Breathe Again

by Rachel Brookes

  I breathed in slowly between clenched teeth. “How long have you known?”

  Silence.

  “Blake, start talking now. Otherwise, I swear to god my fist will connect with your face in about ten seconds.”

  Silence.

  “Tate, come on, man. Don’t do this here.” Jack stood beside me with fierce eyes. “Remember where you are. We have a bar full of people.” I scanned the bar. He was right. I couldn’t do this here. Savannah appeared and stood beside Jack with her hand grasping his arm and her eyes bouncing between me and Blake.

  “Outside, Blake.”

  The words left my mouth without consideration of my planned actions. Savannah took a step towards me and grabbed my hands in hers, trying desperately to pull me away, but I wouldn’t budge. Mr. Tate ‘stubborn’ Connors had arrived and he had one agenda in mind.

  “You’re really going to do this?” She questioned.

  “Sav, please.”

  “You don’t need to do this,” Sav whispered, shaking her head, and I saw something flash over her face that I never wanted to see. Disappointment. I was disappointing the one person who never deserved to be disappointed. She didn’t let me respond. Dropping my hands as quickly as she grabbed them, she turned on her heel and rushed towards the table where Tanzi was looking on anxiously. Fuck! Tanzi!

  “Tate, you’ve got to get your priorities fucking straight,” Jack growled beside me. He was right. I rubbed my face with my hands and let out a deep sigh. I needed to get my emotions in check and fast. “What the fuck?” Jack mumbled and shot a look towards the table where Tanzi and Sav sat.

  Blake stood beside Sav, leaned down, and whispered something into her ear. When the fuck had he even left? That’s all it took. I stormed through the bar, all thoughts of not making a scene escaping the moment he’d gone near her. Grabbing a fistful of his shirt, I pulled him away and flung him hard against the wall near my office. Patrons scrambled out of the way and the door of my office flung open under the collision of Blake’s back to the wall.

  “If you want to do this, at least take me in your fucking office. Don’t do this in front of them.” Blake looked over my shoulder in the direction of Tanzi and Savannah, who were huddled together with fear in their eyes. I grabbed him by the collar and pushed him through the door of my office, slamming it behind us.

  “How long have you known?” I spat.

  “Three months.”

  “How did you find out?”

  “My grandmother told me just before she passed. I didn’t believe her at first. I couldn’t believe her. The thought of you and Tanzi being my brother and sister scared me. Grandma had been sitting on this secret for twenty-three years.” Blake dropped his eyes to the floor. “I admitted everything to Grandma about our past, and she hated that we were no longer friends.”

  “You brought everything on yourself, Blake. You fucked Sarah and then you had to go after the one girl you knew I was interested in even after I told you. I had every intention to make amends with you that first night. That’s why I asked your band to play at Red Velvet, but then you had to go and take her home.”

  Blake moved farther into my office, his eyes traveling to the wall that held my favorite family photos. Sadness washed over his face. “I’m a fucking asshole, Tate. What more do you want me to say? When I first moved in with my grandparents, it was because my own mother had decided that I wasn’t worth looking after and, well, my father was nonexistent. I moved in and saw your perfect life. You had a mother who adored you, a sister who cherished every breath you took, and what did I have? I had grandparents who didn’t deserve to be given the responsibility of looking after a fucked-up teenager. I was jealous. I craved affection, and when Sarah showed me affection, I took it.”

  The sound of the door opening pulled my attention away from Blake. Savannah, Jack, and Tanzi nervously walked in. “Get them out of here, Jack,” I barked.

  “We aren’t going anywhere, Tate. If he is my brother, I deserve to know.” Tanzi’s voice hitched under her words, and I could see a wave of tears ready to crash over her cheeks. My heart ached for her.

  Screw this. I rushed towards Tanzi and cupped her face in my hands, making her look at me. We stared at each other, communicating through unspoken words like we did so often when we were younger and not wanting anyone to hear us.

  “You and me, Tiny. You and me,” I whispered, using her nickname from when we were children. “We will get through this. I am your strength and you are my calm, remember?”

