Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  “I wonder if we could stop all of this. Maybe if we got enough people to really think about how wrong it is, we could…raise a revolution or something.” She says.

  “What, like a war?” Nate asks. His interest makes me nervous.

  “If that’s what it takes. We can’t just let things continue like this.” I can feel her words in my soul like a flame trying to ignite an inner warrior, but I blow it out.

  “Of course, we can’t, but a war? Surely there’s another way?” I protest.

  “If there is, I don’t know what it could be.” Nate replies. I can see the flame dancing in his eyes; he obviously hasn’t blown it out. And why should he? He’s had to watch his people, his family, struggle to survive his entire life. Why shouldn’t he be excited by a chance to take a stand?

  “War never comes without a cost. After all, the first casualty of war is innocence. Lives would be lost, on both sides. Besides, the Tecks wouldn’t be the ones fighting, you know that. It would be the guards. They used to be your people, Nate. Could you kill them? Could you kill anyone?”

  He looks deeply into my eyes. I can see him considering everything carefully, “Not unless I absolutely had to.” That’s not the exact answer that I wanted but I can see him becoming calmer. I let it go. “But we don’t really have to think about that since we’re getting out of here.”

  “What?” Mia jumps to her feet. I start to panic. I forgot that Mia doesn’t know we’re leaving. It probably would have been better to leave it that way.

  “Oh,” Nate says as the truth dawns on him. “You didn’t know…”

  “What do you mean you’re leaving?!” I can see the fury in her eyes, like frozen fire.

  “Mia,” I say gently. “Nate is going to be taken soon to become a soldier. We have to leave or they’ll…change him. You’ve seen the guards, they’re not right.”

  “Where are you going exactly?”

  “The wilderness.” I whisper.

  “WHAT?!”

  “Mia, calm down, please. It’s our only choice!”

  “You mean it’s his only choice!”

  “No! I mean ours!” I’m yelling right back at her now. “I love him, Mia! More than I ever thought it was possible to love anyone! So, if you think I’m just gonna let him escape into the woods all by himself to never see him again, you’re dead wrong!”

  She looks like she’s going to scream something back at me but she slowly closes her mouth. I watch as she collapses to her knees and buries her head in her hands. Her body is shaking.

  “Mia?” No answer. “Mia, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

  She looks up and I see that she’s crying. I stand there in shock. I’ve never seen her cry before. But she doesn’t look at me, instead she turns to Nate. She holds out her hand to him and he walks over and takes it, kneeling beside her.

  “Please,” She whispers to him. “Take care of her. I trust you, Nate, and I know I can. You love her, I can see that. I’m going to trust you with her. She needs to do this; she has to stay with you. Just promise me that you’ll take care of her.”

  “I promise. I will always do everything in my power to keep her safe and happy, you can count on that.” She nods and I realize that she really does trust him.

  She turns to me. “I’m gonna miss you, ya know.” I can’t stop the tears from falling as I realize that this is our goodbye.

  I walk over to them and kneel on her other side. She wraps one arm around me and the other around Nate. All three of us sit there, huddled together, like we’ve been friends our whole lives. And in another world, maybe we would have been.

  Chapter Thirty-Five

  Nathan

  They seem to zone me out as they sit there embracing each other. I don’t mind though, I’m a little lost in thought at this point anyway. I watch as they cry in each other’s arms. They remind me of an older version of my sisters. I know this is how they would react if some strange guy came along and decided to take one away to live in the forest with him. I’d probably tear his head off if he tried to take my sister like that. What an idiot that guy is. What an idiot I am.

  For the moment, Willa doesn’t seem as brave and strong as I know she is. She seems a little weaker knowing what she’s giving up. What is she giving up? All this time I’ve been worried about my family and what I’m losing and what I want, I haven’t put any thought into Willa’s life outside of me. She has a family that loves her and cares about what happens to her. Here she is, ready to leave everything behind…for me, and I’m so careless, I didn’t even think about what all she’s leaving behind. Seeing how much her friend cares for her, I can only imagine how her parents would feel about this plan.

