Lovingly Yours

by Jerry Cole

  “Lovingly Yours”

  An MM Gay Romance

  Jerry Cole

  © 2020

  Jerry Cole

  All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other non-commercial uses permitted by copyright law.

  This book is intended for Adults (ages 18+) only. The contents may be offensive to some readers. It may contain graphic language, explicit sexual content, and adult situations. May contain scenes of unprotected sex. Please do not read this book if you are offended by content as mentioned above or if you are under the age of 18.

  Please educate yourself on safe sex practices before making potentially life-changing decisions about sex in real life. If you’re not sure where to start, see here: http://www.jerrycoleauthor.com/safe-sex-resources/.

  This story is a work of fiction. Names, characters, businesses, places, events and incidents are the products of the author’s imagination or used in a fictitious manner & are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental. Products or brand names mentioned are trademarks of their respective holders or companies. The cover uses licensed images & are shown for illustrative purposes only. Any person(s) that may be depicted on the cover are simply models.

  Edition v1.00 (2020.04.29)

  http://www.jerrycoleauthor.com

  Special thanks to the following volunteer readers who helped with proofreading: Jackie Fuchs, Jim Adcock, Earleen Gregg, C. Mitchell, D. Fair, RB, JayBee, Naomi W., and those who assisted but wished to be anonymous. Thank you so much for your support.

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  Table of Contents

  Chapter One

  Chapter Two

  Chapter Three

  Chapter Four

  Chapter Five

  Chapter Six

  Chapter Seven

  Chapter Eight

  Chapter Nine

  Chapter Ten

  Chapter Eleven

  Chapter Twelve

  Chapter Thirteen

  Chapter Fourteen

  Chapter Fifteen

  Chapter Sixteen

  Chapter Seventeen

  Authors Note

  Books by Jerry Cole

  Chapter One

  Josh Green

  Ian braced himself against the dresser with his arms outstretched. His back arched and head thrown back in a silent moan as I drove myself deeper into his body. The shadow of our conjoined bodies against the wall was almost graceful. Ian bent gracefully back, and I hunched forward, almost like a shield against an unseen foe. The flashes of lightning and the sound of the torrential downpour outside only made the warmth we found together seem more intense.

  “Tell me,” I begged. My hands bit into Ian’s flesh as I held him as tightly as I dared.

  Ian closed his eyes and moaned, pushing farther back against my body. His panting and eager face only added oil to the raging fire in my veins.

  “Tell me,” I demanded, forcing my body to remain still despite the urge to plunge deep once again into Ian’s flesh. I ran my hands along Ian’s back, tracing the elegant bow of his back and marveling at the softness of his skin. My rough fingertips sought the tight nubs on Ian’s chest and flicked them gently.

  Ian jumped and moaned but remained silent.

  “Tell me,” I whispered into his ear seductively, slowly pushing myself into Ian’s quivering body. “You know I need to hear you say it.”

  I wouldn’t give up. I continued to fondle Ian’s sensitive nipples, thrusting my hips forward at a painfully slow pace. Both of our bodies were covered in a fine sheen of sweat which only seemed to increase as I tortured us both by holding back the tide of passion building between us.

  Ian’s brow wrinkled in frustration and his neck strained as pleasure refused to give way to satisfaction. He wanted more, harder, deeper. He wanted what he’d spent all day anticipating. He wanted to be wrapped in my love and pressed to his limits. But he couldn’t bring himself to say it. He couldn’t force his lips to admit his desires. That made this game all the more seductive.

  I wrapped my arms around Ian’s body and pulled him up into an embrace. He pressed the length of his back against my chest. I whispered into Ian’s ear.

  “I know you want it. Just tell me. You like it. Look at yourself,” I slipped a hand between his thighs and gripped Ian’s hard cock. “You’re so hard. You like it, don’t you.”

  I had no idea what those words did to him, but the change in his demeanor was almost immediate. All desire drained from his body and he looked around as if he was trapped and in danger. My arms, that only a minute ago had been a refuge, were now a prison. I’d stepped on a landmine and the only thing left to do was minimize the damage. I watched the familiar rise of panic in his body as he struggled to pull away from me before he lost control.

  “Let me go,” he kicked out, but I held him up, afraid that he’d lost his balance. “Let me go! Fuck! Josh! Let me go!”

  The sound of panic in Ian’s voice brought me back to reality. I released my hold on Ian’s body, nearly dropping him. Ian scampered away from me and backed himself into a corner. Tears were in his eyes as he looked at me, recognizing who I was but unable to tear himself away from the memory that replayed in his head.

  He closed his eyes tight and began talking to himself, reciting what he knew to be true. It was a way to handle the panic, a way of combating the irrational fears and worries that flooded his mind.

  “This person is not THAT person. This is Josh. Josh loves me and would never hurt me. The dogs, Friendly and Shaolin are both downstairs, cuddled up happily on a giant dog bed in the laundry room.”

