The Truth We Chase

by Carl Richards

  As I slowly regain consciousness, I realise that the ringing is coming from the phone at the side of my bed and is my wakeup call. I reach over and take the call. It is now eight o’clock and I’m only an hour away from finally meeting Jill again.

  Chapter 9

  I hear my name mentioned as I enter the reception area so I make my way over to the front desk, as I approach, the woman stood there instinctively turns around so we are now facing each other, standing for a moment in silence. I am captivated by her. Even though we’ve spent seventeen years apart and I haven’t seen her since we were nine-years-old, the woman stood opposite me is unmistakably Jill.

  I raise my arms to hug her but stop myself, it’s been a long time and I’m not sure if the physical intimacy of a hug would be appropriate. In all that time apart, I never once thought this day would happen, but now it has I cannot muster any words grand enough to match the occasion. Eventually I do manage to speak, ‘Jill’ and that’s it; the sum of everything that is going on in my head and all I can manage is her first name.

  She just stands there and nods with a smile on her face, a beautiful, natural smile, a smile that comes from deep inside, a smile that bares the cheerfulness of her soul. I take a step back, she looks incredible in a floral V-neck Maxi dress, she is dressed to impress, and she does. She is exactly as I pictured her in my imagination with long strawberry-blonde hair, blue eyes, tall, slim, and toned.

  Then, spontaneously we move towards each other, coming together we hold each other tight. I whisper into her ear ‘I’ve missed you so much.’ I say it with genuine fondness, not just words, but an expression of my deepest feelings. Jill pulls back from me, she places her hand on the side of my neck just under the jawline and strokes my cheek affectionately with her thumb. Her eyes are wide and full of joy. For a moment we just stand there oblivious to everything going on around us, forgetting that we are in a very public hotel reception.

  ‘Hello JJ, how surreal is this.’ Her voice is soft and mellow, but confident.

  I start to reply, ‘surreal is an understatement, it’s incredible, I can’t believe that after all this time...’ but then I lose the power of speech again. I still can’t find words to match the intensity of my feelings.

  Jill is now playfully teasing me. ‘Not like you to be lost for words JJ, I couldn’t shut you up when we were kids!’

  ‘I know, oh how times have changed!’ I nod towards the restaurant, ‘breakfast?’

  We spend nearly two hours at breakfast. Jill is so vivacious, so effervescent, I hang on her every word, her scintillating conversation has made hours feel like minutes. In my mind we’re back in Wildgoose Heys lay in the long grass, under the most incredible sunset in the warmth of the summer surrounded by meadow birdsong and tranquillity. The emotion is intense, we’ve become so immersed in each other’s company that reality no longer exists.

  Unfortunately, reality does still exist, breakfast service ended half an hour ago and the staff are urging us to leave.

  On our way back to reception, Jill asks ‘So what do you want to do today?’

  For all my meticulous planning I hadn’t thought through what would happen beyond meeting her again, as a result I only offered a vague reply. ‘Not much is open today as it is Good Friday unless you want to go to Church! Let’s make the most of the good weather today, and then...’ I pause briefly, ‘I’m sorry Jill, I’m getting ahead of myself. I’m here until Sunday night and have nothing planned, so I’ll work around you.’

  We sit on a sofa in the reception area, Jill turns to me. ‘I agree, as it is such a nice day, how about we head down to The Edge.’

  I interrupt, ‘Alderley Edge, I’ve not been there for years.’

  Jill continues. ‘Remember my Dad used to take us to explore the caves looking for the Wizard... or was it King Arthur and his Knights?’

  ‘Oh yes, the legend of the 140 sleeping Knights waiting in the caves to fight the final battle of the world... I’m not sure it was King Arthur’s Knights though, I think that is two legends merged into one, but I do remember our trips there, those were good days.’

  Jill continues, ‘well, I only live a short drive away, so after our walk we can head back to my place after and I’ll cook for you.’

  ‘Are you sure I don’t want to put you out?’

