Lovingly Yours

by Jerry Cole

  “Bad dreams?” I asked.

  Ian nodded.

  “Why didn’t you wake me up?”

  Ian pressed his lips together and looked up into my eyes without saying anything. A deep blush crept over his skin and he ground his back teeth as he tried to find the words to explain.

  “It doesn’t matter,” I waved my hand. “I’m here now. You scared the shit out of me. You wanna get out of here?”

  “Josh,” Ian croaked out. “I just couldn’t…” His voice broke as he sobbed.

  I pulled him into a hug and tried to soothe him.

  “I just couldn’t get away!” Ian’s helpless cry nearly had me floored.

  “From whom?” It was a dumb question. I regretted asking it as soon as it left my mouth. I knew there were at least a dozen names on that list and they had all done things to him that would make any man have nightmares. I decided, rather than sticking my foot back in my mouth by continuing to talk, I would do the only thing Ian ever asked of me. I would just hold him. After a few short minutes, he seemed composed enough to speak.

  “Why are you even with me? I’m such a mess,” Ian whimpered.

  “I like your mess,” I lifted Ian’s face. “You don’t have to be perfect to be loveable. You know that right?

  “Do you really believe that?”

  “I have to believe that because I have a closet full of skeletons I’m sure will burst wide open one day. And on that day, I am praying you will still be able to love me.”

  “I promise,” Ian said.

  “And the next time you have nightmares, wake me. Don’t hide. I was scared to death. I wake up to the phone ringing and you are nowhere to be found,” I growled.

  “I’m not a kid, Josh.”

  “I know that, so don’t act like a kid and try to hide,” I put my hands on my hips and scowled. “This is part of the deal. I know what I signed up for.”

  “It’s not fair,” Ian argued.

  “It doesn’t seem fair to you now, but trust me when I tell you there are going to be plenty of moments when you wonder which one of us is the broken one. Okay? My shit isn’t as obvious as yours, but it still stinks.”

  “Yeah, your farts are pretty rancid.” He smiled up at me and I melted instantly. Every ounce of my previous annoyance dissipated under the heat of Ian’s guileless smile.

  “I really don’t have any defenses when it comes to you. You know that right?” I dropped a kiss on Ian’s forehead and mussed his hair.

  Ian leaned against my body, wrapping his arms around me and pressing his cheek against the warm bare skin of my chest.

  “Who called, by the way?”

  “Hmm?”

  “You said the phone was ringing. Who called?”

  I shrugged.

  “Dunno. Didn’t answer.”

  “Why not?”

  “I didn’t recognize the number and I had more pressing matters,” I draped a heavy arm across Ian’s shoulders and kissed the top of his head.

  “Telemarketers and scam artists don’t usually call at this hour. It might have been really important. You should call them back.”

  “I won’t have to; they haven’t stopped calling yet.”

  “No message?”

  I shook my head.

  “You definitely have to answer it.”

  Ian pulled away from me and went back up the stairs. I followed reluctantly, not really wanting to investigate too deeply whatever troubles would be waiting for me on the other end of that call. I wasn’t a fan of inviting trouble into my life if I could avoid it. I was finally in a good place, with minimal drama, steady work I enjoyed, and somebody I was ready to live and die for. That’s all I needed. To hell with everything else.

  The phone rang as soon as I caught up with Ian.

  “See?”

  “Who do you know out west?”

  “Nobody.”

  “Well then, somebody out west knows you,” Ian said.

  I shrugged again.

  “Answer it,” he handed me the phone.

  I took the phone, rejected the call and threw it back onto the bed.

  “JOSH!”

  “Whatever it is, whoever it is, I don’t want to know,” I said, sitting on the bed.

  “Why?”

  I wrapped my arms around Ian and pulled him into my lap.

  “I ask myself that all the time. Why are you so cute? Why can’t I seem to get enough of you?” I kissed his ears and rested my chin on his shoulder.

