Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories
Page 76
My quirks? How long have you been watching me? Hello? Creepy callin’.
I watched you for about a month. I made my decision to aid you only this morning before you woke and saw me.
A month! Deciding that I could let that go for now moved on. So how many other people have you ‘aided’?
I have helped two thousand three hundred sixty three people who were in great need of my assistance. You will make that number one more. He answered without having to really think about it.
Two thousand three hundred… wait a minute. How old are you?
Age is nothing we count. But the first person I assisted lived in the year 1261.But I have been a sentient being from before this time.
Wait a minute, that’s more than two people a year. How long do you usually stick around? Trying to do the math in my head, and not doing a very good job at it because of the circumstances I stand there and stare at him.
It averages out to be around three and a half people a year, however in the early years people had a harder time dealing with me and how I communicate. They truly thought themselves mad. Being seen talking to themselves they were heralded as demon and thus killed. So because of that, I had about four or five a year then. A few did deal well with it and lived long and happy lives.
Astonished, I just stood there gaping at him. Wow. And to think I thought I dealt badly with it.
I also said before that I stay until you no longer need taken care of. For some that was only about three months, others, better than a year. But every person is different with different needs to be tended.
I think I need to digest what you’ve just said an’ I have homework to finish. Walking in an almost trance like state to the dining room table, I get out my math. I sat and stared at the rows of problems that wanted solving and just saw numbers and shapes. Deciding that that was going to take too much thought to finish I pulled out the reading assignment for English Lit.
Chapter 3
After attempting to read and actually remember what I was reading and failing miserably, I pushed my books away. My mind still reeling from what Sterling said, I just could not concentrate. He has helped, or attempted to help over two thousand people. And now he was here to help me. I sat there and took in my surroundings without really seeing them. I wasn’t really that lost was I? I didn’t really need help did I?
My cell phone breaking me from my thoughts, I look at it to see Carrie calling. Just what I needed to take me away from my melodramatic thoughts. “Hey, what’s up?”
“Hey girl. Just bored, needed someone to talk to. Whatcha doin’?” She finished in a sing song voice.
Laughing at the fact that this is exactly what I needed just now. “Oh just attempting to do my homework. And not doing a very good job at it.”
She sucked in a hissing breath, “Ugh! The ‘H’ word. You have such a dirty mouth!” she says as laughing at me. “You kiss you mom with that mouth?”
I laughed with her, “I do. An’ she has never complained about my mouth being dirty.” Blowing a raspberry into the phone to get my point across, then laughing with her as she laughed at the sound. It was nice to simply laugh for no good reason. After what I learned this morning and now, all day has been spent in a fog of thought.
“So what are we gonna do this weekend? I don’t want to stay home again.” She whines at me.
I thought about that for a second or two before I answered. “I dunno. You can come up with something to do just as easily as I can. But I agree. We need to get out of the house.” After that statement my mind starts to wander yet again. Need. All I can think about are all of those people that Sterling said he had attempted to help because they needed it. And then of all those in need that had died, I know they died a long time ago but they needed help and didn’t get it. Then there’s me. I still don’t think I’m worthy enough. It would be nice to be taken care of, even if it’s only for a little bit. Coming back to the present I realize that Carrie has been carrying on a one sided conversation. Oh I’m so bad. I can’t even pay attention to my best friend talk about… what… dragging myself back to the conversation as she is midsentence.
“……and then she said she didn’t know what he was talking about…” ‘Beep beep’
“Oh, Carrie, hold on a sec.” I cut her off midsentence, “My mom is on the other line.” I put her on hold just so my mom can tell me that she has to attend a late meeting and won’t be home in time for dinner, also that my dad is taking a client out to dinner so he too will not be home. So, another dinner by myself. Again. Clicking back over to Carrie I blurt out, “How ‘bout we go to dinner, tonight?”
“What? Dinner?” she stumbles
“Yeah, you know that meal that you have at the end of the day.” I tease then laugh.
