The Truth We Chase

by Carl Richards

  ‘Yes. you are.’

  ‘Exactly, Relationships are formed when two different people come together and bond through mutual interests, wants, needs, or a combination of them all. Certainly not for love, not at first anyway.

  Love, on the other hand, is very, very different. Love is inside you, you can’t give or take it, you can only share it. Love is a whole, no ebb-and-flow, no to-and-fro, no wax-and-wane. It is complete, far deeper than a relationship. You’re looking to find and then take love from a relationship, Joe. You need to separate the two, otherwise, you’re going to have a long list of ex’s and a lifetime of heartache.

  To prove my point, I’ll show you how much I know about your life based, ironically, on the little that I know about your life.’

  Jill picks up the picture of Ana, Luciana, and myself off the bedside table. ‘Right, your girlfriend is on the right of the picture, her aura is sexy and seductive. Physically she is tall, dark, and beautiful. She is classy and looks after herself and you equate that to high standards. You see her as the whole package and as a result, you think she’ll give you the love that’s missing from your life. A whole package is not a whole person. If you’re giving or taking love, it’ll never work.

  The upbringing you’ve had Joe has left you desperate to find love - the one thing you are missing; except - it’s not missing. Love is inside you, love is a thing, not created nor destroyed. Learn to love yourself, and learn how to share that love then you’ll be able to have strong stable relationships.’

  ‘With Ana?’ I ask.

  ‘With no knowledge of your relationship, I’ll tell you exactly what has happened between you and Ana so far.

  You’ve been friends for some time without anything happening.

  You told her you were coming back to England. Then, and only then, did she make a move on you?

  You live together – so, she pulled back from you, maybe even left you for a while, although as you’ve only been together since Sunday; I’m guessing she stayed away overnight?

  In the three days you’ve been “going out” together, she will have had at least one jealous outburst.

  She didn’t put up too big a fight to keep you from coming back here.

  She is now ignoring you; am I right?’

  ‘Unbelievably accurate.’

  ‘Have you ever watched fly fishing Joe?’

  ‘Fly fishing?’

  ‘With fly fishing, the person doing the fishing will continually flick the line and bait across the water, mimicking a fly, teasing the fish, getting it to focus solely on the one thing it needs. Eventually the fish will commit itself to catch the fly and by doing so, gets caught itself. It’s the same with Ana. She can sense you need love; she uses her sensuality as line and bait flicking in and out of your life so you will focus on her, which will ultimately draw you into a relationship, on her terms of course. You’re the catch of the day!’

  ‘I’m a fish?’

  ‘You’re a fish! If you can accept this, and realise that it is only a relationship then you stand a fighting chance. If you think it is love, you’re sadly mistaken, and will be single again within months, at best a year.’

  What Jill was telling me made sense, especially as she just described my life.

  She continues ‘Whereas, on the left of the picture... what’s her name?’

  ‘Luciana.’

  ‘Luciana; how do you know her?’

  ‘She is Ana’s best friend they grew up together.’

  ‘Oh dear.’

  ‘Oh dear what?’

  Jill sings the opening line from the song ‘Let’s Face the Music and Dance.’

  ‘Tell me about her.’

  ‘Luciana? She’s feisty, playful, lively, high-spirited, frisky, flirtatious, a good laugh and, in some respects, I get on with her better than Ana... perhaps I shouldn’t say that?’

  ‘Say what you want Joe if it’s the truth.’

  ‘I’d say we have a more open conversation; we have similar tastes in... well... just about everything, we both like the same sports and both support the same teams, we’re just like best mates, I suppose.’

  ‘Has she ever made a move on you, given you any signs that she may be interested in you?’

  ‘No, not Luciana, we’re just really good mates.’

  ‘Have a think, Joe, because I think there’s something more going on here. When you were talking about Ana, I was watching your face, you looked like a puppy dog. When you talk about Luciana, your face, especially your eyes lit up. You probably didn’t even realise it but you sat up straight, dominant, and manly! I’d say you are in a relationship with the wrong housemate.’

  Once again, I’m stunned into silence.