  Tanzi nodded slowly as tears finally spilled over her cheeks. She took a step away from me and moved towards Jack, who wrapped his arms protectively around her. Turning my attention back to Blake, I saw that he was watching Tanzi closely.

  “And Savannah? Why the fuck did you go after her? You knew I wanted her. You knew that but you still went after her,”

  Blake turned to look in the direction of Sav, who had now moved to sit on the corner of my desk. His features immediately pained. Regret swamped his face and his eyes lost the spark they’d had moments ago. “For once I saw someone I was genuinely interested in. She was stunning and I knew she wasn’t an LA girl. That was refreshing. That’s what I needed. I saw the way she was looking at you and I saw the way you were looking at her. I am an asshole. I just wanted to forget for one night. I’m so sorry, Sav.”

  Sav walked across the room and stood before Blake. I waited with bated breath. Sav grabbed hold of both of his hands, pulled him to her body, wrapped her arms around him, and hugged him. Right there in front of me, she hugged him. “It was what it was, Blake. The past is exactly that—the past,” she spoke softly.

  “This is so fucked up,” I growled, pulling Blake from Sav’s grip. Every emotion I had bubbled over inside me and unleashed in a flurry of confusion. My father, my brother, my ex-girlfriend, my current girlfriend, my unborn child, my sister, my mother—who the hell could I trust anymore?

  I didn’t even realize what I was unleashing until Sav’s piercing scream tore thought my office. Blake plummeted to the floor, clutching at his bleeding face. One punch led to two, which led to three. I laid into him, every frustration I had being released through my fists. I lost complete control. Blake didn’t fight back. He let me hit him and he watched me through pitiful, broken eyes as I hit him with everything I had. My fists ached, my breathing broken, my gaze focused. It was only when I heard the faint pleas from the corner of the room that I remembered we weren’t alone.

  “Just stop!”

  I pulled away and twisted towards Savannah. Her beautiful face was scrunched up and looking pained and confused. Her cheeks were flooding with tears. Tears that my actions had brought on. I felt like a prick. My thoughts hadn’t even crossed to what Tanzi and Savannah were witnessing. What was wrong with me? My bloodied hands cupped her face and brought her lips to mine. She stilled against me.

  “Savannah,” I begged, needing to feel her. She opened her eyes, looking at me through tears, looking at me with lifeless eyes.

  “Tate, I need to go. You two need to sort this out. I can’t see this. I can’t do anything to help this situation.” Her words rushed.

  “Sav, I didn’t mean for you to see this.”

  “Lucas is taking Tanzi and me home. I need to ice my hand.” Her eyes dropped to the floor before bouncing up and landing on her stomach, which she was now cradling. “You need to remember what’s important, Tate. Sometimes you need to move on from the past in order to see the future.”

  She didn’t say another word to me. She just slipped through the door and out to the main bar. Jack kissed Tanzi tenderly and followed closely behind Sav, leaving Tanzi, Blake, and me in the silence of my office. Tanzi shook as she crossed the room and stood before Blake. With bloodshot eyes, she ran her gaze over his face, bloodied and battered from my fists.

  “You have the Connors eyes,” she whispered, her eyes flicking from Blake’s to mine and back to Blake’s. “I need time to adjust to this. My father—our father—l
eaving wasn’t your fault. I just need to let it sink in.”

  “Tanzi, I don’t expect anything from you and Tate. I don’t deserve that. I fucked up time and time again. I fucked up when I couldn’t stop Chelsea from the hell she unleashed in New York. It’s just one thing after the other with me.”

  My head snapped up at the sound of his words. “What does Chelsea have to do with this?”

  “She found out about my connection to you. She was using it against me in New York. Tate, I was never with Chelsea. She was holding that over me and threatening to tell you. I didn’t want you hearing it from her so I went along with her games. When I came to the hotel to speak to you, I was coming to warn you about her plans.” He shook his head as he remembered.

