The Only Way To Live

by M. A. Innes

  “I’m not easily surprised.” I had a cool head.

  I just hadn’t realized someone could be flexible in so many different ways.

  That was all they were hinting at, right?

  Derek was clearly taking the lead on some of this, but how much lead did he want and what was I supposed to do?

  Fuck.

  This was the part of dating I hated most. There was never an easy answer about what to say or what to do. Go too fast and they get upset. Don’t go fast enough, they get upset. The same went for everything from kissing on up.

  How could I figure things out when he went even more ways than most women?

  “Just let me know if you have any questions. I’m always here for you. And Derek’s a nice guy. Even if you can’t talk to me, let him know what’s on your mind. He won’t be mad or weirded out, no matter what it is.” Ethan was still mirroring back some of my own words, but it was nice to know how much he’d actually listened. There’d been times when he was a teenager where I thought I’d been talking to a brick wall.

  “Thanks. I’m good, though. It’s just dinner and hanging out with a friend.” Kind of a friend.

  I’d never really thought about him that way, but that was the best description I had. He’d always been in the box labeled Ethan’s friends, so I’d never thought about calling him to see a movie or doing anything like that.

  Now that he’d made his feelings clear…well, kind of clear…there wasn’t a way to settle on friends even if that had been what I’d wanted.

  Not that I had any idea what I wanted.

  “Pop.” His voice didn’t hold the normal teasing when he said that. “Did you have fun at dinner last night?”

  “Yeah.” It’d been confusing and strange, but Derek was…he was just Derek. Even at his most outrageous when he was younger, he’d always been fun to be around.

  “Then that’s what matters. Have a good time tonight, and I’m serious, call me if you want to talk. Shit’s confusing when you start dating. No matter who it is.” The concern in his voice made me smile. He’d always been a good kid.

  “You worry too much. I’m starting to think you’re the old man here.” I couldn’t let him worry.

  He snorted. “Keep talking like that and Derek’s going to be all over your antique ass. Remember, he likes his men mature.”

  For goodness’ sake.

  “Everyone needs to stop saying that.” Even I knew I sounded ridiculous, like an old woman who’d never heard anyone talk about sex, but it was still…something.

  Ethan laughed. “Oh, keep sounding that innocent and confused and you’ll have him—”

  “Don’t you dare finish that sentence.” I wasn’t sure what I’d threaten him with, but I had no desire to hear him talk about Derek’s reactions.

  There had to be some limits on this new world of oversharing we were crossing into.

  Ethan laughed. “Have fun, Pop.”

  I groaned as he disconnected the call. Tossing my phone to the bed, I sighed. Getting older was supposed to be easier. A few new aches and pains, some new complaints about how the world was changing, maybe chase some kid off my lawn for touching my grass. Getting old was not supposed to be about dating and oversharing and cute gay guys who called me Daddy just to drive me nuts.

  Cute.

  Yeah, Derek was cute. I’d never had an issue with being honest about how people looked, but after kissing him last night, somehow that didn’t seem like the right way to describe him.

  I just wished I knew the right words to use.

  Pushing off the covers, I stretched and sat up. I wanted Derek to see me as an equal and not some confused old fart who didn’t know what to do. Unfortunately, I felt a little like an old fart who didn’t know what to do.

  How was I supposed to be confident when I had no idea what was going on?

  What if he didn’t want me to be confident?

  He’d said he was a switch, and that meant he liked to be dominant sometimes. But what did that mean exactly? I knew the basics, but from what I’d read, even though that was a while ago, I was pretty sure it was one of those things that changed with each person. That was one of the reasons I’d been so worried about Ethan when I’d found BDSM sites on his computer when he was young.

  Did Derek only like me because I was old and confused?

  As I stood and headed for the bathroom, I stopped. “No, he said he liked to be submissive as well.”

  Fuck.

  How was I supposed to know how to be the dominant one?

