendships is even more of a challenge now that I am a young adult and living a fast-paced, grown up life. Living in two different worlds has become a barrier between myself and everyone else my age. My plans for a Friday night typically consists of a movie and some dinner, while for most people my age the normal idea is to go out, buy a couple of mixed drinks, and mingle with members of the opposite sex. Or the same sex. Whatever floats your boat.

  I totally understand why that’s typical. Most young adults are single and not looking for anything serious. There are some young moms out there who want the chance to have their party time, too. Of course, I get why mothers want to go out, let loose, and have fun. It’s just that I can’t do that spontaneously, or even sometimes when it’s planned out. Most mothers get to have their sunshine time to party and go wild. But when you’re a teen mom, you’re forced to grow up and give up many things in life that you otherwise would have had.

  I never went through a period of denial and destruction. From the moment Isaac became a part of me, I realized it was time to grow up. There wasn’t anything so terrible about that. My son means the world to me, so I’m okay with the sacrifices I have to make. My friends probably find the sacrifices admirable, but it doesn’t mean they fully understand how that affects my social life. Having a son changes the way a young adult functions.

  Jo does take Isaac for weekends and such, so I do get to shop and catch up with my friends. I’m not in complete isolation or close to it. On top of having a child, I’ve taken my relationship with Javi to a level of commitment most people my age aren’t ready for. Marriage seriously impacts how you go about your daily life. My decisions aren’t only based upon my needs and Isaac’s. Javi and I compromise and function as a single unit.

  Being married at a young age wasn’t much of a question considering I was already doing adult things. It just made perfect sense. When you’ve aged a decade but your skin doesn’t show it, you’re going to find yourself living in a different way. I’d rather go with nature then fight against it. Marriage has provided me with stability. It’s a dynamic that’s difficult to understand unless you’re part of it. As my old friends are out picking up guys and having fun, I’ve become less interesting to them. They just don’t come around anymore.

  If the opportunity arises to hang out, my current friends are either married or have children. We’re on the same level of thinking and our lives are similarly structured. I still like my friends that aren’t parents or married, but it’s hard to relate to them anymore. Going out is at the forefront of young adulthood. I can’t be part of that so it’s taken a toll on my social life. The worst part is not having the person I want to be around. With Javi in tech school, it’s even harder to want to be having fun. He’s the one I want to be out and about with.

  I guess what I’ve really been trying to take a stab at explaining is how fickle and phony friends can sometimes be. Friends are so hard to come by, let alone loyal, good ones. There always seems to be some extra motive or hidden personality trait that eventually rises to the surface. I’ve met people who I thought were cool because they were so nonchalant and casual. They acted like they didn’t care I was on TV, then a week or two later I’ll find out that it’s the exact opposite. Question after comment, it becomes clear that all they care about is the show. I usually end a conversation as soon as a “friend” brings up anything that involves Teen Mom 2. Why? I’m more than “the girl from Teen Mom 2.” I’m more than a girl who got pregnant and ended up on MTV.

  My cast mates are the only ones who can fully appreciate how it’s such a drag to be known like that. We are all regular people who don’t want to be treated like some gimmick. I’m grateful to have had these girls in my life. Watching the show, it’s pretty obvious all of us represent something different. That we can all surely agree on. Jenelle, Chelsea, and Leah all became part of my life in some crazy twist of fate. I don’t know if we’ll be friends for a little while or forever. I guess the test of the time will be the deciding factor.

  Gauging it so far, I believe Leah and I will probably be friends forever. We’ve only been growing closer and closer since the show began. Chelsea and I catch up once in a while via texts. As for Jenelle, I’ve done my best to encourage her and help her in any way I can. I wish her only the best and I hope she truly gets better. Jenelle is capable of doing great things. She’s a strong girl.

  As we try to keep each other informed of the events in our lives, small or large, we’ll always be tied together. It’s nice to know this whole, wild journey was collectively shared between us, even though we only seldom saw one another. For us, filming Teen Mom 2 was just a storytelling experience that became such an amazing opportunity to broadcast an important message to young girls.

  Chapter 22

  Baby in Her Belly

  I was pregnant again. Err . . . surprise? Well, it should have been! The gossip sites shouldn’t be applauded for snooping in. I had wanted to proudly announce my pregnancy myself, in my own time. I was one hundred percent ecstatically brimming with new life. This time around I was very, very excited! The birth of a baby is a blessing, and the blessing bestowed upon my family was nothing but pure joy.

  We attempted to keep the beautiful miracle a secret as long as possible. I delayed the announcement as long as I could in order to keep the media from swooping in. The pregnancy was the main reason I didn’t have even one drink on my birthday or why relating to my childless friends was becoming even harder. Being married and pregnant with my second child pushed me even further into an adult lifestyle, rather than the college one I would probably have otherwise been leading.

  In February of 2013, I had gone down to Texas to for Javi’s graduation. Even though he couldn’t leave base on Valentine’s Day, once we were able to have time alone, we consummated cupid’s holiday in a very loving fashion, the way sex is supposed to be. (It was a day later but it’s never too late to show your love!) Nothing had been planned. Javi and I had wanted to have children together down the line, but we had never set an exact time frame. Nevertheless, we weren’t opposed to the idea.

  It wasn’t long before the signs started adding up. I had been craving avocado and guacamole like crazy. I thought it was just a food craze I was going through. You know, the little obsessive stages where you’ll love a certa
in food for weeks. I didn’t necessarily link food phases to being pregnant, but my friend Toni, a mother of three, told me I should probably check into it. She wasn’t so convinced my cravings were normal. My period was due the following week, so I wasn’t completely sure if this was pregnancy cravings just yet, but I took her advice and grabbed a pregnancy test. Sure enough, within thirty seconds the stick turned positive.

  Since this was a happy pregnancy, I really wanted to share the good news with Javi in person. I wanted to wait until he was home from training to break the great news. But in the end, I really couldn’t contain myself, so I took to Skype with Isaac. His beaming face reminded me of all the reasons why I wanted to form a bigger family for him. I knew he was going to break into a fit of joy.

  “Mommy has a baby in her belly,” Isaac announced.

  Javi immediately cried. In between bouts of blissful tears, he managed to express his emotions. He was just as pleased as I was. It was easily one of the best moments ever. There was no questioning how we would do this. There were no questions regarding anything. I didn’t have to wonder if Javi would stick around. I didn’t have to go through all of the worry this time around. The man who loved Isaac so much was going to give him a sibling. We were forming our family.

  The easy part was over. The pregnancy was just beginning. Since every pregnancy is different, I didn’t know what to expect for round two. The first ten weeks were nearly unbearable. The fatigue and nausea kept me confined to my bed for a majority of the day. Not having Javi around made it tougher. I didn’t have someone to share the happy moments with or to turn to for support. Obviously, no situation is totally ideal, but I wish Javi could have been around for the early stages.