  I remember the exact moment I had told him to leave. All of the drama that had happened with Sav and I could have been stopped if I had listened to him, if I had given him a moment of time. He had been standing here telling me that he was with the fucked-up bitch to stop Savannah and me getting hurt and I hadn’t even given him the fucking time of day.

  “I still don’t know how she even found out. I just got an email through the band’s management about her and I had to go along with it. I only contacted Sav through Facebook to make sure I knew where she was. I didn’t want you or Sav finding out from her. I thought I was doing the right thing.”

  Tanzi gasped and she looked at me with wide eyes.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, swallowing my pride. “I should have spoken to you.”

  “You had every right not to speak to me, but I had to try.” Blake winced as his fingertips swept over his quickly bruising cheek. “I am going to go and get myself cleaned up. I have a photo shoot scheduled for tomorrow. I think it may be canceled.” He laughed softly and guilt swam through me.

  “I, ah... Sorry about that.”

  “You don’t have anything to apologize for.” Blake walked towards the office door and grabbed the handle before stopping and looking back at Tanzi and me. “When I was told that you two were my family, I finally felt like maybe I had a shot at something. It was always my grandparents and me, and then Grandpa died and now I lost Grandma. I don’t expect anything from you two and I would never ask for anything, but knowing that I do have family out there and knowing that it’s you two kinda makes up for everything.”

  I stood, mouth open, fists aching and bleeding, and my heart beating furiously in my chest as he stepped through the door and out of my office. Tanzi grabbed hold of my arm to steady herself and pulled me over to the couch in the far corner of my office. We sat in silence, staring at each other, both breathing heavily, the quiet sobs of Tanzi the only sound filling the air. Our world as we knew it had just been shifted. I had gotten my answers from my father, and in the process I’d gained a brother. A brother who for years I’d hated, despised, and wished to never see again. But in a split second, with Savannah’s words floating around in my head, I started picturing a whole different world for me. A world where forgiveness was the key and certain things clearly happened for a reason.

  I wouldn’t have had the intensely loving relationship with my mom if my father hadn’t left. I wouldn’t have had Savannah in my life if Blake hadn’t fucked Sarah. And I wouldn’t have had the desire and urge to be the best damn partner to Savannah and father to Jellybean if my father hadn’t fucked up.

  Savannah

  YOU KNOW that feeling when your mind runs a hundred miles an hour but your body feels like its running on empty? That’s how I was feeling now. Today could only be described as utter bullshit. The morning had been perfect—waking up in the arms of Tate, spending the morning flirting and sneaking into his office for make-out sessions, running the shoot and knowing that I was doing a damn fine job, spending lunch with Tate and laughing at Jellybean kicking and talking about baby names. But then shit hit the fan in the afternoon.

  I’d known that meeting Tate’s father would open up deep wounds for Tate and Tanzi, but I’d had no idea of the extent of the secrets that would be unleashed. It was mind blowing to think of Blake as their brother. I wasn’t exactly sure how long it would take for me to be able to comprehend it.

  “Where are you, Sav?”

  Lucas’s concerned voice filled my ears as we weaved our way through traffic and away from Red Velvet. This was a time that Tate and Tanzi needed to spend together. I would always be there for them, but at the moment, they needed their twin time and I would never come between that.

  “Just trying to get my head around everything.”

  “It’s a shock, isn’t it?”

  “Tell me about it.” I grabbed my phone out of my clutch bag and flipped it over in my hands. “Do you think it was the right thing leaving them there?”

  “Tate knows you are there for him. If I have learned anything about Tate, it’s that he wears his heart on his sleeve. He puts on this macho caveman act, but he will break just like the best of us.”

  “I’m scared of what this will do to him.”

  “Just be there for him, Sav. That’s what he needs.”

  I leaned back on the leather interior of Lucas car and closed my eyes. My hand ached from punching Chelsea, my heart was heavy, and my eyelids were begging to close under the emotion of the day, but yet I wasn’t ready to go home yet. The thought of driving around and listening to music felt like heaven.

