The Only Way To Live

by M. A. Innes

  Oh to be that young again. Have fun.

  He wasn’t nearly as old as he thought he was.

  He just needed someone to point it out.

  Luckily for him, I was up for the job.

  Chapter 10

  Sean

  “Somehow I knew I’d find you here.” I would’ve jumped at Ethan’s words in the quiet garage, but he hadn’t made any attempt to muffle his footsteps and I’d have known that clunky walk anywhere.

  “Just finishing up a few things.” A few customers were going to get a nice surprise when they got their cars back early.

  He snorted and out of the corner of my eye, I saw him leaning back against a pillar. “I’m sure you have better things to do on a Friday night.”

  That was a loaded question. “Where’s Christopher? I could ask you the same thing.”

  Chuckling, Ethan smiled like he’d scored a hit in the big game. “Study group. I’m going to go get him in about an hour.”

  “So you stopped by to get work done?” There was no way, but I could always hope.

  “Yeah, no. I drove by the house, and when I didn’t see you there, I took a guess.” Ethan pushed away from the pillar and started wandering around the room as I stayed focused on the car in front of me. It was done, but I could keep tinkering and look busy.

  “You shouldn’t stalk your old man.” He had better things to do than worry about me.

  “I wouldn’t have to if you’d actually talk to me.” Ethan had the same stubbornness I’d heard since he was a kid. “Christopher being at his study group just made it perfect because we both decided he didn’t need to be here when I talked to you about your sex life.”

  Good grief.

  Rolling my eyes, I stayed focused on the car. “There’s nothing to talk about. My personal life is going just fine.”

  “I know you both seem content with how things are going. Rumors say nothing but great things about your dates. But neither of you has that over-the-moon ‘I just got laid’ look.” He was so stubborn and nosy.

  How did I raise a kid like that?

  “I’m very happy with our progress.” Derek hadn’t seemed frustrated when we’d gone out last night.

  Well, he hadn’t been frustrated in a bad way.

  I kind of liked knowing he was turned on and aching to touch himself.

  “As long as Derek is happy too I don’t see the problem.” He hadn’t complained or pushed.

  “I’m just worried because you keep ignoring my questions about how it’s going and what you’re feeling.” When I didn’t say anything, he kept going. “It’s been a week since you guys had your first real date. I just want to know that you’re okay.”

  That was fighting dirty.

  “I’m fine.” I took a step back and straightened, closing the hood. “We’ve talked a few times and went out to lunch as well.”

  “Pop.” Ethan came back around the car and gave me a long look. “I want to know how you’re doing. Put yourself in my position and tell me you wouldn’t be at least a little concerned.”

  I hated it when he used my own words against me.

  “I’m not giving you a line of shit.” I tried to figure out how to word it. “I’ve enjoyed what we’ve done so far and just getting to know him on a more equal footing. Yes, maybe we’re going a bit slow because it’s so new to me, but I’m not worried about that.”

  Going slow wasn’t my issue.

  I just wasn’t sure how to take things to the next level.

  Would Dominant Derek decide when to push that or was sub Derek waiting for me to do it? His texts were sometimes sexy and flirty, but there was usually a comment or something that made it feel like he was encouraging me to take control.

  “Then what are you worried about? Because finding you at the shop at eight on a Friday night isn’t normal for you.” His calm look said he knew he had me.

  I was starting to get a clue about what he and Christopher were up to.

  No wonder he’d always hung out with Derek. They evidently had a lot in common.

  “I wasn’t ready to settle down or watch TV, and yes, there are a few things on my mind.” I leaned back against the car and tried to look relaxed. “Dating, in general, is new to me, but it has nothing to do with Derek being a man or anything like that.”

  I’d pretty much worked through the idea that I wasn’t straight. As far as I could tell without really overthinking it, I was probably bi, but I clearly had a thing for people who were a bit more take-charge.

  That really explained why some of the few dates I’d gone out on had bombed over the years.

  I wasn’t sure how to describe how I felt when Derek was in his take-charge mode, but there was no question about how I responded to it.

  It was just the labels I was having a hard time working through.

  I’d never thought of myself as particularly submissive.

  But if that was the only issue, I probably wouldn’t be working this late.

  No, he wanted me to take control too.

  “Then it’s the BDSM?” Ethan asked the question like it was part of everyday conversation.

  If I had a heart attack, it would be because I had to have this discussion with my son.

  “Ethan, really. I’m fine.” Hoping to change the subject, I started picking up my tools and cleaning the garage for the next morning. “I have a few more things I’m going to do, then I’m going to head home. Don’t be late getting Christopher.”

  Ethan just sighed.

  Why did he have to be such a loving kid? Raising him to have been just a little more self-centered would have saved me from having this entire conversation.

  “What about the BDSM stuff is making you uncomfortable?” He was clearly not going to stop anytime soon because when I didn’t answer quickly enough he charged back in. “Is it about the submission? I know Derek’s a switch, so him wanting to take control might be weird. But just because you submit doesn’t mean—”

  I wasn’t ready to hear where that sentence might end up, so I interrupted him. “I don’t have an issue with the times he prefers to take a more commanding role. It’s honestly very relaxing not have to worry about making all the decisions.”