  “Nice deflection. Answer me. You know, we never talk about you.”

  “We do too. I always tell you how I feel and what’s going on with work.”

  “Right, but we never talk about your past. You’re a superhero with no origin story. By this point in the franchise, you should at least have enough flashbacks to put together some sort of story. But it's all a blank slate with you.”

  “SO?”

  “SO! Are you not answering the phone because you really don’t think it's for you or are you afraid one of those skeletons you keep talking about are getting ready to fall out of your closet?”

  Ian twisted around and looked down at me. I left my face blank. There was too much to explain and I wasn’t ready to share it just yet. Nobody understood that better than Ian, and so he didn’t push me to answer. He’d just about given up on the whole issue when the phone began to ring again.

  “Maybe you can ignore it, but I can’t,” Ian snagged the phone from off the mattress and answered it.

  “Hello! Is this Josh Green’s phone?”

  A shrill woman’s voice boomed through the speaker.

  “It is,” Ian held the phone away from his ear. No need to use speakerphone with this call.

  “Who is this?”

  “I am his partner. Who may I say is calling?”

  “Partner? How old are you?”

  “I’m sorry but if you don’t—”

  “I’m his sister. Is he around or did he just leave his phone with you?”

  “Sister?” Ian looked skeptical but I nodded my head. I had a sister, not that the two of us were close on any level. I was sure I’d mentioned her to Ian at least once, but there was so little to say about our relationship, it only made sense Ian would forget.

  Sometimes I wished I could forget her as well.

  “Yes, my name is Janet. Could you give him a message for me? I‘ve been calling and he’s not picking up my calls.”

  “The number isn’t in his contacts. He doesn’t usually pick up calls from unknown numbers,” Ian covered for me. “Especially so early in the morning.”

  “Yes, well...just tell him that I need to speak to him right away regarding our father,” she said, obviously uncomfortable with the thought of what her brother and his “partner” might be doing together so early in the morning.

  “I will let him know. Is this a good number to contact you?”

  “Yes, this is my cell phone.”

  “Okay, I’ll pass along the message. Goodbye.”

  Ian turned and looked at me. I closed my eyes and laid my head against his chest.

  “Something is up with your dad.”

  “Hmm,” I grunted.

  “You need to check in with your sister and find out what’s wrong.”

  “I heard her.”

  “Are you going to do it?”

  I took a deep breath and flipped Ian over onto the mattress and buried my nose in the crook of his neck.

  “What do I have to do to get you to stop thinking about her and pay attention to me?” I gently sucked at the soft skin along his neck.

  “Josh, be serious.”

  “I don’t want to,” I insisted, moving lower to his collarbone.

  “It’s your father, you should at least find out what’s going on.”

  “He’s either sick and needs money, or she needs money, or they need me to sign some paperwork so they can get money. I can deal with it later.”

  Ian grabbed my face between his hands and looked down at me
.

  “Promise me that you will follow up on this,” he said.

  “Nope.” I returned my lips to Ian’s skin, kissing down his stomach and taking my time as I approached the waistband of his underwear.

  “Josh!” Ian buried his fingers in my closely cropped hair and bit his bottom lip as I slipped his underwear past his hips and helped him forget what we were talking about.

  Chapter Three

  Josh

  The phone calls had stopped but I knew it was just a temporary respite. Janet was nothing if not zealous. She was like that from childhood. Whatever she did, she did it with complete focus and startling ferocity. Once upon a time, I had appreciated that quality in her. When we were allies instead of cold-war enemies, I’d depended on her ferocious protective instincts to help me handle bullies. Then she found some version of religion that turned her into a warrior for her version of god.

  Things had never been the same.

  Now I kept my distance. It wasn’t that I was afraid of her, but sometimes arguing with her hurt too much. Regardless of whether I won the argument or not, I always took heavy damage, and I wasn’t going to do that to myself anymore.

