All My Love, Detrick

by Kagan, Roberta

  “Hello, Karl. Welcome to our group.” Ada smiled.

  “Thank you.”

  “Mordichai, we should discuss securing weapons tonight. The Polish resistance has offered us some help.” Ada turned her attention to Mordichai.

  “Do you trust them?” Yankle asked.

  “I don’t know. But do we have a choice?” Ada waved a greeting to a woman on the other side of the room.

  “That’s true. We don’t really have a choice. We need them,” Mordichai said.

  Ada caught the look of raw desire in Karl’s eyes. His admiration could not be concealed. Flattered at his open attention, Ada met his eyes with a deep stare. Then, smiling, she licked her lips and she winked. Ada’s brazen behavior embarrassed Karl, and he turned away. Never had he met a woman so bold. Even the married lady at the cobbler shop whom he’d had a crush on had not been so open. Now, turning back, he tried to catch Ada’s attention again, but she had changed directions. Somehow she seemed to have completely forgotten him. Lost in a fevered conversation with Mordechai, she never so much as looked Karl’s way the rest of the evening.

  That night Karl learned of plans to create a resistance army. A secret underground society of which he was now a part of had formed a group of fighters who, win or lose, would not go willingly to the death camps. The idea of fighting Nazis appealed to Karl. For as long as he could remember, he had tried with little success to influence his fellow Jews to be strong. Here, amongst this small band of rebels, he’d found a home. At first he’d come to meet Ada, and his feelings for her had not changed. But once he’d heard the powerful speeches, he knew he belonged with this clan of Jews longing to build their own Jewish state in Palestine.

  After a date had been set for a follow up meeting, Mordechi dismissed the group. Karl descended the stairs and walked out into the street. Jews were forbidden to be out after curfew, so the crowd dispersed quietly, slithering through alleyways. Karl ducked into an opening between buildings and lit a cigarette. Taking a deep breath, he looked out - watching, waiting, always careful.

  Then he saw her.

  “Ada.”

  “Karl.” She walked over to him. “You should get home.”

  “Yes, I should…and you too. It’s not safe to be out in the street.”

  “Would you like to come to my flat? I live just a few steps from here. I have a little coffee, and perhaps we can talk a bit more.”

  “I would like that.”

  When they arrived, he saw that each of the three women Ada shared her two small rooms with had curtain dividers, affording them a small bit of privacy.

  “I wish I could offer you something to eat. I am afraid we are very low on food, and my roommates and I are very frugal with what little we have. I just looked; I thought I had some coffee, but I’m afraid it’s all gone.”

  He laughed. “I have plenty of food. I will bring you some.”

  “Plenty…how did you manage that? Don’t tell me you’re a Judenrat.”

  “Me? No! I’ve been dabbling in the black market. I guess you could say I refuse to starve.”

  She nodded in understanding. Then, walking over to him, she put her arms around his neck and kissed him full upon the lips.

  Karl, shocked, did not respond immediately.

  “Is something wrong?”

  “No…no…you just surprised me is all.” How could he tell her that he had never been with a woman before? He’d been so busy fighting the world that he’d never taken the time to become involved with anyone. And just as he had thought he might have his first encounter with a woman, he’d been arrested.

  “Don’t you like me?”

  “Of course. You’re beautiful. I’d be a fool not to like you.”

  “Then…would you like to make love to me?” She whispered so as not to disturb the women who slept just feet away.

  He nodded unable to speak.

  Slowly she unbuttoned her blouse. Karl felt dizzy, as if he might faint, when she removed her shirt. In his entire life, he’d never seen such beauty or been so moved by anything. When she stood naked before him, he stared, unable to avert his eyes. Her small but rounded breasts stood high on her chest, and the curve of her hips rolled softly from her tiny waist.

  “You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. You’re like a statue of a goddess.”

  She laughed. “I’m very real Karl. Come over here…touch me.”

  He tried to control the trembling of his hand as he tenderly caressed her face.

