by Brenda Ford
I finally have him, I think desperately to myself. After all this time, he’s mine, but it shouldn’t be like this.
This is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, I finally have everything that I have ever wanted, but there’s a fear there, a little coldness. It isn’t exactly what it should be. My gut is afraid, trying to tell me why everything is all kinds of wrong, but I do what I can to push it down as I walk outside.
“Just call him,” I tell myself quietly. “Speak to him, don’t let it get bad again.”
But it doesn’t take long for me to realize that it isn’t going to happen. The phone is ringing out, all the way to voice mail. He isn’t going to speak to me this way. He might not ever speak to me at all. That might be it for us. Oh God, it’s like a gut punch while I think about him out of my life forever. I was so damn close to getting everything that I wanted and now it might be gone. This time it will be gone for good.
I glance back towards the bar, wondering if I should go back inside. Maybe I need to drink a couple to block all of this sadness out. That’s how other people seem to deal with their issues, but I don’t think that’s the best idea for me. I don’t know if I will be able to handle it. I probably should go home instead. All the good feeling from my chest evaporates as the night ends in the opposite way that it was supposed to. I should have my brand-new boyfriend on my arm now, drinking and laughing, having a good time. Then soon, we should be on the way back to my place to have a little fun of our own. Me and the man of my dreams in bed together. The idea of it got me all fired up on stage, it gave me even more passion than I felt before playing music.
As I head back inside to get my belongings before I leave for good, all the while I keep thinking about Angelo. I suppose it’s a good thing that I didn’t tell Sheri though, at least she can’t tell me that she knew this was going to happen. Much as I’d like her sympathy right now, I don’t want to hear that everything I’ve done is wrong.
“You okay?” Oliver asks while resting his hand on my shoulder. “Did you find Angelo?”
I shake my head. “No, I think he’s gone. I don’t think he’s coming back either.”
“Oh no? Where do you think he has gone? That doesn’t seem like him?”
I shrug. I don’t want to voice my suspicions aloud because it makes them that much more real. But also, because Oliver is Angelo’s brother so that’s where his loyalties will lie. I can’t be sure of anything anyway.
“That’s strange. I’ll try and get hold of him. See what he’s doing…”
“No, no. Don’t worry.” I stop him in his tracks. “I already tried. He isn’t picking up.”
“But he shouldn’t treat you like this. It isn’t right. I need to work out what he’s up to.”
I shake my head and pick up the pace to pull away from Oliver. Even if his brother gets through to him, I don’t know if I want to know what he has to say. I’m just done here. I want to go out before I lose my mind. I grab my things and finally get back out of the bar before anyone else can catch me, and I start the slow walk home.
I stuff my hands into my pockets and drag my feet behind me as I go. Half of me is shattered and wants desperately to get into bed to crash to sleep. The rest of me is buzzing and wide awake, never able to get to sleep again. With all of this in my mind, I don’t know if I will ever be able to shut off again.
“Hey, you!” a drunk guy from a bar calls out to me. “Come and have a drink with us.”
“No, I’m okay thank you.” I shake my head. “I’m on my way home.”
“Oh, come on. The night is young.” It doesn’t even matter as I walk further away, he isn’t going to stop. “There is still lots of fun to be had. Me and my friends can make sure you have a good night.”
Urgh, there is such a suggestion in his voice that I don’t want to hear. It makes me shudder to even think about being with another man, especially one like this one. Dating didn’t work out for me, guys in bars aren’t for me, Angelo is still the one I want, even though he’s turned his back on me a number of times.
I’m sad and pathetic, that’s the truth of it. I need to put an end to this now. I already know that I won’t be able to delete Angelo’s number just in case in the future he ever does get in touch with me again, but perhaps I can get rid of all the pictures of us. Just as a symbolic gesture that I’m stronger than this.
