Divided

by Kaesey Stobaugh

  Not to mention this place is crawling with soldiers. Though selling and trading isn’t breaking the rules, having so many people with tools gathered in one area is seen as a threat. They hover over everyone and everything that is being sold or traded is looked over and sorted through to be sure no one is smuggling weapons of any kind. Even though the majority of people here are women with small children playing around the streets and teenage girls, no one is trusted here and for good reason. If I were a soldier, I wouldn’t overlook the fact that they’re females at all, because even a girl could pull a knife on you.

  I wander around the street, staying out of the middle, and avoiding eye contact with anyone. I especially keep a careful distance from any soldiers. Though I know they can’t look at me and know I’ve been breaking a law worthy of death, I feel like they could see Willa in my eyes if I looked straight at them. I dodge children and small animals like dogs and cats that are running across the street.

  After a while, I notice I’m not doing such a great job at blending in with the shadows or acting like I belong. I notice many eyes watching me; luckily it’s mostly just curious girls. Although I do catch some flirtatious smiles and wide eyes, I ignore it like I always have and stay focused on my task. It also occurs to me that most these people are shocked to see a guy like me here. With the Taking going on, most of the men my age are long gone. With that realization, I feel myself tense up and my guard becomes more lethal. I’ve just stepped into enemy lands.

  Taking another sharp sweep of my surroundings, I spot six soldiers nearby. I try to think of a plan in case they do try taking me now, but no smart moves come to mind. I bet I could take on one or two at once but there’s no way I could beat six. I’d might as well throw my hands in the air and turn myself in. So, I walk calmly and try to look casual. Some soldiers turn their heads and watch me suspiciously as I pass by, though taking no action to confront me. It’s more likely that it’s midday and men are hardly ever seen in town than the fact that I’m a walking dead man. That’s the women’s job and usually my mother does take a trip once a month to restock. But, of course, giving her a list and asking her to go for me would be a one way ticket to the end of me.

  I jerk to a stop when I come to a table with clothing; girl clothing. I’ve never bought girl’s clothing before and I find myself at a dead end as to what I need. I don’t even know Willa’s size. I smile when I think about how awkward it would be to ask.

  The girl that’s sitting in front of the table jumps up when she sees me showing some interest in her clothing.

  “See anything you like, chief?” She asks with a friendly smile and curious eyes. I don’t think I need to explain why.

  I laugh as I try to avoid her eyes. I have a tendency of doing that. “Um, yeah. This is weird but I do need some pants.” I admit.

  “Well, I don’t think I have anything that would suit you well. Sorry.” I finally look up at her and she’s smiling with humor. She looks about sixteen with long brown hair and brown eyes. She’s dark from the sun, like myself, and a few inches shorter than me.

  “Ha. Ha,” I reply sarcastically which makes her laugh, “No, I’m looking for someone else.”

  “Well, what size is she? I can help you out.”

  It’s then that I notice that she’s no better than the other girls I passed. She’s playing with her hair as she sways back and forth. I avoid eye contact after realizing what exactly she’s interested in. Little does she know that the more she stares, the more Willa floods through my mind. There’s no competition, that’s for sure. I’m not saying she’s not pretty, but she’s nowhere near as breathtaking as Willa is.

  “She’s sixteen, so about your age, I guess.” I reply, “And I need hiking pants. You know, that are easy to walk around and move in.”

  Her smile quickly fades as she realizes that I’m “not available”. I smile to myself when I think about what Willa would say or do if she were here. I’d bet she’s so cute jealous.

  “Oh. Well…okay. Um, if she’s in shape, she’ll probably fit in these.” She somewhat snaps as she points to a stack.

  In shape? Well, so much for good customer service. I shoot her a sharp look as I pull a pair from the stack. She looks away from me towards two soldiers that are talking among themselves while eyeing us –or should I say me. I look in the same direction but turn away quickly, not wanting to draw attention.

  “These look fine.” I say with a bit of a shake in my voice, “How much do you want for them?”

  She looks at me, than the soldiers, than me again, “Um, for one pair, fifty cents.”

  “I’ll get two.” I say, handing her the money and putting both pair in my bag.

  “Thank you.” She looks like she’s going to say something else but decides against it.

  I walk on, watching the soldiers out of the corner of my eye to be sure they don’t follow me. When they don’t, I relax a little as I continue on.

  By the time I take off back to the house, I have clothes for Willa, veggies and meat for my family, bread and grain that will stay good for a long period of time for Willa and I, and a treat for the girls. I also talked to a guy about some work for Gabe. I told him my brother was looking for some work and he agreed to help him out. He also sold me a dozen shotgun shells. They won’t last me forever but it’s better than nothing.

  However, what I’m most satisfied with is the purple and blue beaded necklace I came across while avoiding soldiers. The paint was bright and fresh, shimmering in the light as I rotated it in my hand. This would look great on Willa, I thought. And when the twelve year old girl selling it told me she’d made it herself and that it was her favorite, I couldn’t stop myself from giving her thirty cents and taking the gem with me.

