So Much It Hurts

by Dawn, Melanie

  Cheerchick88: I’m here. Thanks for checking on me

  ChrisRocknRollKing: I was worried

  Cheerchick88: I know. I’m sorry. I just couldn’t go to school today

  ChrisRocknRollKing: What happened?

  Cheerchick88: Stomach bug

  ChrisRocknRollKing: I’m calling bullshit, but I understand if u don’t wanna tell me

  Cheerchick88: I’ll be back tomorrow

  ChrisRocknRollKing: Good ☺ See you then

  Cheerchick88: See ya later

  I logged out of instant messenger and shut down my computer, realizing I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get out of my bedroom before I completely shut down or lost my mind. I told my mom that I felt much better and had totally recuperated. I insisted that I needed to get out of the house for some fresh air. She eyed me suspiciously, but granted me permission to leave.

  I drove to Chris’s house later that evening. I didn’t know what he would think, or how he would react. Honestly, I didn’t even know what I would say. But at that moment, he was the only person I felt safe enough with to talk to. I couldn’t be sure that I would even tell him about what happened. I didn’t even want to think about it, much less discuss it. But I just needed to hang out with someone for a little while. Maybe hanging out with him would help get the past weekend off my mind.

  He was sitting on the front porch playing his guitar when I drove up. As soon as he saw my car pull into the driveway, he laid his guitar down and rushed over to open my car door. Gently, he pulled me out of the driver’s seat and hugged me. His little brother, who looked to be about ten years old, watched us while he dribbled a basketball under the goal in his driveway.

  “Hey,” his brother said, throwing a hand up to wave at me. I waved back, smiling through my tears.

  Chris pulled back to look me in the eyes. “I was worried I would never see you outside of school again,” he whispered.

  “I just needed to see you. I just wanted to talk,” I admitted.

  He hugged me tighter and wiped tears from my bloodshot eyes. “Wanna go inside and hang out?”

  “Sure.”

  He held me by the hand, led me into his house, and up the stairs to his bedroom. “Sorry. This is about the only private room in the house.”

  I looked around his room. Posters of musicians and famous bands hung on the walls. In one corner, a keyboard stood on a stand. Clothes and magazines littered his bedroom floor. His bed was unmade and the blankets were hanging crooked off the bed. Sheet music lay cluttered on his desk. “It’s okay. It’s perfect,” I said.

  “Sorry,” he apologized again as he tried to straighten his room a little.

  “Really, it’s okay…don’t worry about it,” I told him as I settled down on one corner of his bed.

  “All right,” he said as he plopped down on the bed beside me, “what did you want to talk to me about?”

  “Nothing specific. I just wanted to chill here for a while. I just needed to get out of my house.”

  “Okay,” he said, dragging out the word, suspicious of my cryptic explanation.

  Tears immediately filled my eyes. Regret filled my chest. Maybe I’d already said too much.

  Chris brushed a strand of hair from my face. “Go ahead. You can talk to me if you think it will help you.”

  “Well…” My voice trailed. Shit. I couldn’t do it.

  “Please, baby, talk to me,” Chris urged. He wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I flinched. Being alone in his bedroom with him, especially after knowing what he and any other male was capable of, I had a fleeting terror-stricken moment of panic. The look on my face must have given me away because Chris’s concerned look on his face said it all. “What’s the matter? Did I do something wrong?”

  “No.” I tried to keep my cool, but inside I was freaking the hell out. I needed air, space away from a man’s touch. I couldn’t take the suffocating feeling. “I need to get out here. I’m sorry.” I jumped up off the bed and reached for the doorknob.

  “Wait, Kaitlyn. Please, talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “Nothing. I just need to go. I’m sorry.” I jerked open the door. The weight on my chest felt so heavy I could barely breathe. Hyperventilating, I bounded down the stairs, two at a time. Chris was hot on my trail.

  “Kaitlyn, stop. I’m sorry, okay? I won’t make you talk. I won’t even touch you. Just please, don’t go…” His voice trailed off to nearly a whisper, “I won’t hurt you.”

