The Only Way To Live

by M. A. Innes

  I was pretty sure I hadn’t ended a date with blue balls since I was a teenager, but as he curled up against me grinning, I knew what was going to be in store for me.

  Dating wasn’t any easier than it had been as a kid…some things didn’t change.

  Chapter 9

  Derek

  “What did you do?” Jules gave me a look like I’d hidden his favorite binkie again.

  “Nothing.” I was just in a good mood.

  Throwing myself at the other end of the couch, I yawned. “You’re so suspicious.”

  “You left Sean in one piece, right?” He still had a skeptical look. “No kink blasting and then disappearing?”

  “God, you need to move past that. I sent you an email with some interesting links once. I didn’t kink blast you.” He was sweet, but man, could he hold a grudge. “That sounds like some kind of fucked-up version of laser tag.”

  Jules giggled and relaxed back against the couch as Cinderella continued to play in the background. “I’m not playing that game.”

  “Wuss.” I sat up and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. “Your toes have to be freezing.”

  He had the circulation of a lizard but never remembered to put socks on.

  Jules grinned, refusing to acknowledge I was right. “So your date went good? It was a real date? Not just hanging out?”

  I might have been a bit neurotic earlier.

  “Yes, and it was a real date. Kisses and dinner and he turned on a movie while we cuddled.” It’d been perfect.

  “So why do you have the evil smile out?” Jules wasn’t going to drop it.

  “Because I got to tease him and fuck if it wasn’t hot.” I fanned myself dramatically. “I almost came in my pants just seeing the look on his face and touching him. He’s going to love nipple clamps.”

  Jules threw his hands over his ears. “Oversharing!”

  Laughing, I tossed a throw pillow at him. “No, it’s not. Oversharing would be going into crazy delicious detail about what I’m going to do with him when he’s ready to get naked with me.”

  Jules groaned and pulled the blanket over his head, which made his toes stick out again. “Stop that.”

  “Drama queen.”

  The mound of blanket giggled. “Takes one to know one.”

  Maybe.

  “But without oversharing, I can honestly say it went great, and I don’t think he was completely freaked out.” He was just a tiny bit freaked.

  I knew he had a lot to work through, but he was calm enough I hadn’t felt the need to call Ethan, so I thought that was good. “Did you know his wife was the only woman he dated before they got married? I can’t imagine that.”

  Jules popped his head out of the blanket. “Because you think that’s a straight-people-are-weird thing or because he’s just older and that’s what they did back then?”

  I groaned. “He’s only in his early forties. That’s not that old. He was dating in the nineties, not the sixties.”

  Jules shrugged. “I didn’t say being older was a bad thing.”

  “Sean does.” I rolled my eyes and sighed. “He keeps mentioning it like he’s an antique furnace that needs to be replaced.”

  Jules laughed. “There’s a joke in there about tools and fixing him up, but I can’t think of it.”

  He was so tired.

  “You need to go to bed.” Being a librarian wasn’t necessarily something people thought of as a very physical job, but he was on his feet for hours at a time and that was wearing.

  Jules started to shake his head, but he yawned. Sighing, he slouched back and pulled the blanket over his toes again. “In a minute. What about his wife, though?”

  Straight people were sometimes odd, but that wasn’t what I was getting at this time. “I just can’t imagine dating only one person and then settling down forever.”

  That seemed crazy.

  “If it was the right person, why not?” Jules rested his head against the side of the couch and yawned again.

  “What if they were nice but not the right person? What if you were kinky but never figured that out because you settled for the first relationship that was just okay?” I wasn’t trying to say he hadn’t loved Shelly, but he’d missed out on a big part of his life by settling down so early.

  “But if they make you happy then you’d never know the difference.” He started fidgeting, and when he glanced around, I knew he was looking for his binkie, but it was probably by his bed.

  “When he talks about her, it sounds like he was happy, but he’s feeling stupid because he didn’t realize he was into men as well as women earlier.” People could be oblivious, so that didn’t really surprise me.

  “Maybe he wasn’t.” Jules shrugged. “People change. Maybe he’s seeing it now because he’s changed as a person. People have been saying sexuality is some kind of spectrum, right? Maybe he’s shifted on the rainbow scale.”

  I laughed so hard I started coughing. When I could finally breathe, I saw Jules grinning, clearly pleased with himself. “Asshole.”

  “I’ve learned from the best.” But then he turned serious again. “But really, maybe he needed to mature and have different experiences before he ended up with you.”

  I was an acquired taste.

  “I guess it doesn’t matter. I just hate that he’s frustrated.”

  Jules giggled. “Because you like him.”

  We both knew he didn’t simply mean like him. “Yeah, but what if he never gets comfortable with the whole BDSM thing?”

  God, I was starting to sound as worried as Sean.

  “Then you make some decisions.” Jules didn’t seem to like that idea any more than I did. “But you said he likes the submission part, so you probably don’t have anything to worry about.”

  “Yeah, that didn’t freak him out either.” At least it hadn’t when I’d been there.

