The Truth We Chase

by Carl Richards

  Chapter 10

  ‘We don’t need to do this Jill.’

  ‘Yes, we do and there isn’t a better time. Like you said back in the hotel it has been us against the world from birth, you make me feel secure and protected, so I’d say the timing is perfect.’

  ‘Let’s do it then.’ I say as Jill links me on the way down the steps to the riverside path.

  ‘Do you believe in fate JJ?’

  ‘Not sure really, why do you ask?’

  ‘Since your Dad has started to hang around my Mum’s pub I’ve started to think more about the past and how I should work through the issues and emotions that I’ve managed to subdue all these years. Just as I get serious about doing it, you turn up out of the blue almost as if it was destined to happen.’

  My reply is possibly a little too gushy. ‘I’d like to think so, yes, we’re definitely stronger together. Perhaps this is fate after all. One thing is for sure, our relationship has always been about unity... too much?’

  ‘Yes, way too much, far too cheesy!’ She pushes me, down the embankment towards the river.

  ‘Hope you can swim, loser!’

  I rush back up the embankment, as I reach Jill I squat, pull her down on to my shoulders and pick her up in a fireman’s lift. ‘Come on, we always do stuff together. If I’m going in, you’re coming with me!’

  We laugh and joke the rest of the way until we reach the corner of Wildgoose Heys and the path to take us up to Jill’s old pub. We stand there for a moment.

  Jill looks slightly confused. ‘Well, this has changed.’

  ‘I know, but can you remember how it used to look?’

  ‘I can, but so much has changed in so little time.’

  ‘Indeed.’ I say. ‘The Rugby Club took the bottom section, nature the middle, and the top section is now a housing estate. Our field is now overgrown with trees, not a bad thing I suppose, but yes, a massive change since our childhood.’ We continue to walk and reminisce, not much is recognisable now but it doesn’t stop the flow of fond memories. We enter the housing estate at the top of the hill and the back of Jill’s old pub comes into view.

  ‘Are you sure you want to do this?’ I ask tentatively.

  ‘Yes, I’m sure.’ The expression tells a different story, I can tell she is putting a brave face on.

  We continue along the path and join the main road, from this point it is only a short walk to the pub. We instinctively walk up to the side gate and once there Jill rests her hand on it. Almost immediately an aggressive dog starts barking from the other side of the gate. She steps back, not through fear, but because this whole scenario is so reminiscent of that fateful day. We walk across the car park and sit on the fence on the edge of the old orchard, in the same place I’d been on that night back in 1983.

  ‘I hate my Dad and yours too.’ Jill says.

  I don’t want to reply; this is about Jill’s grief, not mine.

  She continues. ‘If he hadn’t gone to do that job for your Dad he’d still be here.’

  I must be tactful at this point and feign ignorance about our Dad’s business setup.

  Jill seems more angry than upset now as she tells me her version of what happened that night. ‘You know my Dad was your Dad’s right-hand man – an enforcer?’ I try my hardest to look as if I don’t know. ‘Come on Joe you can’t be that naive, well he was picked up on that night; I watched him go from that very doorway.’ Jill points up to the door at the top of the steps. ‘My Dad was taken to “lean on” someone who was getting too big for their boots. Anyway, during the confrontation that person ended up...’ Jill makes a throat-slitting gesture, ‘...and that was that Dad goes on the run and disappears off to Costa del Crime, living it up in the sun leaving Mum and me with the heartache, that’s why I hate him.’

  Just like the conversation with Rob last night, I am desperate to tell Jill the truth about her Dad, but how on earth could I tell her that he isn’t really sunning himself in a warmer clime, that in fact, we may well have just passed him in a shallow grave five minutes ago?

  This is impossible; it made me sad to see her angry at her Dad, but it would destroy her if she knew the truth and what would that do to our relationship? The only person I have ever felt truly whole with, if Jill knew I’d kept the truth hidden for all these years that would be the end of us. I wrestle with my conscience, over and over, was I being kind or selfish?

  Moving to America was an opportunity to escape all of this, my coming back was to face up to and, to make things right. Now I have that opportunity it isn’t that easy, I had to find a way to turn things around.