  I took a chance and glanced over at Ethan to see him nodding as he started to speak again. “Yeah, I’ve heard that from a lot of subs. The regular world is stressful sometimes and it lets them get a break from it all.”

  Okay, so that part wasn’t as weird as I thought it would go.

  I’d never been the loudest, most aggressive person in the group, but I’d liked to lead. That was one of the reasons Shelly had thought that going into business for myself could be a good idea. I wouldn’t have to compete with anyone but myself and I could hire people who I worked well with.

  She’d been a lot more understanding about who I was at the time than I’d been.

  As I looked back at the tools I was putting away, I saw Ethan start to smile. “So it’s the Dom part that has you nervous?”

  Not exactly.

  “Ethan, go drive Christopher crazy.” He’d probably enjoy it more.

  “Not yet.” I heard him chuckle. “He’s next on my list.”

  Good grief.

  “I don’t need to know that.”

  “I disagree. If you’re worried about taking control when Derek submits then we’re not done yet.”

  I love my son.

  I love my son even when he’s overly helpful and a bastard.

  I love my son.

  “I will figure things out. The internet is a wealth of weird information, so there is no need to worry.” Some of the information was actually educational and scientific too. I’d been pleasantly surprised to see real sites talking about BDSM. I’d been braced for nothing but weird porn, but that hadn’t been the case.

  He groaned. “Just be careful; some of that information isn’t accurate or safe.”

  What did he think I was looking up?

  “I’m not going to do anything that
has the potential to hurt him.” Derek was…well, I wasn’t sure how to describe him, but he was certainly too important to injure.

  Ethan laughed. “He’d love it if you found fun ways to hurt him.”

  Their friendship clearly involved a lot of oversharing.

  “From here on out, as long as I’m seeing Derek, can we pretend that you don’t know all about his sexual preferences? That would make this much easier.” And a whole lot less awkward.

  “Hell no, where’s the fun in that?”

  I could not have raised such a monster.

  Aliens.

  My sweet boy had at some point been abducted by aliens.

  “You’re trying to kill me to get your inheritance early, aren’t you?” I looked around the shop dramatically. “Everything I’ve worked for gone in one heart attack from your dirty oversharing.”

  Ethan chuckled. “If you’re this much of a drama queen, you really can’t be straight.”

  “Thanks for the clarification. I still wasn’t sure about that.” I rolled my eyes as he grinned.

  Maybe the gay or straight issue would have been the more confusing topic to most men my age, but the BDSM seemed harder to wrap my mind around. People came in all different types of personalities; that had always been more important to me than what someone looked like.

  Now that I’d thought about it, maybe I shouldn’t have been surprised that I wasn’t completely straight because most men I knew I had very specific preferences on body types.

  “What are you worried about?” His tone was understanding but still insistent. “He’s not into anything crazy if that’s your concern. Have you guys talked about this?”

  For god’s sake.

  I was just going to have to get it over with.

  “Yes, a bit. I know he’d be more receptive to the conversation if I brought it up, but it’s not that easy.” I’d rather work on my accounting. “Sex in a new relationship isn’t always smooth sailing and I don’t want to screw things up. I’m also not sure I’d be very good at being in control in those situations.”

  Just because things had gone fairly easy as we’d started out didn’t mean it would continue that way. Derek might like me, but if I couldn’t give him what he needed in bed, everything would go right out the window.

  I sighed. “I’ve always seen sex as being very…balanced, I guess. Changing that perception is difficult.”

  It wasn’t hard when Derek was in control because all I had to do was listen to him. He was very vocal, and even if the dirty talk hadn’t been erotic it still would have been very informative. I couldn’t expect him to talk me through dominating him. Even I knew that would completely ruin the point of him submitting.

  Topping from the bottom or something like that.

  “Talk to him.” Ethan stepped closer and rested his hand on my shoulder, squeezing it. “Go through his limits and see what interests you. Domination doesn’t have to be huge and dramatic; it can be small things. Just play around and see what feels right. But the big thing is going to be communication.”

  I shifted and gave him a quick hug. “You worry too much. But yes, I’ll talk to him. And thanks.”

  Ethan’s understanding smile turned wicked again as he stepped away. “He’s not afraid to overshare. And I’m not sure he has many boundaries, so if you don’t talk to him, I’ll help.”

  “Absolutely not.” I shook my head, doing my best not to growl out the words. “You will stay out of my love life.”

  “See.” He chuckled. “Like that, but when you aim it at Derek, throw in more dirty talk and a few commands. You’ll have him—”

  “That’s enough.” Yeah, I lost the battle and growled out the words. “Go check on your boyfriend and leave mine alone.”

  He smirked. “Your boyfriend, huh? That’s new.”

  I can’t kill my child.

  I can’t kill my child.

  I can’t kill my child.

  “Go.” I pointed toward the door.

  He laughed but finally seemed ready to leave because he headed toward the entrance. “Go hang out with your boyfriend. I have it on good authority that it’s not too busy tonight and he’s bored.”