  “Are you a virgin?” she asked him

  “No.” he lied. Then, looking deep into her onyx eyes, he whispered, “Yes.”

  “It’s all right. I’ll teach you.”

  In her arms the strong man became weak and vulnerable. Through the night he held her close, kissing and caressing the soft white skin that covered her like silk. The sweet smell of flowers drifted from her hair. Instead of eating one week, she’d traded some of her food rations for wonderful rose oil soap. Intoxicated by the fragrance, and the moment, Karl lost himself in Ada.

  Once she slept, he lay beside her, wondering if this had been what he’d searched for his entire life.

  In the morning, when Ada awakened to find Karl watching her, she turned to him.

  “Karl, listen to me. I have no time for love. We have only today…only this moment. In this moment, we must grab all that we can; for us, tomorrow may never come. Do you understand me?”

  “No.”

  “Karl, no one is promised tomorrow. We Jews here in this ghetto…least of all. That is why I did not wait to take you to my bed. Before all of this began, I taught young children. My husband worked as a professor at the university. We lived quiet lives. Then one morning the Gestapo came and took him away. I have not seen him for years. I don’t know if he is dead or alive. Funny thing is, I am not sure we could ever live as man and wife again. I have changed so much. In my other life, the life before the war, I could never have been so bold. But now, Karl, now, I live for the moment. For the moment is all I have.”

  “And your dreams…you have dreams…dreams of Palestine, of the future. I know you do. I've heard you speak.”

  “Yes, Karl. When dreams are all we have, they become even more precious, but they also can weaken us and make us helpless. I have lost so much…so much…my husband, my parents, everyone, everything.”

  “But what is the meaning of living if we never allow ourselves to dream, or to feel? Ada, I know it is soon, but as you said, we are not promised tomorrow, and so we must live at a faster pace then we once did. I am trying to say that I have more feelings for you than I’ve had for anyone ever before.” He grew silent for a few moments. Then although he felt foolish, he knew he must continue. “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

  She did not answer. For a long time an awkward silence hovered over them.

  “You should leave.” Ada averted her eyes.

  Karl didn’t answer. He left the bed slowly and began to dress. A cold chill ran over Ada as she watched him. When he’d finished he walked to the door. “This is what you want, so, goodbye.”

  “Goodbye, Karl.”

  As his hand curled around the door knob, Karl felt his heart sink.

  “Karl, please. I’m confused. I don’t know what I want. Will you please stay the night?”

  He turned to see her holding the blanket around her body. The beauty of her curving white shoulders made him ache. He would not judge her, nor would he hold her fears against her. He felt them too, but he’d been alone too long. Without a word, he returned to the small cot, removed his clothes and took her into his arms. He could not help but notice her face was wet with tears.

  Chapter 93

  The following morning Ada awoke and dressed.

  “I have to leave. So you must go, too.”

  “Can I come by and see you again? Later tonight, perhaps?”

  “If you’d like.”

  He longed to ask her where she planned to go, but he dared not. If he poss
essed her too tightly, he feared she would turn away. So he smiled, got dressed, kissed her cavalierly and left.

  That night Karl brought food, as he’d promised. When he arrived, he handed a basket filled to the brim to Ada.

  “A small token of my affection.”

  Although Ada stood five feet, eight inches tall, she still had to reach up to kiss Karl.

  “Thank you.” She smiled.

  “You are very welcome.”

  “Karl?”

  “Yes?” He stroked her hair once again, touched by her loveliness.

  “Please, don’t think me ungrateful. I appreciate the extra food, and God knows we can use it. You see, one of the women I live with is pregnant, God help her. She hid it for a very long time; however, she is very hungry and eats almost all of our food.” She laughed. “It annoys me sometimes, but I pity her; she is so alone and frightened. Karl, I don’t know how to say this without sounding like an ingrate, but there is something I need even more than food.”

  “Tell me?”

  “Well, I will pay you what I can.”