If he has gone back to Mandy, then I don’t want to look back at that time period anyway, I don’t want to remember that I had him for a brief second but then I lost him. Because I wasn’t enough for him. And if the small chance happens that we remain together, then we can just take new pictures. It’s no big deal.
But as I scroll through the photos and I see the shining happiness in my gaze, the glee in my eyes, and the same reflected in his face as well. I can’t get rid of that because it’s just too perfect for words.
Instead, I continue on with my search through the pictures until I find the one of Alex and Mandy. That’s the one I really need to delete. That one won’t help me at all. There’s no reason for me to continue on because it seems that nothing is enough to drag Angelo away from Mandy. He’s obsessed with her.
But I can’t. Because I’m obsessed too. I’m pathetically, sadly obsessed with a man that would never want me. I shove my phone away, trying not to get all worked up by my emotions, which isn’t the easiest. But I don’t want to cry over this man again. I can’t. It’s been too long, too many years.
“Go home,” I whisper to myself. “Go home and sleep all of this off.”
Things will look better in the morning. I don’t know where I first heard that sentence, but clearly it has stuck with me and I suppose now it seems more relevant than ever. Now the night is awful.
I turn at the corner to my street and dig my hand inside my bag to search for my keys. I have so much junk inside my hand bag, I always tell myself that I need to empty it when I have time so I don’t have this drama every time I get home, but I don’t ever do it. I never seem to have the time to make it work out.
“Rachel.” All of a sudden, a new voice drags my focus away from my bag. A voice I didn’t expect to hear.
“Angelo?” He’s here? But he can’t be here. Why would he be here? He’s with Mandy…
“Sorry I left.” He steps closer to me, his expression flooded with regret. “I wasn’t expecting you to come home so early. I was just going to wait until you got back to speak to you.”
“What if I didn’t come back?” I fold my arms defensively across my chest. “What then?”
“Well, then I guess I would have to just sit here all night long then.”
He smiles, but I don’t return the look. I can’t just by pass what’s happened. He ran out on me, he left me, and I don’t know why yet. Things are too new between us for me to just be okay with it.
“Can I come in?” he asks quietly. “I know that I don’t deserve it, but I would like to explain.”
“Can you explain?” I demand. “Is there a way to explain this?” I guess a part of me still thinks it’s Mandy related and I’m too scared to let that go. I’m too afraid of getting my heart shattered.
“I can, just give me a chance, please. I promise I can make you understand.”
I don’t know if I should or not, but I unlock my front door and let him inside anyway, just because I want to know. I don’t want this to end, and certainly not with me asking ‘what if?’.
Chapter 20 – Angelo
“I’m sorry,” I burst out as soon as we reach Rachel’s first room. “I can’t believe I ran away like that…”
“Why did you do it?” I knew that I would get a hard time. I can tell that Rachel doesn’t want to be hurt, but her tone affects me deeply. She’s a lot madder at me than I thought she would be. “Huh? Why?”
“I’m going to be honest with you, Rachel.” I pause and suck in a deep breath. “Because of jealousy.”
That stuns her in to silence for a few seconds. “What do you mean? Jealous
y? Why?”
“Because of your male fans. Because everyone loves you and it’s a bit too much for me to take.”
Her eyes narrow at me. I can tell that I have freaked her out a bit. “I don’t understand, Angelo.”
“I know nothing happened with those guys. I was there to see it with my own eyes. I know that you didn’t do anything, it’s just me and my brain. It really freaked me out. It made me panic badly.”
She falls in to the couch behind me and taps her head with her fingers. I thought that I had clarity now, that my brain was so much better since running from the bar, but it seems like I can’t explain it properly.
“Sorry, Rachel, let me just explain myself. I don’t think I’m fully being myself after learning that Mandy spent a lot of our relationship with other men. It’s affected me deeply. I know that isn’t your fault, but it’s troubling me. To know that I can be with someone for years and not know them is a lot. And also, to know that she couldn’t love me after everything… well, why should anyone else? So, to see you getting all kinds of attention from guys and knowing that the band is only getting bigger… well, it got the better of me for a moment.”