  “Go home.” I was not going to discuss my plans, or lack thereof, with him.

  His laughter followed him out the door, but thankfully he was gone.

  Some days you just had to remind yourself over and over that you loved your child and that they had good intentions.

  And once in a while a good idea…

  Glancing around, I made sure everything was put away and headed for the bathroom at the back of the shop. I’d changed into a T-shirt and jeans before I’d headed over and I was glad to see they were still in reasonable shape as I checked them out in the mirror.

  Scrubbing my hands and making sure I didn’t look too rough only took a few minutes, so it wasn’t long before I was headed over to Derek’s store. I’d been in there once for the grand opening several years ago, but I’d never been the type of guy to go into a sex toy store. If I wanted porn, I went online and other than that I had my hand, so I was good.

  Judging from some of his teasing comments, Derek was intimately familiar with a lot of things in his store. We were just going to chalk that up to another item on the I might fuck it up list. Logically I knew he’d been very forthcoming about his attraction to me and what he liked about me, but how could I keep him interested when I was so…vanilla in bed?

  At the very least, Derek was some kind of wonderful dessert concoction with tons of flavors and sprinkles on top. I was vanilla ice cream in a bowl. That wasn’t necessarily a bad thing. Some people simply wanted vanilla. I just wasn’t sure I did anymore. Hell, maybe I never had and I just hadn’t figured that out.

  It was probably strange, but I kept thinking back to my relationship with Shelly. She’d never been a passive partner in the bedroom. Would she have liked BDSM if we’d had any real exposure to it?

  Maybe.

  But hell, there’d only been one out gay kid and one closeted kid that I’d known of in our graduating class in high school and the internet wasn’t much help with that kind of stuff back in the day. Even with the variety of people I’d always tried to hire at the garage, it’d been years before anyone around me had mentioned BDSM in anything other than a dirty joke.

  As I pulled up in front of the door, I had to smile. Shelly would have found all this hilarious. If guardian angels were really a thing, I knew I had Shelly jumping up and down in the background urging me on. “Shelly, what have I gotten myself into?”

  I could almost hear her tinkling laughter as I turned off the car and headed toward the door. Yeah, she would have gotten a very perverse kick out of all of this.

  And it wouldn’t have taken her years to finally go inside the store.

  Ethan had mentioned it was a slow night. Part of me knew that I should wish more customers on Derek, but I wasn’t sure I was ready for that. I liked the emptiness that greeted me as I walked in the door. I was a wuss.

  I knew I’d have to get used to people being there if we kept seeing each other, but it was a daunting feeling. How were you supposed to say hello to people you knew when they had dildos or dirty movies in their hands?

  Yeah, we technically weren’t a small town, but I’d been there long enough that I knew all the locals and even a good portion of the college faculty.

  That was going to be awkward.

  “Nice cock ring, and oh yeah, we’ll see you next week for that oil change.” Shit.

  If I’d been hidden away at the office for the past few years it might be easier, but I tried to spend as much time as I could at the local garage and visiting the others I had around the area. Yeah, the one here was my baby, but I made sure the others were well taken care of.

  “You look like you just walked into a room full of attack monkeys.” Derek’s choice of words had me chuckling as I turned toward his voice.

  “Attack monkeys?”

  He grinned and started
walking down the aisle, coming from what I assumed was a storage room. “It was the first thing I thought of.”

  “You have a very interesting mind.” I’d been trying to keep the talk light, but something low in me tightened as he walked steadily closer.

  “Is that all you want me for? My interesting mind?” He was teasing back but instead of the light fluffy kind, this seemed more wicked.

  But he was at work.

  I was still trying to decide how to handle that as he stepped closer and wrapped his arms around me. It was automatic to gather him in my arms, but my brain still hadn’t caught up.

  Probably due to the fact that all the blood was going south again.

  He had that effect on me.

  “I like that you’re smart and funny.” I swallowed hard as he wiggled closer. Even I could take the hint that he didn’t just want to hear about his mind. “But I like the way you kiss and how you feel in my arms.”

  And there were other things I was becoming more curious about, but I wasn’t sure those were appropriate for work topics.

  Evidently, I was wrong.

  “I love the way your ass fills out those jeans.” He gave me a very contrived pout that was still effective. “Don’t you like mine?”

  Shit.

  “I…um…” Yes.

  That seemed a bit too…straightforward to admit though.

  “I love the way you look.” That was easier.

  Was I just supposed to lay it all out there and say I liked his ass and when he squirmed against me it made me curious about what his dick would feel like in my hands?

  If I’d said something comparable to most of the women I’d dated, I’d either end up married in a week or she’d slap me.

  Dating a man was easier and harder at the same time.

  I was having to learn all new rules and social norms. That had to be the hardest part about discovering I wasn’t straight. This shit needed to come with a rule book.

  Derek chuckled and gave me a little peck before his expression softened. Something about his hold on me changed and I knew he was pulling back the wicked side that he’d wanted to bring out to play.

  Shit.

  I’d fucked it up somehow.

  I just wasn’t sure how to fix it.