  ‘Are you sure that is what happened Jill? I couldn’t imagine your Dad running from anything and he loved you more than life itself, I would be shocked if he just cut you out of his life completely.’

  ‘What are you saying JJ?’

  ‘I’m just saying you couldn’t love someone the way that he loved you and then disappear from their life overnight, it just doesn’t wash.’

  ‘So, what do you suggest happened?’

  ‘I couldn’t tell you, Jill.’ The tone in my voice that suggested I didn’t know, but it concealed the fact I did know, but I couldn’t tell her.

  ‘Thank you, JJ.’

  ‘For what?’

  ‘For always looking at the positives, looking for hope in every situation. I guess I’ll never truly know what happened, but it helps when I’m reminded of his love for me. I guess I should stop looking at what is, and remember what was.’

  ‘Do you fancy a drink?’ I ask.

  ‘Yeah, but not here, that would really send me over the edge. As I haven’t been back here since I was nine and this is your old stomping ground JJ, which pub would you suggest?’

  ‘Let’s head up to the village, The Mitre at the far end is probably the best; it’s cosy and more intimate than the others.’

  Jill jumps down off the fence, turns, and pushes me, as I start to fall backwards, she grabs my arm to stop me, ‘you owe me a drink for saving your life!’ she says, before yanking me forward and off the fence.

  We set off and ten minutes later we’re nearly at the pub. As we are waiting to cross the road, I catch a glimpse of my ex-girlfriend Lisa, striding towards us with a face like thunder.

  ‘WELL, you don’t look very Brazilian to me.’

  Jill looks both bewildered and confused at the same time.

  Lisa is now shrieking at me but pointing at Jill, ‘So, where’s this one from? Another one under your belt, another Continent ticked off?’

  Turning her attention back to Jill ‘...and, do you know what love? He was with me last night, that’s right... with me... and, and... do you know he has a girlfriend already? No, I didn’t think so.’

  By now a crowd has started to gather.

  ‘Yes, that’s right, Ana is her name, just so you know.’

  I can sense that Jill is going to blow and when she does, unexpectedly it’s at me. She turns to face me, almost nose to nose.

  ‘You bastard, you complete and utter bastard.’ Jill digs her finger into my chest. ‘Really - you and Ana?’

  I’m completely confused, in shock I can’t work out what is happening, or more importantly, why it’s happening.

  Lisa then remembers our conversation last night about me living with two women, she puts two and two together makes five and then at this point foolishly decides to interject. Looking Jill straight in the eyes she decides to relentlessly vent at her. ‘Oh, now I get it... you, this pathetic excuse of a man and Ana, you all live, together don’t you?’

  That interjection was enough to draw Jill’s wrath on to Lisa.

  ‘And you, you dirty little whore, out with my boyfriend...’ Jill lifts her hand as if she is going to slap Lisa, before turning back to me. With her finger she prods me again, ‘to think I’m carrying your child; I thought you’d make a great Dad, well you can forget seeing me and your child in the future, we’re through.’

  Lisa likes to be in control, Lisa is no
t in control, Lisa has disappeared off to the pub.

  Jill barges past me and walks off leaving me alone with the crowd. A voice calls out, ‘I’d get a stiff drink if I were you, you look like you need it!’ Another voice calls out ‘...and a good Solicitor!’ Mocking laughter erupts, then one by one the crowd begins to disperse.

  I make my way up the road, before crossing over to the pub. Sat on the wall at the far side of the car park is Jill, in tears... of laughter. As I approach, she starts to mimic the EastEnders theme tune... Joe, that was hilarious. Who the heck was she, and what on earth was that all about?’

  I’m now totally confused and I’m looking to Jill for an answer, ‘that is exactly what I was wondering... what on earth WAS that about?’

  ‘I’m sorry Joe.’ Jill is trying to talk through her laughter, ‘when people act crazy around me, I have a habit of going up a level of crazy myself... that was the best ever though!’ Then in a mocking voice, Jill imitates Lisa, ‘you pathetic excuse of a man! So, come on, who is she?’