  I wonder if Willa knows how much she’s giving up. I also wonder if she understands that this little adventure in the woods is not going to be any vacation. It’s gonna be hard, really hard. She’s gonna be hungry, which is probably something that she’s not used to, she’s going to be cold, and I mean really cold. She might have some understanding of that because I brought it up earlier but I still think it’s gonna take her by surprise. She’s gonna be dehydrated too and no matter how much water I pump into her, as much as we’re gonna be moving, it most likely won’t do her much good. She’s gonna be dirty and achy and sore. She’s gonna be tired and won’t get much rest. And what if she gets hurt? I can’t even think about that! What is she trips and slices her leg open on rocks or roots? Or what if she gets sick or freezes? There are so many things that could happen to someone who’s not suited for living out in the woods. If she ever gets hurt on my watch, I’ll probably hate myself forever.

  Most of this doesn’t apply to me because I’m so used to all of that. I’ve adapted to the cold. I’m always exhausted and I spend most my time with an empty stomach. This is nothing for me but for her… I can’t imagine her being in any kind of pain worse than I’ve already put her through. When we leave, she’s my responsibility. If anything happens to her, it’s on me. If she thinks it will be like this clearing, or the forest on her side, she’s wrong. She’s giving up so much for so little. I have nothing to give her and I know that. Mia is right; this is my problem, not hers. She deserves better than me. What can I do to make her see… she might be making the wrong choice?

  I notice her watching me as she’s talking to Mia. She probably knows I’m thinking too much. That or she just remembered I’m here.

  “We should go.” Mia says with strength. She didn’t stay vulnerable for long. Willa nods in agreement but I’m not ready to go yet, not until I’m sure she understands everything that’s going to happen if we go through with this. I want her to understand all her options.

  They both stand. I leap up too and catch Willa by the hand. When Mia isn’t looking, I whisper quickly in her ear, “We need to talk.”

  She looks at me with confusion, tear stains still on her cheeks. Then she understands and turns to Mia.

  “I’ll catch up with you in a second, okay?”

  Mia’s face turns panicked. “You aren’t leaving now, are you?”

  “No. No, I promise.” Willa assures her as she hugs her again. “I’ll only be a minute.”

  Mia nods with her eyes on me. I’m trying to avoid looking either one in the eye so I stare at the ground. They pull apart and Mia retreats into the woods. Willa watches after her for a few seconds before turning back to me. She wipes her eyes and face quickly, turning red with a small smile. She’s embarrassed maybe. She shouldn’t be.

  “I’m sorry about all that. I didn’t realize it would hit me so hard that-”

  “That what? That you’re giving up everything?” I cut in.

  Her face is confused again. She stares at me, attempting to read me but I’m a closed book.

  “What are you talking about?”

  “You! You, Willa. You don’t even realize how lucky you are to have a family that cares about you and I mean, truly cares about your wellbeing. You have a sister who adores you and a friend who can’t l
ive knowing you’re in danger. And you are in danger, Willamina!”

  She starts to say something but I continue, cutting her off again. “And what you’re giving all that up for, what you think you’re getting in return…it’s not that great, Willa.”

  “I’m getting you in return.” Her voice is quiet and shaky.

  “Well…what if I’m not that great either? And not worth you throwing away everything?”

  “You are worth it!”

  “Not your whole life! I’m not worth sixteen years of anybody’s life, especially not yours!”

  I can see the tears building up in her eyes. She suddenly becomes very small and fragile. She starts struggling for words franticly. Finally, she looks me in the eye and shakes her head, “You need me, Nathan. All those people, my whole family…they don’t need me like you do.”

  “I was doing just fine before you came along.”

  “I don’t think even you believe that.” She crosses her arms, holding back tears.

  I bite my tongue for twisting up my words, “You were doing fine before I came along.” I correct myself.

  That did it. She drops her arms to her sides. Her lips curl up in anger and the tears spill out.