  “Can we drive around for a bit? I don’t feel like going home yet,” I suggested softly.

  “Message Tate and tell him. If he gets home and you aren’t there, he will panic.”

  Nodding, I swiped open my phone and hesitated briefly before tapping on the screen.

  Tate, I will be home soon. Please don’t wait up. Love always, me and jellybean xx

  Putting my phone back in my purse, I shifted in my seat and gave my full attention to Lucas. “Tell me about you and Ali. It’s good to see you two back on track,” I asked, trying desperately to change the subject.

  Lucas smiled as he shot me a quick look. It was clear as day that he was happy. “We had a really good talk. She was scared of getting married too young because she had seen what happened with her parents and their divorce. I love that girl, Sav, and I am happy to have her in my life as my girlfriend at the moment.”

  “You two will end up married with babies. You’ll make the cutest kids.”

  “Did you think you and Tate would have kids?”

  “Hell no! I thought I would just fuck him and that would be it. I fought him for weeks. That day he turned up to take me on our date when you were at the apartment? Seriously, he blackmailed me into going on that date.”

  Lucas and I spent the next two hours driving along the Pacific Coast highway, listening to an ‘80s flashback station on the radio, and singing really terrible renditions of classic Bon Jovi songs. I could tell Lucas was getting antsy about getting me home. His eyes kept flashing to the clock on the dash. I knew it was time.

  Laughing at Lucas’s failed attempt at hitting the high note in Livin’ on a Prayer, I stopped mid-step as we walked into the foyer of my apartment building. My breath caught in my throat as my eyes landed on Blake hunched over in one of the plush black leather chairs on the far wall near the now closed coffee stand. Lucas halted beside me and grabbed my hand protectively.

  “Are you okay? I can stay if you want.”

  “No, that’s fine. Go upstairs. I need to speak with him.”

  Lucas kissed my cheek tenderly and nodded towards Blake, who walked slowly towards us with his face bruised from his early altercation at the fists of Tate Connors. The foyer was silent, not another soul around us. Considering it was close to midnight on a Saturday night, it was somewhat freaky.

  Blake stood before me and looked beaten, reserved, and utterly heartbroken.

  “I’m sorry for barging in here, but I just needed to come and see you to apologize. I’m so sorry, Savannah. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen.” Blake’s knees collapsed from under him and he dropped to the floor as every emotion er
upted within him. I had no idea what to do.

  My heart broke for him. I knew exactly how it felt to grow up without a family to call your own, but thankfully I had Mr. Davenport. I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him towards me.

  Here was the guy who had made my first night in Los Angeles memorable, the guy who’d had confidence oozing off him, sex appeal dripping off every inch of his tattooed body. And now he was weak, broken, fractured. This wasn’t the Blake Ryan I knew. I held him as he sobbed, my shirt becoming drenched with his tears. He was Tate’s brother. Tate’s little brother.

  And that’s when it hit me, at the worst possible time, the time when I should be concerned, quiet, and reserved. It hit me. Hard. I had fucked brothers. Blake Ryan and Tate Connors. Brothers. Why I laughed when I was faced with uncomfortable situations is something I would never understand. I laughed at the most inappropriate times. It could be someone falling over, a sad scene in a movie, or here in the middle of an abandon foyer of the apartment building. Now, as I felt the familiar energy swarming through my body, I desperately tried to swallow and restrain the laughter that was begging to escape my chest. Nope, it wasn’t happening.

  My laughter flew out of my mouth before I could slam it shut. Blake’s head snapped up and he looked at me in complete astonishment. Here he was, facing one of the worst times of his life, and some weird Australian girl was laughing in his face. Nice one, Savannah.

  “I. Am. So. Sorry. Blake!” My words were hitched by laughter. “I. Don’t. Mean. To. Laugh!”

  He rose to his feet, his brow furrowing as his eyes scanned my face. My laughter continued to bounce off the walls of the empty foyer before I finally got in under control, my stomach cramping, my eyes watering, and my throat dry. Every time I looked at him I laughed. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with me?