Pride Over Pity

by Lowry, Kailyn

  I also wished I was in better shape. At five months, I was already twenty-five pounds heavier than I was when I was at that point in my pregnancy with Isaac. In that sense, I knew the weight loss and keeping myself on track would be harder post pregnancy. But overall, my main focus was on maintaining a healthy body for my baby. Fat or thin was no longer the image I concentrated on. Whatever healthy looked like, that’s what I wanted.

  My finances and living situation were a hundred times more stable than when I was pregnant with Isaac. Without the anxiety, I now had real choices in how I wanted the pregnancy and birth to go. I wanted to take advantage of the fact that I had time to look into options. I was interested in water birthing and birthing centers in the area. I decided this time I would use cloth diapers to go the reusable route and be environmentally friendly. They’re also more economical. The cost of disposable diapers adds up fast since you go through them like water.

  But, the idea I became quickly obsessed with was dehydrating the placenta to encapsulate and eventually ingest. That disgusting, slimy, organ is controversial, considering it doesn’t always work for everyone, but I read that there are many potential benefits, such as increased milk production and energy. It also can help balance hormones and replenish iron levels. I decided to test it out myself to see if I could feel the difference. It’s totally natural! And cannibalism was the farthest topic from my mind.

  I kept one decision from Isaac’s birth. Javi and I talked about names, but I remained firm on my decision to not find out the gender until birth. Gender doesn’t matter. Healthy matters. I wanted to have a fully developed, healthy baby. You can’t ask for anything more. That didn’t stop Javi and me from being creative, though. All of our ideas for names were very unique. There was no Thatcher or Rain to represent the hippie category, but we definitely wanted to beat out Chris Martin. Maybe Apple or Moses? The latter would have been a little ironic on my part, considering my atheism.

  Chapter 23

  MilSo Life

  On top of taking care of a toddler and being pregnant with my second child, I piled more onto my plate by working as a dental assistant. I had to continue to pursue a career and, for now, this was how I had chosen to pay the bills. I enjoyed what I was doing for the time being. There’s a sense of pride to utilizing your training and schooling to pave your own way. Did I believe being a dental assistant was my true calling? No. It felt like a bridge. Eventually I would cross over into something I was much more passionate about. I just needed to figure out what that would be.

  It was hard to be planning to return to school or to figure out what my career would be, when our future was dependent on where Javi would be stationed first. My stomach nearly dropped out of my body once we received the announcement in early spring of 2013. We were moving to . . . Kansas. Kansas? Out of all the possibilities, I wasn’t expecting to be placed in the middle of nowhere. Obviously, you have to be flexible and prepared to be living far from home, but I had assumed that “far from home” would be someplace like Texas, California, or Florida. I never thought Kansas.

  My initial reaction was tears. I bawled my eyes out for a while as the list of drastic changes grew in my head. I had already changed so much to fit my surroundings, but this was moving to the next extreme. As much as I had zoomed around northeastern Pennsylvania, I’d never been anywhere else for too long. For the first time in my entire life, I’d be moving out of state.

  The shock only held for a little bit. I pulled myself together and began making plans for our new life. I had a friend out in Kansas who graciously helped Javi and me search for a house, but more importantly she provided a sense of stability. I wouldn’t be totally alone in terms of friendship. House hunting with help wasn’t as challenging as the other looming problem. I immediately filed a petition with my lawyer in order to make it possible for Isaac to move to Kansas with me. I was afraid of a big showdown for custody, and by no means was I going to purposely poke the bear. I crossed my fingers for smooth sailing with custody negotiations.

  A month passed by quickly without much progress. I was starting to panic as it looked like Javi and I would have to live apart until custody could be properly arranged. Sadly, that was looking at it positively. Three days before Javi was due to report in Kansas, I was working on a client and noticed he was blowing up my phone up. I was worried there was something wrong, but I couldn’t answer. Javi drove down to my office to dispatch the news in person. His orders had been diverted from Kansas to Delaware. I cried for joy among the dental tools. We were now moving to Dover, Delaware, a mere two hours from home. Goodbye Dorothy and Toto. We’re not in Kansas anymore.

