Heart of the Wild

by Rita Hestand

  "I never said I loved him. We were--comfortable together."

  "Then why in heaven's name did you want to marry him?"

  Kasie studied the question for a long moment, the truth hitting her squarely in the face. "I suppose I've been so dead bent on not letting you and mother lead my life that I refused to admit I had made a mistake, on my own."

  "Well, it's about time you came to your senses. But what are you talking about, leading your life? Have I ever led your life?"

  "Always. Why do you suppose I walked out on Amory eight years ago?"

  John looked puzzled. "I thought that might be the case. But I'd like to hear from you?"

  "Because you arranged the whole thing, father. You took his life, and my life, and because you wanted him for your son, you tried to marry him off to me. You can't deny you wanted it."

  "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard you say. You really believe a man like Chay Amory would marry you just because I ask him to?"

  "He kidnapped me and brought me here, didn't he?"

  "That's different."

  "How so? Didn't you ask him to?"

  "But I never asked him to marry you."

  "O--of course you did," Kasie exclaimed, sure she'd get an admission from him soon. "I heard you talking the night before the wedding. You were bragging about how you snowed me. How it was going to be so nice to have him in the family at last."

  "That's true, but I meant my dreams were coming true. I was happy the two of you were going to marry. The way he carried such a torch for you, I was certain he'd compromise you before he married you. You wouldn't believe the times I talked to that boy after you went out with him. I wanted him in the family, but I didn't want you walking down the aisle pregnant. You were too young, and perhaps I was too protective. And yes, I wanted him in the family, but not like you're suggesting. Marriage was his idea, Kasie. I thought you knew that. I thought he told you how much he loved you, worshiped you. You'd have to have been blind not to have seen it."

  Kasie's face went ashen. No, she couldn't have been wrong all this time. Chay Amory had never once said he loved her. Not once in all the times they dated. He had barely kissed her back then. He'd always been such a gentleman with her.

  "You are so impossible, father. You can't even admit the truth to my face after all this time."

  "But I'm telling you the truth."

  Kasie stopped and stared into her father's eyes sadly. "Then I guess we'll both never know, now."

  His arrogance was unbelievable, and if she were sure of his health, she might go on with this little tirade. Now the real John Douglas came forth, taking his daughter by the shoulders and looking directly into her eyes.

  "Yes, I realize that. But I'm not going to apologize, Kasie, for caring and loving you, or for wanting Chay in the family. But believe me, it was all his idea. He came to me asking for your hand, and I gave him my blessing. But if you think I was overjoyed by him wanting to marry you at that age, you're nuts."

  "Th--then I've wronged him?" She choked, unable to forgive herself, and saddened by her own loss.

  "I don't know, darling. Only you and he would know that."

  "If only you hadn't been so controlling. And I so--blind."

  John's jaw tightened as he stared at her. "I never looked at it that way. I suppose you are right. And maybe you're also right about your mother and I being alike in that way. Too alike. Perhaps that's why we couldn't make a go of it. I know we tried. I loved her in my fashion, and I know, deep down, under all that bull, she loved me, too. Perhaps I hurt her more than I realized. But you'll learn as you grow older that if you don't take charge, someone else will."

  "It's this total disregard for others," she began.

  In his frustration, and the will not to fight, he took her by the arms, smiled a beguiling smile and promised. "Let's take this up later, shall we? We need to get on the road."

  "Alright," she agreed, gathering herself together with the burden of a lost love in her heart. "I'm sorry, Father, I don't want to fight with you. I don't want to fight anymore."

  "I know, Kasie, but with you it is inevitable. You have a little of your mother in you, too, you know? Now, don't leave anything behind."

  Kasie sighed heavily as she zipped her bag and took one long glance about the room. She was leaving something behind--her heart. Perhaps it had always been here, with this man, Chay Amory.

  "Now tell me," John asked as they packed the jeep and headed down the long winding mountain road, "How did you and Chay get along, after all this time?"

  "After the initial shock, I suppose we reached an understanding," she managed to say, the lump growing in her throat. The fact that she had been wrong all these years lay heavy on her heart, and made her realize that she had lost so much.

  "I hope you didn't hold a grudge with him over this. I mean, this whole thing was my doing, not his. I'm responsible. He really wanted no part of it from the beginning. But I think I managed to influence him with my dramatics. And just because he agreed to do it is no reason to blame him, either. He's been operating this business for some time, alone and doing a damned good job of it. If I'd have had a son, he'd have been the one I wanted. He's honest, loyal, and a damned good business man."

  "From the way he talked, I gathered the two of you were close all these years. And I'm glad you had someone, father."

  "He's the only man I'd trust to do what he did."

  "Why is that?"