“I’m not Mandy,” she whispers with a head shake. “That isn’t me. I would never do that.”
“I know. I get that. Trust me, that isn’t you at all. It’s all me. It’s all in my head.”
“But if the band getting big is going to be a problem then what can we do here…?”
“It isn’t.” I reach out to her, but she pulls away, not ready to accept me just yet. “I promise you it isn’t. I’m not the man who is going to try and block you from your dreams, it was just a moment, that’s all.”
“Do you think you should stop being with me?” Rachel asks. “At least for a while? Because if you’re experiencing emotions because of you and Mandy, then I don’t think it’s a good idea.”
The sensation of her slipping through my fingers like grains of sand leaves me breathless. I don’t even want to think about it. I can’t handle my life without her, especially not now I know how wonderful she is.
“It was just a moment,” I reassure her. “Just a moment of madness, that’s all. It won’t happen again.”
She darts her eyes downwards and starts speaking. I brace myself, expecting my worst, but that isn’t what I get. “Angelo, I’m not going to do anything to hurt you, I want you to know that. I’m not Mandy, going to cheat on you all the time. I don’t like cheating, which I suppose is ironic since we fooled around more than we should, but that’s not a pattern of mine for sure.” She finally drags her eyes up to look at me. “Angelo, I might as well just tell you this. I am not going to hurt you because I have had feelings for you for as long as I can remember.”
“What?” I rasp, shock tearing through me. “What do you mean?”
“I know you didn’t much notice me because you were with Mandy, but I noticed you right away. I had feelings for you from the second I first saw you. It’s been torture for me to see you happy with another woman, but I never would have got in the way. Not until it seemed to me that you weren’t as happy as it seemed.”
I clutch my hand to my chest and part my lips a couple of times. But no words come out.
“But now I finally have you. This is everything that I have always wanted and more. I’m falling for you hard… but at the same time, I don’t want you to be with me if you aren’t one hundred percent in it.” She sucks in a breath and trembles all over from her head to her toes. “If that means you don’t want to be with me at all, then so be it. If you need time, then that’s fine. I’m happy to take a step back, because I have been thinking about me and you for a long time and I want it to be right if it’s ever going to really happen, you know?”
She’s liked me forever. She likes me more than Mandy ever did. I let that wash over me, wondering how I never noticed, and also how I could ever have been clouded by jealousy because of her. She isn’t the sort of person who would want to make me feel that way. She’s done what she can to make me secure.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat while stepping closer to her, closing the gap. “I was a fool.” I cup my hand over her cheek and hold her. “But I’m a fool for you. Can you forgive a fool like me?”
She giggles, the tension rolling off her shoulders as she does. “I suppose so.”
I pull her up to me, rising her on to her tip toes, and we kiss. Gently, almost nervously at first, but soon the familiarity grabs us, and we begin really exploring one another’s mouths. This is why I shut my panic off and ignored the worry to come back to Rachel’s home. Thank goodness, because if I left completely, I don’t know if we would be able to come back from this. She would be far too mad at me.
The next thing that happens is she pulls me down on to the couch so I’m lying on top of her, pressing my body against hers. She arches her back, pressing those gorgeous breasts of hers against me and wraps her legs around my back. As I run my hands down her body, I mentally return to the moment she was up on stage looking hot as hell and it sparks the flame back inside of me all over again. I slip my mouth downwards, over her throat, over her chest, tugging her top down as I do. She hasn’t got a bra on, which means her breasts pop out easily. My mouth is all over her nipple instantly, rock hard in my mouth, caressing my tongue.
Fuck, she’s incredible. She really is amazing. Everything about her is perfect, and now I’m pretty sure she has spent a lot of her life thinking about me, fantasizing about me, just makes it that much more exciting.