  ‘Now you’ve said that; Luciana has been acting differently since Ana and myself have been together. Ana and I argued because she came back from the local deli with breakfast and found Luciana sat on my bed whilst I was still in it...’

  ‘Naked?’

  ‘Yes naked, under the duvet, she was on top... let me rephrase that, she was on top of the duvet... fully clothed, I was under the duvet. We were just chatting but Ana didn’t see it that way. I thought to myself at the time, that Luciana was playing a game or trying to get Ana jealous; and then there was the dressing gown incident.’

  ‘The dressing gown incident? Pray tell!’

  ‘Luciana and I were alone in the apartment, the night Ana and myself had first got together, the same night Ana did her disappearing act. Anyway, we were alone and Luciana leaned over me, and...’

  ‘... and her dressing gown happened to fall open and she was naked underneath?’

  ‘Yes!’

  ‘Oh, my... Joe ... and you didn’t think anything of it?’

  ‘I just thought it was to get Ana jealous or plant a seed of doubt in her mind, and the dressing gown incident was just an accident, teasing or testing the water to see if I could be tempted...maybe?’

  ‘Luciana was showing you her feelings, albeit she was doing it subconsciously and inappropriately. She wants you to want her, not Ana, and you were too blind to see it. Take my advice Joe, if you want to be happy you need to be with Luciana.’

  ‘That’s great, but I don’t see Luciana in that way.’

  ‘Because you’ve been looking at relationships all wrong. Like I said you’re a puppy dog with Ana, with Luciana you’re a man... your choice. Luciana isn’t offering up her love to be taken, that’s why she isn’t on your radar, but she’s got love to share if you can find it within yourself to do the same.’

  ‘You can tell all that from a photo?’

  ‘In the eyes Joe, all you ever need to know about a person is in their eyes. Anyone can control their expression, their body language, the things they say and the way they say it if they need to. In fact, anyone can control anything, the eyes however convey the subconscious, your true self, the part of yourself that you can’t override. What did I say to you the first time I saw the photograph of the three of you?’

  ‘You said, you thought I’d be dating the one on the left.’

  ‘And that is Luciana?’

  ‘Yes Luciana.’

  ‘Look in their eyes, Joe. Ana; deep, intensely passionate, seductive eyes. She’ll draw you in with that look, all loving and sensual. Which is great - but unsustainable. In comparison look at Luciana, look at the fondness, the warmth, kindness and I’d even say loyalty...when was this photo taken?’

  ‘A couple of months before I moved in with them, so about seven months ago.’

  ‘Look at the body language Joe, with Ana it looks like it’s the first time you’ve met, but Luciana, she’s tactile but subtle. I bet she’s always been there for you, and if you were to be honest with yourself, you’d agree. I’ll also bet that Luciana wanted you from the first time you met but as you didn’t reciprocate, she pushed Ana and yourself together as a diversion from her own feelings. It would be easier for her to deal with your lack of interest in her if you were unavailable. Anyway, just my opin
ion, for what it’s worth...right, enough! Sixth Sense is on the film channel, fancy it?’

  ‘I’ve never seen it, is it any good?’

  ‘Absolutely perfect late-night viewing!’

  Chapter 12

  Easter Sunday

  I wake to a stinging blow to my buttocks, as I come around from my deep slumber, I hear a crack and feel the stinging sensation for a second time. Jill is standing over me, one white towel wrapped around her body, one around her head for her wet hair and one in her hand to towel whip me.

  ‘Get your lazy behind out of bed, we’ve got a full day ahead of us.’

  ‘Are there any towels left for me to dry myself after my shower or are they all in use preserving your modesty and for your torturous alarm clock?’

  ‘I think there is a hand towel left, that’ll do, won’t it? I’ve booked breakfast for nine, I want to make the most of our last day together before you head back Stateside.’

  ‘You make it sound like we’ll never see each other again!’

  ‘Are you planning on coming over regularly then?’

  ‘We could split it, sometimes I come to you, other times, you to me, you can finally cash in those frequent flyer points!’

  ‘I hate New York.’

  ‘No, you hate what happened in New York.’

  ‘No, I hate New York.’

  ‘I bet you’ve never seen the real New York. I’m guessing you’ve only been to the tourist sites and probably felt a little underwhelmed, only ever eaten at fast food or chain restaurants and never seen real up-close theatre?’

