Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  Two more nights, I remind myself, two more nights, and I collapse on the floor of my bed room. I kick my boots off with my heels and roll over a few times until I’m on my mat. I don’t bother changing clothes, it’s too cold. I force a pillow under my head and throw all the material I can reach on top of me.

  Everything smells like Willa. I had forgotten she was here last night. Feels like a long time ago. I find Willa’s coat and throw it over my head. The warm and fuzzy fabric is soothing. We don’t have anything like this here. Nothing soft or warm. We have pretty much whatever will last the longest. Needless to say, this coat is the best item I own and for the moment, my favorite thing in the world. It’s cold in the house, almost colder than it is outside. Just a few more weeks now before the snow starts and the cold becomes unending. By that time, Willa and I will be long gone.

  My mind then lingers away from the bitter cold shaking my bones and travels back to the other side where Willa is hopefully home, in bed, warm and safe. I wonder whether or not she’ll make it through the harsh winter. That thought makes me shiver harder, not of the cold though. I start to plan what all is necessary to spend money on tomorrow. I will temporarily stock both Willa and I and my family up with food. For the two of us, I will get food that will last days without going bad and fill us up. For my family, just about anything will do. I also need to restock my ammo for the shotgun and prepare it for the journey. Mine and Gabe’s game needs to be cleaned and gutted which I promised I’d show him how to do. I need to find him a part time job and some kind of weapon for him to hunt with. A bow and arrow, maybe. Hopefully the clumsy kid won’t kill himself with it. I also need to get Willa some warmer clothes. Pants too, I can’t imagine her making it too far in those dresses she wears.

  My body starts to warm up and I feel my heart rate slow down. My brain is shutting off…finally. I unwillingly put some more thought into the couple who were split apart earlier tonight. Oddly, I don’t think about the couple themselves, only what happened to them. Then my mind puts Willa and me in their place. I feel my stomach knot up when I picture Willa getting beaten the way that girl did. Is that how our story will end? With screams and pleading? Or will we die out in the woods from lack of water and food, or hypothermia, poison bugs, or plants? Maybe we’ll get lucky and fall off a cliff, a quick and painless death.

  I’ve always been good at taking care of myself out in the forest but how can I take care of someone with no survival skills? I shake my head and close my eyes, refusing to think about it any further. Willa is smart, strong, and fearless. She’s a fast learner and will follow my directions. As long as I keep her with me at all times, what could go wrong? Besides, it’s temporary. We’re gonna come back. Maybe things will change then. Maybe Willa and I will find a safe way to see each other. Maybe this doesn’t have to be war.

  Two more nights, I repeat in my head, two more nights and all this will be over. Willa and me, nothing else. I’ll be with her and everything will be fine. Two more nights. Just two more nights.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  Willamina

  I lay warm and cozy in my bed, but can’t sleep. I wish I could convince myself that he won’t do what I’m afraid he’ll do but I can’t. It would be just like him. If he were to become convinced that leaving me and running by himself was the best thing for me, he would do it. My biggest fear is that he’s already convinced of that.

  On the way home, I considered hiding out in the shadows and then following him to his side so he couldn’t sneak away. But I know it wouldn’t take him long to find out I was trailing him. Besides, if I can’t trust him, what’s the point of us? I have to believe that he won’t leave me. I must have convinced myself somehow because I can feel myself drifting to sleep…

  The sky is clear and blue today, almost Nate’s favorite color. He’s right; the sky is never bluer than in the fall. How soon those days are coming. I can see it getting bluer every day. Sadly, that will also mean it’ll be colder. I made a mental pact with myself when we first started talking about leaving together to make sure I never complain after we’ve left. No matter how cold it gets, how hungry, sore, or tired I am, I will keep going and never whine. I plan on keeping that pact but I understand what Nate was trying to tell me last night. He wants to make sure I really get how awful it’s going to be out there. I do, but I will never complain about it. Nate is compensation enough. Again, I wonder if he knows we can never return. I have to make sure I talk about it with him. That’s not an argument we need to have after we’ve left.