  Dating was hard enough when just figuring out how to pay without insulting anyone was the most difficult part of the night.

  What had I gotten myself into?

  Chapter 7

  Derek

  Well, no phone call canceling our date had to be a good thing.

  Fingers crossed.

  “He might have worried himself into a heart attack or just decided to move to Mars, though.” As I pulled up in front of Sean’s house, I wasn’t sure if I was relieved or not that the lights were on and his car was in the driveway.

  On our first date it’d all seemed so easy, but now my confidence seemed to be escaping.

  When my phone buzzed, I almost jumped out of my skin.

  “You are way too tense. This is just dinner, for fuck's sake.”

  Fishing my phone out of the console, I smiled.

  Ethan.

  Dad says get your ass inside.

  I highly doubted he’d used that phrase. I had to laugh as I responded.

  Really?

  I could almost see his grin as he texted back.

  I’m paraphrasing. Have fun but go slow. He seems excited, but he has no idea what he’s doing.

  Chuckling, I shook my head as I hit the buttons.

  Not going to break him.

  Not on the second date, anyway.

  Maybe the fourth.

  But you want to.

  He was going to scare the fuck out of Sean if he kept that up.

  Please don’t tell me you said that to Sean.

  I got back a laughing emoji.

  That did not make me feel any more confident.

  Sending Ethan a middle finger emoji, I turned off the car and headed toward the door. Sean didn’t need to see me second-guessing anything to do with our date or our budding kind-of-relationship.

  Hopefully a relationship.

  Before I could ring the bell, the door opened and Sean was there smiling. “Hi, come on in.”

  He was more confident than I was expecting, but I had low expectations, so I wasn’t sure where the evening would go from there. “Thank you.”

  Deciding to tackle it head-on, I smiled and glanced out toward the car. “I was a little worried about how you were doing. I actually thought you’d cancel on me.”

  He chuckled, but the sound was part laughter, part embarrassment. “I thought about it several times.”

  Leaning back against the door so I didn’t do something stupid like kiss him, I shrugged. “It would’ve been a natural reaction. This is new.”

  He nodded. “But I got a phone call earlier that reminded me there is nothing wrong with having fun with someone I enjoy spending time with.”

  I grinned. “I can pretend to apologize if I overstepped.”

  Sean laughed. “Somehow, I can’t even picture you pretending.”

  “What can I say?” I shrugged again, a grin still spread across my face. “I’m a natural meddler.”

  It was in my blood; there was nothing I could do about it.

  “I’ll admit, I probably wouldn’t have mentioned things to Ethan, but not because I’m ashamed of anything—”

  I cut him off. “But father-son sharing tends to go from kid to father, not the other way around.”

  Which was why I’d messaged Ethan.

  If this was going to work for even a few dates, Sean needed someone to talk to. At the very least, he needed someone to look at him and say, “Good luck, man, I want you to be hap
py.” From what I’d seen, he didn’t have that in his life. He’d even kept the guys at work at a distance, and I couldn’t remember the last time he’d talked about buddies he hung out with.

  Besides me, and even that was a stretch, Ethan was the closest thing he had to a friend, so bringing him in just made sense to me. The fact that it might be awkward was easily brushed off. A little awkward never killed anyone.

  “Yes, so it was a bit odd for me but not unwelcomed.” He was clearly trying to downplay the awkwardness, but I wasn’t going to point that out. I liked this calm, confident Sean. I just wasn’t sure how long it would last.

  “Well, no matter how it went, I’m going to be selfishly glad it helped you to keep our date. I’ve been looking forward to this.” When Sean’s smile hinted that he’d been just as excited as I was, I decided to fuck restraint and stepped closer.

  My smile was probably a bit predatory, but Sean’s heated gaze didn’t seem to mind. “You surprised me last night. I thought I was going to flirt and tease to get a kiss and you just leaned in and did it.”

