So Much It Hurts

by Dawn, Melanie

  “I come out here at night sometimes when I can’t sleep,” he explained, “or when I need to think.”

  “Wow,” I whispered. “It’s beautiful.”

  “Will you dance with me?” he asked me quietly.

  “But, there’s no music,” I said.

  “Don’t worry. We don’t need any.” He turned and held his hands out to me.

  I surrendered easily and let him surround me in his arms. We swayed in silence. He held me close to his body and gently placed his hand on the small of my back. My breath caught in my throat as the intense feeling of wanting to kiss him surged through my body. Somewhere deep inside me, the capsule of fear threatened to burst again. It forewarned me that it would detonate a nuclear bomb of panic, leaving a mushroom cloud of regretted words and broken spirits. I tried my best to release the valve on the expanding balloon of anxiety, while at the same time, I melted from the passion that smoldered in his dark, penetrating eyes.

  “Look, Chris, I’ll go to the principal. I’ll tell him everything. I’ll tell him you were just trying to protect me. I’ll—”

  “No,” he interrupted me. “I can’t let you do that. I won’t. You’ve been through enough already. Like you said, Trevor and his family have this whole damn town in their back pockets. In case you haven’t noticed, me and the good ole boy network just don’t mix. You do not need to get wrapped up in these shady small town politics. It would only end up hurting you more in the long run. Besides, I would have done the same thing a thousand times over if it meant I was protecting you. You are worth it…” his voice trailed off as he pulled me closer and gently kissed the top of my head.

  I felt the wind gently blowing around us. Softly, he began to sing. I recognized Garth Brooks’ The Dance immediately. The words he sang made me realize how thankful I was to have met him. Even though the thought of being ripped apart was absolutely devastating, having the chance to fall in love with him was worth it in the end. Staring at his face, I memorized every feature, every crease, and every dimple. I listened to the sweet timbre of his voice as he sang to me from what I could only imagine as the deepest depths of his soul. Tears glistened in his eyes and threatened to fall, conveying unspeakable emotions. I was losing him. He was leaving, and I was losing him. I squeezed him tighter as if I would never let go, and he wrapped his arms more firmly around my body. I could have stayed there in his arms all night. I breathed in the wonderful aroma of him—fresh, woodsy, and masculine. He sighed with a deep, staggering exhale as he pressed himself even closer to me.

  His breath was hot on my lips. I could almost feel the electric pulses of sexual tension that radiated between our bodies. Confusion permeated my heart. I had feelings for Chris I couldn’t explain, yet at the same time I felt ugly inside. My natural reaction to the feelings I had for Chris didn’t feel natural at all; thanks to Trevor, they felt dirty. I tried to console myself. This isn’t wrong. This isn’t bad. He’s not going to hurt me. Tenderly, he brought his lips to mine. The supple, yet intense passion of his kiss spread a blanket of warmth throughout my body. I gently kissed him back. The desperate yearning between us gave way as we held tighter to each other and moved our lips in rhythm. The soft sensation of his velvet tongue on mine sent shivers down my spine. I held onto the feeling of his body against mine and the taste of his gentle kiss as long as he would let me. He pulled away, leaving me breathless.

  “Kaitlyn, I’ve never felt this way before. I’ve tried to put you out of my mind from the minute I first saw you. I knew you were so far out of my league. I knew there was no chance that a guy like me would ever have a chance to be with a girl like you. The more I spend time with you the more I realize that I can’t help falling for you. I know we could never be together—not the way we want to be. I’m not dumb. I know what people say about me…and about you. I know that there is never going to be a chance for ‘us.’ I just want you to know that you are the most amazing girl I have ever met. I have fallen hard for you despite my efforts not to. Even if I never have the chance to be with you like I want to, at least I can say that I gave it my best shot. Just know that you will always hold a special place in my heart. Always.”