  “I…you…you didn’t know me back then, Nathan! You have no idea what my life has been like the past sixteen years! You’re the first thing that’s ever made sense! I don’t want the life I’m leaving behind. I don’t want it anymore, it’s too wrong! And since I’ve met you, I’ve really realized how wrong it is and I can’t take it. It makes me sick.” She cuffs her mouth with both her hands and turns away from me as she cries. She still doesn’t understand what I’m saying but I don’t think I’ve understood what she’s been saying either. I stare at her and wait for her to turn back around before I try to make sense of it all.

  She suddenly swings back around. All the anger in her face is gone, replaced with desperation as she starts to beg. “Please, Nathan! Please don’t leave me! I understand that this is going to be hard but that’s okay, I’m ready for it. I’m ready to walk through the rain and the…snow. Just please, don’t do this. Don’t leave me. I need you! I need you more than anyone and I might never come out of it this time if you go. I’ll never be myself again. I don’t want to lose myself again. I don’t want to lose you again!”

  My heart drops. I know she’s referring to when I left her broken and bleeding. She’s getting me wrong. I’m not leaving her; I’m not even trying to change her mind about leaving with me. I’m only trying to make her understand all her options. Her eyes aren’t filled with sorrow, they’re filled with fear. I find my legs and with three swift steps, I’m embracing her. I hold her tight against my body and talk slowly and quietly.

  “I’m not leaving you, Willa. I’m not stupid enough to make the same mistake twice.”

  Her face is buried in my shoulder but I can tell her crying is calming. She is confused, trying to understand. I gently but firmly push against her shoulders so I can see her face.

  She unwillingly looks me in the eye but her gaze quickly drifts down to avoid mine. I hold her shoulders firmly, one in each hand and run them down to her elbows then back up again to try and comfort her, though it’s a useless effort. It looks like she’s staring at the zipper of my jacket, trying not to look at me. The tears continue to fall and she makes no effort to stop them. I release her shoulders only to move my hands to either side of her face. I wipe away the tears on her cheeks with my thumbs and press my lips against her forehead. She exhales deeply but doesn’t pull away from me. I let one of my hands fall from her face to tilt her chin up so she has no choice but to look at me. Once I’m sure she won’t drop her head, I move my hand from her chin to stroke her hair behind her ear.

  “Do you have any idea how much you misunderstood me?” I whisper.

  She shakes her head, still confused.

  “I’m not trying to leave you, I’m not even trying to change your mind about me or leaving or anything. I was trying to get through your thick skull all your options. I want to make sure you know exactly what you’re getting yourself into. What you’re losing and what you’re gaining. Because if we get out there and you’re miserable and you’re regretting your decision-”

  “What path do I have to take to be with you?”

  I chuckle and shake my head. “You’ve already taken that path, darling.”

  I finally get a smile to flicker across her face. I continue to stroke her hair as I search for the right words.

  “When you’re lying in bed tonight, I want you to think about it. Really think about it. All the things you have now that you won’t have later. All the people in your life, all the things you like to do, everything. Think about your life and how moving to the woods is gonna impact it. And then…when we meet back here tomorrow night, I want you to tell me what you’ve decided.”

  She nods, although her smile faded somewhere in my directions. Maybe she’s already deciding. I wonder how I would take it if she did change her mind. I wonder if she’s wondering the same thing.

  “And…if you decide you want to do this, I swear to you…I will do everything in my power to keep you out of harm’s way. If you decide you want to stay…I will learn to accept that.”

  She looks panicked and overwhelmed. I smile to sooth her. She grins but drops her head from my hands. She plays with the front pockets of my jacket, tracing the zipper with her finger and pushing in the buttons of the pockets, anything to help get the words out I guess. Or avoid giving anything away with her eyes.

  She ignores me with these actions for a few minutes until I can’t take the silence anymore and I force her to look at me again. Maybe she doesn’t trust me. Maybe she still thinks I’m looking for a way out of this, an escape. I stare into her crystal grey eyes that are deep enough to get lost in and wait until she is wrapped up in mine before assuring her of my feelings.