  His cheeks heated faintly, but he didn’t seem embarrassed by what he’d done.

  Licking his lips as he watched my mouth, he shrugged. “I might not date much, but I’m well aware that most enjoyable dates end with at least a kiss good night.”

  He was so cute.

  “At the very least.” I stepped forward again, putting me in touching distance. All I wanted was for his sexy arms to wrap around me, but I wasn’t sure if he was ready for that. “You know, dates can start with a kiss to show how excited you are for it. Are you excited for our dinner?”

  There was a flash of something dark and dominant on his face before it looked like he pushed it away. The resulting tender smile was just as genuine, but I was curious about what emotions he’d hidden. Had he even realized he’d done it?

  “I feel a little silly admitting how much I’ve been looking forward to dinner.” This time it was Sean that moved closer. “I’m glad to know it’s not just me.”

  I’d been fantasizing about this moment for years.

  “Oh no, it’s not just you.” I could only inch forward that time without being plastered against him. Every signal seemed to be a go, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and closed the final distance between us.

  Sean’s arms wrapped around me almost automatically as I stretched up and kissed him. I kept it just as sweet and tender as our first kisses, but that didn’t seem to be enough for Sean.

  Thank god.

  When he hugged me tighter and his tongue traced over my lips, I moaned, opening my mouth to him. If he wanted to take the lead, I wasn’t going to fight to keep it. Sean took my response as permission to deepen the kiss and his tongue slipped between my lips, sending a shiver down my spine.

  Fuck.

  For someone who kept claiming they didn’t date, he knew how to kiss.

  By the time he pulled back, I was panting and one of his hands was cupping my ass. That didn’t seem to be a conscious decision because he blushed as he moved it quickly up my back. Not wanting him to think he’d overstepped, I wiggled my hips. “Don’t move that on my account.”

  He chuckled, and instead of pulling away pressed another kiss to my lips. That one was sweet with a hint of teasing. His kisses were like flavors of coffee where there could be endless subtle notes. It could be addicting if I wasn’t careful.

  “I’m trying to be a gentleman.”

  Fuck. He got cuter every time he opened his mouth.

  “Don’t think of it as manhandling me. Think of it as showing me how excited you are for our date.” I loved how seriously he was taking our evening, but I didn’t want to fall into old traps that kept too much distance between us. I wanted to know the real Sean, not the Sean he thought should be dragged out for dates.

  I had a feeling he was trying to date me like he might date a woman, and part of me thought that was sweet. If he could look at me like that, then there was a possibility he could see us in a relationship. But he needed to understand that what I wanted was a long way from conventional.

  “Go with what feels right.” I gave him another quick kiss. “If you go too far, I’ll let you know, but I’m pretty sure nothing you’re thinking of would hit my limits. Remember I’m a switch, I can take control, but if something changes and you get dominant on me, then my submissive side will come out. But I won’t get mad or frustrated.”

  I might come, but that was another conversation altogether.

  Sean didn’t relax his hold, but he gave a dry chuckle. “This is like learning a whole new language.”

  Maybe.

  “But it’s one that I think will come naturally for you once you let go of what you think you should be doing.” I’d seen hidden depths in him over the years. He’d just fought for years to keep them tucked away.

  “I have no idea what I should be doing.” He took a slow breath. “I don’t want to fuck this up by doing something stupid.”

  “It would take a lot more than stupid to chase me off.” I snuggled closer again. “You’re not a mean person. We’re going to have miscommunications and issues, but as long as you’re not an utter asshole, I’m not worried.”

  He chuckled. “I will do my best not to be an asshole.”

  “Communication is key to any dating situation and this is no different. But when you throw in domination and submission, you need even more conversations. I’ll tell you what I like and I need the same from you. If something makes you uncomfortable, you need to tell me too.”

  Even if I hadn’t been paying attention to his expression, I would have felt his stress rising. I knew he was probably making it out to be bigger than it had to be. Starting small, I rested my head against his chest. God, I loved tall men.

