Through The Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  My last day at the museum went without mention by any of my co-workers Even with my parents strict no-working policy while in school, I did offer to fill in if need be, assuming I was available.

  The Monday morning after my last day of Summer, I woke to my alarm and the pangs that this was the first day of school. Getting dressed was nerve-racking. It wasn’t so much that this was my senior year as it was all the looks I’d be getting. Most of my classmates hadn’t seen my transformation from slightly overweight to the new me. Bathroom checks showed that Jenna was wearing her hair down.

  Standing next to her, I couldn’t help but notice with my weight loss we looked more alike again. So I pulled my hair back in a low ponytail. As cool as it was to be a twin, I liked looking like my own person. Adding just some lip gloss and wearing opposite colors than my sister, we were on our way.

  It was strange that Kyle was riding with us, a Freshman this year But he sat in the back, earbuds wailing from his ears, not wanting to be seen riding with his sisters. Jenna drove of course, which was fine with me. She’d had more experience than all of us, and I was way too nervous to pay even half my attention to the road.

  “Later, Kyle,” Jenna crooned loudly as he exited the parked car in a rush.

  Feeling like getting my brother back for leaving the seat up in the bathroom this morning, I got out and said, “You forgot your booster seat!”

  He turned around and flicked me off before catching up with his friends.

  “Nice,” Jenna said before hitting the locked button on the key fob. She didn’t stay and wait for me. Instead, spying her own friends, she headed in that direction, without so much of a backward glance. But my lips turn up in a ruthful grin, that was Jenna. Her friends came first.

  Not two feet towards the school, Madison snuck behind me with Bradley on her heels. Jumping on my back before quickly hopping off, I turned around and said, “God, you’re heavy.”

  Slapping me playfully looking at me scornfully, she said, “So you’re going with fat jokes now?”

  Yeah, that was wrong considering I had been the only fat friend. “No, I guess not,” I said, soberly, before pulling out a huge grin. “But the look you gave me was priceless.” It felt like forever since I’d hung out with them and gave them each a big hug. When I got to Bradley, I whispered in his ear. “Have you told her yet?” Pulling back, I caught the quick pained expression on his face. He hadn’t.

  Taking her hand in his before Madison could figure out she wasn’t in on a secret, we made our way to the front of the school. With their fingers intertwined, I wasn’t sure if the looks we received were because people were shocked at their change of status or my appearance. Nevertheless, we headed inside to our lockers based on the schedule and locker assignments we received last week. None of our lockers were nearby. I didn’t have much in my bag and opted to follow Bradley instead. Madison said she’d catch up with us.

  I gave him my stern look, and he sighed, saying, “There just never seemed to be the right moment.”

  “That’s no excuse,” I chastised. "The time will never be 'just right'." I said using air quotes.

  “Look, not telling her isn’t going to hurt her. I’m faithful to her. Isn’t that all that matters?”

  Thinking about it for a second, I said, “Honestly, if you had just met her, maybe. But we’ve been friends forever. It’s a lie not telling her.”

  “Fine, you’re right. But let me do it this weekend. School’s just starting.” He said throwing a look over his shoulder, no doubt itching to get away.

  Agreeing, I let him be and ambled my way to my first class. It seemed like summer never happened. Classes just breezed on like it wasn’t my final year. By third period, I waited for class to start and expected the teacher to tell us about a major project due in the next few days. That’s what it felt like. None of the teachers were holding back on getting right down to business. This class was Law. It seemed interesting enough and filled an elective spot.

  Writing in my notebook the title Law on the first line, I waited for class to begin. When the bell rang, I looked up at the teacher who was now facing the class as Ethan scrambled in and sat at a desk in the back row. Catatonic, I sat trying to make sense of his appearance. Yes, he lived close enough to me for us to go to the same school. But he hadn’t before. And I didn’t know what the school boundary lines were. Still with him coming from money, I assumed he went to private school away. And maybe he did and with everything that happened to him, he somehow ended up here? I was dying to know the answer to that question. However with the way he let his gaze bounce off me when he walked in, I knew he was still pissed off at me.

