The Only Way To Live

by M. A. Innes

  Chapter 8

  Sean

  So kissing was good.

  Cuddling was nice as well.

  I got hard when he was wiggling against me.

  I liked his smile.

  Okay, maybe I wasn’t as straight as I’d always assumed.

  “You look like you’re either planning world domination or dinner didn’t agree with you.” Instead of sitting beside me like I’d expected when we headed to the couch to watch a movie, Derek plopped down on my lap like a kid who wanted a cuddle.

  Wrapping my arms around him was automatic, but it didn’t hurt that it felt nice too.

  He just seemed to fit in my arms and nothing about it felt wrong. Shrugging, I tried to look relaxed. “I have no idea how to respond to that statement.”

  He grinned. “You can tell me what you’re thinking instead.”

  I was pretty sure I’d rather be planning world domination.

  “Part of me thought this would all be a lot harder to…I don’t know, process. Maybe that it would be hard to figure out.” Derek nodded like that was pretty much what he’d expected and curled into me.

  “And?”

  “You’re very persistent, Pest.” He giggled, not offended in the least. “I’m wondering if I was stupid for not figuring out this earlier.”

  “This?”

  With the BDSM and other things he’d talked about, it was probably a good question.

  “The whole not-straight thing.” Bi? Pan? Were there other options I was forgetting? It’d been a while since I’d gotten a new employee and had to learn a different one.

  “Well, when would you have figured it out?” I must have been quiet too long because after a few seconds of silence he looked up. “What?”

  “I don’t think I understand the question.” When would I have figured it out? I was over forty. I should have seen it by now.

  Right?

  “How old were you when you first started dating your wife?” He didn’t seem to mind talking about her, which felt like a relief. I’d always been told that you don’t talk about exes or the past when you were on a date, but sometimes that was hard.

  “I guess I started dating Shelly when we were sixteen and we were engaged at eighteen.” It didn’t seem like that long ago, but I knew doing the math would give me a heart attack.

  “Did you date anyone before her?” There was no judgment in his expression, so it didn’t feel weird answering him.

  “No, she was my first. She was my first everything.” I’d never even kissed a girl before her.

  He chuckled. “I bet you were so cute trying to figure out how to kiss her.”

  I snorted. “She kissed me first. All I had to do was hang on and she had everything planned out.”

  She’d been the one to insist that my love of tinkering on cars could actually lead to a job. At the time, other guys had teased me a bit because she was so take-charge, but I’d never felt uncomfortable with it. They’d been trying to figure out how to make jokes or look tough to get a girl’s attention and all I’d had to do was smile at Shelly.

  “So you’ve always liked take-charge people, huh?” His smile was teasing, but there was a hint of understanding in his eyes.

  “I’d never thought of it that way, but yeah, she was very in control and that extended to the physical side of our relationship. She didn’t look like those dominant women in porn, but it was more like she knew what she wanted and didn’t make me guess. I liked that about her.” I’d have never described her as a dominant, but all I had to do was follow her instructions to make her happy.

  “Is that one of the reasons you didn’t date much after she passed?” He kissed my cheek tenderly. “If I poke at something you don’t want to talk about, just tell me. I know I get too nosy.”

  Chuckling, I shook my head. “No, I don’t mind talking about it. Most of the time it makes people uncomfortable. Dates don’t want to think about your past and regular people don’t know how to respond.”

  “Well, I don’t mind hearing about your past because it helps me understand who you are now, and I’m definitely not like regular people, so you don’t have to worry about that either.” His teasing grin widened. “I’m unique.”

  That had me laughing and giving him a tight hug. “I can completely agree with that.”

  He was unlike anyone I’d ever met.

  “Going back to your question, I think that’s part of it. It was crazy for years with work and Ethan being so young, but once things settled down, I tried to date. Everyone kept saying having a mother would be good for him, but I struggled.” It’d been like wading into a foreign country.

  “It was a surprise to really see how different Shelly was from most women I was meeting. I was supposed to read their minds and all the rules had changed.” Opening doors went from something that was expected to something I was criticized for.

  “Yeah, things change faster than people realize sometimes.” He snuggled back into me like it was his favorite place to be.

  “I think that’s why you need to give yourself some credit.” The confident way he said it took away some of the stress I couldn’t seem to shake. “You started dating Shelly at a young age and then after that you were focused on Ethan and the business. There wasn’t a good time for you to stretch out and go ‘Hmm, maybe I liked the way that guy smiled a little too much. I wonder what that means?’ That’s just not something that happens to most adults. We assume we figured that stuff out as teenagers and then go from there.”

  Yeah, I wasn’t expecting to have midlife revelations. I’d dated Shelly, so that meant I was straight. But looking back, I still thought there were a few things I could have paid a bit more attention to.

  “I guess so.” That clearly wasn’t the right response because he smacked my arm and shook his head.

  “Don’t be so hard on yourself. It’s not like you’re eighty and just figuring shit out.” He looked up as I chuckled. “Got it?”

  “Got it.” I found myself kissing him again. I kept waiting for something to feel weird but that never happened. “That doesn’t mean I won’t be a bit confused, though.”