  I wasn’t sure what his brain would be doing now that he was alone, but he’d had plenty of time to worry about that before I’d left. After his taste of submission, we’d cuddled and I’d done my best to keep from pushing things too far.

  It was just so hard.

  He was so fucking tempting.

  I wanted to jump right in too far.

  But that was part of my loveable personality. I’d found some restraint when I started exploring my Dom side, but it still wasn’t natural for me. My brain just wanted to dive right into whatever was happening. That wouldn’t work for Sean, though.

  Pulling out my phone, I tapped out a message.

  Freaking out or doing okay?

  “You just left him.” Jules rolled his eyes.

  “I know, but I need to make sure he’s doing okay. Getting physical with a guy for the first time isn’t easy.” We’d kissed before, but that had been really innocent. But cuddling and my curling up on his lap was something completely different.

  When my phone chimed, I started to relax.

  Still a bit confused but my biggest problem was caused by you wiggling on my lap all night.

  I started to laugh, but another text popped up right away.

  Too much info?

  God no. Responding, I tried not to go too far, but it was hard to gauge his reaction when we were texting.

  There is no such thing as too much. I like knowing what you’re feeling even if it’s just blue balls.

  I could almost see his blushing laughter as he read the message. It didn’t take as long as I thought it might to get a response. I couldn’t decide if the phone made him more confident or if he was tired and had lost his filter.

  I liked holding you but I have to admit I haven’t been this frustrated after a date since I was a teenager.

  As I laughed, Jules shook his head. “I don’t want to know what you’re doing. I’m going to bed.”

  He yawned again as he climbed off the couch, still looking around. I smiled. “Your binkie is next to the bed. Don’t forget to brush your teeth.”

  Jules nodded as he headed toward
the bedrooms, but I knew that look on his face. “I will be in there in just a minute to check.”

  I heard a frustrated huff from the hallway, but it was mostly for show. The more he’d explored his little side, the more he’d realized that he liked having someone to “daddy” him, even if it was just nagging and doing little things like making sure he had coloring books.

  Texting Sean back, I found myself having to shift my hardening dick to get comfortable. He wasn’t the only one who’d been turned on.

  Well, unlike a teenager, you have the whole house to yourself and can take care of that bad boy in any number of ways.

  I was starting to wonder if I should have pushed things a bit further when we were kissing.

  I was fantasizing earlier about helping you with that. You seem like you have a nice surprise for me, Daddy.

  Porn star big was unnecessary, but Sean seemed like he had a good-sized package hidden away. I just wasn’t sure when he’d be comfortable bringing it out to play.

  I’m not sure what I would have done at the moment but tired me finds the idea…interesting.

  He was so funny.

  Just interesting? I’m going to have to work on that. At the very least I want wickedly sexy.

  He was either squirming and blushing or playing with his cock, because he was too tired to find his nervousness. Either way was hot to imagine.

  Oh, I can promise you’re already there.

  Grinning, I gave my dick another squeeze through my pants.

  That’s better. I don’t want to be the only one who’s hard and thinking beautifully dirty thoughts.

  Oh yeah, now he was starting to squirm.

  I have no idea how to respond to that.

  I was pretty sure he did but just wasn’t comfortable letting it all hang out.

  How about you tell me what you’re doing right now?

  There were a long few seconds of nothing before a message popped up.

  Are you trying to get me to sext?

  God, he was so funny. It also gave me a good clue about what he was doing or at least thinking about doing.

  At this point I’m just flirting and teasing but I wouldn’t say no if you were comfortable with playing a bit.

  I wouldn’t say no to a lot of things.

  I know logically that the distance computers and texting bring us makes it easier to say things we wouldn’t in person…but I haven’t masturbated to images of someone I know personally in years. It feels…I don’t know how to describe it.

  There were so many things rushing through me I couldn’t pin them all down. So I started off simply.

  I’m glad you feel comfortable enough to share that with me. Thank you. But it doesn’t need to feel weird or wrong. I find it incredibly arousing to know you’d jerk off thinking about me. Especially since I plan on doing the same thing about you in just a few minutes.

  I could almost hear Jules whining that I was oversharing.

  He was probably right to a degree, but I was pretty sure Sean needed that right now.

  I’m back to not knowing what to say. Thank you seems weird.

  Laughing, I stood up and started heading back through the apartment as I turned off the lights. As I went to check on Jules, I messaged Sean back.

  How about you thank me after you’ve fantasized about me? I think using me like that will deserve a thanks.

  Then before I sent it, I added a winking face so he’d know I was only teasing.

  Mostly.

  It was easy to picture, but it was just as easy to imagine messaging my Daddy asking for permission to come. I was having fun taking charge of our relationship for now, but there was a part of me that was longing to submit to him.

  I just hoped he would eventually be comfortable with that.

  He’d always had a real Daddy edge to him when he’d dealt with asshole customers or suppliers who were trying to dick us around, but I’d never seen that side of him come out in other circumstances. Of course, that could be because he hadn’t really dated in ages and hadn’t realized that side could be aimed at people he was interested in, but I wasn’t sure.

  And asking right now might be pushing it too much.

  That can’t be a thing.