  ‘Yes, I suppose so.’

  ‘Give it a chance Jill... give me a chance, I’ll prove to you that it is the greatest city on the planet. I’ll introduce you to people, customs, food, and music from virtually every country in the world, certainly every continent all together in this one city. I can show you the real New York, trust me you’ll be smitten once you’ve experienced it.’

  ‘How do you suggest we go about this little rendezvous, Hello Ana, I’m Joe’s best friend just going to muscle in on your relationship, I hope you don’t mind! Do you think she’ll be okay with that Joe?’

  ‘It won’t matter, we’re done; there is no Ana and me anymore I don’t play games and I certainly don’t want to be part of someone else’s, I guess you were right about her.’

  ‘All about control Joe, if she is toying with you to this degree so early on, then she is trying to manipulate you. It doesn’t bode well for the future. How about Luciana, are you any closer to letting her into your life?’

  ‘Sorry to disappoint you Jill, but it’s just not going to happen. It couldn’t happen anyway, they’re best friends and we all live together, no part of that is going to work out well for any of us.’

  ‘That’s a point, it’s going to be awkward when you get back if you’re breaking up with Ana, are you going to stay there?’

  ‘Not sure to be honest; I’ve got options. I own an apartment up in Morningside Heights so I could move up there for a while if it proves to be unbearable although staying in the Ironbound would be preferable. What you’ve got to remember, a few days ago I was starting out in a new relationship, I had my life laid out in front of me clear as day and then coming back here has jinxed it... all.’

  ‘Anyway, what’s all this about Morningside Heights, Gairville, The Ironbound, you get around don’t you, just how much property do you own?’

  ‘Enough.’

  ‘A million dollars worth?’

  ‘Do we need to have this discussion?’

  ‘Come on, I’m interested... we have no secrets from each other.’

  ‘About $4 to 5 million once they’re all completed, actually some are complete and are rented out, but others are in planning, and some are being refurbished.’

  Jill sits down on the edge of the bed, mouth wide open, it’s the first time I’ve ever managed to silence her!

  ‘$4 to 5 MILLION!’

  ‘Don’t get giddy, I’m only a millionaire on paper.’

  ‘But still, $4 to 5 million that’s one heck of a retirement fund, now I understand why you’re not coming back.’

  ‘Oh no, that’s not the reason. I’m involved in far bigger, far more rewarding projects.’

  ‘Why on earth are you living in a shared apartment if you’re that rich?’

  ‘Like I said it’s all on paper and besides money is vulgar. The more you get the more you fear losing it which then makes you more possessive and selfish and that’s not me. When the time is right, I’ll release what I have as long as I have satisfied myself that I have achieved my goals.’

  ‘Can I be one of your beneficiaries?’

  ‘Who said you’re not already?’

  ‘Well you’re paying for breakfast... and lunch... and dinner... Speaking of which, you need to get ready...’ Jill stands up, grabs my ankles pulling me to the side of the bed, then off it onto my knees. ‘...and that’s exactly how I like my men, on their knees!’ She says mischievously.

  Standing up I make my way into the bathroom. I scan around for a towel and of course, there are none, leaning around the open bathroom door I can see Jill has sat back down on the bed with her phone in hand, texting.

  ‘Seriously can you spare me one of your many towels?’

  ‘Come and get one.’ She says.

  I make my way to the bed pick up the towel then head back to the bathroom. I’ve only taken three steps when I hear a crack and feel a stinging sensation. Jill has removed the towel from off her head and towel whipped me again. ‘Aaugh! Will you stop doing that every time I turn my back!’

  ‘Aww, diddums, someone isn’t a morning person...’ Jill twirls her finger around in the air and points at me, ‘...and that someone is... you!’

  I dive on her flattening her on the bed, she wraps her long legs around my waist and throws me over on to my back and sits straddling me, leaning forward she grips both my wrists to pin me to the bed, her long strawberry blonde hair falls forward smothering my face.

  ‘Who’s the boss?’ she asks, pulling her head up so we can see each other again.