“Dork. I know what dinner is, you just caught me off guard with the question. Let me get some of my,” cough, cough, throat clearing, “ooommm’ork done.”
Not being able to help myself, I bark out a laugh long and hard, I can hear her grumbling in my ear but I pay her no attention. “I’m sorry. I didn’t catch that last part. Please repeat.” I asked while laughing some more.
“Homework. There. Happy? I said it. Go ahead an’ laugh. Uh huh. Just let me get some of it done then I’ll call you back in about an hour. An’ just for that you can decide where we go.”
Feigning shock, I gasp, “What? What did I do?” laughing some more again.
“Uh huh, whatever.” Joining in my laugh, “Call me back at about 6:30. I’ll talk to ya soon, bye.”
Hanging up my cell, then leaning back in my chair balanced on the back two legs I kick up my feet onto the dining room table. I enjoyed the feel of friendly banter. Now what to have for dinner? Where to go, where to go? Sterling? Do, I mean, can you, offer suggestions if I need you too?
What would you like a suggestion for?
Weeeell, how about someplace to have dinner? Can you help with that? I mean after all, I do need to eat.
Not trying to hide the smile in his voice replies. Yes Claire, I can help with a suggestion or two. What are you in the mood for?
I can’t help it. I roll my eyes at him. Well duh, if I knew that I would have a better idea of where to go for dinner. Can’t you just give me a restaurant or two to choose from so I don’t have to think?
Without even having to think about what he was going to say he just spits out his suggestion. His voice indicating he was not happy about being used for menu purposes. You could go to the Pizza Peel, or to Hamburger Patties. I have now given you two to choose from.
Cocking an eyebrow over to where he was hovering by the window I ask with as much dryness in my voice as I can muster. Ya know, for being a cloud you sure have a way with attitude.
I am a sentient being; there fore I do have a personality. A sense of humor too.
Cocking an eyebrow at him, Reeealy? When do I get to see said humor? I tried to not laugh but failed. Switching topics for a bit I ask, Can you make yourself look different? I mean can you make yourself look more human like or at least give me a face to look at?
He paused for what seemed like forever. But when he spoke his voice was just a little different. I can’t place how different, just that it was different. I can make myself look however would make you more comfortable.
Ok then, can you look like a person? I asked while I sat in my chair and looked at his current form.
He cleared his voice before speaking, I can, but you will have to remember that only you can see and speak with me.
I’ll remember. As soon as I finished my sentence he seemed to get larger, almost taking up the whole side of the dining room where he was at. He then condensed, next he started to elongate and stretch and split. He even became a little less fog like, becoming more solid. Soon I could make out the shape of a man. He was tall, with broad shoulders.
As he continued to change he asks, What color would you like my hair, or eyes? His voice was a bit breathy as he asked me for my opinion.
&nbs
p; I was a little shaken by it. Haven’t you ever wanted to look a certain way? He was almost shimmering, his shape slowly coming to a final form. He held out arms out to each side and raised them to his face so that he could look at his hands.
Yes, I have wondered, but I was never asked before you to change my shape, to look more human. I have always liked how dark slightly curly hair on a man looked.
Then do that. I would like to see that. What about your eyes?
Well, I have always liked the color of soft sage. It looks so peaceful.
I too have always loved that color for eyes. Slowly, so slowly, he added the shape of hair. Short waves of brown hair appeared. Then he worked on the shape of his eyes, he added the sage green color to them and they were brilliant, framed in rich black lashes. Next the nose, his nose was a good strong shape, not too big or pointed, just. Perfect. Then he moved to work on his mouth. Right now he reminded me of a young, very pale Antonio Banderas, about what he would have looked like at about twenty or so. You will tell me if I make it wrong, won’t you? Shocked that he asked a question, it took a second or two before it registered.