  Oh, Daddy was wide-eyed and turned on now.

  Yeah, a Dom might tell a sub they need to thank him or ask permission to come. I have a particularly fun fantasy about you making me beg to get off. Do you like the idea of me begging or are you thinking of thanking me?

  Then another winking emoji went on the message before I sent it.

  Glancing in Jules’s room, I saw it was empty, so I kept walking and found him in the playroom bed, staring up at the ceiling. “What’s up, buttercup?”

  Instead of smiling or rolling his eyes, he rolled over and frowned. “How do you know when it’s time to tell someone you’re into BDSM?”

  “I’ve always been kind of fuck it, this is who I am.” I shrugged and leaned against the doorframe. “I’ve never been shy about that kind of stuff.”

  Jules nodded, but that didn’t give me enough information. “Who ya thinking about telling?”

  “Nobody.”

  I snorted. “Liars don’t get dessert.”

  “Meanie.” He huffed and rolled over onto his back again. “There’s a guy who’s been coming into the library a lot. At first, I thought he was interested in one of the volunteers because she was always there when he came in and she was hot. But she’s gone and he still comes in. He smiles at me.”

  So cute.

  “What’s he like?” Jules had a type, so I knew this wasn’t any clean-cut businessman if he was even thinking about the guy.

  “I don’t know. I avoid him.”

  Again, classic Jules.

  “Why?” I was pretty sure I already knew why.

  Jules sighed. “Because he’s perfect and having to tell him I want a Daddy gives me an ulcer.”

  I was fighting the urge to smile. “Define perfect.”

  “I think he’s one of the guys at the shop.” Jules peeked over at me. “The one with the tattoos and the big laugh.”

  Frank.

  Oh, that was interesting.

  “Well, I know he likes smart guys.” I should’ve thought of Frank earlier, but he’d never talked about being in the lifestyle. The only detail I could remember was that he’d always had a thing for cute nerds and preppy guys.

  I wouldn’t necessarily define Jules as preppy, but he was smart and quiet, so probably Frank’s type.

  “That doesn’t mean he likes a guy who sleeps with a binkie and teddy bear.”

  Good point.

  “Want me to feel things out?” I would push Jules but embarrassing him was not in my plans.

  He shook his head. “No, not yet. If he keeps coming around then maybe.”

  Even in the gay community, not everyone understood age play. We had a few friends who hadn’t been comfortable with it when they’d figured it out. And one guy Jules told early on had called him some crazy things before blocking him online. To some people, inclusive had a very narrow definition.

  It sucked and it was stupid, but it made Jules a bit more cautious.

  “At the very least, talking to him and getting to know him a bit might be a good idea.” I smiled when Jules shrugged again. “See if you guys have other things in common and if you click. Then you can figure out how to tell Frank.”

  Jules peeked over again. “That’s his name?”

  “Yeah, I’m pretty sure that’s who you're talking about.” I wished I had the answers, but when I’d worked there most of the guys thought I was too young to talk about sex or things like that with. After I’d left the shop, I’d mostly hung out with Ethan. I couldn’t remember anything Frank might have said about dating other than he was gay and he was into smart guys.

  “He was always a nice guy. And you know if Sean hired him, he’s probably not going to be an asshole about it even if he doesn’t understand.” Sean gave everyone a chance, but you had
to be open-minded and not a dick to work for him.

  “Nice doesn’t mean he wants to be a Daddy.” Jules sighed again. “At least not the kind of Daddy I’m imagining.”

  “You’re right, but I think first you need to figure out if you have anything in common. Even if he’s a great Daddy, that’s not the only important part of a relationship.” But the more I thought about it, the more interesting I thought they would be together.

  “We’ll see.” Jules was trying to downplay it, but I was pretty sure he must have had a thing for the guy if he hadn’t wanted to risk blowing things by flirting with him for our dinner bet.

  “Just talk to the guy.” That was the first step before anything else could happen. “Night.”

  As I turned off the lights, Jules reached for his binkie and bear that were sitting on the nightstand as he rolled over, snuggling under the covers.

  The twin bed was probably too small, but he liked the way it looked in his playroom. Most of the time he slept in the bigger bed in his regular room, but I had a feeling tonight he had a bit too much on his mind to sleep there.

  As I headed into my room, I heard my phone buzz. Looking down at the message, I smiled.

  I’ve never thought about either option before we started seeing one another but now I’d have to say both, even though I have no idea what that says about me.

  He was overthinking it.

  Don’t worry about what it says about you. Just think about how it makes you feel and we’ll go from there. I personally can’t wait to have you take control but there’s no rush. Neither of us will die from blue balls and we both know how to jerk off, so we’ll survive.

  And fantasies could be fun.

  Sean’s response had me laughing quietly.

  I’m going to say goodnight before I admit anything else.

  Texting back, I couldn’t resist teasing him a bit.

  Goodnight Daddy…I’m probably going to owe you a nice big thank you in the morning because I have a feeling one time just won’t cut it.

  I thought we were done for the night as I shut the door and started to undress, so I was surprised when the phone buzzed again.

  His response was too funny.