  I stopped dead in my tracks. Why was I running? Who was I running from? It shouldn’t have been Chris. Chris wasn’t Trevor. He was nothing like Trevor at all. He was right. He wouldn’t hurt me. Right? Chris was not the enemy. If anything, he rescued me. He was there for me on more than one occasion. He saved me from myself. He showed me what love could be, should be. Slowly, I turned around to face him.

  “Baby, please.” He looked solemnly at me. His glassy eyes held emotions I couldn’t decipher as he quietly whispered, “I’m not him.”

  A large lump settled in my throat. I could feel two years’ worth of pent up hurt and anger launching their way up from the dark pit that I had stuffed them down into. A sound escaped my throat, a guttural growl so deep I didn’t even recognize my own voice.

  I ran at him, pounding my fists so hard into his chest it should have knocked the wind out of him, but he wrapped his arms around me. He held me close to him, consoling me while I sobbed and pounded my hurt and anger into his solid chest like a punching bag.

  The whole time I walloped him, he hugged me and repeated, “Let it out, baby. Let it all out,” while he cradled the back of my head against his chest. He held me until my sobs subsided. “It’s okay,” he reassured me once my wailing cries turned into muffled snubs against his soaking wet shirt. Snubs were the kind of heaving breaths you take after a hard cry; those uncontrollable gasps of air that come like hiccups when you’re all cried out.

  Kissing me gently on top of my head, he whispered under his breath, “God, Kaitlyn, what did he do to you?” He wasn’t searching for an answer; he was just bewildered by my outburst.

  I didn’t look up. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I just clung to him, surprising even myself with my response. “Trevor stole from me the one thing I held most sacred; something I can never get back. He took my virginity. He…he raped me.” Chris didn’t flinch. He didn’t move as the last part came out in a quiet whisper—but it clicked. I heard him suck in a breath and hold it. With my ear against his chest, I could hear his heart pounding, fast and furious. Cautiously, I peeked up at him. His eyes were wide with shock.

  “Oh no! Oh god, baby, I’m so sorry,” Chris encapsulated me in his arms, holding me, rocking me back and forth, clutching the back of my head to his body. “That bastard,” he growled through his teeth.

  “I’m okay, Chris. I’ll be okay…really,” I tried to lie.

  “Kaitlyn, please, you need to tell someone. You can’t keep this a secret. What if he hurts you again? What if he hurts someone else?”

  I hadn’t thought of that…but, no, I wasn’t ready to tell anyone else yet. I just shook my head. Chris hugged me with understanding. My secret was safe with him for the moment.

  Chris held my hand as he walked me to my car later that evening. “Promise me you’ll call me if you need me, for anything. Even if it’s just to talk,” Chris looked at me with pleading eyes.

  “I promise,” I told him.

  He hugged me one last time as he opened the door for me. His longing eyes held mine for a few seconds before he pushed the door shut.

  I drove away feeling a pressure on my chest that I couldn’t explain. I hoped my parents were in bed when I got home, and thankfully they were. Tiptoeing upstairs to my bedroom, I crashed on my bed where my nightmares were filled with waterfalls and sinister green eyes.

  I awoke the next morning still wearing the clothes I had worn the day before. I dreaded having to face everyone at school that day, especially Allison. I just couldn’t unde
rstand why she left me in the woods that day.

  My eyes were glued to the floor in front of me as I made my way to my locker that morning. Having worn my hoodie that morning, I hid my face as deep into the hood as possible. Breathing a sigh of relief when I finally made it to my locker, I heard an angry voice from a few lockers down.

  “Where were you?” The high-pitched voice asked accusingly.

  I turned to look at Allison. “Where was I?” I asked, shocked. “The real question is, where were you?”

  “Trevor told me what happened. He said you guys got into an argument and you took off down through the woods. We spent an hour or more searching for you! What did you do? Run off and hitch a ride with that loser, Chris?” Allison rolled her eyes in disgust. “And, by the way,” she added, “thanks for ruining my afternoon.” Allison glared at me angrily.

  I just stared back at her, appalled, unsure of what to say. Moments later, Eva came up to Allison and threw her arm around Allison.

  “Come on, bestie.” Eva smirked at me as she turned to lead Allison down the hallway.

