Indie Chicks: 25 Women 25 Personal Stories
Page 77
The most profound personal victory scribing the events as we watched mom fade away was the epiphany that she forged her own path, made her own choices, and whatever she did and whoever she was had nothing to do with me. It never did. I was never my mother, and any residual animosity and anger for how she lived her life, or sometimes treated me — vanished. I was free, unshackled from the slavery of resentment.
The next time I journal consistently is in 2009. September 25. My mom’s birthday. The day I got the diagnosis. Breast cancer. The details follow in the actual, unedited, raw, sometimes profane journal I humbly share with you. It tells of a fork in the road that led to a rebirth. Maybe it’s your story too.
When I emerged out the other end, something inside me snapped. The curtains parted, and all at once I decided to get out of my own way and fulfill my life dream to tell stories. Vision was born after simmering the idea on a back burner for ten years. The story of Vision revolves around a powerful clairvoyant protagonist, a concept some view with skepticism, while others view as simply a valid sixth sense. Whatever one believes, the irony of how I came to contribute to this magnificent book is not lost.
Fast forward to September 2011. By the grace of whatever divine force or energy stream connects us as people, I had the extreme fortune of merging with a phenomenal group of writers who share common goals of sharing success, support and love through the prose that connects us. It’s sublime being part of such a talented and inspirational community. It’s also a relief, because writers tend to live like hermits, emerging for air and sunlight like moles to peek out now and again. Only now, there are a bunch of really cool mole mates to chat with, and sometimes we even alternate holding one another up, talking each other off ledges.
That leads us to the present. It is October, and I am again intensely cognizant it is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. I continue to wonder if I would ever open my journal to anyone (my family hasn’t read it), if it would or could make a small contribution to a community of women who are diagnosed daily, as I was in 2009. So, days before this glorious Anthology was published, something unexplained told me to share my journal with my writer group. This isn’t like me. I’m sort of private, and sometimes struggle with trust. But this one day, I had started reading a book about a woman dying of cancer by a writer in our group, and knew it was the right to do. I sent an email to about 30 people with a simple message, entrusting them to be the first readers of a very intimate phase in my life.
The timing was uncanny, perhaps otherworldly. I received an almost immediate slightly stunned-toned email response from Cheryl Shireman (a mole mate and most important, the force behind this Anthology). The exchange between us, to paraphrase, was astonishment. Cheryl sent my journal to Heather Marie Adkins to read for possible inclusion in the Anthology. Heather said yes, and Cheryl and I cried, her in Indiana, me in California, moved by the unexplained force behind our union.
I also cried through the journal you are about to read. The tear-stains remain on the pages, yet life moves on, carrying us forward on the raft of daily living.
But as long as I draw breath, I humbly carry a small torch in a big crowd of beautiful goddesses who survive, or who are survived by their families, or whose future is still uncertain, or who just got the diagnosis today, or who survived another challenge. I love you, for you are the heroes — the utterly perfect, unshakeable, resilient, tough, amazing, smart women who compile a sisterhood. We are forever bound together as one, even if we never meet.
We are all on a journey, whatever our story, toward rebirth, always.
About the Chick
I write great stories concocted from my overactive imagination. My first YA novel “Vision” is available for purchase on Amazon (hard copy and Kindle), Barnes & Noble, and Smashwords.
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Cancer Interruptus
Beth Elisa Harris
Warning — this segment contains profanity. This is a real woman dealing with a real disease. If you are offended, we apologize. But honestly, we are all much more offended by cancer.
Denial
Friday, 9/25/09
Girl Interrupted: I owe a debt of gratitude to V. Tartar MD who without her detailed comprehensive scrutiny of my mammograms would not have found the ductal carcinoma in my right breast. Today I grieve, tomorrow I fight. This is not a death sentence, just a fork in the road. My family and friends hold me in their arms and move my legs forward.
Anger
Saturday, 9/26/09
I am pissed. All my doctors, until now with Dr. Karolia, have told me it was ok to continue on b/c pills through perimenopause. If they determine the cancer is hormone-related…fuck all of you.