  Our teacher, Mrs. Dunnmore, made quite the impression. “Law means a lot of different things. This semester we will be learning more about the judicial branch. The one whose motto is ‘Innocent until proven Guilty.’”

  There was no need to see Ethan. I could feel the burn of his stare on my back well enough. Or maybe that was my own guilt that brought that sensation on.

  When class ended, Ethan was just getting up when I walked over to his desk. Enough was enough. I turned to meet his gaze. I found myself speaking before I thought. “You didn’t tell me you’d be going here.” That obviously had been the wrong opening line.

  His voice was flat when he said, “You didn’t ask.” He walked away, and I felt like I was slapped by his statement. I also felt like I deserved it. I watched him exit the classroom at a loss for words.

  After fourth period, I got a break with lunch. I met up with Bradley and Madison and staked a claim on the table we sat at last year. My Mom had made my lunch, like she always did, so I sat and waited for my friends to return with theirs.

  Of course, I filled them in on Ethan showing up. “So he’s the hottie everyone’s talking about,” Madison said wide-eyed.

  Bradley cocked his head to one side to give Madison a pointed look. “Boyfriend, here.”

  Madison rolled her eyes at him but took his hand in hers. “Give him time, Jess. You can’t blame him.”

  I didn’t. That was the problem. Eating my no hormones-fed turkey on multigrain bread, I kept taking glances at the lunch room doors, waiting for Ethan to show up. It was possible he didn’t have this lunch period, but normally juniors and seniors had A lunch and freshman and sophomores had B lunch but it didn’t always work out that way.

  When a hand found my shoulder, I nearly jumped out of my skin. Madison’s eyes were wide. For a second, I thought it might have been Ethan. Shifting my head back, tilted slightly, I found a familiar pair of eyes. Josh Macon. “Hey, Jessa.”

  A lump formed in my throat. I couldn’t speak. He was like a dream come true with thick brown hair and big brown eyes with a face in perfect alignment. To add to it, his smile boasted two perfect dimples.

  He didn’t stay. He walked away with a wink. I think my heart stopped. I had a crush on him for like forever. But he was always following after my sister. She’d mentioned he’d asked about me earlier, but I figured she was just trying to be nice or something.

  Madison just looked at me. I couldn’t blame her. Bradley seemed unfazed by the incident. But then he was a guy. Finding her words, Madison said, “Did you see the new teacher?”

  “No,” I said.

  “Mr. Miller. I hear he’s kind of cute. And they say he’s really cool,” she said, filling me in on all the gossip.

  Thinking, I said, “I think I have him last period for Art.” Those pesky electives crept up on you when reviewing your transcript for graduation requirements. At first I was nervous about taking it. But after this summer and coming into possession of the camera, I was kind of excited.

  After the lunch bell, we exited into the main hallway where Ethan stood. Josh had just clapped him on the shoulder. “Hart, man, what you doing slumming.”

  Ethan spoke, but his words weren’t as boisterous as Josh. I didn’t what he said. Watching his lips move proved I wasn’t adept in reading them, only noticing how perfect they
were.

  “You’ve got to play ball with us,” Josh said.

  Madison tapped my hand, noticing Ethan. I didn’t look because at that moment, he looked my way. A smile touched his lips. My heart leaped until Lucy stepped around us, and his eyes followed her all the way into his hug.

  Josh said, “Later, man.” He too looked my way. This time, I didn’t get my hopes up. Some girl was most likely the target of his attention. “Jessa,” he said just as loudly. Surprised, I met his eyes after I caught Ethan’s frown still hugging Lucy a little too tightly for a guy with a girlfriend.

  “Jessa, I asked your sister about you this summer hoping I’d get a chance to see you.”

  “Hey, we’ll see you later,” Madison said, tugging a protective Bradley away. Bradley wasn’t a Josh fan. He thought the guy was a moron.