  “Unbelievable,” I mumbled under my breath as tears pooled in my eyes. Angrily, I wiped them away and stormed off to my first class, praying for a miracle to make me invisible.

  When the lunch bell rang, I reluctantly made my way toward the cafeteria. I had been able to avoid Trevor all day, ducking into classrooms and sneaking into the bathroom when I would see him coming down the hallway. Lunch was a different story though. I knew, without a doubt, that I would have to face him. Oh god, help me through this. I scanned the crowd. His face didn’t jump out at me, thank god. Hopefully, I could just get through the line and hide in a far corner of the cafeteria until lunch was over. I ambled my way toward the cafeteria, hoping to avoid the rush of the crowd. Just as I rounded the corner, a set of hands grabbed my shoulders, spun me around, and slammed me into the brick wall. Menacing hazel eyes glared at me from above. Shit! Sheer terror shot through my body like a bolt a lightning.

  “Trevor.” My breath caught in my throat.

  “I’ve been looking for you,” he snarled.

  “I…I—” Fear hijacked my voice.

  Trevor loosened his grip. I glanced left and right, praying someone would walk by and see us. However, with my dawdling, the tardy bell had rung and all the students were either in their classrooms or in the cafeteria. No one lingered in the hallway.

  Trevor leaned his head down to whisper in my ear. The sickening heat of his breath caused my mind to flash back to the last time I had felt it against my cheek. My stomach lurched with the thought of it. “Kaitlyn, don’t try to avoid me. You can’t escape me.”

  I closed my eyes and swallowed back the bile that threatened the back of my throat. Suddenly, without warning, I felt Trevor’s hands being ripped from my shoulders and the sound of the wind being knocked out of him. Trevor grunted as his body was slammed into the wall next to me.

  “Get your hands off her, asshole,” Chris glowered, staring him down like a bull ready to charge.

  “Fuck you,” Trevor growled, spitting his words in Chris’s face.

  “Don’t move, motherfucker. Don’t you fucking move one inch or I’ll slice your jugular faster than you can take your last breath.”

  Something flashed out of the corner of my eye. Chris held the sharp blade of his knife taut against Trevor’s throat. Oh shit!

  Glancing at me, Chris hissed, “Get out of here, Kaitlyn.”

  I struggled to breathe, let alone move.

  “Go. Now.” he urged.

  I didn’t think. I just panicked and ran. My legs felt like jelly as I clambered to escape the moment. Just as I rounded the corner, a small group of students walked by me. Their chatter echoed past me, completely unaware of the event taking place just a mere few feet away. I tried to command my voice to speak, to warn them, or to beg for help, but it refused. Panic and fear held me captive within myself.

  I ran into the cafeteria and sank into a chair, breathing a sigh of relief. I should have said something. I should have done more. I laid my head on the table, trying to collect myself when I heard a loud ruckus just beyond the doors of the cafeteria.

  “Fight! FIGHT!” I heard some students yell. Several people jumped up from their table to see the commotion.

  Allison yelled at me from the doorway. “Kaitlyn! It’s Trevor and Chris!”

  Automatically, I jumped up and ran out the door. Sure enough, Chris had tackled Trevor and was punching him repeatedly. I saw the knife lying beside them, just out of Chris’s reach. “Chris!” I screamed frantically.

  “C’mon, punk! Whatcha gonna do about it? You think you can lay your hands on a girl? Well, let me teach you a little something, asshole.” Venomous words spewed from Chris’s clenched teeth as he continued to thrash wildly.

  Coach Harrison ran through the door and broke through the crowd. With the help of Mr. Abernathy, the history teacher, they pulled Chris off of Trevor who had blood dripping from his nose and lips.

  A long string of profanities erupted from both boys’ mouths as the two teachers dragged Chris down the hallway to the principal’s office. Mrs. Lowman grabbed Chris’s knife, and Mrs. Yount helped Trevor up off the floor, guiding him down the hall toward the nurse’s office.

  Panic overwhelmed me as I realized what was happening. It would only be a matter of time before Chris would be sent back to juvie. The principal had already threatened Chris that one infraction would land him right back at Fairbanks. Possession of a knife on school property, along with the fight with Trevor, would probably mean he’d finish up the year there. I loathed Trevor for being the center of the whole mess.