  I’m more than relieved when I make it back to the house. For some reason it feels like a win on my part each day that the soldiers don’t invade my home looking for me. But the free feeling soon fades when I remember I still have my mother to get past with all this stuff. Unlike the two bags Willa gave me, I can’t hide my own in the woods at the moment. I’m just going to have to tow it along with me tonight.

  When I come in, she’s cleaning the windows and though I’m sure she heard me enter, she says nothing. She doesn’t even turn around. I slip down the hall and into my room where I stuff mine and Willa’s things into another bag and take the rest to the kitchen. I set the things down on the table and perch myself in one of the chairs. Cinda breaks the silence when she comes running into the room.

  “Nate! You’re home!” She cheers. Cinda never fails to make my heart smile. She’s very good at making you feel wanted.

  I scoop her up in my lap and hug her close for longer than I should have. I realize that that could very possibly be the last time I ever hear that sweet voice filled with excitement simply because I walked in the room. And so the emotional part of it all begins.

  “Here,” I pull out a bundle and give it to her, “Go find Gabby and share that with her.”

  Her eyes widen with delight as she peers into the paper bag. She looks back up at me and smiles beautifully, “Thank you!”

  She leaps down from my lap and runs back to the bedroom where I assume Gabby is. I turn back to my mother who is now watching me. I can’t read her expression but I guess I’m in trouble again. What else is new?

  She walks to the table and goes through my bag. Relief fills me up once again that I took out Willa’s clothing and our food. She looks a tad shocked when she pulls out the supplies and starts to put it all away. We remain silent for a while longer and it’s starting to drive me crazy. Before I can think of anything to say, she breaks the silence first.

  “Why did you go to town?” Her voice doesn’t sound suspicious, but that she’s genuinely curious. So, I decide to tell her the truth…well, part of it.

  “I just wanted to make sure y’all were stocked before…you know.” I’m not sure if I imagined it but I swear I saw a rush of sadness cross her face. That or worry.


  “And you bought something for the girls.” It was more of a statement than a question.

  “Yes. I thought they’d like a treat.”

  “Is that why you got it? Or because you’re afraid you don’t have much more time with them?”

  My chest swells a bit. She’s beginning to tread onto the hot subject and I’m starting to get a little nervous about that.

  When I don’t answer, she goes on, “Nathan, don’t be worried about that. As much as you deny it, I do think you’re afraid.”

  “I’m not scared.” I mumbled.

  “Okay, not afraid but…uneasy.” She corrects herself, “And you have every right to be. There’s no shame in that.”

  “I’m not uneasy either. I know what’s going to happen. I’m more like…” She waits for an answer but my mind goes blank. I don’t have a word that’s true, or fits the bill. I just blurt some words out instead, “I just want to be prepared and I want you all to be okay. If I just…I don’t know…disappear,” I’m choosing my words carefully now, “I want you to be taken care of.”

  She seems to accept my answer as she turns back to her cleaning. I see a chance to apologize then. The chance I’ve been waiting and hoping for.

  “That’s why I took Gabe out last night.” I see her tense up as her arms drop from the window, “I wanted to teach him how to take care of the place and you guys when I’m gone. I kind of failed at showing him anything the past few years when I should have. It was just so much easier getting up and taking care of what needed to be done every morning myself than it was taking Gabe out there and showing him how to shoot a rabbit. I really messed up. And now seeing everyone’s homes being busted into and watching kids being dragged out, I just realized that I messed up. So, I panicked. I got worried about you all being here…you know, with no one providing for you. So, I dragged him out there because I was afraid. I’m just mad at myself for waiting until the last minute, now that I’m out of time-”

  “No.” She cuts me off, “No, you’re not out of time, honey.” Her voice is so soft, I’m not sure at first if she’s still talking to me.

  “And I’m sorry for overreacting. I know you would never let anything happen to him or any of us. And I don’t think I give you enough credit for that…” She stops, lost in thought, “I don’t think I’ve even thanked you.”

  “It’s okay, Mom.”

  “No, it’s not. I haven’t treated you right and I’m sorry.”

  I see tears swallow her eyes. She turns away from me and cups her hands to her mouth. I can’t believe she’s crying over me. Okay, I shouldn’t say that. I should stop flattering myself. She’s my mother. I’m her child. Why wouldn’t she be crying about losing me? I wince at that realization.

  I don’t really know what to do as she continues to sob into her hands. Should I say something? Should I just give her some space and let her cry? I decide to do what I did when Willa cried, the same thing I do when my sisters cry. I stand up and turn her around to face me. I wrap my arms around her. I don’t remember the last time I hugged my mom. I must’ve been very young.

  After she’s calmed down, I release her. She smiles at me as she pulls away to dry her face.

  “Oh,” She says, her voice still shaky, “Gabe is out back. He’s waiting for you.”

  Oh crap. I forgot about my promise. I look out the window at the sky and see that the sun has already set. Willa will be leaving soon and the last thing I need is for her to have to wait for me, thinking I changed my mind and left her…again. I have to leave now. I run a hand through my hair as the exhaustion sets in again. My mother notices my stress.

  “What is it?”

  “Nothing. Um, I have one more thing to do before I lose all light outside. I’ll be back tonight, okay?”