  “No one expects you to figure shit out right away except you.” He shot me a pointed glare. “We’ll take things slow and talk about it as we go.”

  There was part of me that was insisting slow was not what I wanted…but then the logical side of my brain took over and pointed out that since I had no idea where I was going, racing there might not be smart.

  I wanted to ask what he thought slow looked like, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for the answer…or maybe the whole conversation just made me nervous. How was I supposed to date someone when I wasn’t sure how to please them?

  I mean, I had a dick so that couldn’t be too confusing, but with the domination and submission stuff layering over it, how would that change things? I wasn’t even sure of the right questions to ask and didn’t have a way to figure out how it all made me feel.

  “I can almost hear how fast your brain is racing.” He sat up and smiled, trailing fingers around my face. “How about we take things one step at a time?”

  Letting him take the lead made the most sense even without the domination stuff. “What’s that look like?”

  He continued smiling but seemed to take the question seriously. “How about you tell me the biggest worry floating in your head right now? It doesn’t matter what it is.”

  Since I could see myself asking the same question if the roles were reversed, I tried not to feel stupid answering it. I took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay, I think the biggest concern I have is that I won’t get the BDSM stuff right.”

  “Why that part and not the sexuality aspect?” Again, he seemed more curious than judgmental, so it was hard to keep from answering.

  “I guess because that just doesn’t seem unfamiliar. I mean, I didn’t see myself as bi or anything like that, but I haven’t dated seriously in so long it’s not a shock.” I tried to think of a way to describe how
I was feeling. “It’s like knowing an old coat is in the back of the closet but not having a clear memory of what it looked like. When you pull it out again, it’s kind of familiar because you knew it was there, but it’s been so long since you looked at it that it’s almost like a brand-new piece of clothing.”

  Derek snorted. “Your sexuality is not an old coat.”

  Then he smiled and kissed me again. “But I get what you mean. I just want you to stop seeing yourself as old and done with finding happiness. You’d never let Ethan or one of the guys at the shop say they were too old for a relationship, so stop saying it to yourself.”

  Maybe.

  “You’re so stubborn.” That didn’t seem to bother him, though, because he was still smiling. “I’m going to have to find a way of getting through that thick head of yours.”

  I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, but his expression said whatever he did would be interesting. I gave him a cautious look. “I’m not a hundred percent sure, but that sounds like something that should make me nervous.”

  Derek’s expression was wicked, but the most amazing thing was that it was aimed at me. I made him have wicked thoughts.

  “Does it?” He wrapped his arms around my neck. “Or does it make you curious?”

  I had to keep reminding myself that he wanted honest answers.

  Hopefully.

  Complete honesty and dating seemed like two things that didn’t naturally go together. Even though I’d always told Ethan differently.

  “Curious. But I’m not sure I’m comfortable with that answer.” Honesty was easier, but it’d been so long since a date wanted it that it made me feel awkward.

  Shelly was the last person who’d appreciated it.

  I was pretty sure she’d liked my awkward moments too.

  “You're so cute.” On a date with anyone else I would’ve assumed that wasn’t necessarily a good thing, but Derek was unique enough I didn’t take it negatively.

  “How does that make you feel?” I thought I was being cute giving him back a little of his own medicine, but I should’ve thought twice about that.

  He pecked my lips. “Crazy turned on. But I’m trying to be good and not say exactly how much.”

  He was already squirming on my lap and kissing me and that wasn’t enough of an indication he was turned on?

  Yep, I had no idea what I was doing.

  “It’s going to sound stupid, but I like that I turn you on.” I probably should’ve kept that thought to myself, but I wanted him to know that while I was awkward, I wasn’t afraid of what we were doing.

  But the way he was wiggling his ass on my lap probably gave him a good clue about how I was feeling.

  Some things could be ignored but not missed entirely.

  “Fuck, you’re so sweet, you’re edible.” That earned me another tender kiss, but every muscle was tense and I could almost feel the energy inside him. “Don’t ever feel stupid telling me anything.”

  His soft fingers skimmed down my cheek. “I know a lot of this is unfamiliar, but don’t be afraid to share with me. This isn’t a random hookup or one-night stand to me. No matter how things develop, I want to be your friend too. And if we explore a bit of domination and submission, communication is even more important.”

  Logically it made sense, but nothing about humans was logical when it came to sex and dating.

  “What kind of domination would you want to explore with me?” That question should have probably come a few dates further down the road, but I was curious.

  Derek chuckled.

  The teasing sound sent a shiver down my spine. “You mean when I’m in charge?” When I nodded, he snuggled closer. “Well, I like to tease and control.”

  He must have seen my curiosity because he traced a finger over my lips and smiled. “Do you want a taste? Clothes on. We won’t go too far. This will just let you get an idea of what I mean.”

  My only excuse for saying yes was that there wasn’t enough blood in my head any longer and he looked so tempting. “Yes. But just a little.”

  If I wanted to be logical about it, I could say that I needed to know if it didn’t do anything for me before we got any deeper. It wasn’t like it was a hobby. He wasn’t playing around with needlepoint, he wanted to…do things.