  I was so grateful for the sudden shift in plans. Not everyone is gifted a short move. And as a military wife, it is my duty to be supportive and flexible to meet the tough lifestyle. Moving around was a part of my childhood, so changing military bases every so often wouldn’t feel too unfamiliar. Even as I kept a positive attitude, I was still a little afraid to leave my chosen family behind. There would be no more texting them to meet up in a few minutes.

  Immediately, Javi moved down to Dover but since it was so close we were able to see each other on weekends, another benefit of the drivable distance to Pennsylvania. There would be no vicious court battle for custody. I was really starting to relax into the idea of Delaware as we planned our future. The following months were dedicated to finding a house, a permanent residence, in our new town.

  Dover isn’t the most happening place in the world, but to me it was the most exciting location ever. I was so happy to have the three most important people in the world with me to begin the journey. Javi, Isaac, and the baby are my world. This was a chance for us to be a whole family. The prospects are so bright. Javi has kicked off a new life, flourishing with opportunities for all of us. Isaac will be able to grow up having so much more than I ever did. The baby will have an absolutely clean slate, never having been included in the Pennsylvania part of my life. There will be no more getting through things and just scraping by. Adjusting to a new place takes time, but I would have plenty to keep me busy. Another incentive was finally making friends with others in my situation. Getting to know some other MilSo (Military Significant Others) would definitely help the transition.

  Chapter 24

  Moving On Out

  Delaware called loudly for our attention. Under the extreme stress of such a big move, I began gathering every hectic part of our lives—prioritizing and crossing the crazy off the list. I tackled the tedious process of labeling boxes and tossing out unnecessary items. The list of to dos weighed me down and the hot summer sun took a toll on my pregnant body. I couldn’t wait to be living under one roof with my family instead of the hodgepodge lifestyle we currently had of Javi living in a fluorescent-lit hotel and me a state away.

  The separation was wasn’t even the worst part. I had been living out of boxes for months to try and hold out on fully moving. It wasn’t hesitation. I was hoping we’d score a court date soon so Jo and I could work out a more feasible custody agreement, one where we weren’t driving back and forth so much. I felt like the judge wouldn’t be likely to grant us anything if we’d already moved. Javi thought I wasn’t moving because I wanted to keep working at my job, but really I was just stalling. I was worrying myself to death each day, picking through the mail, hoping to come across good news. If Javi and I were forced to keep living apart, how would our marriage work? It wouldn’t.

  Finally, I got the letter for which I had been so anxiously waiting. October. It would be that long before we could see the judge for a pretrial hearing. October was still months away, so I decided, now that we had at least received a court date, it was time to join my husband and reunite my little family. In August, I packed up the last of my belongings and headed south to fully settle into our new home. The completeness I felt leaving the empty house in Pennsylvania signaled I was close to closure and a fresh beginning. I truly believed that the moment I stood in front of my new home in Delaware. The i
mmeasurable excitement took control of my body as I gazed at the oversized front lawn, imagining Isaac running around in the even bigger backyard. The new space provided a real start for our family. I couldn’t believe this modest, two-story home, complete with trees and shrubbery, was mine. The white picket fence didn’t come included, thankfully—that would have been just a tad too traditional for me.

  It didn’t take long to feel comfortable in our new home. Painting the generic white walls and placing photos and personal touches around created a sense of warmth. Of course our new home didn’t replace the family and friends we were missing, but I knew it was going to take some time to get used to the idea of not being able to see them on a moment’s notice. My main priority was Isaac. I needed to make sure we helped him assimilate to his new environment. He had already moved around so much, but this was a much more permanent situation and I wanted to make sure we settled him in properly.