  ‘That was Lisa, my ex-girlfriend.’

  Still in hysterics, Jill puts her arm around my shoulder, ‘come on Casanova let’s get a drink.’ We make our way around to the entrance of the pub.

  ‘I’m not surprised you dumped her!’

  ‘The embarrassing thing is... she dumped me!’

  Jill doubles up in laughter once more, ‘stop it, stop it, my ribs are aching.’ She can hardly breathe through her laughing. ‘oh, I swear a little bit of wee came out then!’

  We make our way up to the patio area by the entrance to the pub and Jill sits down at a table.

  ‘What would you like to drink?’

  ‘I’ll have a large glass of red.’

  I leave Jill sat outside still trying to compose herself.

  I collect the drinks and make my way back out to the patio area; I’m followed out by another couple who take the table next to ours. Even though I’ve been away for several minutes, she is still wiping away the tears from her cheeks.

  ‘Well that little episode has made me realise I know absolutely nothing about you JJ, so come on, tell me about your life.’

  ‘Whoa, you know nothing about me, what was that about you being pregnant? You kept that quiet!’

  ‘I’m not really pregnant Joe, that little altercation was just like a storyline from a soap and like I just said, when people act crazy around me I have a habit of going up a level of crazy myself, that’s all, for some reason, that just seemed like the most controversial thing I could say at the time.’

  I stare into her eyes, ‘you’re such a beautiful person, you’d be a great Mum.’

  ‘... and you’re such a soft arse, Joe! So, come on, what’s happened to you in our seventeen years apart?’

  The mood quickly turns sombre, ‘obviously you remember up to that night. Well, that night I lost everything close to me; you, your family, my Mum. She left when she realised that the violence was getting so bad that one day Dad would kill her. To cut a long and painful story short I ended up living at my Aunty and Uncles house. They were kind, patient and loving. They kept me on the straight and narrow and got me through school. I started a good job with excellent training and eventually qualified as a Civil Engineer.’

  ‘So, where does Little Miss Crazy come into this?’

  ‘Lisa? I started going out with her from fifteen, four years later, I wanted to create what I’d never had, a strong and loving family home. I had a good career, on good money for my age and wanted to settle down – she didn’t, and, to be fair we were only nineteen. So that was that.

  A couple of months later, on a night out with the lads, I met Mia. Mia is a native New Yorker, over here studying at the University of Manchester.

  At the end of her course, she had to go back and I got the opportunity to go and live in the States with her. I got an extremely well-paid job in her Dad’s company; a luxury apartment overlooking the East River, Lower Manhattan and living a lifestyle I could only have dreamt about.

  Six years in total we were together. Then one morning, in bed, she just came out with it, she had got back with her first love and was leaving me.’

  Jill quietly laughs, ‘I’m so sorry JJ, that was a nervous laugh.’ Trying to pull her face straight she continues. ‘It must have been awful for you.’

  I’m now laughing with her. ‘It was!’ Jill reaches over and holds my hand. I carry on, ‘It’s fine, something deep inside told me this relationship wasn’t going to last forever anyway, so I made the most of it whilst I could... we had fun.’

  Jill waves her empty glass in front of me. ‘If I have to be your counsellor then the very least you can do is buy me another drink.’

  ‘Same again?’

  ‘Of course!’

  I return with the drinks a few minutes later. As I sit back down Jill says, ‘So then you jumped into bed with Ana to get over your heartbreak did you?’ This was unfortunate timing, as it came just as the couple next to us had come to a lull in their conversation. I could feel their judgemental stare.

  Jill whispers to me ‘sorry that was a bit loud. Carry on.’

  ‘We’ve only just got together; I’ve actually been single for just over a year.’

  ‘You’ve only just got together?’

  ‘Indeed, last Sunday.’

  ‘So, your relationship with Ana would be the only thing stopping you from coming back then?’

