Love and Decay

by Rachel Higginson

  Even for my life, the scenery over the past few weeks had been heavily on the desolate side. We’d stayed with Diego and gathered our strength and muscle again. After our Colombia exodus, we had been road-ravaged and beyond exhausted. Diego’s had been a safe haven of sorts.

  For the first time in our lives, we didn’t have to worry about the constant threat of Feeders invading our peace and destroying our happiness. Diego’s caging practices had given us relief from the insistent fight and rest from never-ending anxiety. It was nice.

  Just for a little bit.

  But it was also too easy to get sucked into the perks of it. And it was way too easy to forget that on a moral level, we didn’t agree with Diego.

  We were a kill or set free kind of people. We didn’t believe in capturing Zombies and using them for personal gain. We didn’t believe in manipulating the disease to our advantage and prolonging the Feeders’ suffering by forcing them to eat at our will.

  Even though Diego’s refuge had been near nirvana for us, we couldn’t stay there forever because of this. Despite his tempting invitation.

  I had to admit that even I had thought about it. After the last several months my determination to kill Matthias Allen had become somewhat muted. I needed energy again and my strength back. I needed a few weeks to wrap my head around the battle I was about to face and get my priorities in order. So while I didn’t agree with Diego’s methods, I did appreciate them for a short time. And nobody could argue that they weren’t successful.

  Except for maybe the Feeders…

  But we’d left the horde safely locked away in their prisons. We’d left the Territories behind too. We were back to being our small unit of family, scientists and Colombians. Plus a few temporary additions.

  Diego and a few of his men had decided to accompany us across the border. They wanted to check out the Colony for themselves. And I was pretty sure they were still making their argument for us to stick with them.

  My brothers were making the opposite argument. Hendrix and Nelson wanted Diego to join forces with Luke and work together to take out Matthias Allen.

  Diego argued that he didn’t care what happened to Matthias or the Colony as long as they didn’t interfere with the Territories. We countered that Matthias was already interfering with the Territories and it was only a matter of time before he tried to invade.

  Diego added that he had us to stop them.

  We reasoned that it would be easier to defeat Matthias if we had Diego’s armies on our side.

  This was the point of the conversation where Diego reminded us his armies fought better on home soil, so we should stay with him and fight Matthias away from the protection of the Colony cities and supplies.

  And then it started all over again.

  This had gone on for weeks. Reagan and my brothers had debated this with Diego almost constantly. And it never went anywhere. My family would never back down. And Diego was just as stubborn and set in his ways as we were.

  The problem was that we were right!

  He just didn’t’ see it yet.

  I was hoping once Diego met Luke, his opinion would change. But only time would tell and the closer we got to Luke’s base of operation, the more I doubted that Diego would stick around.

  At this point, though… it was hard for me to care what Diego decided. We were close now. So close. I could see America in the distance. I could make out the line of battered fence that once ran along the border between the two countries. I could feel the closeness of destiny… the ever-increasing weight of this mission I’d declared as my fate.

  Tingles shot down my arms as I looked at the sun again, waiting for it to dip closer to the horizon. Soon.

  Soon, I would step back into the country of my birth.

  Soon I would reclaim land that was intended to be free. Land that was meant to offer hope and purpose and liberty to all that stood on it and claimed it as theirs.

  Soon, I would risk my own freedom to fight for a people that deserved peace… deserved justice… deserved to live outside of tyranny and oppression.

  The American Dream, right??

  Or so I was told.

  I was too young to actually remember it, but that idea… those principles, spoke to me. They called to some deep, inner strength I didn’t know I had.

  But the people that lived there now had forgotten all of that. They’d given up those values to a dictator that gave them the illusion of safety in return for all of their hard work, possessions, dignity and freedom.

  So even trade, right?

  Wrong.

  I was going to remind them of those values… of those inherent principles. Or die trying.

  Hendrix had once taught me the Pledge of Allegiance. I cried. The words were so beautiful, so captivating. And I couldn’t believe that they had once been true.

  I was ten at the time and he’d found a picture of the American flag in a book. He showed me how to put my hand over my heart and then he said those incredible words, “One nation, under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.”

  Indivisible? Until the Zombies came.

  Liberty? Until the Colony took over and tyranny reigned.

  Justice for all? Justice for no one.

  Until now.

  This was our mission. This was our fate. We would bring America back to that glory. And if we couldn’t quite reach that high precipice, then we would do what we could. But one thing would be true, every man, woman and child would be free. Free to fight. Free to live.

  Free to… be.

  “What are you thinking about?”

  I turned to Miller and smiled even while I had to squint at the sun. He saw my struggle and stepped closer, casting his shadow over me. His hand skimmed over my shoulder, down my arm and to my hand where our fingers intertwined before either of us had made the conscious decision to move them.

  “Tonight,” I told him. “Crossing the border.”

  “You think you’re ready?” His dark eyes moved over me, taking in my renewed muscle and weight. We had all gotten pretty skinny over the last few months; it was nice to have some meat on my bones again.

  “I have to be.”