  We signed up Isaac up for swimming lessons on Tuesdays to provide a sense of structure and normalcy. My dream of becoming a soccer mom (minus the minivan) flourished. Saturdays out on the green grass, where Javi shared his love of soccer with Isaac, balanced some quality family time into the equation. The only complication in this new schedule for us all was the weekly two-hour drive back to Pennsylvania to bring Isaac to Jo, especially since my belly being in oversize mode prevented me from doing it myself.

  If I hadn’t been pregnant, adjusting to our new life in Delaware wouldn’t have been so challenging. That’s life, though. There will be a calm before the storm and then a full-fledged hurricane at the worst of times. This hurricane happened to barreling down on us at the busiest moment imaginable. Moving, planning a wedding, preparing for a baby, dealing with pregnancy sickness, and uprooting a toddler all meshed into a cyclone of worry and anxiety. It was worth it once the moving was over, but as anyone who has ever moved can tell you, it can be one of the most stressful events a person can go through.

  Weddings fall into that category, too. The planning, especially the financial aspect, was such a heavy weight on my shoulders. Javi couldn’t help much with the planning, which was completely fine, but doing it alone felt like every little accomplishment I checked off the list barely made a dent. I had started to plan the wedding before I got pregnant. This became problematic as I had already picked out my dress and had envisioned myself being thin and fit as I walked down the aisle. Now I would be sporting a large bump, which meant I would have to get my dress altered or find a new one altogether. On top of that, finances were kicking the crap out of Javi and me. Leading up to Delaware, he was living in a hotel and I was still paying rent and utilities. While the additional financial strain of planning a wedding was an expected challenge, the fun parts like planning the bachelorette party were proving to be difficult as well. Coordinating an outing for my bridesmaid party was starting to feel like the equivalent of making down payments.

  My bridesmaids came from different circles, so uniting these pieces of my life as a surprise was too difficult for my maid of honor. Christina Pietrobon, aka Peach, had gone to high school with Javi and, even though we only became close while he was at basic military training, it only seemed natural for her to fit the role of being my right hand in the wedding. Aria was my original MOH but since we had not been on good terms for the past eight months, I had already chosen Peach. Instead Aria was a bridesmaid and having her back in my life at such a significant moment completed the circle of our friendship. Kimberley Beall, Genesis Cordova (Javi’s cousin), Lidia Marroquin (Javi’s sister), and Alecia Aungst were my other bridesmaids. It felt right to have Javi’s family be part of my bridal party. After all, in many ways, it wasn’t just Javi I was marrying.

  Peach attempted to surprise me with a fun mini road trip for the bachelorette party. Picture glorious mountains and really getting away from the annoyances in your daily routine, and that’s where we were headed. Her efforts were valiant, however, due to conflicting schedules, there were only four of us heading up to Mount Airy, a little casino up in the Poconos. The scenic view from the casino of the clear water and grassy pastures was nice enough, but we had another view in mind. Thunder From Down Under was our destination for the evening. In a nutshell, it’s a bunch of bronzed, half-naked Australian men prancing around, gyrating, and essentially stripping. Javi’s bachelor party went the manly route—football, beer, and a strip club. From what I know, they had a great time. How can you go wrong with dollar bills and scantily clad women?

  These milestones are more meaningful for me considering I had missed so many along the way. That’s why it was so important to me that Javi and I have a celebration of our marriage. It was a public way of solidifying what we have. Marriage brought the three of us together and molded us into a family. Even though my take on marriage is simple and nothing too far out of the box, I wasn’t about to be boring or too traditional either.

  Chapter 25

  State of Love and Trust

  September 21, 2013

  The dress hugged my hips and flowed down like waves rolling onto the shore. The lump in my throat wasn’t from nerves. It was from pure excitement. The day had finally arrived where wearing the white lace dress with subtle floral lining didn’t revolve around a dress up game or fantasizing about marriage. This was the real deal here.