  My tears slid silently down my cheeks. They fell because I knew he was right, but I didn’t want him to be right. I wanted to curl up into his arms and never let go. I wanted to have the freedom to fall in love with the guy standing right in front of me without the fear of judgment. I was tired of pretending that I didn’t have feelings for him—that I couldn’t love him. I just wished that everyone would give him the chance that he deserved and would stop being so judgmental. Chris was everything I wanted—needed. The thought of walking away from him at the end of the night knowing that we could never be “we” was enough to cause me to hyperventilate under the implosion of my heart. My sobs heaved as I buried myself in his chest.

  “Shhhhh, baby,” Chris said, pulling me tighter against him. “Please don’t cry. I didn’t say all that to make you cry. I just needed you to know how I felt.”

  “Chris, when I am with you, I can be myself. You have made me realize how love could be—should be. You saved me in more ways than one. I can’t thank you enough for that.”

  He stared deeply into my tear-filled eyes. “I love you, Kaitlyn.” He didn’t wait for a response. I don’t think he expected one. Instead, he gently kissed me again. That time his kiss felt sorrowful. I could taste the tears that fell from my eyes and felt the emotion that heaved from his chest as he swallowed the lump that must have been forming in his throat. We stood there in the moonlight holding each other, wishing things could be different between us. “I have had the most amazing night,” Chris said as he walked me to my car and held my car door open for me.

  “Me too,” I smiled.

  “Just know that no matter what happens, I will always love you. I mean that with every fiber of my being. You will always hold my heart. Always,” his voice cracked as a single tear escaped his eye and slid down his cheek.

  I knew that feeling he was describing—that overwhelming feeling of emotion you could feel in every atom of your body; I felt it, too. Why can’t I say it? Instead, I whispered, “Chris, no matter what happens, I will never forget you.” My heart shattered as I said those words because I knew, without a shadow of a doubt, I meant them…and more.

  I slunk down into the seat of my car. He shut my car door, watching me through the window as I buckled my seatbelt and started the engine. His eyes were glassy, and his lip trembled. He touched my window, holding his palm firmly against it. I placed my hand against his. The thin sheet of glass that separated us felt like a metaphor for our lives. ‘I love you,’ he mouthed the words. Oh god I can’t do this! I can’t leave him. I just found him. I can’t let him go! But, I had to. I blew him a kiss through the window just as another tear slid down my cheek. Goodbye, Chris. Reluctantly, he turned around and trudged back toward his front porch. Sadly, I watched him walk up the steps and out of my life.

  Driving away in tears, I felt as though I had left the key to my soul sitting in Chris’s driveway.

  The days passed slowly; it had been nearly three months. I still desperately yearned for Chris, but I hadn’t heard from him. I began to give up hope that I would ever see him or speak to him again. I barely managed to make it through each day. So many things had changed since Chris left for juvie again. I avoided Trevor at all costs. He had set his sights on Eva, so he barely even looked at me anymore. The other cheerleaders managed to alienate me. Thankfully, the season had ended so we didn’t have to see each other every day at practice. They avoided me like the plague and glared at me like I was the enemy. Everyone believed Trevor’s lies. Either that, or they were too afraid that not believing him would send them straight to the bottom of social hierarchy. I rarely got phone calls on the weekends, so I spent most of my time working on homework and studying. My parents were happy that my grades were going up. At home, I could feel the division between my mother and me. She and I had barely spoken to ea
ch other since our last argument about Chris. I had never felt so alone in my life. My depression overcame me. I numbly went through the motions of my life.

  The school was buzzing with excitement about our annual Winter Formal. Flyers lined the hallway. Girls chatted about their new dresses. Guys bragged about the car their dad, uncle, or grandfather was going to let them drive. I could really care less. All I knew was that Trevor was going to the dance with Eva and I would try, at all costs, to avoid them both. I wasn’t sure I even wanted to go at all, especially since I would be going alone.

  One Saturday afternoon, my mom begged to take me dress shopping. Since I had hoped to iron out the wrinkles in our relationship, I agreed to go. She seemed excited. I was just happy to not have to spend another Saturday alone. We spent nearly two hours looking at dresses until I finally found the perfect one. Not too flashy, it was a strapless, T-length red dress with a simple red silk ribbon just below the bust line. A single diamond-like stone sparkled in the center of the ribbon—perfect. I felt like Audrey Hepburn in that dress. The Winter Formal seemed to get a little more exciting that day.