  His lips twitched. “That’s not exactly the answer I was hoping for.”

  I stared back at him, at this man that had once been a boy. His muscles bulged beneath the too-small sleeves of his t-shirt, his chest was chiseled beneath the same shirt, his legs full of power and speed, trapped behind worn, holey jeans. His dark hair tumbled in wild waves around his ears and collar and that unusually long scruff that covered his jaw begged for my fingers to touch. He was this incredible creature that had survived the very worst this world had thrown at him.

  And somehow… for some reason he liked me.

  I had told my brothers I didn’t want a commitment because I wanted things to go slowly. But the truth was Miller terrified me. He was too much. Too intense. Too compelling. Too alluring. Too male. Too dark. Too dangerous. Just… too…

  “Page,” he chuckled, low and deep… a rumble from the center of his chest. “Where do you keep disappearing to?”

  “Hmm?”

  His fingers tapped the underside of my chin. I looked up at him and that dark gaze held me in place. I couldn’t look away if I wanted to. “You’re lost in your head today.”

  “I have a lot to think about,” I answered defensively.

  “Luke?”

  The name jarred me out of the hypnotized stupor I’d fallen into. “What?”

  “Are you thinking about Luke?” Miller clarified.

  I had trouble making sense of his words. I’d been lost in thoughts of him and his lips and the dangerous emotions I felt burning through me whenever he was around. “Why would I be thinking about Luke?”

  He cocked his head, looking as confused as me. “You said you were thinking about crossing the border. I thought that meant you were actually thinking about seeing Luke again.”

  “No,” I laughed. “I was thinking abou
t actually crossing the border. I was imaging what it would be like to climb the fence tonight and step back onto American soil again.”

  His lips spread into an amused smile and I cherished the moment. He smiled so little… I couldn’t help but covet this smile. I had put it there… He looked like that because of me.

  “Of course you were,” he sighed.

  His words sent another jolt of defensiveness zinging through me. “What does that mean?”

  He leaned in, filling my senses with his scent… with his warmth. I wanted to wrap my arms around his neck and press my lips against his. Except my brothers were finally exiting the church, covered in dust and debris, and I did not want a repeat of their sex education class. Never again.

  “It means, Page Parker,” he started, wrapping his arms around my waist and taking the choice away from me. Not that I was complaining. My hands fell to his chest so I could enjoy the ripple of restrained strength hidden there. “It means that you can be a touch single-minded when it comes to assassinating my father. I’m not sure if I should be grateful or concerned.”

  I moved my hands over his chest and watched his eyes darken with the same primal fire I felt searing through me. “Concerned for me? Or Matthias?”

  “Maybe both,” he chuckled. “I’m obviously concerned for you. I hate this whole thing. But a small part of me wants to pity Matthias, too. He has no idea the judgment that is about to punch him in the face.”

  I tore my eyes from Miller’s chest and gave him my most serious stare. “In all honesty, I can’t wait to actually punch him in the face. I’ve been working my whole life for that exact moment.”

  Miller’s head tipped back and laughter exploded out of him. I laughed too, unable to not join the happy sound. It was beautiful.

  He was beautiful.

  His hands tightened around me, crushing me to his chest, even while he shook with laughter. I pressed my cheek against his heartbeat, loving the feel of him laughing against me. I blinked up at the hot sun and decided this was one of the most beautiful moments of my life.

  I had never felt like this before… I had never known you could feel like this before now!

  Miller reached into some hidden place inside of me and brought it to life. By just being near me I felt more alive… more meaningful… more important… like I had more inside me too. More energy. More happiness.

  More… of me.

  Of this person I was meant to be.

  Finally, Miller looked down at me again, enticing me to look back up at him. His lips brushed my forehead in a sweet, innocent kiss. “I’m pretty excited to punch him in the face, too. If we’re being honest.”

  “Oh, we are,” I nodded enthusiastically.

  His face dipped towards mine and I felt the brush of his nose as it caressed mine. I closed my eyes and prepared for the kiss that I knew would be epic. They always were.

  My tongue darted out to wet my bottom lip. A shiver ran down my spine. My fingers curled into his shirt, keeping him close, readying to hold on.

  And then…

  Nothing.

  Because just at that moment, Santi walked by spewing something very foul in Spanish. Miller’s entire body snapped straight.

  I was still trying to work out the exact details of what Santi was trying to imply, but Miller had already gotten it. He’d understood immediately.

  Which meant he already wanted to murder Santi while I was trying to figure out how that was even something couples did.

  “Stay here, Page,” he growled down at me.

  “Wait-”

  He ignored me. He stepped away and turned his back on me, keeping me safely tucked to his back. One of his long arms wrapped around my waist and the other prepared for war.

  “Be careful what you say, culo,” Miller snarled. “Or I’ll have to teach you how to be careful.”

  I peeked around Miller just in time to see Santi sneer arrogantly at us. He was flanked by his people and they did not like the way Miller spoke to him.

  “Santi-”

  Both of them spoke over me, but Miller’s voice boomed the loudest. “You’re jealous, street rat? Fine, be jealous. But the second you disrespect her, you have to deal with me.”