  "Because I know him. And I can tell you that in all my dealings with people, they just don't come any better than Chay Amory and Tanka, except maybe their father, the Irish."

  "I've heard he was quite a character, too. Too bad I never got to meet them. You really wanted a son, didn't you?"

  "Very much." He nodded. "And I'll tell you something else I want, too, while we're at it. I want and expect some grandchildren."

  "I'm afraid you're telling the wrong person about that. I'm not getting married, father. If I've learned anything from this experience--it's that I won't compound one mistake with another."

  "Does this mean you won't marry that Springer character?"

  Oh, no, here it comes. He wanted her to admit she was wrong about Rick Springer; well, fine, he'd get his apology. "No, father, I won't be marrying Rick. I was wrong."

  "You say that as though it hurt to say it."

  "It did."

  Funny, somehow admitting it aloud didn't hurt as much as she had thought it would.

  "I hope this doesn't mean you'll never marry. Just because I walked out on your mother doesn't mean men can't be trusted."

  Her mouth flew open. "How did you..."

  "Margaret told me. She said a woman that lost her father as a child can be so devastated that it leads to mistrust." He saw her look of surprise, and he explained, "I'm sorry, darling, I should have known that Ava wouldn't promote this thing with Rick Springer, though. He's definitely not your type from all I've been able to find out."

  "That's what I liked about him." Kasie couldn't stop the smile playing at her mouth. "Mother fought this union at first, but then she soon realized it did no good, and accepted it."

  "Look, Kasie, I walked out on your mother, not you. I took you with me, because you wanted to come. Because I loved you. You've got to understand that. I suppose I was controlling, but I didn't mean to be. I realize I can't lead your life for you, but I needed to know you and this Springer fellow could make it together."

  "Did you have me investigated?"

  "Not you personally, but the people you've been with."

  "And I thought I was at last rid of your control."

  "Not altogether."

  "Not at all."

  "But I wanted you to tell me about it. I had him investigated while you were dating him. I didn't like him then, and I certainly have no use for him now. You're better off without him."

  "It wasn't all his fault, Dad," she began.

  "It never is. And I'm glad to know you learned that. But I want yo
u to remember there are more fish in the sea."

  Kasie folded her hands into her lap. "I know that. But I'm just not sure I'm ready for anymore fish."

  They talked all the way down the beautiful, snow-capped mountain. He wanted to know everything that was going on in her life. Everything he had missed out on. He even went so far as to ask about her mother.

  It was no wonder Kasie felt empty when they finally reached the lodge. It was too late for anyone to be up, so he showed her to her room, and said she'd meet Margaret in the morning.

  Kasie sighed heavily with relief and exhaustion. She wasn't ready for more confrontations. Leaving the cabin had been more traumatic than she realized.

  "If he had just said he cared, hinted about his feelings eight years ago, none of this would be happening now." She beat her fist into the pillow. Remembering back eight years ago how he had treated her, she began to understand some of it. He had been so protective and nurturing, too. A little like her father. Had she run from him because of it? That would explain it. That controlling thing. She dropped into bed that night without a shower. She didn't want to think about anything, just sleep forever.

  The next morning was chaotic. She had barely had time for her shower when her father and Margaret burst in on her.

  From the moment they met, Margaret seemed to be in complete harmony with Kasie. It was strange how friendly she was, and what a pleasant face she had. She couldn't be described as beautiful, and yet she was. She looked middle-aged, with graying brown hair, curled and pulled back out of her face. She wasn't petite, but she was rather tall and slender. She bubbled with enthusiasm. Her dark blue eyes shone every time she looked at her new husband. They were in love.

  When they went downstairs for breakfast, they met Rosie in the restaurant.

  "John, she is more lovely than even you described," Margaret was saying. "Don't you agree, Rosie?"

  "She's a real looker, alright."

  "How could either of you doubt it?" He beamed.

  "I didn't," Margaret corrected gently.

  "Don't let all this go to your head, though." John chuckled, eyeing his daughter closely.

  Their coffee cups were empty, so Rosie got up and helped herself to the warming pot on the stove behind the huge oak bar.

  The restaurant seemed deserted, but it was early.

  "And why isn't Chay with you this morning?" Rosie questioned, knowing the two of them were inseparable when they were in the same vicinity..

  "I'm sure you've heard about the plane crash?" John began.

  "As a matter of fact, I did hear about it. I should have known those two boys would be in the search party. They know that territory like the back of their hands. If anyone can find them, they can. I only hope no one is seriously injured." Rosie added.

  "Has there been any news this morning?" Kasie tried not to sound too anxious, but she was unaware that her face mirrored her concern.

  "No, darlin'." Rosie's brow lifted in surprise, then she smiled.

  "Such a tragedy," Margaret was saying, as she adjusted her blue linen suit.