  Not that I had a really clear picture about what that meant.

  Derek didn’t seem to be the type to act like the angry guys in porn, so I wasn’t sure how domination looked to him.

  Smiling, Derek nodded. “Just a little.”

  He studied me quietly for a few long seconds. “Can I touch your chest over your clothes?”

  That seemed easy enough. “Yes.”

  “What about your legs and cock?” He looked like he’d just asked me if I needed milk from the grocery store.

  “I…yes?” Okay, that came out more uncertain than I’d intended. “Yes.”

  His brows pulled together, but he didn’t move away. “If that’s too far, I want you to tell me. Just because you’ve kissed me doesn’t give me the right to make any other assumptions about what you want.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t mind the idea. It was just…unexpected.”

  He smiled understandingly. “Let me know if it’s too much. For now, if you tell me stop or say no, everything will end. But if it’s a bit much and you want to slow down, tell me that or tell me yellow.”

  Stoplight color system.

  It was one of the things I’d discovered when Ethan was younger.

  “Gotcha.” I could do that.

  That was probably the only thing I was confident about at that moment.

  “Lace your fingers behind your head and keep them there.” The confident, no-questions-asked tone had me obeying without even thinking about it. “Very good.”

  If I thought having him sitting on my lap was distracting, watching him shift to straddle my legs was mind-blowing. There was something much more intimate about having his legs cradling mine as he stared at me.

  Thankfully, he saved me from my curious imagination as he reached up and trailed his fingers down my arms. “I’ve had all kinds of fantasies about worshiping your muscles.”

  I made a mental note to look up what he meant by that because the look on his face said it was hot, but I wasn’t sure what he was talking about.

  Luckily this wasn’t a quiz and he kept stroking, wrapping his fingers around my biceps. “I love coming to the shop when you’re wearing one of your old work shirts. They’re tight and almost see-through, they’re so worn.”

  I’d always thought those made me look a little ridiculous, but buying new ones when those were still serviceable seemed like a waste of money. But Derek’s expression said that when he thought of them, ridiculous was the furthest thing from his mind.

  When his fingers finally started stroking my chest, I had to remind myself to breathe. “So broad and muscular…” The sentence seemed half-finished, but when his fingers skimmed over my nipples, that wasn’t so important any longer.

  “Your nipples are always hard under those thin shirts, so I’ve always guessed that they’re very sensitive.” As he flicked my nipples, I tried to decide if that was a question or not, but the moan that escaped as he pinched them made words impossible.

  My hands must have moved even though I couldn’t remember releasing my fingers, because Derek made a tsking sound as he released my nipples. “No, where are your hands supposed to be?”

  Shit.

  Grabbing his hips was not the right answer, so I moved them back up to my head. “Sorry.”

  “That’s much better.” The whole thing should have been silly, but I couldn’t deny that it made me feel good to please him.

  I found myself holding my breath as his fingers inched back to my nipples. When he started teasing and tugging on them again, I forced my hands to stay still, but my hips were having a hard time getting the message. It took everything I had to keep my ass on the couch.

  An educated guess said that g
rinding my dick against his ass wouldn’t be the right plan when he was the one who was in charge.

  “I wonder if I could make you come just like this.” It wasn’t a question, so I concentrated on staying still and not making stupid sounds. “I’d stretch you out naked and see how sensitive they really are.”

  That was much easier to picture than I would have ever imagined.

  I’d never had anyone talk to me like that.

  “Of course I’d make you hold out as long as possible. You’d have to wait until you got permission to come.” That had me making a low whining sound I couldn’t seem to contain.

  Derek’s smile turned wicked and he leaned close, giving me a tender kiss as he flicked my nipples then rubbed them softly. “You’d want to be so good for me because you like making me happy.”

  Uh, probably.

  But I’d never taken wanting to make my partner happy to that kind of conclusion.

  He rocked his hips, rubbing his ass right over my dick. When I moaned, he started kissing down my neck. “Eventually I’d let you reach down and grab my ass because I loved the way it felt when you touched me earlier. I bet you’d want to be rough, but I’d make you be gentle just to help you remember who was in charge.”

  I was pretty sure my sexuality was no longer in question.

  Evidently, I liked take-charge people no matter what their gender.

  Derek started kissing his way back up my neck. “Who would be in charge, Daddy?”

  I had to talk?

  What kind of fucked-up system was that?

  My brain cells seemed to be scattered all over the room and it took several long seconds to figure out how to respond. “You.”

  My boy would be in charge.

  Derek bit down on my earlobe, sending me precariously close to the edge as he rocked his hips and rubbed his groin over my erection. As he pulled back, I could barely breathe and he was all smiles. “See? I think you might like a bit of domination.”

  I must have lost my filter somewhere in the middle of his show because I sighed. “You’re evil.”

  Derek laughed, looking pleased as punch. “Why, thank you.”

  Then the minion of Satan twisted around and curled back up against my chest with his legs stretched out along the couch. “You promised me a movie, Daddy.”