  ‘Not a problem, it’ll be good for us to spend some time getting to know each other again.’

  I stand up and offer my hand to help Jill up, ‘come on then, let’s get out of here.’ I say.

  We make our way out of the hotel reception to the car park. ‘Which one is yours?’

  ‘Silver SLK over there,’ Jill points to the far corner of the car park.

  ‘You drive a Mercedes SLK and you live in Alderley Edge,’ laughing in jest I remark; ‘that’s serious money, are you dealing drugs?’

  I get a playful dig in the ribs off Jill.

  With a wry smile and a mischievous look in her eye she leans over and whispers in my ear, ‘of course I am, how else could a girl afford such luxuries?’

  ‘Really...?’

  ‘Really! I am in the drug business...the legal drug business. I’m in the Drug Metabolism and Pharmacokinetics Department, specialising in oncology.’

  Trying to be witty, I remark ‘that’s easy for you to say!’

  Then I put my arm around and pull Jill close, ‘I always looked up to you. Even as a kid you always excelled in everything you did.’

  We walk across to her car; she opens it and pulls out an overnight bag and a pair of hiking boots.

  ‘What do you think about the boots, a good look with this dress?’ She slips off her high heels and puts the boots on.

  ‘Gorgeous darling,’ I say in my best ‘posh fashion aficionado’ accent.

  She takes the boots off, throws them back in the car, puts her shoes back on and picks up the bag, ‘come on then, take me to your room, I need to get changed.’

  Back in the hotel we make our way up to my room. I open the door, Jill enters first puts the bag on the bed and then walks over to the window, I follow. The midday sun is streaming in as we gaze out on to the river.

  ‘I guess at some point we’ve got to confront the past’ she says whilst her gaze is still firmly fixed on the flow of the water.

  ‘I guess we will, at some point. Why don’t we go for plan B, how about staying local today, come back here, have a nice meal, a few drinks and you could stay over?’ I point over to the sofa in the corner of the room. ‘That pulls out into a sofa bed and there’s spare bedding in the wardrobe, I’ll take that and you can have the bed.’

  ‘You’re assuming my other half will be okay with that?’ She says in a serious tone of voice, ‘so, whilst he’s rattling around in an empty house, I’ll be spending the night in a hotel with an old friend, I don’t really think that’ll go down too well now would it?’ she turns to me, she looks stern and stares me down. ‘Anyway, I’ll put money on that you have a significant other who wouldn’t be too impressed either?’ Jill is still staring me straight in the eyes. ‘So?’

  ‘I’m sorry.’

  Jill interjects. ‘Finally, a man who can say sorry!’ I continue, ‘I got a bit carried away, I didn’t think.’ Jill interjects a second time, ‘right there; there’s the problem, you didn’t think.’

  We stand there staring deep into each other’s eyes and as we do, I see a very subtle change; she has a glint of mischief in her eye. I break the silence. ‘You’re kidding, you’re teasing me? That was a proper wind-up, you well and truly got me!’

  ‘Oh JJ, that was way too easy!’

  ‘So, there isn’t...’

  Jill interrupts, ‘no there isn’t, well there was, up to a few months ago.’

  ‘Are you okay talking about it?’

  ‘Yeah, you know me JJ, made of tough stuff. Strong and determined it’s in my Irish blood don’t you know!’

  ‘What on earth happened?’

  ‘Typical man, couldn’t keep it in his trousers is w
hat happened. So, the back story. We started seeing each other when we both worked in Oncology at the same pharmaceutical company; the one I’m still at. A few years ago, a top hospital in New York came sniffing around for some new talent and he jumped at the opportunity.’ It was my turn to interrupt Jill. ‘What is it about New York?’

  Jill looks perplexed.

  ‘Which hospital?’ I ask.

