Through The Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  Finally, we broke apart long enough for us to catch our breath. At the close of the car door, we ended up in the end zone of the football field. Dark as it was, I could imagine the bright lights and I could hear the crowd roar with anticipation of a win.

  “So this is where the magic happens,” I said.

  Looking up into the sky with the moon full and shining what little light there was down on us, he said, “This is where my Dad wants the magic to happen.”

  Although he was responding to me, it was as if I wasn’t there. Then he tugged on my arm, leading us to the stands. We didn’t sit in the first row. He pulled us into the third. “I always wondered what it would be like to sit here and watch a game.”

  His eyes held that faraway look. He was fighting his own demons, and I wasn’t sure what to say. “Can’t you just tell him no?” I asked.

  Focusing his eyes on me for the first time since we stepped on the field, I saw that was a big no. “It’s not that easy. Even though I hear my Mom tell him to stop living his dream through me, I don’t want to disappoint him, you know?”

  Nodding, I held his hand tighter. This wasn’t a problem I could solve for him. All I could do was be there for him. Like a friend. That thought gave me pause. Josh was the first guy I ever dated and I wasn’t sure how I should feel. He was great to look at. But the nervousness I felt was fear not living up to the other girls he was with, not the nervous anticipation from wanting to be with him.

  Staring into the darkness, I felt my hair, which I’d worn loose tonight, brush away from my shoulder. Then his hand cupped the base of my skull, gently turning me. There in his eyes, I felt his heated desire. When he moved me to meet his kiss, I did. There was feeling in that kiss. Strong emotions that came from all the things he couldn’t say. I tried to respond in kind, but the passion of being here was his alone.

  Soon his hand found my collarbone and glided down my hair to grip me at my waist. I had never been kissed like this. Well, heck, I had only been kissed a few times, and most of them with Josh. Feeling breathless, I pulled back a little to take in some air. Too soon, his mouth was on mine. His hand skimmed across my stomach and up along my ribcage where it stopped.

  As if I had answered his question, he moved his hand and skimmed it over my breast. I froze. He froze. Pulling back, his hand dropped away.

  Following his hand’s safe retreat to his own lap, I met his gaze. I saw confusion and maybe even a hint of anger there.

  “I’m sorry… I thought…,” he stammered. His hand brushed over his head like he didn’t know what to do or say.

  I did. “You thought what?” It was a question, but there was annoyance in my own words. Did he think I was an easy target? Had this been what all his attention was about? Ask the lame girl out, and she will give it up with no problems.

  “I thought this is what you wanted,” he managed to say.

  Leaning back from my astonishment at his words, I hardened my eyes. “What. I. Wanted,” I said enunciating each word.

  “Yeah, I mean, Jenna told me you thought I was moving too slow,” he said, dead serious.

  My eyes had to look like miniature full moons because I gaped. “Jenna told you what?”

  “You didn’t say that,” he said, looking confused again.

  Thinking for a second, I recalled the conversation. Not one to lie, I said, “Yeah, but I said that the night after our first date, and I was confused by your kiss on the cheek. That is a far cry from making out to being groped.” My words were filled with heat and venom. Some of it directed at him and the rest for wanting to wrap my hands around my sister’s throat.

  “Look, maybe, I should take you home,” he said, throwing his hands up in the air like he was done with me.

  “I think that is a good idea.” We stood and walked out of the bleachers. His long purposeful strides put him ahead of me. But being alone, I was able to hear him when he spoke more to himself than to me.

  “I should have gone to the party tonight,” he muttered.

  Something about how he said it, and his words set me off. Halting, I said, “You know what, Josh? Why don’t you run along and get to that party. I’ll find my own way home.”

  Turning to face me, we stood several yards apart. “Don’t be stupid,” he said.

  “Stupid. You know what’s stupid. What is stupid is for me to get in that car with you right now with how I’m feeling. Stupid is you making a leap from going slow to a high speed chase. Now go,” I yelled.