  “What is it Ada? I didn’t ask you to pay me…just tell me.”

  “Do you think you might be able to get pencils, paper, even books, perhaps?”

  “For you, of course I will find them. But do you mind me asking what you need them for?”

  “Have you ever met Janusz Korczak? Or maybe you know him as Henryk Goldsemit? Perhaps you have seen or heard of him around the Ghetto.”

  “The name doesn’t sound familiar. Who is he?”

  “He’s a children’s doctor who became a teacher and writer of children’s books. Two blocks down from here he has established an orphanage. After he taught me his teaching method, I began to work with him and the children.”

  “You see, you do have dreams.” He touched her chin and bent to kiss her lips.

  “Yes, I suppose I do, Karl. If we give up on everything, then what will be left? I just try to protect my heart. When I work with these little ones, I try so hard not to love them because they die, Karl. They are not strong, and the lack of food and disease here takes so many.” She turned away from him. “If the Jews are to have a future as a people it will be the children who will bring it about. I must believe, Karl… I must. Somehow I must hold fast to the dream that these young people will someday live and work in a true Jewish state, where they will have no fear of being who they are. And when they get there, I want to be sure they know how to read, write and do arithmetic.”

  Warmth and affection for her washed over him. For all of her attempts at remaining distant, Karl saw that Ada had a heart as big as all of Germany.

  “I’ll get the supplies for you. I’ll go tonight.”

  Chapter 94

  Berlin

  On a gray day, a light rain combined with a cold breeze blew outside the Nazi headquarters building. Konrad lit another cigarette. He’d smoked the previous one so low he’d burned his fingers. A new job had been created to instruct others on the use of the punch card machine. Offering a significant pay raise for Konrad, it would be considered a promotion, and he wanted to be the one chosen for the position.

  Detrick sat at his desk in the area adjacent to Konrad’s office, looking over files and wishing the clock would move time along faster so he could be free of this workplace.

  Another round of pathetic-looking Jews lined up outside to be checked in. Although it had not been openly discussed with him, Detrick knew that executions of innocent people were taking place. He shuddered to think of Jacob and Leah.

  Their new home, so far, had proved to be as safe as could be hoped for. Although the living space in the attic had insect infestations, the Abdensterns were grateful for the refuge. Detrick and Leah did what they could to help keep the area as clean as possible.

  “Detrick, come here,” Konrad called to him.

  “Heil Hitler.” Detrick was careful to salute when he entered the office.

  “Heil Hitler. Look…today, you are going to check some of these Jews in and get them ready for transport to the work camps. I’m terribly busy and don’t have the time for this. So I’m relying on you. Are we clear?”

  “Yes.” Detrick’s stomach responded angrily with a sharp knife-like pain. But he smiled, not meeting Konrad’s gaze.

  “Good. Take care of it. I am involved in the making of some important plans.”

  “I understand.”

  Detrick walked outside. A slight headache began over his eye, and traveled up the side of his head to his temple.

  The job should have been easy. All that was expected of him was to sit at a table at the front of the line of Jews. As each family came before him, he must ask for their information. Then direct them into the line to be transported to the camp. Simple, right? Not for Detrick. He knew where the poor souls were headed and what awaited them when they arrived. Having knowledge of the fate of these fellow human beings tortured Detrick, but he knew he dare not speak out. Instead he took the cards without asking questions. A pile grew upon the desk. His head pounded as if a hammer drummed inside of it.

  When he got up to pour himself a cup of coffee, Detrick saw someone he recognized standing at the front of the line. Although he was skinny, covered in open sores and stripped of his fancy clothes, the man who stood before him could be none other than Lewis Shapiro.

  The desire for revenge sparked like a flashing light of triumph in Detrick’s mind. Once, long ago, this man had humiliated him, attempted to seduce Leah, and then, proving himself to be less than a gentleman when she’d denied him his way, he’d left her alone to walk home in the dark of night. Now, Detrick held power over Lewis and his family. Taller by more than a foot, Detrick stood looking at Lewis. His black uniform terrified his prisoner. For the first time, Detrick wanted to show domination. Lewis’ fate and the fate of his entire family, who stood with him, lay in Detrick’s hands. If Detrick so chose, he could shoot them all, right here, right now. There would be no consequences, no one to answer to. A dark part of him entertained the idea.