  “Okay, Nathan. Just be careful.”

  This new loving mother is going to take some getting used to. Just then, another thought strikes me like a bullet; I won’t have the chance to get used to it. The emotional outbursts set in again and I’m determined to ignore them.

  “I will.” I answer, swinging out the door before she has a chance to say anything else.

  I run around back to find Gabe sitting on top of the ice box with a small piece of paper, drawing on it. He sees me and lights up. I instantly feel horrible.

  “Hey, Nate! I’m ready.”

  “I’m really sorry, man. I ran out of time. I have something I gotta do tonight.” His smile drops but he nods, showing me he understands.

  “I’ll have some time in the morning, okay? Do it then?”

  “Yeah, that’s fine.”

  “I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t worry about it. We’ll do it tomorrow.” He smiles which does make me feel better. My little brother is a more understanding person than I have ever been. He’s growing up.

  “Okay. I’ll see you later, alright?”

  “See ya.”

  I run fast through the woods. I know I’m not late but I want to get there before her. I don’t want the thought of me not showing up to even cross her mind. I don’t know if she’s upset with me for being an idiot last night but I want to make it right. What if she changes her mind? What if she doesn’t show up? I feel sadness fill my heart from that tiny stupid thought. I shake it away and feel guilty for even thinking it. But then again…I did give her the option and told her I would accept her choice no matter what it was. So, if she were to not show up, it would be my own fault. I asked for it.

  When I reach the river, I stop to wash my face and take a drink. I decide to somewhat bathe after the cool water feels good against my face. I clean myself from the waist up, not having time to completely bathe, but I do my best at getting rid of the stink. I’m sure she’ll appreciate that. I throw my shirt back on without bothering to dry myself and take off running, carrying my jacket with me instead of putting it back on.

  When I reach The Wall, I’m out of breath but don’t hesitate climbing up. As I peer over the top, it’s obvious Willa isn’t here yet. I toss my jacket over and move the ladder for me to climb down. I jump off halfway, landing on my feet, snatching up my jacket and moving to take my place on our log.

  I sit there for about fifteen minutes, just thinking about everything I said last night. The more I think about it, the more stupid I feel and the more I realize Willa has every right to ditch me. I feel my heart beat a little faster with every thought until it’s pounding out of my chest. Just when I think it’s going to explode, I hear crunching leaves and footsteps from the forest. I swing my head around just in time to see her come stumbling out of the thicket.

  As much as I want to run to her and hug her the way I normally do, I don’t feel like I have the right to, not until I apologize and am for sure she forgives me. She smiles when I jump up to meet her but it quickly fades when I don’t smile in return.

  After what feels like a lot of rambling through my thoughts and apologies, she too willingly forgives me…again. I still feel guilty when she pulls me to the log and we sit down. However, I soon forget about that when she proceeds to tell me something I already knew but was too blind to fully see. I knew we weren’t going to be able to return, I always knew that. But the thought of telling my family goodbye forever was killing me, even though I know Willa will be giving up the same thing. I remember what I had told myself before, Willa is my first priority, and I repeat it in my head until her sweet voice interrupts.

  “Why don’t we talk about something else?”

  “Yeah. I haven’t exactly figured out how to tell my sisters goodbye and I’d rather not dwell on it tonight.” I look at her and she looks like she’s going to cry again. I can’t take that. I don’t want her to cry. That was too painful the first time I saw it. So, I take her hand and pull her down off the log onto the ground.

  “I’d much rather enjoy our last night here. I’d rather enjoy our night together.”

  She smiles as we lay down on the ground. The stars are very bright tonight and the moon is lighting up the fores
t around us. We lay in silence for a while. I thought she might have fallen asleep until she speaks again.

  “Nathan, do you think we’re doing the right thing?” I think hard about her question before answering, even though my answer doesn’t change from my first thought.

  “Yes.”

  “Why?”

  “What do you mean why?”

  “I mean…if we were meant to be together, why do we live on different sides?”

  She catches me off guard. I don’t know how to answer so I don’t. And when I don’t, she goes on, trying to explain herself, I guess.

  “If we were just natural soulmates, don’t you think it would be easier to see each other? We shouldn’t have to jump through hoops to be together. I mean, don’t you think if God made us for each other, He’d put us on the same side?” She pauses, “I don’t understand why it has to be so dangerous just to see each other. I hate that we have to risk everything just to have moments like this together.”

  She falls silent after that. I still don’t answer. I don’t have the answers to those questions. I don’t know anything and she needs me to know something. I guess I know only what I feel; I know my feelings for her.

  After another long minute of silence, I take her hand in mine and rub the top of it with my thumb, “I don’t know why we’re on different sides. I don’t know why it’s so hard and dangerous to seeeach other. I wish I knew those answers and I wish I could completely erase those thoughts from your pretty little head…but I can’t. However, I do know this; it wasn’t chance that I decided to jump over that stupid wall that night. Or that I decided to run down your street instead of the one across from you. And it definitely wasn’t a coincidence that I just so happened to turn that corner too fast…and you just so happened to be there waiting for me at the same moment.”