  Shaking his head, trying to hold on to his own anger, he said, “I’m not leaving you alone here in the dark.”

  Crossing my arms over my chest, I spat the words, “I’m not a girl who needs hand-holding. This is our school. I can find my way home from here.”

  “Fine,” he said, stalking off. The next thing I knew, his engine fired to life, and he pulled out.

  A cool chill seemed to cover my arms. I couldn’t believe he actually left. Yes, I’d meant my words. But somewhere deep inside me, I hadn’t expected him to really leave.

  Moving backwards, I finally turned and made my way back to the bleachers and sat on the second stair, fumbling my phone out of my pocket. Thank goodness, I hadn’t brought a purse that would have been left in Josh’s car. Everything I needed, including my house keys and my emergency cash, was on me.

  Madison and Bradley were out on a date, but surely they wouldn’t mind this interruption. A few touches of the screen, and the phone rang in my ear. And it rang, and rang, and rang until voice mail picked up. A muttered curse, and I ended the call.

  When I pressed the phone to my ear a second time, I didn’t fare much better. Bradley wasn’t answering his phone either. Maybe they went and saw a movie. But that was unlikely. They did that while she was at work.

  When I tried my luck one more time, the phone rang three times, and I was about to hang up. Tears welled in my eyes. The heartbreak that Josh could be such an ass hit me as my predicament grew worse. School was only a few miles away from my house. I ran several miles most days, so walking wouldn’t be a problem. Thank goodness for bowling and an early warning. I was wearing Chucks, so my feet wouldn’t die if I had to walk. There was just no way I was calling my parents. It wasn’t that late, and my situation wasn’t that bad. The neighborhood around school where I had to walk was relatively safe.

  “Hello,” the voice on the other end said. Closing my eyes, I was unsure how my long shot option would react.

  My voice cracked more than I hoped when I spoke. The choked sob I’d been holding released. “Ethan.”

  There was a lot of noise and people talking in the background. He was most definitely at a party. I wondered if he’d run into Josh.

  “Hold a second. I can’t hear you,” he said loudly. I took a moment to let my hurt come out in the form of more sobs while he couldn’t hear me. When the noise turned to a dull chatter in the background, I sucked in a deep breath. “Are you crying?” he asked. Breathing in deep again to gather myself before I spoke, he chimed in again, “What the hell happened? Where are you? Where is Josh?” The last question sounded like his teeth were grinding together.

  “I’m at the school,” I managed to say, but it wouldn’t be hard for him to tell I was truly crying.

  “What? Why? Where the hell is Josh?” he yelled. His anger wasn’t pointed at me, but it still stung.

  “Um, he, um, left,” I stammered.

  “Fuck. I’m on my way. Stay put.” And before the line went dead, I heard the unmistakably sound of a female voice say What, you’re leaving.

  Looking at my phone, wondering how long I was going to have to wait because Ethan was apparently busy, my phone rang. “Jess, sorry I missed your call.”

  “Madison,” I said, voice cracking.

  “Sweetie, what’s wrong?” she asked, her voice filled with concern.

  “I don’t want to interrupt,” I said. I didn’t need a ride anymore so I could tell her later what happened.

  “No way. Can I put you on
speaker so Bradley can listen?”

  “Yes,” I said and told them the story including that Ethan was on his way.

  “I am so going to kick his ass on Monday,” Madison said.

  “No, leave that to me,” Bradley said.

  “No one is going to kick anyone’s ass. I’m the one that told him to leave.”

  “You know that was stupid, right?” Madison said straight up.

  “I know,” I said, dejectedly. “I was just so mad. I didn’t want to be around him.”

  “Still, he should have waited until you had someone else come get you,” Bradley added.

  A roar preceded the dark shape that came racing into the parking lot. “I’ve got to go,” I said. “Ethan is here.”

  “Call or text me when you get home,” Madison directed before we hung up.

  Walking back to the parking lot, Ethan was already on his bike looking frantically for me when he finally spotted me coming around the bleachers.