  ‘No, I love living in The Ironbound, I love working in New York City, I love my job, and I love my lifestyle. Even if I was still single, I’d stay there. Not that there’s anything wrong with it here, it’s just... you know... it’s just... all a bit, parochial. Take today as an example, I’ve only been back a few hours and already I’ve got someone in my face still holding a grudge from years ago. In New Jersey/New York, you don’t have time to sweat the small stuff; you have two choices, get on with it... or go insane. That’s how I like to live, forward thinking, only holding on to what is most important. So, to answer your question, no matter what happens I’ll be staying there.’

  Jill looks a little disappointed; she stands up and picks up my empty glass. ‘Same again?’

  ‘I’ll get them, Jill.’

  ‘Tell you what, I’ll get these and you can treat me to dinner!’ With that, Jill disappears off into the pub, then reappears with our drinks almost straight away.

  ‘Blimey, that was fast!’

  ‘Good looks and charm JJ, neither of which you possess and that is why it takes you so long to get served!’

  ‘You’re so cheeky Miss Breathnach!’

  ‘I know, and that’s why you love me Mr Ryebank!’

  A couple of hours later we leave the pub and jump in a taxi and head off to a local Italian restaurant for our evening meal. A bottle, or two of red wine later and then, eventually, we arrive back at the hotel.

  Once back in my room I try to ring Ana on both the apartment phone and her mobile. There’s no answer.

  Chapter 11

  Jill emerges from the bathroom, ‘I’ll take you up on that offer to stay.’

  The dress she had changed out of earlier is still on the bed, she picks it up and hangs it in the wardrobe, then reaches into her bag and takes out some nightwear.

  ‘What the... how many changes of clothes are in there?’ I try to pull open the bag to see, Jill slaps my hand away.

  ‘Enough for a couple of days away from home!’ She says.

  Then like a light being switched on in my brain, I realise what has been going on.

  ‘The hiking boots you had in the car. It all makes sense now... you brought them along because you knew we’d be going straight to the valley, from here.’

  ‘Yes, come on JJ you can’t be that slow on the uptake surely?’ She gives me a cheeky wink. ‘There was me thinking you were a man of the world.’

  I slap my forehead. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t catch on.’

  ‘You wanted me to stay, I wanted to stay, but I had to spend some time with you f
irst to make sure you hadn’t become a psycho killer in the years we were apart, so I had to test the water.’

  ‘And...’ I say inquisitively.

  ‘You are... as I first suspected...a freak, but a harmless one! I’m sure I’ll cope with you for a couple of nights. Do you need the bathroom before I go in?’

  I don’t know why she asks, she’s practically back in there anyway.

  ‘No thanks, you go ahead, I’ll sort the sofa bed out.’

  Jill pops her head back around the door. ‘Really, you’re going to do that?’

  ‘Yes, yes I am!’

  ‘Suit yourself.’ She says as she disappears back behind the bathroom door.

  I try to ring Ana again, still no answer. Jill enters the room, just as I finish making up the bed.

  ‘Oh, you really did make up the sofa bed?’ She says as she climbs into bed picking up the remote control off the bedside table.

  ‘Do we have a film channel?’

  ‘Yes, I think it’s zero on the remote control.’ I make my way into the bathroom.

  A few minutes later and I’ve finished in the bathroom and enter the bedroom again. Jill quips, ‘really... you’re going to parade around in your skimpy briefs?’

  ‘Be thankful I still have them on I usually sleep naked, and to be fair, I wasn’t expecting to be sharing my room.’

  She pulls back the duvet and pats the bed, ‘jump in.’

  ‘I don’t think that would be a good idea, Jill.’

  ‘Right, well either cover yourself up and talk or, jump in and talk. Your body is distracting me from what I want to say!’

  I go to my case for a t-shirt to put on.

  ‘Oh, for goodness sake just get into bed will you.’

  Being stubborn, I do both. I pull on a grey marl t-shirt then climb into bed.

  ‘You know nothing about love and relationships do you, Joe?’

  I stumble over my words as I try to speak.

  ‘Trust me JJ, you don’t.’ She pauses before carrying on. ‘I love you, Joe... I really love you, but there is no way I’d start a relationship with you. I know you love me and I also know for a fact that you don’t want a relationship with me, am I correct?’