  “She told me,” I said, when he still looked at me. His face fell a little and I realized how my response sounded like I wasn’t interested. Getting bumped a few times, I couldn’t think how to fix it or what to say. I felt silly standing in the middle of the halls while people made their way around us. No one said anything about it because it was Josh that was causing the traffic jam.

  “Well, I was –,” he said, right before his pals came up and surrounded him.

  “Dude, did you see Trix in that skirt,” one of his friends said. They hadn’t even noticed me. Then again, I would have been shocked otherwise. They were all talking at once. Turning, I manage to catch his eye when I walked off.

  The rest of my day went without seeing Ethan. It almost felt like a dream until he, of course, showed up in my last class of Art. He was late and forced to sit in the only available seat, which happened to be at my table of four. Great. Giving me a quick glance, we both turned to listen to Mr. Miller. In this exploratory class, we would explore many mediums of art such as pencil sketching, charcoal, clay sculpting, and even photography. Ethan stole a glance my way when the teacher spoke. The fact that he thought about me made me blush.

  After Mr. Miller’s speech, we were to use the class to begin a pencil sketch of anything of our choosing. I wasn’t an artist, at least not in this venue. But I began the predictable choice of a vase with a flower in it. It seemed the easiest, and I wouldn’t look like a total fool.

  Mr. Miller was going table to table talking, and I guess meeting the students when he landed at ours. “Good job, Ethan.” I looked up to see that Ethan was drawing a face. He was working on an eye, so I really couldn’t tell who he was drawing at this point. But by the little that I’d seen, it should look amazing when done at the rate he was going. “Nice, Miss…” he began. “Jessa Shelby,” I said. He hadn’t asked Ethan’s name. I didn’t have time to think. After he spoke to each one of us, he said, “After class, we are having our first meeting for the yearbook club. I’d love for you all to join. There are so many ways to help.”

  When Ethan spoke, he looked at me. “Some of us are real naturals with a camera.”

  Mr. Miller followed his gaze. Feeling the heat, I tried to look away. “Well, I hope you will join us.”

  Ethan didn’t speak to me the rest of the class, and I didn’t look at him. I was confused at his response to me from this morning until now. I didn’t know what I would do next.

  Ethan got back to work on his sketch, so I did the same. Nearing the end of class, my picture looked like a first grader had done it. “Nothing to be done with it,” I muttered to myself. When I looked over at Ethan, he closed his sketchbook. Sketchbook. I’d gotten drawing paper from the supply cabinet as did most of the students. Ethan had his own pad. I hadn’t noticed it before.

  Weary eyes raised and met mine. I had to make this right. “Ethan,” I began in a whisper. He looked away, and I knew I was going to lose this opportunity. And I had to say it. It didn't matter if he'd heard so many times before, I owed him this, “I’m sorry.” Other table mates briefly looked up, curious about what was going on.

  Snapping his head up, he said, “Really,” in a tone that clearly meant he didn’t believe me.

  Forgetting about our audience, I said, “Yes, I judged you unfairly, and I’m truly sorry.”

  His eyes narrowed like he was trying to determine the truth in my words. “Well isn’t that something,” he said dryly.

  This wasn’t going as well as I hoped. Looking down from his piercing blue eyes, I picked at a hangnail. “I hoped we could still be friends.”

  His voice was sharp and cold. “I’m at my quota for friends. Thanks for your offer.”

  Shocked that his words stung, I said, “So that’s it.”

  Mimicking a shrug with his mouth, he opened his pad and started back on his sketch to effectively ignore me again.

  By the time the bell rang, announcing the end of school, our two tablemates, along with most of the class, had left quickly. Ethan had been in the middle of serious concentration on his work. He hadn’t moved. We were alone at our table. “I don’t blame you,” I said. I knew I’d hurt him. His avoidance of me said it all.

  “You should,” he said, putting his pencil down. “I am guilty.” His words were icy, yet I felt the heat of anger radiating off of him. My phone vibrated in my pocket. I was sure that was Bradley asking where I was. My sister had cheerleading practice so I was riding home with him and Madison. Pulling out my phone, I said, “Wait.”