  ‘I am, obviously,’ was my reply, this only led to repeated smothering, eventually leading to my submission, ‘okay, okay, you’re the boss!’

  Jill pulls her head up so we can once again see each other; then in that moment, where we are closer than we have ever been, we gaze into each other’s eyes. The warmth, the attraction, both physically and emotionally is profound and overwhelming. Both my brain and my body are awash with feelings of intense desire. We are both on the line that we vowed we would never cross, we stare deeply into each other’s souls.

  Jill falls to the left of me and pulls me over to face her. We hold each other for a few moments. ‘We can’t do this JJ.’

  ‘I know, it’s okay we vowed never to cross the line and hey, look at us, not crossing the line!’

  ‘Oh Joe, I’ve had such a good time I can’t believe that after today we’ll be apart again; no, change that, I don’t want to be apart again.’

  ‘We live in different worlds Jill and I doubt, when we both eventually settle down, either of our partners would understand our closeness.’

  Without thinking Jill replies, ‘Luciana understands.’

  Jill’s cheeks fill, she is now bright red, I can see the panic in her eyes as if she has spoken without engaging her brain.

  ‘What do you mean by that?’ I say with irritation in my voice, the tone set by my subconscious feeling that the honesty and openness we share had been compromised.

  ‘Please Joe, go and get ready we’ll talk over breakfast.’

  In the time it has taken me to shave and shower, Jill has fully dressed and is ready for the day. I re-enter the bedroom and there is an awkward silence.

  ‘I’ll see you down there’ Jill says as she leaves the room.

  I quickly get ready; I am intrigued to find out what has been happening behind my back. I take the stairs down, rather than waiting for the lift. Walking th
rough the door to the restaurant, I can see Jill, and despite the restaurant being virtually empty she has chosen a table at the far end of the room by the large windows overlooking the river. I make my way over to her and sit down.

  ‘I’ve ordered you a Full English and there is fresh coffee on its way. Do you want juice and toast?’

  ‘Please, cranberry juice if they’ve got it... thanks.’ With that Jill walks over to the self-serve section, as she does a staff member arrives with the coffee. I sit and gaze out of the window over the river and across the fields to a pub that was once a disused railway station where, as children, we used to play. I remember the times we’d make our way out to onto the platform when we heard the big Class 40 trains approach on full power, the thrash from the engines reverberating through our small bodies like shockwaves, each locomotive pulling what seemed like an unending line of limestone filled hoppers. At the end of each train was a brake van, as a child I yearned to ride that brake van, travelling the country. I imagine hunkering down in the winter by the warmth of its coal stove and in the summer sitting out on the veranda watching the world go by.

  ‘Daydreaming?’ Jill was back, two glasses of juice balanced on a plate in one hand and a plate with four rounds of toast in the other.

  ‘Reminiscing; do you remember playing in the old station?’

  ‘I do, and, I remember how much you wanted to travel to get away from here and boy how you’ve managed it and some!’

  I started to speak ‘So...’ just at the same point that Jill started to speak ‘I’ve...’ I stop and gesture for Jill to carry on.

  ‘I’ve got a confession; I did know about the email to you. Mum did the emails because I don’t have a computer. Your Dad turned up with your email address one day and suggested to Mum it would be nice for us to be back in touch with each other again. Well I was a bit down after my break-up so Mum bought into the idea.’

  ‘Why would I be upset that your Mum sent a reply on your behalf?’

  Jill looks a little sheepish, ‘there’s more... Wednesday night while you were travelling back from America an email arrived, the email was from Luciana. It was just a short assertive email explaining that the three of you lived together and that they understood why you were coming back. The real reason for the email seemed to be a shot across the bows to inform me that you are in a relationship with Ana and to keep my hands off! As I see Mum every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday, I happened to be there when the email dropped into the inbox. Apparently the three of you share the same computer at your apartment and you hadn’t shut down either your email or the computer before you left for the airport. So, we got into a little email ping-pong before exchanging phone numbers. We had a good chat, you know me, Joe, I’m not a girly girl I prefer males as friends, but we got on really well. I got Luciana and Ana’s life stories and all the background on you - and how the three of you came to be living together... we compared notes on men, relationships and life!’