  I realize now what a horrible idea it was to stick with the depression story. Sure, it keeps them in the dark about my ankle and they can’t question me but it is not an easy plan on my nerves. Nothing is worse when you’re waiting for something risky then having to sit in one spot and think about it all day. So many things could go wrong. What we’re doing is so dangerous; it’s hard not to worry.

  I pull out my sketchbook and pencil from under my pillow. I’ve been working on a family portrait of my parents and Georgie but I can’t bear to put myself in. I feel like what I’m doing with Nate means my separation from the family. I will always love them and cherish my memories with them but this is the end. I can’t continue thinking of them as my family, it’s too hard. Nate’s my family now.

  I manage to fill several of the otherwise painful hours with perfecting the drawing. I want to get every detail just right. Someday, many years from now, when the faces in my head start to blur, I want to be able to pull this out and think: Yes, this is exactly who they were. As sad as leaving them is, I know that I was never made for this life.

  At six o’clock, Raya comes in with a tray of food for me. I haven’t seen her since she caught me in the act of packing. She seems a little nervous, but she’s probably not used to being confided in. She sets the tray down on my bed.

  “Last night…I had gotten behind on some housework. I had to stay late to polish the silver…”

  “I know I can trust you, Raya. I’m not worried and I hope you’re not either.”

  “I’m not worried. I think you’re doing the right thing. When you love someone, sometimes you have to take risks. I wish…that my family had done what you’re doing.”

  “What do you mean?” I press gently.

  She takes a deep breath and I realize this isn’t something she talks about very often. “I never knew my father. He was taken to become a soldier when I was less than a year old. My sister was only two. I wish that they had had the courage to do what you’re planning with…whoever it is.”

  “I wish they had too. You deserve a better life than this. But I am grateful that I got to know you.”

  She gives me a warm smile. “I’ll never forget you, Miss Willamina. Usually, if a child grows up around people who are always telling them they’re better than someone, they believe it. But not you. You were the one who treated me like a person. Thank you.”

  “You are a person, Raya. Maybe someday we’ll be able to fix all of this and then everyone will treat everyone like equals.”

  “Don’t ever stop believing that.” And with one last smile she leaves.

  I may not want a war, but I definitely want an end to this injustice.

  Many hours later, I fill the next bag with food and head to the clearing. I tell myself not to worry but I can’t stop myself. Surely he wouldn’t leave without me after last night? Not after what he said. But still, the uncertainty spreads through my heart like a poison.

  By the time I get to the clearing, my heart is beating uncontrollably and I can barely breathe. I break through the trees and my eyes jump to the log. He’s here.

  He jumps up when he sees me but he doesn’t twirl me around like last time. In fact he seems…embarrassed. When we’re standing face to face, he starts talking in a rush.

  “Willa, I need to apologize. I didn’t mean to hurt you yesterday and I want to make sure you know that I’m never going to abandon you again. I just wanted you to know exactly what’s coming.”


  “I know. I get that now, but…you did scare me.”

  “I’m so sorry. I never want to do that.”

  “I think it’s time I was completely honest with you.” I take his hand, dropping the bag to our feet and hold it tightly. “I know that it’s going to be miserable out there. I know we’ll face all sorts of things that I can’t imagine right now. I know that I’ll be hungry and exhausted all the time. But it’s worth it because we are meant to be together. If we don’t do this or go together, we’ll both be miserable. And also, I’m excited about doing this. I’ve never had any real choices before. I’ve never had any other future open to me than to marry an arrogant young man who will go work for the government. Then I’ll wear the best of the socially acceptable clothes and keep a perfect house and be a role model to lesser women. I’m done with that. I want to live, even if that means going through hardships.”

  He smiles at me and squeezes my hand. “I’m honored that you want me to be a part of your future.”