  Santi took a step forward. His people followed. “Maybe she doesn’t want to deal with you anymore than I do? Yeah?” Santi taunted. “Maybe she’s tired of your creepy ass stalking her all over the world.”

  “Look who’s talking, Colombian?” Miller laughed. “At least I’m headed home. Why did you come again?”

  Santi took another step forward. His shoulders had gone rigid and the look on his face should have been enough to kill- or at least inflict major bodily harm.

  People in our temporary camp started to notice the tension. My brothers left their families to walk over and see what was going on while their wives tucked their children behind them and out of the way.

  Diego also walked over, an amused grin stretching his freshly shaved face. He’d complained about being bored over the last few days while we waited for a good night to jump the fence. This would hopefully entertain him enough to keep him from whining about it.

  Although, not too entertained, since I wanted this idiocy to stop right now.

  Santi stepped closer. “Home to your loco papí? Home to find out just how messed up you are, American?”

  Miller’s body flexed and tensed with restrained fury. My stomach flipped knowing how close to an explosion he was. Santi wouldn’t stand a chance.

  He’d be smashed to pieces beneath Miller’s fists of fury.

  “Stop,” I shouted. “Santi, what’s wrong with you?”

  Santi leaned to the side so he could see me. “You’re serious, Page? You’re taking his side?”

  Frustration burned across my chest. “I’m not taking anyone’s side! This is ridiculous.”

  “Page, let it go,” Miller demanded.

  “You let it go,” I said to his back. His shoulder blades jumped in response.

  “Are you going to kidnap her too?” Santi pushed. “A little birdy once told me that’s how your family plays it. That’s what they have to do to get women.”

  Oh, shit.

  I looked helplessly at Hendrix, begging him to step in. He was three steps ahead of me. He held his hands up as he walked into the danger zone.

  On an upside, this was the best English I had ever heard from Santi. Apparently he hadn’t been giving it his one hundred and ten percent before today.

  I didn’t know whether to be irritated with that or impressed.

  On second thought, everything about him irritated me right now.

  Miller took a step forward, but I grabbed his wrist, foolishly thinking I could hold him back. He shook it roughly, dislodging me easily.

  “That’s annoying,” I said to no one in particular.

  “You don’t know shit,” he growled to Santi.

  “Miller, stand down,” Hendrix ordered.

  Santi grinned. “Yeah, Miller, stand down.”

  “Shut your goddamn mouth, gutter rat,” Miller countered.

  Santi leaned to the side to meet my gaze again. His expression was filled with rage and disbelief. His accent thickened again with his emotion. “This is who you want, Page? This maniac?”

  “What’s clear,” Miller cut in, “is that she doesn’t want you. It doesn’t even matter if she wants me instead. The most important part is that she’s over you. She doesn’t want anything to do with you. Ever again.”

  I opened my mouth to disagree, but then closed it quickly. It wasn’t a lie. I didn’t really want anything to do with Santi again in a romantic way. But I also didn’t want Miller to be the one to tell him that. I could speak for myself, thank you very much.

  I didn’t get the chance though. Instead of politely explaining to Santi that whatever little thing we had going was now at an end, all hell broke loose.

  Santi and Miller launched forward at the same time, colliding in the middle with fists, fury and determinatio
n. The smack of skin and muscle pounded through the air surrounded by shouts of those trying to break them up and those that were egging them on.

  I took a step back and tried to breathe through my own anger. I was frustrated with both boys. I was furious with Santi for starting this, for not being able to keep his stupid mouth shut. There had always been something between the two of them and Santi had never backed down or learned when to stay silent.

  But it was Miller that sucked up most of my emotions. Sure, I was mad at him. He should know better than to let Santi goad him. He should have realized Santi was trying to push every one of his buttons. But I was also confused.

  Just like that, Miller had snapped from overwhelming light to murky darkness. One of my favorite moments ever had been tainted by this ugliness.

  I couldn’t reconcile these two halves of Miller. I couldn’t find the light in this darkness. Just like seconds ago there were no traces of darkness in his blinding brightness.

  I stepped back when they rolled closer to me. Hendrix tried to jump in and he got elbowed in the nose. Blood spurted everywhere and my brother loosed curse words I hadn’t heard him speak in a very long time.

  I should have stayed until my brothers got this sorted out. I should have at least stuck around to see if they needed my help. But I couldn’t stomach it.

  And watching Miller give into that darkness he claimed he hated so much, made me question everything. If he hated it… if he fought to contain it so valiantly, then why was he rolling around in the dirt punching the living daylights out of one of our allies?

  I turned around and walked away.

  Maybe this was the reason I’d wanted to go slowly.

  Maybe I wasn’t as afraid of my emotions as I was of Miller’s.

  Chapter Two

  I found solace at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

  Just kidding. My brothers would have murdered me. But I was offered post-apocalyptic, moonshine tequila from one of Diego’s skeezy looking henchmen. The offer was complete with a wink, a slow slide of the tongue across his bottom lip and a catcall in Spanish.