  “I liked it when you held me tight.” Sean took the not-so-subtle hint and hugged me tighter. “That’s perfect. I like feeling how strong you are. It pushes my sub side higher because I like the strength and the hint of how you could use that strength.”

  He chuckled quietly, but it was more of a nervous response than humor. “That’s all it takes?”

  “To switch? Sometimes.” I let out the stress I’d been carrying and sank deeper into him. “It’s like the best trapped feeling in the world. I’m not sure there’s a good word for it, but take all the negative connotations of the word ‘trapped’ and make them light and relaxing. Then you might get it.”

  “Do all subs like to be…trapped?”

  “No, everyone’s different.” I was going to take a chance and overshare for a moment. It was my natural tendency, but not everyone appreciated it. “One of my first boyfriends—and I use that word loosely—loved tight hugs and would squish me against him. He was a closeted football player and it was one of the first ways he let himself hold me. For some people, it would have been claustrophobic, but I loved it. It was my first big clue that I wasn’t just gay but gay and something more.”

  “You make it sound like adding spice to your steak.”

  I laughed. “Yeah, I like a nice juicy steak, but it needs some kick to it.”

  “Not just a bit of salt and pepper, huh?” He seemed to find the analogy funny because I could feel his muscles relaxing and one hand started stroking down my back. “But not too spicy?”

  I grinned. “I don’t think it’s too much. Just a bit for flavor and fun.”

  He chuckled. “Now you’ve got me wondering how high your heat tolerance is.”

  That made me giggle. “I’m not sure you need to know that on the second date. I don’t want to scare you off.”

  Groaning, he kissed my head. It was tender and spontaneous, like I was too cute not to. I liked it more than he probably realized. “You’re going to be a handful, Pest.”

  “If you’re lucky.” The old nickname settled some of the worries I’d been holding on to. If I was still his pest, then maybe things weren’t changing, just getting better. I pulled back enough to grin and give him a quick peck. “Now, I was pro
mised food. I’m starting to think you brought me over here under false pretenses.”

  I was all for a change of plans, but I had a feeling that would be rushing him.

  “Hungry, huh?” He raised one eyebrow and smiled wider. “I won’t ask exactly what you’re hungry for. I might not be ready for that answer yet.”

  Smart man.

  I widened my eyes and gave him an innocent Bambi look that had him groaning. “I have no idea what you mean, Daddy. I’m a good boy.”

  “You’ve got to stop that.” His words said one thing, but the way his arms tightened around me and his gaze heated said another. He might not be comfortable with it yet, but the role-playing turned him on because I was pretty sure that wasn’t a remote in his pocket.

  He seemed to realize he was aroused around the same time I did because he stiffened and started to step back.

  “Oh no.” I wrapped my arms around him that time, just loose enough to make sure he knew what I wanted. It stopped him in his tracks, but I knew he could get away if he wanted to. “I love knowing I turn you on. Don’t hide it from me.”

  He seemed caught between what he thought he should do and what he felt because he stared for several long seconds. “I’ll try.”

  I pressed a tender kiss to his lips and smiled. “Thank you.”

  I could have stayed there all night, but I relaxed my hold and stroked my hands over his arms as I stepped back. “I was promised dinner, or did you forget?”

  “No, everything’s ready.” His smile widened again and he reached out to run his hand over my head. “I wasn’t sure what you liked, so I kept it pretty simple.” He chuckled. “Not too spicy.”

  I gave him a wicked grin. “I don’t always need spicy to enjoy…dinner.”

  That just had him shaking his head, but he was relaxed enough again to take my hand as he led us deeper into the house. If someone would have told me a week ago that tonight I’d be walking hand-in-hand with Sean while he talked about the dinner he’d made me, I’d have said they were insane.

  But maybe a little insanity was just what my life needed.

  Hopefully, Sean felt the same way.