  I laugh. “Nathen, you practically are my future!”

  He laughs too. “Let’s be each other’s futures.”

  I pull him over to our seat on the log. “I have something else I wanted to discuss with you.”

  “Alright, shoot.”

  I speak as gently as I can but I know that this will hurt no matter how I say it. “You know that if we leave we can never come back, right?”

  He flinches and gawks at me, stunned, “Sure we can! Once the Taking’s over-”

  “No, it would be too dangerous. They’ll start looking for me as soon as I’m gone and once they’ve searched the Teck side…they’ll search yours. Besides, people would know I’m not from there. Pale fragile girls don’t just drop out of the sky.”

  He puts his head in his hands. “You’re right. It would be crazy to come back.”

  I scoot closer to him and wrap my arm around his hunched shoulders, laying my head on his back.

  “I just…I can’t imagine leaving the girls forever…even Gabe.” The raw pain in every word tears at my heart.

  “I know. But that’s not really our choice. Sometimes when you travel through life with the people you love, you come to a fork in the road. And it’s not always possible to all travel down the same path. This is change at its most extreme, Nate. We can’t go into it blindly.”

  He sits up and enfolds me in his arms. “Okay. This is it. We’re taking our own path and we can’t hold anything back. We just need to jump right in and do it. No regrets, only hope. One more night, Willa.”

  “One more night!”

  We find a grassy patch and lay down, side by side, watching the stars and talking about little things. I love the stars. As long as I live I will know that I can look up to the stars and find hope.

  Chapter Thirty-Seven

  Nathan

  Drip, drip, drip, I hear coming from a leak in the ceiling. I don’t know what time it is. It’s still dark in the window, making it almost black in the room.

  I suddenly jump awake when I realize I’m not alone. My eyes take a few seconds to adjust before the other life becomes clear. Gabby is sitting on the floor next to me, watching me with wary eyes. She’s wrapped up in half my blanket.

  It doesn’t take long before my body wakes up enough to tell me it hasn’t gotten any warmer, if anything, colder. I rub my face as I start to sit up. Gabby looks frozen, only her eyes move to follow my actions.

  “What are you doing in here? What’s wrong?” I ask as I reach for another layer of fabric. She shakes her head as she shifts her legs.

  “You know you were crying in your sleep?” Her voice is soft but strained from the cold.

  I stare at her hard, trying to understand what she’s saying. Gabby has always been very thoughtful. She watches everything from a distance. She’s smart and careful. She has the mind of an eighty-year-old with the face of an eight-year-old. Sometimes I forget she’s only eight. I try to remember what I would be crying about. I don’t remember crying.

  “What do you mean?”

  “I heard you crying so I came to check on you. Did you have a nightmare or something?”

  I think hard again but no dreams reveal themselves to me. Maybe I did dream, I don’t know and I really don’t care. I look around the room and out the window, trying to figure out the time. The sky is a light blue which leads me to believe it’s around five in the morning. I didn’t plan on sleeping that long. I know I have to get up. The things I have to do today are starting to weigh on my mind.

  I slowly stand up and look for clean clothes. Gabby takes my place, covering herself with blankets.

  “So…you’re okay?” She asks with a shaky voice.

  “Yes, I’m fine. Thank you, honey.”

  “Where are you going?”

  “I just have some things to do today. I’ll be back soon to do some work here with Gabe.”

  “Oh.”

  I zip up my jacket and a grab the last empty bag I have left and head for the door, “I’ll see you later, Gabby.”

  “Okay. Bye.” I hear her reply but I’m already down the hall.

  The kitchen is damp and cold. I decide to start a fire in the small oven to warm the house up some. Maybe that will help put me on good terms with my mother.