  I looked out over the lawn my team had just finished cutting. It wasn’t a big job but seeing it done right was satisfying. One of the reasons why I loved working with my hands was because I could see things change from beginning to end. When I arrived at a site, it looked one way and when the job was done it looked different. It was simple, straightforward, and uncomplicated.

  That was how I wanted to live my life. I was a man with a truck and a dog and somebody I wanted to wake up next to every day of my life and that was good enough. I didn’t need an “origin story” and I didn’t want to be anybody’s hero.

  My phone rang in my pocket again, but this time I was happy to answer it.

  “Hey, honey, what’s up?”

  “Hey, umm, are we still having dinner tonight?”

  I frowned.

  “You’re not up for it?”

  “No, I just need to get some work done. I don’t think I can get away tonight.”

  “No problem, I can grab some takeout and we can have a night in.”

  “No, Josh I need to work. At my home. By myself. Alone.”

  “All night?” I couldn’t hide the disappointment in my voice.

  “Yes, all night. I am at home now and I think I’m going to just stay home and work tonight. I hope you don’t mind.”

  “Of course I don’t mind.”

  “See you tomorrow?”

  “Of course; I love you.”

  “I love you too,” Ian breathed the words out and quickly hung up the phone.

  I felt my frown deepen. We’d only been together for a few months. So, I knew I didn’t have the right to ask Ian to give up his apartment. But, every day I was a little more convinced that I wanted Ian to be a permanent part of my world. Every time I saw him, I knew he was the one for me. Even if we broke up, I doubted I would ever be able to love anybody like this again. It was a crazy thought, but I couldn’t escape it.

  I just wasn’t sure Ian would feel the same way if he knew everything about me. Would Ian still be willing to stay by my side if he knew just how crazy my family truly was? Would he still look at me the same way if he knew all about my “origin story”?

  I wasn’t sure and I wasn’t confident enough to think that I could just move on if it turned out that Ian couldn’t handle it. Losing Ian would crush me, and I knew that.

  I slid into the cab of the truck to fill out some paperwork. It had been a long day and I was ready to eat.

  “You ready, buddy,” I said to Shaolin. The brown pit bull turned a circle on the seat, then laid down, letting his tongue loll out of his head.

  “Me too,” I turned the key in the ignition and the engine roared to life. Just as I was about to pull away, my phone rang. Looking down at the unfamiliar number, I knew who it was and I knew I had to take it.

  “What do you want?”

  “Well, hello to you too little brother,” said the shrill voice on the other end.

  “I’m busy.”

  “Too busy to check in on your family?”

  “NOW we’re family? It must be really desperate for you to call me. Tell me, how much do you want this time?”

  “I don’t want anything from you,” she snapped.

  “Okay, how much does HE need?”

  “Would you just listen?” She seemed genuinely exasperated by me, but I couldn’t care.

  “It’s not about money,” she said.

  “It's always about money.”

  “He’s got cancer, Josh. Your father is sick and dying,” she put an emphasis on the word father as if that was supposed to elicit some sort of response, but they’d burned that bridge long ago.

  “Well, then he should hurry up and die, this way he can spend more time with whatever god you guys are praying to these days.”

  I hung up the phone without waiting for a response. I was so angry I was shaking. So what if he was dying? If he didn’t even have the decency to call me and try to make amends like a man, then he was dead to me anyway. He’d abandoned me, I didn’t owe him anything. I was fuming, angry at Janet for calling me, angry at my father for NOT calling me, and angry at myself for caring whether he lived or died.

  I was so lost in my thoughts I didn’t notice the police cruiser that rolled up behind me. I didn’t see the lights. I didn’t even see the officer get out of the car and walk over to my window.

  It was the tapping that finally brought me back to reality.

  “Is everything okay, sir?”

  I looked over at the young officer standing outside my window, dazed and annoyed by his intrusion.