  “Willamina Whistler, leaving you was one of the worst mistakes I ever made and I promise…I will never leave you alone again.”

  She shakes her head, pulling her face out of my hands but filling them up with hers. She smiles and it doesn’t look forced this time. It looks like she could almost laugh. Was what I said funny? Did she think I was joking? I stare at her in confusion.

  “You think I don’t know that? I do. That’s not what’s worrying me at all.”

  “Then what is?”

  “I just feel like…you know, we’re running out of time already and we shouldn’t waste any rethinking this. I’ve already made my choice so…what’s yours?”

  Running out of time… Is that how she feels? Like, she’s being forced into this? If that’s it then she couldn’t be more wrong. Suddenly, I remember what I saw earlier this evening. The terror that took place six houses away from mine. Willa is right, we are running out of time, just not in the way I thought she was. A few more nights and those soldiers will show up at my door. I think about the guy who was beaten for defending his girl. I guessed they were together, I don’t think anything else explains their behavior. Maybe they were just married or engaged. Maybe they were only longing to be together like Willa and I. Then I think about the beating the young girl got and for what? For not wanting to be apart from him? For not wanting them to harm him? Or for only wanting to tell him goodbye? It doesn’t matter what kind of relationship they had, they obviously loved each other in some way. Maybe they wanted to take off together but never had the chance…but Willa and I do. I don’t want Willa to get beaten like that girl did. We have a chance to be safe together and I’m not going to waste it. After all, it’s Willa who will lose me. After I’m taken, I may not care about being with her or not. But right now, in this moment, I do and I don’t want Willa to suffer anymore…not because of me.

  I sigh. Even though I agree with her, she’s going to be stubborn about this. What do I have to do to get this girl to think something through clearly? She smiles as if she can read my mind. I can’t help but smile back because like her, I made my choice too.
I made mine a long time ago.

  “See ya tomorrow night then?”

  She laughs faintly and straightens herself, standing on her tip toes to meet my lips. I tilt my head down to help. But something feels wrong…off. This kiss is different, not bad but different. She feels different. She doesn’t feel warm like usual. Her lips seem shaky, like she’s scared or sick. Really, it feels like she’s rushing our kiss, when in reality, it lasts longer than most of our kisses in the past. I run one hand down her arm until I find her hand and hold it tight. That seems to stop the shaking but doesn’t help the feel.

  When she pulls away, she takes a step back, “I’ll see ya then, Nate.”

  “Be safe, princess.”

  She smiles as she turns her back on me. I watch as she disappears into the thicket but even then, I stay on her side for some time.

  I’m not sure how long it had been when I finally start the long hike back home. I doubt anyone is waiting up for me. The sky is starting to turn a lighter blue, making my eyes useful again. I guess it’s about three, three-thirty in the morning. Exhaustion starts to take over. My eyelids fight with me. My legs start to shut down and my feet drag.

  I stop midway on my side, crouching over my shotgun’s hiding place to ditch the duffle bag that’s weighing me down. I peak inside it to see what all Willa packed; food, clothing, and toothbrushes…necessary essentials. I zip the bag back up and bury it under the fallen tree.

  It takes every bit of will power left in me to reach the house without crashing. Like I expected, the dark kitchen is empty. I can hear the sounds of Gabe snoring across the room and I peak into the girls’ room to find them sound asleep. I make a hasty retreat for my room. I’m glad my mother didn’t wait up, but I knew she wouldn’t. The last thing I want is to fight with her again. Our mother/son talk earlier ended with her criticizing Willa again for things that weren’t her fault and me losing my temper. I told her I needed to get some air when I finally calmed down and left. Little did she know I was actually going to see my “distraction”. I wonder if she’ll demand more answers in the morning. Maybe she’ll get my father in on it too. I hope not, I don’t know how much longer I can go not telling them what’s really going on.