  Yet, he continued to pick up his things like he was ready to bolt. Not wanting to lose my chance, I shook my head and didn’t answer the incessant ringing. I stood to get in front of him so he couldn’t ignore me.

  “Look, Allie told me you know. So you should know this. If it wasn’t for me, Carly wouldn’t have been out of the car and into the woods,” he confessed. “You, princess, were right. You don’t need friends like me.” Allie, of course, had let him know I knew the details. His voice had been lowered this whole time, and he’d checked our surroundings a few times while we spoke. Even still, he showed me how strongly he felt with his facial expression and how he leaned forward when he spoke directly to me.

  Reaching out reflexively, I put my hand on his, preparing to say something like he wasn’t guilty. I felt a jolt of heat when him so close and our skin touching. Just a tiny bit of movement and our lips would meet. His heavy lidded eyes landed on my mouth and I knew we both possibly thinking the same thing. Breaking the moment, Mr. Miller spoke, and I didn’t know what Ethan would have said or done because I pulled my hand back. “I’m glad you two are joining.”

  “Um, actually, I was just leaving. My ride is waiting on me,” I said, getting to my feet sad my time was up to get Ethan to forgive me.

  “Maybe next time then?” Mr. Miller questioned, a dejected look on his face.

  “Yeah, definitely,” I sputtered. I left the room, feeling embarrassed that I touched Ethan, what had I been thinking? My whole body burned with the warmth that radiated from that tiny contact. Leaning back on my locker, I was about to check my message when my phone rang.

  “Where are you,” Madison’s voice rang through the phone and into the quiet of the hallways, which had emptied at an alarming rate. How long had I been there talking to Ethan?

  “I’m on my way,” I said. Pushing through the front entrance, I headed to the parking lot, which sat behind the teachers’ lot. It was a bit of a hike. I think they did that to discourage people from driving.

  Sliding in the car, I again found myself taking center stage with my friends. My problems recently seemed to be the topic of the day. This wasn’t my normal role. I’d been the listener all these years. A few times I let on about my crush on Josh, but now I was the one on the stand.

  “I saw him in the hallway. He’s super cute and I didn’t get the creepy vibe from him,” Madison said, her feet on Bradley's dashboard. “But Lucy was all over him like a wet tee shirt.” Lucy was one of Jenna’s friends and a girl to be reckoned with. With her perfect face and perfect body, she had any guy in school she wanted. And apparently, she had her sights on Ethan.

  “That’s a v
isual I wouldn’t mind seeing,” Bradley said. Madison slapped at his arm. “Hey, I’m driving.”

  I couldn’t help but wonder which of the two he’d visualized. Mentally, I chastised myself. This is what he was afraid he'd get from Madison if she found out he liked both girls and guys. And I was no better. Shaking my head to myself, I agreed with Madison. “She was all over him.” And he hadn’t stopped it.

  Madison said, “Yes, she’s marked her territory and staked a claim. And I must admit they looked cozy.”

  “He was just being nice,” I declared. “He has a girlfriend.” I added, defending him. I’d already made the mistake of jumping to conclusions. As bad as it looked, I was trying not to do it again.

  “If you say so,” Madison said. The way she tilted her head said she totally didn’t buy that.

  Bradley dropped Madison off first. Thankfully, he walked her to her door for them to do the kissy huggy thing. I loved them both dearly, but it was still weird to see them as a couple now.

  Looking at my phone, my fingers moved over the keyboard, finally resolved in my task.

  Me: How’s Allie?

  Bradley was driving us home before I got a reply.

  Ethan: Fine.

  Me: Is she in town?

  Ethan: Friday.

  “You are going to give me until this weekend right?” Bradley’s voice said.

  Looking up, I nodded unconsciously, my head was somewhere else.

  “Earth to Jess. Is it that Ethan guy?” he asked.

  “Yes,” I said, while shaking my head.

  “I don’t know. You have that look when you talk about him that says you like him a lot.”