Negotiation
Sunday, 9/27/09
The weight of it all has sunk in, waking me through the night, “I have breast cancer, I have breast cancer.” Ok, ok, I get it. My family and friends continue to carry me. I have so many people in my corner, a circle has formed around me. Now I need to focus on getting rid of this headache and spend the day relaxing. Plenty to do this week but not today.
Acceptance?
Monday, 9/28/09
Is this acceptance? A layer of calm over the anxiety, knowing all will be resolved in a matter of time and it is what it is. Wednesday can’t come soon enough but until then keeping busy and distracted. Cancer sits on my shoulder, lightly tapping and does not leave — more familiar than yesterday — and is sometimes quiet and let’s me take in a breath, just for a moment. I am tired from lack of sleep and worry but peace lies beneath.
Not Acceptance
Tuesday, 9/29/09
Today not the best day emotionally. Started period so tired and also emotionally apprehensive and a bit scared. I was blubbering to Chuck today about how I am now a “cancer person” and all cancer-ie and how I want to live a really long time and have so much to do but this isn’t helping my odds. Of course, the man of my dreams always says the right thing and I don’t know what I would do without his partnership and love. He told me he read 3 case studies, white papers, written by physicians, about my type of cancer. Who does that — while I couldn’t get perspective today, having him in my life IS my perspective.
Thursday, 10/01/09
What a difference a day makes. Saw the surgeon yesterday and the radiation oncologist today. Not cancer, PRE CANCER!! Isn’t that what I tried to confirm with my PCP? Anyway, moving on and back from the dark side. They will treat the same as if it was cancer — surgical biopsy (breast conservation-partial masectomy) and probably radiation lasting at least 5 weeks. The stress of the last week has caught up to me, but have gained peace. I will come out the other side better than when I entered.
Friday, 10/02/09
My breasts are perfect. They are absolute symmetrical works of art — perfect size, shape, great nipples…I was blessed. So, part of this whole process is mourning for their unknown future from a cosmetic perspective. Yes, I know I could get a bit of a “lift” from the procedures and yes I know I can get them surgically matched in the future but still…I have great tits now and don’t want them cut and radiated. That’s it, I’m done whining for now. I am not my breasts.
Monday, 10/05/09
My body has betrayed me. I was not supposed to have breast cancer. I know I feel like all the other women who have this — worked out today and felt great. 50/50 on my term paper. Still, I’m spacing out, trying to get through the day as if I’m okay. Maybe I will be but not now — not right now.
Tuesday, 10/06/09
Submitted my story and picture to Susan B. Komen via Ellen’s site. I think I have a great story for early detection. I think I have a great story for women to be aware of the hormones they are taking and the risks. Called Vicky Edwards at Scripps to see how the scheduling of my surgery (pre-approval from insurance) is coming along. Nothing yet.
Later in the evening: having a meltdown. Read
ing about radiation fatigue and getting anxiety. I wish Chuck were here.
Resignation
Thursday, 10/08/09
Surgery scheduled for 10/27 at the Rancho Bernardo Scripps — where insurance will approve. I should feel relieved but still nervous. Some days I can get perspective and gratitude, and other days I can’t.
Working to stay as healthy as possible so I’ll start this process with an advantage. Eating lots of raw veggies and splitting liquid vitamins in 2 doses a day. I want to be strong and be an example for my daughter — I think in doing so it’s okay to talk about my apprehension and grief, after all I’m human.
Tomorrow is Friday. I love the weekends. I need Chuck around me.
Friday, 10/09/09
Felt good today. Got a lot done around the house and placed a moratorium on talking about my problem this weekend. I have decided to “shelf” it as much as possible. Looking at some comfy on-sale stuff at VS to wear post-surgery and possibly for radiation if needed. Later!
Saturday, 10/10/09
So much for the moratorium. This morning somehow Chuck and I got into a discussion about my now-perfect breasts and their uncertain future. Blah blah blah, same whining from me, reassurance from Chuck. Bottom line: Chuck “Better to deal with this now as it is than to lose you later ‘oh but had perfect breasts when she died’”. That’s Chuck. Circling back to what is real and providing a scary level of wisdom. I’m speechless. Moratorium back on.