“Show me,” I rasp as I pull my lips away from her. “Show me what it’s like when you think of me.”
In the heat of lust, my question isn’t particularly well phrased, but me and Rachel share such a connection, especially when it comes to sexual chemistry, so she knows exactly what I want. She hitches up her skirt and pulls her panties to one side with her eyes fixed on me the entire time. I love the fire in her gaze, the flames of desire that set me alight too. I sense her fingers but watch her eyes as she plunges her fingers in to her.
“Oh, Angelo,” she gasps with her eyes sliding closed. My stare falls to her core where I watch her drive herself insane with need. “I imagine you touching and tasting me. Licking me everywhere.”
Watching her touch herself creates a deep throb in my cock. I don’t even realize that my hand is slipping down my body until my trousers are apart and my fingers are wrapped around myself. I pump my fist up and down as I watch her push herself to the brink of orgasm. She looks so fucking good like this. Especially with her face contorting like that. Making her look wonderful. Utterly amazing. It’s really hard not to erupt like a damn volcano all over her, making a real mess of her beautiful body and sexy outfit. I kind of want to. Just to see how stunning she would look all soaked in my seed. If things keep moving at this rate, I won’t be able to stop it anyway…
“Fuck me, Angelo,” she cries out as she writhes desperately under the power of her own touch. “This is the part where I want you to fuck me. Only, usually… usually you aren’t here.”
Holy shit, this is a chance for me to make her fantasy to come true. Not many people get that chance and I’m sure as hell not going to blow it. I shove my trousers the rest of the way down and push back on top of her, teasing her entrance with my cock. She doesn’t give me much of a chance to tease her for long though. She’s impatient and needy for me. Utterly wild and animalistic, so as she wraps her legs tightly around me and pulls me inside of her, I’m absolutely powerless to resist. I might be on top, but she has the control.
“You really have wanted me for ages?” I ask, possibly for my ego. I just need to confirm this.
“I have.” She clutches her hands tightly around my neck, keeping me close to her. “So badly.”
I cup her butt in my hands and lift her upright as if she weighs nothing and I press her up against the nearest wall. This angle allows me to slip even deeper in to her. Her walls clamp around me, drawing me in deeper, drawing the hot pleasure from me, sending
me insane. It’s hard for me to even remain upright, my knees knock together, I feel like jelly, but the sexy little noises coming out of her keep me going. I fucking love those sounds. They are absolutely delicious. So, I slam I to her over and over again, holding on to her, gripping on to the wall, kissing her at every opportunity to swallow up her screams…
When we lose it, we do so together. I haven’t ever experienced a simultaneous orgasm before, and it’s fucking magical. Her body reacts and contorts to me, drawing more pleasure from me by the moment. Her panting breaths match mine, our hearts race together, we are really in tune. It overwhelms me with loving feelings. I know for sure that I am falling for her too. Properly heading in to love. Our love story might not be a typical one, we may have begun on shaky grounds, but it’s perfect for us.
I am never going to allow anything that’s ever happened with Mandy to come between me and Rachel again. I have to draw a line underneath what happened and treat this as new relationship because that’s what it is. Something new with someone who thinks I’m worthwhile. Who wants me for being myself. Who could love me if I let her in. I can really see a future with Rachel in a way that wasn’t certain with Mandy. We could have it all.
As we collapse back on to the couch, clinging breathlessly to one another, I pull her even closer to me so I can hold her tight, to let her know how much I appreciate her without saying too much. I’m scared that if I start talking, I might say too much. I might end up telling her that I’m falling in love with her…
Chapter 21 – Rachel
“…so then, Luke got down on one knee, and I honestly though that he was going to propose!” Sheri cackles with laughter. “I freaked out for a moment, but I soon said yes, which then freaked him out…”
“You can’t honestly be thinking about marrying Luke,” I half scream. “You’ve only been together for a while.”