  Walking fast, he met me halfway. Putting his hands on my shoulders, he asked, “Are you hurt? Did the bastard hurt you?”

  “No,” I said, shaking my head with his hands now on either side of my face.

  “Do you want me to drive you home?” It was too dark to see his eyes, but I felt their intensity on me.

  “Can we go to your house?” I asked, not ready to go home and think. Some of Ethan’s sarcastic remarks may help clear my head.

  He nodded. “You’re shivering.” Shrugging off his jacket, he held it out to me. I didn’t argue, I just put it on.

  “Won’t you be cold?” I asked.

  “I’m fine,” he said, directing me to get on his motorcycle.

  Getting on, I didn’t have a helmet like the girl this morning. Of course, he hadn’t expected me to be riding with him. “I don’t have my helmet, so we’ll take it slow,” he said.

  Keeping to his word, he didn’t speed past the posted limit. Without the helmet, I was able to press my face to his back and inhale that faint scent of cologne he wore.

  In his garage, he helped me off the bike and kept my hand when we went inside. He didn’t let go until he urged me to sit at the kitchen bar counter.

  “Coffee, hot cocoa?” he asked.

  “Hot cocoa sounds great,” I said. Although I was happy to be with him, my mood was still somber.

  Not looking at me as he riffled through cabinets, he said, “So what happened?”

  “Nothing really,” I answered. Of course, he would know that was a lie, but I felt really embarrassed to tell him.

  Pouring water from the tap into a kettle, he said, “Don’t bullshit me. You didn’t call me for nothing.”

  Closing my eyes, I knew he was right, of course. So I told him most of it. I didn’t go into specific detail of how Josh attempted to take our relationship to the next level, but I figured the phrase he wanted to go all the way, sufficient enough.

  “So he just left you there?” he asked, incredulously.

  Looking away from his stare, I said, “I told him to go.”

  Shaking his head, he said, “That doesn’t mean a damn thing. You don’t leave a girl stranded especially at night in a dark deserted area.” He paused, then added, “I can’t blame him for trying to cop a feel, but it was a dick move to leave you.”

  His white knuckle grip on the mug he handed me said it all. He was furious. “Why is it okay for him to feel me up?’ I asked.

  “Jess, every guy is going to try at least once.” I flushed thinking about him touching my stomach and then kissing me. “He stopped when you told him, no?” he asked, even though I’d already given him the details. I nodded. “So, he respected your decision. But to be so pissed about it and leaving you, he crossed a line. And I’ll talk to him about it.”

  “Don’t worry about Josh. I don’t blame him,” I said. I did blame him, but I didn’t want Ethan and Bradley starting a fight at school over my honor. This was my battle.

  “Don’t worry,” he said. I saw the determination in his eyes. He was planning something.

  “Ethan, please don’t start a fight with him,” I pleaded. “Let me handle this.”

  My puppy dog eyes worked. Relenting, he said, “Fine.” Then he muttered, “I won’t start anything.” There was heavy emphasis on the word start.

  The mug was warm, and the chill still hung with me. Drinking some of the cocoa, I moaned with pleasure. “Oh, this is good,” I said dragging out each “o” in my sentence.

  Arching an eyebrow at me, he said, “Like.”

  “Yes,” I said. “What did you put in it?” I asked because it didn’t taste like average hot cocoa.

  Shaking his head, he winked at me. “For me to know.”

  Just what I needed, his shamelessness. “So you won’t share?” I asked.

  “Maybe, depends on what you have to offer me,” he said casually with his back turned. He was apparently working on his own mug.

  His statement could be taken many ways. So I sipped at the hot cocoa, unable to come up with an answer. “What do you want?” I asked.

  “To finish this night the way it started,” he said. I couldn’t see his face, but I imagined the sly grin that I’d heard.

  Not backing down, I said, “And where was it leading?”

  Facing me, he said deadpan, “To my bedroom.”