I shook my head to clear it from my wandering thoughts. Oh, um, yeah. I’ll tell you when it looks good. What the hell is wrong with me? I can hardly think with how he’s looking. Because, Oh. My. God. So far, he is looking very good. His mouth again was forming into the perfect mouth. Not with lips so big they look like they should belong on a girl but big enough. And they look soft. I wonder if they are soft. Holy crap what is wrong with me?
Claire? What is wrong?
Shit! I forgot that he can hear me! Oh nothing. I was just thinking. Suddenly scared of what he heard I had to ask. Didn’t you hear what I was thinking?
Only the last comment, I was concentrating on creating myself. I am sorry, did you ask me a question?
No! No. I… ahhhh…… No, I didn’t ask you anything. Hoping he was concentrating more on his transformation than on me, I continued to drool. I need to work on a way to block my thoughts from him so I can lust in private. I was now looking at his finished face. He is beautiful. He was now working on adding clothing to the rest of his shape. Dark crisp jeans with a light blue polo tee. Black boots finished the outfit. It must take a lot of concentration to do what he is doing because he doesn’t even seem to be looking at me, but through me. He finished with the clothes then shook off the trance like state he was in and smiled at me. I am SO glad that I am sitting down. My whole body just went to jelly.
Well? How do I look? His eyes glittered in the dining room light as he asked me with a shy smile on his face.
Not being able to block him out I gave him the truth. I think you’re gorgeous. I whisper. Then clearing my throat add, You really have given thought to how you would like to look haven’t you?
I swear I saw a bit of stain hit his cheeks, I have had, he paused and looked around a bit before returning his gaze to me, some help with what females seem to like.
Slowly I breathe out and almost whisper, Oh. Shaking myself from my stupor, I try to act unaffected by his transformation from hot air to just plain hot. Then as he looks down at his feet, his brows pull together and his face scrunches up just a bit. What’s wrong? I ask him.
His frown deepens just a little when he answers, Well, I have never had legs before, so I do not know how to use them.
Glad for the redirection I got up and walked over to him. Watch me. When I walk I move my weight from one foot to the other and push off with the foot still on the ground. Then pausing and looking at him, Or, do you really need to walk? I mean can’t you just float or something?
Looking down at me, wow, he had to be about six two or three. Unfortunately I’m not exactly what you would call tall, at only five foot three, but I have to look up standing this close to him. You asked me to look more human, I want to be more human. So, I want to learn to walk.
I looked him over as I prepared to speak. Well I would help you but the last time I tried to touch you my… he reached out and grabbed my hand. Shocked, I gapped at it, I can feel you!
I can make myself as solid or incorporeal as I wish. Then a little lower in tone added, I wish for you to be able to touch me, then straightening up adds, So you can help me learn to walk.
I’m not sure how long I stood there gaping at him but I managed to pull myself to the topic, I clear my throat, which by the way is now dry, and try to talk clearly. “Right, walking.” Here, lean on me just a little and I’ll help you take your first few steps. Just watch my feet and do as I do. He puts his arm around my shoulders, his hand scorching the skin though my shirt. I place my arm around his waist marveling at the feel of him and try again to keep my mind clear as it began to wander to things best suited to keeping to myself. So I just start to mindlessly walk. While doing that I start to pretend my mind is behind a steel wall, a big, thick, tough, and totally impenetrable wall. When I think I have it just right I move on to the next step. I then concentrate on making this wall into a box, folding and bending until the shape is correct. Then I fit it with an unpickable lock that only I have the key to. Just as I finish making my lockbox as strong as I think I can, I shut and lock it tight. He suddenly stumbles and turns his head sharply to look at me.
His face was the picture of shock. Eyes, and jaw wide open. Even his breath hitched. What did you just do? His voice rough and husky.
Puzzled, and completely forgetting my lock box, I look into eyes that were remarkably green and I ask, What do you mean? I’m teaching you to walk.
He looked at me with upset written all over his face, I lost you for a second. His beautiful eyes franticly search mine as he waits for me to answer.