  The anxiety I felt during the first few hours of preparing myself for a smooth ride down the aisle had nothing to do with cold feet. In fact, my feet were incredibly warm and ready for the walk down the aisle to my two favorite people on this earth. The fast pumping of my blood and heart palpitations had more to do with the crazy energy around me. My wedding party bounced around me effortlessly, pushing a pin in my hair or beating a barely perceptible wrinkle out of my dress. There were at least twenty heads swimming around my room.

  The camera crew’s sincere effort to remain inconspicuous failed. Since this wasn’t a regular day of shooting, there was so much more to the production. Think extra hands, lights, large HD cameras, and total chaos. On top of transforming my wedding venue into something resembling a movie studio set, there was a new director who had to have been feeling the pressure. The director wanted me to stick to a certain schedule, but my mind wasn’t cemented to time blocks and place markers. I wanted to really enjoy the moment and soak in every detail of the day.

  While the MTV crew was trying to do their job, I positioned myself in one frame of mind: go with the flow, not a schedule. I had already cooperated by allowing MTV to hire my photographer in order to ensure I had no ability to sell my wedding day photos. These little things that may have killed someone else’s wedding plans didn’t affect me. The real reason behind a more extravagant celebration of our marriage was to show the way we truly feel about each other in front of our friends and family. Our ups and down have been televised for everyone to witness. Now, we wanted to have the opportunity to share in a positive day of love and happiness. The other important reason was to solidify our family and our love. Any anxiety I felt throughout the day disappeared once I saw Javi and Isaac waiting for me.

  Sadly, many members of my own family were not present in the flesh on my big day. My two cousins, Jen and Candy, unfortunately couldn’t make it. They were originally supposed to accompany me down the aisle, but due to unforeseen circumstances plans had to be changed. Carly and Kaylie and my Aunt Beth were present, though, and my mom’s best friend was there, too. It was important to me for her to be present. She was family.

  The Camden Aquarium in New Jersey magically set the scene with its stunningly beautiful environment. The whirlwind of emotions and thoughts halted as I saw Javi waiting for me and beaming so brightly. My eyes darted and stuck to my little boy. I hadn’t seen him all day and the separation had brought up emotions I wasn’t prepared for. I felt such a strong tug at my heart. I loved him so much. Isaac’s tux was complete with a grey dress coat and purple vest. My little man looked dapper among the many groomsmen. He is my everything and will be forever. That’s why Isaac escorted
me down the aisle to my husband.

  His small hand engulfed in mine reminded me we were in this together. My eyes couldn’t contain the tears any longer. I was so, genuinely happy. Isaac couldn’t equate bawling and joy together, but his confusion subsided as we met Javi at the front of the ceremony. His hands met mine, warming up my cold nerves. Isaac joined us and held our hands. “You listen to her,” he said to us, referring to the Justice of the Peace. Javi and I grinned at how adorable, yet demanding he was. Although small in stature, Isaac’s presence was made up for in personality. His little comments here and there put an even wider smile on my face. Isaac stood by my side throughout the ceremony. It’s where he belonged because he is my heart and soul.

  We ended the ceremony with our own personal touch. Javi, Isaac, and I each poured various colored sand into one container. As the colors mixed, our unity was symbolized. Together, we were now officially one. I didn’t see this day as a celebration solely for Javi and me. It was for all of us. Every few minutes I received a compliment on the venue and the food. I wanted the night to be enjoyable for everyone, not just myself. Through all the tribulations, the wedding had come together as a night to remember. I really felt like a land mermaid, surrounded by fish while reaping the perks of a human life.

  I had Isaac by my side for the majority of the night. I had expected him to grow bored or maybe become a little sleepy, but he never got cranky, cried, or did anything negative. He was the definition of perfection. Javi was perfect too, of course.

  “We should get married again,” Isaac’s excited voice reminded me of the beautiful future we would have together. “It was SO fun!”

  “1,000 Years” by Christina Perri played over and over in my head as the image of Javi and me sharing our first dance together collided with the sound.