Monday, 10/12/09
Working on Soc paper so distracted. Working hard to keep stress low. Feeling decent. Visiting SBK site makes me realize how much women are fighting breast cancer and how I am really at the low end of the spectrum.
Tuesday, 10/13/09
Almost finished with Soc paper. There’s a storm a brewin’ and I hope it drops much rain. I continue to be grateful for early detection. Chuck reminds me if not caught, I could have gone on, with the cancer getting worse, possibly on b/c longer…yes, it could have been so much worse and I am but a junior warrior among my sisters who have survived much more.
Wednesday, 10/14/09
Not a great day. Slept a fairly long time but woke up groggy and grumpy. Lower girl area hurting, not sure why. Felt sharp pain in left side last night before bed. Rebecca from HealthNet called, she is a nurse case manager, so I told her about the denial/approval. Said she would follow-up with that and sounds like a coding issue.
Saturday, 10/17/09
It’s been a few days. Getting ready to run errands with Chuck. Anxious to have sx on the 27th. Feel like I’m spending last days with boobs as I know them.
Tuesday, 10/20/09
Another few days have past. Had pre-op yesterday so ready to go. Were directed to talk to accounting to make sure the insurance was, you know, squared away. Sat down with a nice accounting lady named Armida. She asked if I had a co-pay. No, I don’t. She clicked all over the computer, updating information and asked again about the co-pay. Still don’t have one. After clicking awhile, she dialed our insurance company on the phone faster than I, well, saw her hands move to dial the phone. She was on hold awhile then asked us if we had a co-pay. No change on the co-pay. Waiting, waiting. She commented on how the recording said a 2 minute wait time and now it was 6 minutes. Finally, a person answered on the other end. They exchanged information for several minutes then she finally hung up. Good news, no co-pay. Time wasted: about 25 minutes. A dysfunctional healthcare system: Priceless.
Going to see Dr. Kahn tomorrow. I am planning on just moving to Scripps and living out of the car. Anyway, my entire lower area is out of whack. From retrieving the lost condom, to my bladder to IBS, it’s very confused and quite bloated so need to check for infections.
If you pretend not to have stress, does that mean you fool your body into thinking you don’t have stress?
Thursday, 10/22/09
Saw Dr. Kahn yesterday and got bladder instillation. He agreed my lower region issues were stress related. Said my DCIS was not from b/c pills so don’t blame myself. If that’s so, why are there so many studies and articles and medical opinions to the contrary? Anyway, hostile bladder immediately calmed after instillation and feeling much better, just still a bit tender in pelvic region.
Tickets for the Lion King Sunday for Chaz b-day. That will be fun. Maybe dinner before theatre — he deserves a nice day.
I need to remember to breathe. Doing goofy things, more forgetful. Had 4 half gallons of rice milk in the fridge, 3 almost empty. That’s a first! My nipples are sore, tender. Read that is due to estrogen being out of whack. Well, ahem, I just got off pill to stop cancer spread…is there no end to the fun?
Post-surgery #1
Friday, 10/30/09
Surgery Tuesday went smooth and easy. So glad it’s behind me. Boob is healing nicely and no real signs of any shape or cosmetic difference, as she was able to cut around the areola. Should have the lab report soon and will have my pre-op next Friday. Lion King on the 25th was fab! What a great diversion, and a great idea! More to come…feeling good.