  I sat quietly on my bed the night of the formal. I debated with myself on whether or not to go. I dreaded going alone. While I knew I would not be the only single person there, it still didn’t make it any easier. Just then, my dad softly knocked at my door.

  “Come in,” I squeaked, sounding like a hopeless cause.

  “Sweetheart, you look stunning!” my dad beamed as he opened my door.

  “Thanks, Dad,” I glanced down, embarrassed, and nervously smoothed out invisible wrinkles on my dress. “I’m not even sure I plan to go.” I continued looking shamefully at the floor, feeling defeated.

  “Listen, Kaitlyn,” my dad began as he sat down on the bed beside me, “I know these last few months have been hard on you. But, it’s like I’ve always told you, sometimes you gotta pick yourself up by your boot straps and keep going. Now, you get out there, hold your head high, and enjoy your senior formal. You only get this opportunity once in your life.”

  I glanced up at him glaring down at me like a young child being scolded for sneaking cookies from the cookie jar. “I know, Dad, but—”

  “But nothing, young lady,” he interrupted. “Here are the keys to the Mercedes,” he said as he handed me the silver keychain with a smile. “Take care of her. Now, get out there and have a great time.”

  “Okay,” I nodded meekly, but tried to sound enthusiastic as he pulled me to my feet. “Thanks, Dad,” I said as I gave him a quick peck on the cheek and headed down the stairs. My dad never let anyone ever drive his pride and joy, so having the keys to his Mercedes in my hand was a real treat.

  Parked outside the building, I took a few deep breaths. The Formal was almost over. I had timed it perfectly. “Okay, Kaitlyn, you can do this,” I told myself. Hesitantly, I stepped out of the car and watched as a group of couples whirled past me in a rainbow of colors. “Just a few minutes…you can handle just a few minutes,” I tried to convince myself. I fumbled with the keys and slipped them into my handbag while I walked anxiously toward the door.

  The music was thumping and voices were buzzing as I stepped into the room. A sea of colors bounced and flashed in the center of the room on the dance floor. I took a minute to survey the room. A few students mingled near the buffet table, munching on finger foods; they seemed lost in conversations. I spotted Allison and Eric in the middle of the dance floor. I made a beeline toward the food table in an effort to avoid them. Pouring myself some punch, I tried to blend into the crowd. Just then, the music slowed and more couples started gathering on the dance floor. I thought I was successfully camouflaging myself among the tacky decorations and streamers when someone tapped me on the shoulder.

  “Would you like to dance?”

  I turned around to see a tall and lanky, blue eyed, blond haired guy staring at me.

  “Hi,” he said shyly. “I’m Michael.”

  “I’m Kaitlyn.”

  “Nice to meet you.” He stuck his hand out awkwardly. Really? Teenagers don’t shake hands, do they? Kinda dorky, but I’ll go with it. I reached out to shake it.

  “Nice to meet you, too,” I said with a chuckle.

  “About that dance, would you do me the honor?”

  Apathetically shrugging my shoulders, I responded with, “Sure. Why not?”

  Michael led me out onto the dance floor. The disco ball cast millions of twinkling lights across the faces of the students dancing in the middle of the room.

  “So,” Michael asked as he wrapped his arms around my waist, “what’s a beautiful girl like you doing here at the Formal all alone?”

  “It’s a long story,” I sighed. I looked up into his deep, blue eyes. Something about them seemed honest—safe. I let myself relax a little. “I almost didn’t show up tonight.”

  “Well, I’m glad you did,” he smiled down at me with a crooked grin, “or I would still be standing alone by the punch bowl.”

  I glanced over at the group of socially awkward students hovering by the buffet tables. “Yeah, me too,” I agreed.

  He laughed. I laughed. We danced through three more songs, talking and laughing.

  The rest of the night seemed pretty okay after all.

  “So,” Michael asked nervously as he walked me to my car at the end of the evening, “I’d love to take you out sometime. Like maybe on a real date?”