  I stood perfectly still, not even daring to breathe too deeply. I’d seen Ian have a panic attack before, but never like this. Never while we were together and naked. Normally he would ask me to hug him, but I had been hugging Ian when this began. I was at a loss.

  “Just breathe, okay,” my voice quivered with emotion as I watched Ian unravel. I felt helpless, wanting to save him when I knew he was the only one who had the power to save himself.

  His naked body was pressed against the wall, the light from the moon making his skin glow softly as he slid down to the floor and drew his knees up to his chest. Lightning struck, illuminating for a moment just how lost he was in his own mind.

  “Ian, baby, tell me what to do,” I begged, dropping to my knees as well.

  “I can’t. I’m sorry,” Ian’s voice broke as tears slipped down his cheeks.

  “You don’t have to be sorry. You don’t ever have to apologize to me. Not for this,” I got down on all fours. “I’m going to get close to you now, okay?”

  Ian took several deep breaths and nodded. Not knowing what else
to do, I crawled across the room slowly, closing the distance between us. Ian watched me with fearful eyes. Hope warred with terror in his face as I drew closer. As soon as I was within reach, Ian leapt at me, holding me tight. I could feel Ian’s heart pounding in his chest. I stroked his hair and hugged him back.

  “You’re okay. I’m right here,” I said. “I won’t leave you. How could I? You’re my lucky star.”

  “I’m sorry,” Ian whimpered.

  “Stop that.”

  I grabbed a blanket from the end of the bed and wrapped it around us both. We sat in silence until Ian calmed down. We watched as the rainfall went from a wild tempest to a spring shower.

  “I wasn’t like this until I was eighteen,” Ian said, his voice flat.

  I didn’t say anything. I knew enough to know that whatever Ian was going to say was hard for him and would most likely be heartbreaking. I’d had my heart broken so much with this guy, and I loved him all the more for it.

  “I have my theories about why, but what I know is that I was assaulted, abducted, and…violated by three men near Scouffield Park, behind the zoo.”

  I closed my eyes, trying not to imagine Ian’s panic and fear. I needed to stay strong and remain anchored in the here and now for Ian and for us both. There was nothing I could do about what happened so many years ago. All I could do was to love the man who had emerged from it. I reminded myself of that all of the time.

  “When I woke up in the hospital, that’s when I had my first panic attack. The world just seemed...like I had just escaped one monster only to run into another.” He recited the words in a tense and emotionless manner. I knew he probably told this story before, to shrinks and cops and judges until he’d learned to disconnect from it just so he could say it without crying.

  “That was what did it for you?” I felt like an asshole for asking but I needed to know. He nodded and then took a deep breath.

  “I was okay at first. I had anxiety and the occasional panic attack, but who wouldn’t after something like that? I went to therapy, took my meds, and tried to move on. But I wasn’t getting better. I was getting worse. By the time I was twenty, I could barely leave the house.”

  “What about the guys who did that to you?”

  Ian shrugged and leaned in closer.

  “They were caught. They got ten years, but they got out early for good behavior.”

  I remembered the way the cops reacted to my story of being assaulted the night I met Ian. If I’d been a skinny teenager, I’d like to think they might have taken me a little more seriously. But being the victim of an assault was a little harder to understand when the victim was over six feet tall or muscular in any way. Knowing that even after the police caught the men who hurt Ian, the criminal justice system didn’t consider a gang rape a serious enough crime to force them to serve their whole sentences made me angry.

  “Do you think knowing that—”

  “Made things worse?” Ian smirked. “Well, it certainly didn’t help the situation at all. I know the guy who did this to me is out there, possibly doing it to somebody else. Somebody who isn’t strong enough to turn him in, or insist on having a rape kit done, or following up with the investigators every day.”

  I thought about the stress of having to relive the trauma of that day over and over again for months. Who the hell would want to go through that shit? I tried to imagine how it must have felt to never be able to fully put it all behind you as the days and weeks ticked by. Maybe it wasn’t the rape that had finally imprisoned him. Maybe it was the cluster fuck of a judicial system that finally broke him.

  “Sounds like hell,” I said.

  “You can get used to hell if you have to,” Ian said.

  “Jesus fucking Christ, Ian,” I held him tighter. “Every time I think I understand how amazing you are, you say some shit like this and make me feel like an absolute pussy in comparison. You know that?”

  Ian smiled and allowed himself to be held. It felt good to know I had that effect on him. No matter how many times he fell apart, I would always want to make him feel like he was strong. I wanted to be the guy who reminded him that his strength wasn’t his ability to avoid falling apart, but his ability to pull himself back together again. And lately, he’d needed those reminders less often.

  “You know,” Ian kissed my chin. “I DO like it.”

  “NOW you tell me?”