  Jill still looks perplexed. ‘Does it matter?’ I shrug my shoulders, ‘I guess not, I’m just interested, that’s all.’ Jill sits on the corner of the bed, ‘One up by Central Park.’ I join her on the bed, ‘I think I know the one, on the Upper East Side’

  Jill shrugs it off, ‘anyway, he moved to the States, I stayed here. We tried to make it work over a couple of years. Then on my last visit, we were, you know, we were...’

  ‘Getting cosy?’

  ‘Exactly, then in walks his other girlfriend and she goes off her head at me. It turns out I’m in a love triangle, of which, I knew nothing about.’

  ‘She went mad at you, aren’t you the aggrieved party in all of this?’

  ‘Yes, but to be fair, she was in the same boat.’

  ‘I can’t believe that anyone would do that to you, Jill.’

  ‘I know, he was a total bastard as well, really cold like he had no emotion about the situation. He was more bothered about being found out rather than being remorseful about the hurt he’d caused.’

  ‘I know it’s a cliché and won’t help, but you really are better off without him.’

  Jill has heard it all before, ‘you’re right Joe, it is a cliché and it doesn’t help!’

  I try to move the conversation on. ‘It’s a shame we didn’t meet up sooner, considering that, over the years, we have only been a few miles apart, if that, and we never even knew it.’

  ‘Joe, you’re not making a whole lot of sense!’

  ‘I moved to Brooklyn four years ago, before moving over to New Jersey where I am now, plus I’ve been working in New York City for all of those four years. I guess you’ve visited New York several times in the last few years?’

  ‘I have visited several times; I have more frequent flyer points than I know what to do with! Why, what am I missing?’

  ‘Your email Jill, you wanted to meet up and I told you I was living in Newark, New Jersey?’ There’s silence. Something is wrong, the confused look on Jill’s face is genuine.

  ‘I haven’t emailed you, Joe.’ Jill pauses, I can see in her expression she’s figuring it out in her head. ‘But... wait... I think I know what has happened here, I reckon it was my Mum who contacted you in my name. Does your Dad have your email address by any chance?’

  I cast my mind back to the conversation with Lisa and Rob in the pub last night. ‘Yes, he does, why, is that relevant?’

  ‘Your Dad has been hanging around my Mum’s pub like a bad smell just recently. Mum wants to see me settled down, your Dad passed on your email address, Mum plays matchmaker and here we are.’

  Jill stands up and walks back over to the window again, she just stands there shaking her head, ‘I’m so sorry, Joe.’ There’s a very sombre feel in the room now. Then suddenly like a switch being flicked, Jill turns around.

  ‘So, let me get this right, you’ve travelled all the way from America just to see me?’

  I just sit there on the bed; I’m still processing the fact that it wasn’t Jill that had sent the emails. She comes back over and sits on the bed next to me.

  ‘It doesn’t matter who did what and why, the fact is we’re here now and together again, surely that’s all that matters?’

  I turn to face her.

  She continues, ‘I’m sure that Mum’s intentions are good, at the end of the day here we are. It’s what we both wanted anyway, we just had the process done for us.’

  Jill is right and I’ve got my head around it now.

  Jill continues, ‘although there’s more chance of being kicked by a snake than us two getting together, still, bless her, she tried! I still can’t believe you travelled all the way from the States just to see me though.

  When Mum told me, you were coming over and you’d love to see me again, I thought you were coming over from the other side of Manchester, or at the most coming over from the other side of the country, I wasn’t expecting you to have travelled over the Atlantic, wow, I’m flattered! So, what on earth possessed you to travel nearly three and a half thousand miles to see me?’

  I had to think quickly, telling Jill about that night from our childhood wasn’t an option, certainly not at this point. After all, I don’t know what she does or doesn’t know about her Dad, that night or anything else for that matter.

  I stand up and ask, ‘can we walk and talk, I need some fresh air?’

  ‘Yes, why not, let’s stay local today as you suggested, tomorrow we’ll do the Edge, then me and Mum have a yearly tradition of going for an Easter Sunday walk if you’d like to join us?’

  ‘Sounds good to me, where do you go?’