  His eyes seemed to smolder, swirling and mesmerizing me, so that I couldn’t think, breathe or react right away. “Um,” I croaked.

  “You asked.”

  “But,” I mumbled.

  “Don’t worry, princess. I know the score.”

  At ease, I said, “And what is the score?”

  “Bottom of the ninth. One out. Zero runners on base, and any guy would strike out after what happened to you tonight.”

  “I can’t believe you.” I wanted to laugh, but I wanted to cry. It was a crapper night. But here, Ethan was turning out to be my Prince Charming, and my foot didn’t fit in the glass slipper he had. Allie’s did, and it would serve me well to remember that.

  Putting his empty mug down after downing the contents, he hissed.

  “Was it too hot?” I asked.

  “No, it was perfect with a little something extra.” I left that comment alone. Putting my empty mug down. The cocoa was outstanding.

  Leaning on the counter to face me, he caught my gaze. “Tell me something,” he began. “I know your name is Jessica, and your sister’s name is Jennifer. How come you guys are called Jessa and Jenna and not Jess and Jenn?”

  That was a good question, and very few people bothered to ask. Madison and Bradley knew, of course. “Well, when we were little, Jenna and I tried to say each other’s name, and it always sounded like Jessa and Jenna. Apparently, I wasn’t good with F’s back then. And I guess it just stuck. But Madison calls me Jess. And you do, too.”

  “I was just curious,” he said. His eyes lingered south. Snapping back to attention at eye level, he said, “If you’re not ready to go home, we should go watch a movie or something. Preferably an action movie with a lot of gore.”

  It was a strange request. “Why?”

  “So I can stop imagining the color of your underwear,” he said, smiling at me.

  With my mouth open for a fly to come calling, he shrugged. “I’m a guy. And I was nearly to home base when you called.”

  Cringing, I said, “Sorry.”

  “No worries. Girls are a dime a dozen.”

  “What?” I said with my hands on my hips. He hadn’t seen my indignation yet.

  Sitting on the couch with a remote in hand, he said, “Not you. You’re not just any girl.”

  Moving to stand in front of him like my Mom did when she wanted my Dad’s full attention, I said, “What kind of girl am I?”

  Sighing, he said, “I thought we were becoming friends.”

  He held his arms out like Bradley did whenever I needed to vent and needed comfort, too. I eased myself down on the sofa and into his embrace, my back partly on his chest. He put his hand on m
y shoulder, and I leaned more into him. “Friends with benefits,” he said as his hand moved slowly down.

  Slapping it away, he chuckled at me. “Never hurts to ask,” he said, shaking out his hand. “Except in this case.”

  Laughing, I shook my head. “What about Allie?” I asked. I didn’t want the ease of our conversation to end, but the question begged to be asked.

  “What about her?” Some of the playfulness leaving his tone.

  “You, other girls?”

  “She’s not here and she’s knows the score.”

  There was a finality about his statement. We were friends but not best friends. It wasn’t my place to judge. I’d worry about how much to share with Allie when I saw her.

  Right now, Ethan turned out to be just what I needed. A distraction.

  Chapter Twenty Three

  Waking up, I remembered my night. It had been fun. Ethan had promptly dropped me off by curfew and curiosity had me wondering if he’d gone out after. Maybe back to the party he’d been back at or to her. The girl I’d heard in the background, I hadn’t been sure it was Lucy, but I wouldn’t have doubted otherwise.

  Finishing homework and chores, I watched a few YouTube videos about starting a blog. I was seriously considering it. When my phone buzzed, I didn’t bother to look at who was calling, knowing it was either Madison or Bradley.

  “What’s up,” I said.

  “Nothing,” a voice responded, clearly not belonging to either of my best friends.

  “Ethan?” I ask incredulously.

  “Yeah,” he said, “Hey, have you finished the roll yet?” He was referring to the film and my camera.

  “Yes…” I said a little too slowly.

  “So really no,” he said calling me out.

  “Um, well, almost,” I confessed.

  “Can you come over?” he asked.