  “Great,” one of the football players said sarcastically. “There goes the game Friday night.”

  A few others grumbled around him. The crowd dissolved, and I stood there motionless.

  “Kaitlyn, you okay?” a familiar voice asked.

  I turned to see Arnold standing behind me. “Yeah,” I whispered.

  “Well personally, I’m glad Trevor got his butt kicked. He deserved it.” Arnold winked at me before he turned to walk away.

  “Yeah,” I repeated, still in shock.

  Later that night I got an instant message from Chris.

  ChrisRocknrollKing: They’re sending me back

  Cheerchick88: I figured they would :(

  ChrisRocknrollKing: U are worth it. That punk needed 2 b brought down a notch or 2. He thinks he owns this world and every1 in it but Ive got news 4 him

  Cheerchick88: Thanks 4 standing up 4 me. I just wish it didnt mean that u have to leave

  ChrisRocknrollKing: I know and I’m sorry

  Cheerchick88: When do u leave?

  ChrisRocknrollKing: In the morning :(

  Sighing, I fought back the rush of tears.

  Cheerchick88: Ok :(

  ChrisRocknrollKing: I have to see u 2night

  Cheerchick88: idk

  ChrisRocknrollKing: Pls sneak out and come see me. I just want to see u…2 spend time with u before I have 2 leave. Im begging…pls Kaitlyn

  I debated the idea. The thought of being alone with him, while the rest of the world slept, made me a little apprehensive. Part of me wasn’t ready to be alone with any guy, but Chris was leaving. I didn’t know if or when I’d get to see him again. I couldn’t let him be shipped off without saying goodbye. After all, he did save my life. I felt strong feelings for him that left me exhilarated and heartbroken at the same time. I needed to say goodbye. I knew I had to see him.

  Cheerchick88: Ok. I will find a way

  ChrisRocknrollKing: Thank you. Call my cell when u get here. And be careful!

  Cheerchick88: Ok. It will be @11:30pm

  ChrisRocknrollKing: I’ll b waiting ;)

  Everything got quiet downstairs as I waited nervously for my parents to go to bed. I had left a note on my pillow just in case my mom came in to check on me and found me missing.

  The last thing I needed was for the police to track me down at
Chris’s house.

  When I felt certain my parents were asleep, I crept downstairs, through the kitchen, and out the back door. Quietly, I got in my car, but I didn’t shut the door for fear it would be too loud. I shifted my car into neutral and let it roll backwards down the driveway. A car in neutral was much harder to steer, but I steered it enough that I could coast down the hill a little ways from my house before starting the engine and slamming the door shut. My plan had worked out perfectly. I was on my way to see Chris! Waves of adrenaline and excitement pulsed through my arteries, and my heart slammed in my chest.

  When I had gotten close to Chris’s driveway I called his cell. He picked up on the first ring. “I’m already outside waiting,” he admitted. He was at my car door almost as soon as I pulled into his driveway. With an eager grin, he opened the car door and pulled me to my feet. “Thank you for coming,” he whispered. He held me in his arms for several seconds.

  Waves of passion tore through my body as he pulled me closer; a frightening feeling welled up inside me. A panic attack threatened me, similar to that same moment of terror I felt when he had wrapped his arm around me the day before. I took a deep breath to try to control my pounding heart and inhaled his familiar spine-tingling musky scent that immediately calmed my nerves. I remembered the conversation we’d had—the meltdown where I pounded the shit out of his chest and he just held onto me, comforting me and allowing me my moment of rage. He won’t hurt me, I reminded myself.

  “Come on,” he whispered, as he pulled me away from my car. “I’ve got somewhere to take you.”

  He shuffled me through the darkness and into an open field behind his house. The moon shone brilliantly across the grass. The gentle breeze swayed the tall grass back and forth while the wind whistled through the trees lining the field. Twinkling stars flickered like tiny lightning bugs in the night sky. Crickets chirped and frogs croaked in the darkness. The gray-blue mountains in the distance served as a picturesque backdrop.