  ‘There’s a valley just outside Buxton, not far from where my Mum lives. It’s nice, it has a couple of reservoirs, picturesque countryside, woodland and a ruin of an old hall.’

  ‘That’s my sort of place and it’ll be good to see your Mum again after all these years, count me in.’ I say enthusiastically.

  ‘Great, I’ll let her know. I’ll pick you up at about ten on Sunday, that’ll get us there just before eleven, two to three hours in the valley then some lunch back at Mums pub, back here for late afternoon or early evening; then I guess you’ll need to get to the airport, is it an overnight flight back to the States?’

  ‘I need to be at the airport for six on Monday morning, but an early night on Sunday would be good.’

  ‘Don’t worry I’ll have you back and all tucked up. Now turn around and avert your gaze whilst I get changed.’

  After a couple of minutes Jill was ready, I turned to her just as she was finishing pulling her hair into a high ponytail. She looked stunning in a pair of hi-tops, cut-off jeans and a sky-blue hoodie.

  ‘I’ll leave my stuff here and pick it up tonight if that’s ok with you?’

  ‘No problem, are you not staying over?’

  ‘No, anyway it looks like you’ve got enough women in your life already!’

  I’m puzzled, ‘what do you mean?’

  Jill reaches over to the bedside table, picking up the photo that is on it and as she does, turns it around to show me. ‘In a polyamorous relationship, are we?’

  The picture is of Ana, Luciana, and myself in a group hug in a nightclub, as Ana and myself have only just started going out with each other, we don’t have photographs of just the two of us, this was the only one that I have with the two of us on together.

  Light-heartedly I respond, ‘No one’s enough!’

  ‘Come on then, which one of these two beauties has to suffer you?’

  ‘As you’re looking at the photo, I’m dating the one on the right, Ana is her name.’

  ‘Now then JJ, that surprises me, I’d have guessed the one on the left, she looks feistier!’

  ‘You are a good judge, and yes, you’re right she is very feisty and quite scary at times.’

  ‘So, you choose the quiet one - settling down, are we? Well, she’s a good-looking woman and she looks smart too, make sure you treat her right... and that starts with not inviting other women to spend the night with you in your hotel room!’

  ‘Jill, it’s not like that, it has been us against the world from birth. Look at how fast we’ve bonded again after all those years apart, our minds are still in tune, we’re two halves of a whole. Our relationship is different, I don’t think there are words to describe or encompass what we have.’

  ‘Nice speech JJ, worthy of the Oscars! I know that nothing will happen between us, but think of how it looks to others. You wouldn’t like it if your girlfriend invited another man to spend the night with her, even if it was a relationship like ours where we both know nothing is going to
happen. It’s just not done and it’s not fair on her.’

  ‘I know, it’s just, in my head I’m faithful, honest and decent and I expect people to recognise that and respect my integrity. I guess I don’t always see the big picture and how it can look to other people.’

  ‘Come on sweet cheeks, this is getting way too heavy and life is far too short for all of this.’ She says, as she grabs my hand and almost skips to the door, as we leave the room the whole atmosphere lifts. Jill is playful, lively, high-spirited, it’s like we are children again with no cares in the world, no responsibilities, no worries. I don’t know what the receptionist thought as we passed through, I guess she wanted a pint of what we’ve had!

  We leave the hotel grounds and walk up the sun-dappled lane on the river bank that leads up to the main road. As we approach the junction with the main road Jill suddenly stops, almost as if an invisible force had seized her.

  She stands, gazing across the road to the fields beyond and towards Wildgoose Heys in the distance.

  ‘I haven’t been back since the night my Dad left.’ She says almost in a trance-like state.

  I can sense she is in the middle of a flashback. I put my arm around her as we cross the road and on the other side, we lean on the sandstone wall of the bridge and gaze out across the fields, a glint of sunlight from the river dances on both our faces. We are now both back there in our memories, in the meadows of Wildgoose Heys and in a flashback to that afternoon in August 1983, the last time we were together in the calm before the storm.