  I start the fire up and proceed to lace up my boots when Gabe comes around the corner. He’s fully dressed and looks like he’s been up for hours. I can still see the people who were harassed last night in his eyes. No doubt that’s what kept him up. I can’t say I don’t feel bad for him, I wish he didn’t have to have seen that. And then coming home to our furious mother added to it. But he has on a brave face this morning. He looks sharp and stealthy, like he’s ready for anything.

  “What are you doing?” I ask him, looking down at my laces.

  “I’m ready to clean our game.” He says proudly.

  I smile to myself, “Well, I have some things to do before we get started but I’ll be back later today and I’ll teach you the basics. Okay?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine. But, uh…shouldn’t you tell Mom you’re leaving?”

  My stomach turns. I know I should talk to her before running out. But I know if I try talking to her now, she’s going to start looking for answers that explain my behavior. She wants answers that I can’t give her. Not yet. One more night to avoid her, that’s all.

  “Um…I’ll talk to her tonight. I’ve got work to do.”

  “Oh, so you’re gonna leave me to get lectured alone? Thanks. I appreciate it.” He spits with sarcasm.

  I laugh as I swing the door open, “No problem, buddy!”

  I can’t explain why, but I find myself taking my time today. Even though my parents are filled with fury towards me and I didn’t exactly leave Willa on good ends, I feel at peace. I take my time walking instead of running to town, soaking in the scenery around me.

  It’s funny, I always thought once I got out of this awful place, my family would be the only thing I’d miss but I feel wrong about that now. This is my home. This is where I was raised. Although it’s not a pretty sight and it’s filled with miserable people and memories, it’s still security to me in some way. My comfort zone is here. As bad as it sounds, I belong here in these dead gloomy woods and fields. I know these paths by heart and made some of them myself. I know the houses and the names of most of the families living in them. I’ve watched the seasons change each year here. I know how the wind blows. I understand the rivers. And yet…even that’s not holding me back. I’ve chosen my path, my life and I’m ready to start living it. I’m ready to live it with my Willa. I know she’s the only one who could possibly pry me from this place, convince me to travel through an unknown forest and truly witness the meaning of life or death and make it sound so sweet, so lovely and safe. I do plan on having a future with Willa so I know now that she is my first priority.

  There’s no hope for her and me here on my side, I remind myself, and no chance over on hers. But I know what I want. I know who I
’m meant for and it’s her. I have one more night in the house I built and it’s going to be overwhelming and maybe even depressing but by tomorrow morning, nothing is going to sound sweeter than leaving with my angel.

  I list off the things I need to find in my head. Food for both Willa and me and my family, warmer clothes for Willa, some more shotgun shells, and ask around for a job for Gabe. I dig around in my pocket till I pull out the small bundle Mr. Thompson gave me for the finished fence. I carefully dump the coins in my hand, attempting to count it. Five, six, seven, eight. Eight dollars to work with. I’ll have to make it last.

  The center of town is a couple miles from my house. A nice hike in the cold but I don’t mind. It’s giving me time to think. I work out my time schedule for today; get home in an hour or two, spend a few hours with Gabe and the girls, then when it starts to get dark, take off for the clearing. I also think about making amends with people I’ve hurt and upset the past few days. Willa and my mother are first to come to mind. I look up at the sky which is now a dark grey, reminding me how soon the snow will start. I’m kind of surprised it hasn’t already. It’s spine chilling.

  The population starts to increase as I get closer to town. It’s mostly women and young girls who work here. They make, grow, or sow things to make money off of or trade for different items. Some have their things laid out on mats or rugs on the ground while others have small tables. People sell and trade their things, just depending on what they need.

  As I walk through, trying to stay unnoticed –though it’s a failed attempt– I see everything from blankets, clothes, material, shoes, cloths, rope, and bags to food, tools, cooking utensils, even animals. I’ve only been in the center of town a few times. I try to stay away from here because of the population. Let’s just say I do my best to stay away from people all together. Nobody trusts anybody here and I don’t blame them, neither do I. But that doesn’t cloud my fear of being noticed, especially since I have quite a bit to hide.