With a look around the dining room then back to him, Ahhhh, you’ve been holding onto me since we started walking. I haven’t gone anywhere.
He shakes his head violently. No Claire, I lost my sense of you. He said pointing to his head. He was looking at me very intently, his green eyes blazing with an inner fire that I hadn’t noticed from across the room. They took my breath away.
I couldn’t help it, but a smile spread across my face and it just got bigger by the second. You mean I did it? Really? I did it?
Giving me a severe frown asks, What did you do? He almost, wait, was that a growl in his voice?
Um, Well, Suddenly I couldn’t look into his eyes without feeling a little uncomfortable. I kinda pictured putting all my thoughts into a steel box, a big, thick, unbreakable box. Quickly looking back up into his eyes, “I really didn’t think it would work!”
He clearly didn’t like that, his face scrunched, his brows came together and his eyes narrowed. He was getting real good at facial expressions really quickly too. You blocked me on purpose?
Still smiling at him, “Yes, I did. I told you this morning that I was uncomfortable with you hearing all of my most private thoughts. Again, I really didn’t think it would work. I was just playin’ around.” Suddenly a little mad that he was angry that I hid my thoughts, I pulled away and stepped back a few paces, “But I’m glad I was able to do it. They are after all mine to begin with. I’ll share when I feel like it.” Suddenly in the mood to test it out again, I imagined my lockbox. I placed everything into it. Then I locked it. As soon as it was locked, his eyes became big and his mouth dropped open wide. With a smug little smile and a wiggle of my eyebrows I said, “Can ya hear what’s goin’ on in my head?” I asked sweetly.
I took his still gapping mouth as a no. I crossed my arms across my chest and my smile again became bigger. Leaving him standing there, I turned and walked into the kitchen for a drink of water. I felt pretty good right now. From in the kitchen I said, “Ya know, I think I am in the mood for pizza. That was a good idea. Thanks for the suggestion.” With my thoughts still locked away from what I hope is still working I speak to him with my thoughts, Can you hear me Sterling? I wait for about a minute then let out a triumphant laugh!
What is so funny? Claire this isn’t funny. How am I to help you if I cannot hear you? H
e sounds a little, ok, a lot, pissed off. Ahhhhh, that’s so cute! I had to laugh some more at my achievement.
Cracking open my lockbox and letting just my surface thoughts trickle out, only the ones that I wanted him to hear. That’s actually hard, I really have to concentrate to only open my lockbox a small crack. I hear his sigh from the next room; Does that make you feel better?
A little, but Claire, you still have your mind shielded from me.
Squaring up my shoulders, I answer. You’re right I do, and I’m gonna keep it that way, so get used to it bucko. I peek around the corner and see that he is still standing where I left him. Smiling at this sight, he sees me and raises one full eyebrow. I in turn raise one of mine and turn on my heel to go to my room so I can change for my dinner date with Carrie.
Sounding a little angry, he growls, Claire!
Giggling under my breath, Sterling. I sing back.
I had just gotten into my room and closed the door, when I see him start to form, eyes blazing with anger, arms crossed over his broad chest and feet at a wide stance. Completely formed he materializes in front of me. Gasping first from fright, I move right into awe, then into anger. Yelling, “What are you doing? I came in here to get dressed for dinner!”
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Afterword
Beth Elisa Harris
For me journaling has been, at various times, a cathartic way to process life events, serving as life coach and counselor.
In 2000, my mother died at 75 of alcohol related dementia. Our family lived in a solid year of hell dealing with her end-stage illness. I documented everything. The emotions, dialogue exchanges, things the healthcare providers said, everything. I didn’t pay a therapist. I grieved, cried, screamed, laughed and raged putting pen to paper. That document has been misplaced through the years. I don’t remember what I did with it, and I’m generally organized. Perhaps I released it unknowing, never looking again for proof of its physical existence. I got what I needed from the experience.