  Kasie sat rather quietly, listening to them talk. She hadn't slept well. There were circles under her eyes, and she hadn't bothered with any make-up. She wanted to impress

  Margaret, because first impressions were important. She wore the only other dress in her bag, a bright yellow shirtwaist, with big side pockets on each side of the flaring skirt. It felt good to be in a dress again. It made her more confident somehow.

  She dabbled with her scrambled eggs though. She wasn't hungry. At least not for food.

  "Aren't you hungry?" John asked, eyeing her perceptively.

  "N-no, not really."

  John glanced at all the ladies around him, cleared his throat and wiped his mouth with a napkin. "I see, well, in that case, I think it's time we had our little talk. If you ladies will excuse us for a while…"

  "John, do you think . . ?" Margaret began, a worried look lining her face.

  "Don't worry, dear, it will be just fine." He stood up, bent and kissed Margaret on the cheek, and took Kasie by the hand. He led her out onto the long covered wharf behind the lodge. It was a long walk, mostly in silence, but his firm grip of her hand never wavered.

  What a spectacular view! The sea looked rough today, the wind blowing cold out of the north.

  "Kasie," her father barely uttered her name, turned to look at her, and waited till he had her full attention. "I want to apologize for everything first."

  Now Kasie was looking, with disbelief and shock.

  "Apologize, father, for what?"

  "For everything in your life," he murmured as though his mind had suddenly wandered a million miles away. "For trying to raise a daughter like a boy. That was one of my first and biggest mistakes. For the loneliness you've suffered in that life, leaving you, always leaving you for bigger deals. For your life, Kasie. There's so much to explain. I hardly know where to begin."

  "M-my life? Father, what are you talking about?" Kasie's voice was one of concern.

  "I should never have left you so much when you were younger. Leaving a child, in a wilderness setting all those years, running off to attend to business so much, while all the time your child is growing up under your nose. But the worst part is, you are a girl. I was wrong. You probably should have been with your mother."

  She leaned against the railing of the wharf. "Father, I've made it a rule not to dwell in the past, and you're just going to have to forgive me for being a girl."

  "Oh, I agree, it is a fine rule. And in case I've never said it, you're the best part of my life." he cleared his throat and thrust his hands into his pockets of his gabardine slacks. "Let's talk about today and tomorrow."

  Kasie shrugged. "Where do we start?"

  "With that Springer fellow."

  Kasie didn't want to talk about Rick. It was over, and there was no use talking about it. "What about him? He's part of the past."

  "Is he? I wonder. Why would you put yourself through that, Kasie? Knowing he might end up a wife-beater from the start, how could you even think to marry such a man, and why?"

  "You want the truth?"

  "Absolutely."

  "When I learned that you set me and Chay Amory up eight years ago, I had the feeling that there had to be something wrong with me. You had to ask a man to marry me. What I've wanted all along is a man that wanted me for being me, not being John and Ava's daughter."

  "But I didn't set it up, Kasie. I've tried to tell you this. I don't know why you would think such a thing. You were a child, and I was glad that someone like Chayton had fallen in love with you, but …"

  "I know that now, but not then. I lost respect for myself. In a way, at least. I thought I wasn't good enough, not woman enough. I'd been such a tomboy. And after careful consideration, I understood that no man wanted a tomboy for a wife. I knew nothing of being a woman, father. Under those conditions, I went to stay with mother for a while. I thought I might learn something about it from her."

  "But I'm telling you, he was crazy in love with you."

  Kasie stopped, refusing to hope any longer that her father's words were true. "If he was, he never said so."

  "I don't believe it."

  "Ask him sometime."

  "I will, by God."

  After a long silence John asked. "Who were you made for?"

  "God only knows," she said, with a sad chuckle.

  After a long silence, he barely touched her elbow to turn her to face him. "Tell me, how did Chay treat you?"

  Treat her? How could she possibly answer that question? A few weeks ago she might have told him a few things about his 'son'. But not now. Not after falling so terribly in love with the man again.

  "He's a bully," she began.

  "Male Chauvinist," her father agreed, with mock indignation.

  "That's the word," she said, happy to have him agree with her. At least now he wasn't trying to shove Amory down her throat. "After I got over the shock of what he was pullin
g, everything smoothed out, I suppose. But it took a while. We fought a lot."

  "Really? That's strange, not many people fight with Chay. And was he a gentleman?"

  Kasie eyed her father suspiciously. "I thought you said you trusted him."

  "I do. But he's a man, and you're a beautiful young lady."

  "Nothing happened, if that's what you're getting at," she admitted reluctantly. Nothing except I fell in love with him all over again, she thought quietly. "I'm sure he's glad to be rid of me, I gave him such hell."