  “Do you remember me?” Detrick asked. The sound of his own voice, startled him. For the first time he sounded like a member of the Nazi Party.

  A frightened look of recognition came to Lewis’ face. He remembered. “I don’t think so. Perhaps you have me confused with someone else.”

  “No, I don’t think so. I am Detrick Haswell. Do you remember Leah Abdenstern?’

  “I’m sorry… I don’t remember.”

  “Don’t lie to me.” Detrick’s deep blue eyes blazed at him. “You do realize I have the power to decide if you live or die? I could shoot you right now,” Then, upon hearing himself, Detrick’s inner self protested. Regardless of what Lewis had done, Lewis had been the catalyst that had brought Leah to him.

  “Yes I know…I’m sorry for everything, please, spare us…please.”

  To hear someone begging him brought Detrick back to reality. He could not be cruel, could not sentence this man to death by his own hand. How many times had he wished that he had the power to free all of them?”

  “Come into the office.” Detrick turned to another guard “Heinz, I will be right back. I have a personal situation with this group.”

  Heinz nodded.

  A small workplace area had been established to be used by lesser officers who did not have offices of their own. Detrick took the Shapiro family inside the room and closed the door. He saw Lewis’ hands and legs quivering, and noticed the fraying on the sleeves and lapel of his jacket.

  “I don’t agree with the things you did, Shapiro, but I cannot kill you. It goes against everything I believe. Although I’m not sure you don’t deserve it. That night you left Leah on the road in the dark, to fend for herself - what kind of man does such a thing?” Detrick stared at Lewis looking as if he’d eaten something foul “However, I am going to set you free. You and your family will leave here by the back door. I suggest that you do whatever possible to get out of Germany. Use your money, use whatever you have. Next time
I may not be able to help you.”

  Lewis nodded, relieved to be awarded another day of life. As Detrick looked down, he found that Lewis had urinated.

  With pity Detrick had never thought he could feel for Lewis, he led him and his family out of the office.

  “Follow me.” Detrick directed the Shapiro’s to the back door. “Leave through here and disappear as quickly as you can.”

  Again, Lewis nodded. Then, turning to Detrick, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for everything.”

  “I know.”

  The family walked out the door, but before he left, Lewis turned to Detrick. “I know I shouldn’t ask, but I must. Why are you doing this? Why are you helping us?”

  “Because it’s the right thing to do, Lewis.”

  Later the Shapiro family would be rearrested and sent to Auschwitz. Detrick would never know of their plight. There they would all perish, but for today they clung to life and to hope.

  Chapter 95

  That night, Detrick brought wood planks, paint and a few of his books when he went to see the Abdensterns. He hoped to give them something they could do to fill the hours. “I brought you some crafting supplies. I thought you might want to whittle?”

  “Do I look like a whittler?” Jacob laughed. “Detrick, we are grateful to you for everything, every day. You needn’t worry about filling our time.”

  Remarkably, Jacob, even having lost two sons and his wife, still managed to tell jokes and keep smiling, but the pain he’d endured now reflected in his eyes.

  Leah, like her father, never complained. Neither of them ever made mention of their home or the shop. No sad discussions of Miriam or Michael took place. Occasionally Jacob wondered aloud about Karl’s whereabouts, but other than that, the two were thankful to be together and to be alive.

  Leah had formed a friendship with the two Mueller girls. They’d always wanted to learn piano, and so she’d drawn a keyboard on the cement floor with chalk and taught them to play.

  Adelheid, only a few years younger, admired the older and self-confident Leah. She wished that she had the fashion sense and culture she recognized in Leah. But most of all she wished she had Detrick.