  “Yeah, I’d like that.”

  “Great! Can I call you sometime?”

  “Sure,” I said a little more passionately than I had when he had first asked me to dance.

  I found a pen in my dad’s console and wrote my screen name and phone number on Michael’s hand.

  “Cool. Thanks,” he said, looking down at his hand and smiling.

  “Thank you for helping to make the Winter Formal not suck so bad.”

  “You’re welcome...I think.”

  I just grinned at him and hopped into the Mercedes. I drove away that night with the smile still plastered on my face. It was the first time in three months I had felt genuinely happy.

  Who knew that Chris would pop up eight years later and throw a kink in the life I had built for myself since he left?

  Bumping into Chris during Girls’ Weekend at the Beach, after I hadn’t seen him in eight long years, had completely thrown me for a loop.

  My mind had been reeling all night. I finally climbed out of bed around sunrise to go for a walk on the beach. Hopefully the therapeutic sound of the crashing waves would help soothe my battered heart. Rehashing every detail of my past with my friends the night before had pushed my emotional stamina to its limits. I felt like I was teetering on the edge of a complete breakdown. I pulled on my swimsuit and grabbed my cover-up on my way out of the bedroom. The rest of the girls stayed asleep while I tiptoed through the condo. I carefully opened the front door, hoping not to wake anyone. The warm blast of salty air against my face immediately assuaged my frazzled nerves. Squinting my eyes, the sun seemed to pierce my pupils while they tried to adjust to the sudden brightness after having been cooped up in the condo with the curtains drawn. I quickly made my way to the stairwell and nearly skipped down them to get to my morning ‘therapy session.’

  The sparkling sand squished between my toes while I walked; it was a comforting feeling, like my favorite pair of slippers back home. The warm heat of the sand radiated across my skin on the pads of my feet. It sure beat stepping on the occasional tiny building brick that Eli had left laying out on the hardwood floor. I walked toward the pier in the distance, searching for take home worthy shells along the way. The tide was on its way out, exposing plenty of shells that had washed up overnight. Most of them were broken fragments, but I had gathered a few whole shells in my pockets. I was reaching down for another handful when suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant orange blur ran up to me and tackled me. I tumbled to the ground, along with my collection of shells.

  “Hey!” I yelled, just as a wet slimy tongue licked the
side of my face.

  “Whoa, Jasper!” a bellowing voice called in the distance.

  I laughed. The golden retriever only wanted a few sloppy kisses before he bounced off me and pounced around in front of me, begging for attention. “Hey, boy,” I chuckled as I petted his sandy, wet fur. He sat down on his haunches; his tail propelled globs of pasty sand across my face. I tried to stand up, just as another hand reached down to help me.

  “So sorry about my dog.” I immediately recognized Chris’s voice as he grabbed my hand to rescue me from the catapulting sand bullets.

  I looked up; dark eyes stared down at me. His windblown hair spiked all over the place in a sexy hot mess. His muscles were taut while grasping my hand and pulling me up. “Oh my god, Kaitlyn. I didn’t realize it was you. I’m so sorry,” he apologized, reaching his hand to my cheek to try to wipe away the sticky sand. “But, I’m really glad I ran into you this morning.”

  I shivered at the touch of his skin on my cheek. Closing my eyes, I relished the tingle of his fingers on my jaw line. The proximity of his body to mine sent heat waves pulsing through my body, as I took a deep breath of his rough, masculine scent. “Me too,” I concurred. Jasper continued to lick my hand and wag his entire rear end as fast as he could to get more attention. Attempting to change the subject, I said, “I guess this is your dog.”

  “Yeah, I was just taking him out for a jog before the sun gets too hot. I imagine all that fur is like living in a furnace. My roommates ask me all the time why I keep a long haired dog at the beach.”

  “Oh, you live around here?”

  He pointed farther down the shore. “Yeah, just a few blocks north of here. Jasper just likes to keep me company on my morning runs. Apparently, he likes to tackle beautiful women, too,” Chris winked.