  “Is there a problem officer?” The words came out with a harder edge than I’d intended. My dark mood wasn’t his fault, but I was barely holding on to my temper. For both of our sakes, I wanted this interaction to be over as fast as possible.

  “You’ve been sitting here for a while with the engine turned on. I just wanted to make sure that you were okay,” he was still trying to be a good guy, checking to make sure I wasn’t ill. Unfortunately, I wasn’t in the mood for good guys.

  “I wasn’t obstructing traffic,” I said.

  “No sir, but your car isn’t in park either.” He looked over at my gear shift and cocked an eyebrow. “Idling for more than five minutes is not allowed in this area.”

  “I wasn’t idling.”

  “Then what would you call it?”

  “I had something in my eye and I needed to clear it before I drove off. Do you want me to cause an accident to avoid a ticket for idling?”

  “Have you been drinking, sir?”

  My blood began to boil.

  “What?”

  “Why don’t you turn off the engine and step outside of the car, sir?”

  I knew this was heading down a very unpleasant road but I couldn’t seem to regain my composure. The smugger and more professional this kid was, the more I wanted to be the asshole in this situation. I wanted him to ticket me or arrest me. I wanted him to lose control and hit me. It wasn’t his fault. None of this was, but he was unlucky enough to try and help a guy who didn’t want to be helped.

  “Am I under arrest?”

  “No, but I’d like to—” he was still trying to be a friendly public servant, but I didn’t care. I cut him off with a loud huff.

  “Look, give me a ticket, arrest me, or something. Otherwise, fuck off, okay!”

  “Get out of the car.” The officer’s face was stone. I’d finally provoked the correct response. A twisted part of me smiled in triumph.

  I turned the engine off, put the keys in my pocket, and opened the car door. By this time another officer had arrived and was observing from outside of his vehicle. I looked at the new arrival and gave him a “howdy neighbor” smile and wave.

  “Looks like your boyfriend is here already, so can I go?”

  “What’s your name, sir?”


  “Josh, what’s yours?”

  “Okay Josh, I’m trying to—”

  “What’s your boyfriend’s name,” I cut him off again, looking past him to the middle-aged officer slowly making his way over to us.

  “That officer is here to observe unless you give him a reason to get involved.”

  “I don’t mind if he watches.” I gave the young police officer a bedroom smile and took a step closer. He swallowed hard but stood his ground. His hand was dancing around his weapon but he’d yet to decide if he was going to pull it or not. The older cop, reading the younger one’s body language, at last, decided to intervene.

  “Can I help you?”

  “I don’t know. This officer just wanted to tell me that I wasn’t allowed to idle in the street, and then wanted me to get out of the car.” I played innocent but the cop wasn’t buying it.

  “Have you been drinking, sir?”

  “No, I just had something in my eye.” I leaned over and read the name on his uniform. “I wasn’t causing any trouble, Officer Smith.”

  He smirked and looked over at his junior.

  “Let him go,” he said.

  “Sir!”

  The older man shook his head and gave me another glance. He’d obviously been on the job long enough to tell the difference between a real danger to the public and a guy who was just an asshole. He was too old to play games with the likes of me.

  “He wasn’t causing any problems, so unless you really want to write a ticket for idling, just let him go.” Officer Smith turned to me and nodded slightly. “You have a good afternoon, sir.”

  I looked back at the younger man and gave him another smile.

  “So, what will it be? Are you going to ticket me, or did you have something more interesting in mind?”

  “Be careful on the road. Have a good afternoon.”

  I watched the two men leave, feeling just as vexed as I was before they showed up. At times like this what I really needed was a drink and a hard fuck. I thought about calling Ian, but he had made it abundantly clear that he was not available for the evening. I looked at Shaolin, who had remained sitting quietly on the back seat during the whole scene, only perking up to wag his tail when I climbed back into the truck.

  “It’s going to be a long night,” I said to him. He licked my face in response.