  “Well, I don’t want to give you the wrong impression of me. I’m not that kind of guy. Just because I like getting screwed by you doesn’t mean I’m easy.” Ian fluttered his eyelashes and poked out his bottom lip in a mock pout.

  I chuckled and kissed him softly. Ian didn’t recoil and slowly allowed himself to melt into me, accepting the kiss. I wanted more but waited, kissing him lightly until Ian deepened the kiss.

  “Say it,” I whispered against his lips.

  “You’re not going to let it go, are you?”

  I shook my head. “Nope. Not a chance.”

  Ian shifted, sitting in my lap and facing me directly. He held my face in his hands and looked me in the eyes. His skin became warm all over, making me very aware of how naked he was and how intimately our bodies were entwined. That was part of what made loving him magical. Even without touching, Ian could set my whole body on fire with a look and a smile.

  “Josh Green. I like sleeping with you. I like waking up with you. I like shagging you, fucking you, whatever euphemism you want to use for what happens between us. I like it all. I want you, all the time, even when I don’t want to.”

  I smiled and closed my eyes. It wasn’t exactly what I thought I wanted to hear, but it was exactly what I needed to know. At moments like this, I realized the skeletons I had in my closet were worth all the trouble if it meant I could be loved by Ian. I couldn’t bring myself to regret anything. Not even the violence that brought us together.

  “We should try and get some sleep. Tomorrow is leg day,” I said.

  Ian groaned and tried to get up. I clamped down on him with one strong arm and buried my face in the crook of Ian’s neck. Ian’s body responded with surprising ferocity, reigniting the passion that had threatened to consume us both a few minutes ago.

  “I thought you said we should sleep,” he panted.

  “We should. We should definitely sleep. But I don’t always do the things I’m supposed to do.”

  Chapter Two

  Josh

  The phone kept ringing no matter how many times I declined the call. Whoever was calling was a persistent bastard. I reached a hand across the bed and didn’t find the warm body I expected. That was enough to pull me completely out of my slumber. I took a second look at the screen when the phone rang again, holding my breath just in case it was from a hospital or worse...a police station.

  Just a month ago Ian had updated his insurance information and personal information sheets with his doctors. He’d officially listed me as the person to contact in case of an emergency.

  “There’s nobody else, really,” he said. “Even if we break up, I don’t think you would let my body rot in the morgue or pull the plug on me if I was in the hospital.”

  “Never.”

  I hadn’t really liked the idea at the time. I hated to think about a future where only one of us was alive. I also didn’t want to think about the possibility of Ian being hurt, but as I watched the phone ring, I was glad Ian hadn’t let that deter him.

  The number wasn’t local, so it wasn’t likely it was about Ian. I looked over at the digital alarm clock. It was six o’clock in the morning, a full hour and a half before I would even think about stirring. Way too early for conversation, and certainly too early for Ian to not be in bed beside me. I had a bad feeling about it all, and I couldn’t just sleep it off.

  I dropped the phone and got out of bed, pulling on a pair of boxers as I padded across the bedroom.

  “Ian? Honey?”

  I didn’t hear anything and that made me nervous.

  I called Ian’s name from the t
op of the stairs. I heard Friendly and Shaolin whimper and turn circles downstairs in the laundry room, but no reply.

  I ran down the stairs, taking them two at a time. Everything in the house looked just the way we’d left it. Nothing missing or out of place. No ominous note left taped to the counter. I shook my head and my eyes landed on the laundry room door. Ian wouldn’t go anywhere without Friendly. If he had left the house, he would’ve taken Friendly with him. He could see the shadows moving under the door. Something was definitely alive and moving in there.

  It was a long shot, but I needed to see for myself. If Ian had left on his own, I knew Friendly was my best chance at finding him. I opened the door, expecting to be pounced on by an exuberant Shaolin, but was instead greeted by two very worried looking pit bulls and a shivering Ian, wrapped in a blanket and huddled in a corner. Friendly did her best to comfort him, the way she was trained. She pressed against him, licking his hands and face occasionally. Although it was clear she was happy to see me, she didn’t leave Ian’s side for a moment.

  Ian was in trouble and she was trying to help.

  “Ian, baby,” I knelt down slowly beside Ian. “It’s me, Josh. Open your eyes, sweety.”

  Ian shook his head, sweat glistening on his brow. He looked like a little boy trapped in a nightmare.

  “Come on, baby. I’m right here,” I begged. “Just take my hand.”

  I waited patiently as Ian worked up the courage to open his eyes.

  “Whatever it was, I promise you it will get better. I am right here. I won’t leave you,” I pitched my voice low and soft.

  Slowly, Ian reached blindly. I grasped his hand and pressed his fingers to my lips.

  “I got you,” I said, holding Ian’s hand tightly. “It’s going to be okay.”

  Ian opened his eyes and tears slipped down his cheeks.