Tuesday, 11/10/09
It’s been awhile. I’ve just been healing. My post-op was last Friday where I was informed they need to do another surgery to clean up one of the six margins that did not have negative margins, at .48 cm. Scheduled today for Tuesday, November 24th, the week of Thanksgiving. I am resigned at this point. Just because I wanted the surgery and radiation to be over by years-end, doesn’t mean it will be. I did not expect to hear them say I was one of the 30% that needed another surgery, but then again I was one of the 20% whose biopsy came back positive. Beware of small percentage groups — they should not be ignored! Looks like radiation treatments are definite but will start closer to the new year. Susan said after this surgery I will essentially will be “cured.” Cool…
Wednesday, 11/11/09
First visit with medical oncologist Dr. Kroener today. A long appointment where both her and her fellow did a breast exam. Is there anyone left at Scripps who has not given me a breast exam? Happily, she does not recommend a course of Tamoxifin. After radiation, chances for recurrence drop to 10%, and Tamoxifin will only drop chance 1% to 9%. No one believes the risks of side-effects, including other types of cancer, is worth the risk or quality of life compromise. Dr. K reminded me I would now be classified as high-risk for life and medical insurance. Oh well.
Friday, 11/13/09
Fitted for a diaphram. Condoms suck.
Thursday, 11/19/09
Wrote a letter (and mailed) to the AHRQ, the “panel” responsible for issuing new “guidelines” around mammograms and self-exams. I am beyond livid. Surgery next Tuesday on the 24th…sigh. Thanksgiving coming up…surrounded by family…nice.
Friday, 11/20/09
Trying to stay in the now and not think about much of anything else. Pretty content considering.
Post-surgery #2
Monday, 11/30/09
Ten days has gone by including my surgery last Tuesday on Nov. 24th. A bit more soreness this time probably because the first had not fully healed. Notice a slight reduction in my boob but not much. Nice Thanksgiving though I believe I worked too hard! Waiting for path results. Radiation in January I guess.
Tuesday, 12/1/09
NEGATIVE MARGINS…YIPPEE!! No more surgery, on to radiation.
Acceptance (for real this time)
Wednesday, 12/02/09
To complain about my slightly different breast size seems selfish and insensitive considering how many have suffered just during the time it took to write this entry. Yesterday donated $7.00 to buy a young girl school books and $15 to buy 50 girls lunch for a month. This is what matters, not my small, solvable, non-life threatening issue. Amen.
Friday, 12/04/09
Post op #2. Healing well. Last visit to oncologist next week then that part is finished. Preparing for the holidays, looks like Vegas is on. Decorating this weekend.
Monday, 12/07/09
I’M TIRED OF EVERYBODY EXAMINING MY TITS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(med onc appt. today. exam by fellow AND doctor and she’s not even treating me…pouring rains and windy)
Thursday, 12/10/09
Radiation starts Monday, 12/28. CT scan, measurements, 3 permanent tattoo dots (went my whole life avoiding a tattoo). 28 treatments. Thought I had more “time off” so trying to enjoy the next few weeks. Need to send thank you to Dr. K…folks in CT room “recognized” her work because she’s so good. My boob does look pretty darn good.
Friday, 12/18/09
It’s been awhile. Just getting ready for the holidays in Vegas. Gathering at Atlas’ this Sunday, work Monday, then leave Tuesday. Trying to relax for the next 10 days. I have been feeling kind of fatigued but days have started early and have been hectic. I miss Chuck a lot. Notable mention: I pulled off an “A” in Sociology this quarter while dealing with all this crap.
Radiation x28
Monday, 12/28/09
Started treatments.
Wednesday, 12/30/09
I can’t tell if I’m having fatigue from the radiation or from just being worn down perhaps from the holidays. 99.1 fever. Napped 2 hours. Feel better. Took down decorations today.
Sunday, 1/3/10
Struggled with the blues this week. Maybe going back to work tomorrow will help me get into a happy rhythm. Need to start working out again — I think that is the major culprit of my downer. Anyway, Chuck helps as always. Bought a new bed yesterday because our bed busted the day we got back from Vegas. Just collapsed while we sat down. Gratitude: We were not sleeping when it collapsed, and Ellington was not under there. Fun stuff.
Friday, 1/8/10
CRASH!! (Me, hitting the fatigue wall)
Monday, 1/11/10
Looks like naps may be a routine following treatments. Also, really getting itchy.
Tuesday, 1/12/10
Driving to the gym I needed a nap. After the gym I felt energized and not fatigued. Ah, the miracle of a good ol’ fashion workout.