Through The Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  “I, I.” Stammering for a response was all I could manage.

  With his hand he scrubbed over his face, he cursed, “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have asked. Of course, I’ll take you home.”

  The desperation he tried to hide wasn’t lost on me. His eyes pleaded with me, contradicting his words. “Yes,” I heard myself say. What was I thinking? Lying to my parents wasn’t me. Yet, how could I say no to that face.

  Turning, I walked towards the car. “Where are you going?” he called after me.

  Continuing forward, I said over my shoulder, “I’m going to get my phone.”

  Minutes later, I was listening to an exasperated Madison. “You owe me big, huge,” she said drawing out the last word to let me know to what extent I’d have to pay her back.

  “I know,” I said.

  “Fine, don’t get caught. And don’t do anything I wouldn’t do,” she said.

  “And what might that be?” I teased.

  “You are so wrong,” she laughed.

  Taking in a deep breath, I counted my heartbeats in double time with the ringing of the phone. “Hello,” the voice on the other line said.

  “Mom.”

  “Jessa.”

  “Yeah, I’m going to stay over with Madison tonight. Is that okay?”

  “Sure, did you take clothes?” she asked.

  “Uh, no. I’ll borrow something from her,” I replied.

  “Okay, see you tomorrow,” she answered, ever trusting. I’d never given them any reason not to. I closed my eye when the call ended.

  When I opened them, Ethan stood there. “I can still take you home.”

  Shaking my head and biting my lip, I said, “I want to stay with you.”

  The place was sparsely furnished and reminded me of his house. There wasn’t anything to eat in the kitchen, so we ended up driving several miles to the first fast food restaurant we came across. The place had a play area for kids. Thus the place was packed with families. We ate there, but I watched Ethan casually looking at the families. I didn’t ask him about it.

  “My Dad died one year ago today,” he said in an offhanded way while we were dumping our trash. We had to move single file to clear the doors for all the new incoming patrons. That took me off the hook from finding something to say.

  On the way back to the cottage, silently he put his hand palm up in between us. Without pause, I placed my hand on his, weaving our fingers. Squeezing once, I let him know how I felt.

  Pulling to the driveway of the cottage, in the face of darkness, I really got a look at the place. The color of it was light, as it reflected the moonlight instead of absorbing it. There were four windows on the lower half with the front door in the middle and two dormer windows on top. We pulled into a carport to the right of the house. We entered through a side covered entrance. The white walls bounced the moonlight all throughout. The dark stained wood floors didn’t creak when we made our way into the living room.

  Ethan flipped a switch, and the fireplace came to life.

  “Nice,” I said.

  Grinning, he said, “It gets cold here at night.” He collapsed on the sofa that faced the blaze. Moving, I sat next to him. My dress rode up my leg, reminding me I didn’t have anything to wear.

  Two empty chairs sat empty on either side of the fireplace. I couldn’t help but think how easily my family could have settled in here. My thoughts were replaced with the turn of my chin by his hand and his lips on mine, this time in a gentle kiss. The glow from the fireplace and the moonlight were the only illumination in the house. It was enough to cast light on the desire that rose in his eyes.

  One moment his hands were in my hair, the next I was lying on the couch underneath him without a clue how that happened. His hands made their way up the side of my dress, which let me know I still had it on, thank goodness. Obviously, I’d lost all reason. Taking inventory of myself, my damp skin was surely from the heat of the room. With a sudden urge, I felt the desire to undress just to cool off, of course.

  That is about the time that my brain woke up. “Ethan,” I said when his hand touched my stocking clad thigh.

  Raising himself up to a seated position, he said, “Sorry.” His breathing was labored above my own. I wasn’t sure I was asking him to stop, but thought it best to let it be for now. Wiggling my elbows underneath me, I hoisted myself up. Seeing what I was trying to do, he lifted up, so I could swing my legs to get myself seated.

  “Are you tired?” he asked, not looking at me.

  The awkwardness created a third person in the room. I felt like the lamest of the lame. Ethan was most likely used to a girl freely giving him anything and everything he wanted. “A little,” I said meekly.

  “So bedrooms are just up the stairs. The first door on the left is the bathroom,” he said, pointing to the right where the spindly staircase was bathed in moonlight.

  Looking down on myself, I wasn’t sure how to proceed. I had no other clothes. And the way the house looked more like a basic model home, I didn’t guess there would be any spare clothes.

  “Oh,” he said before unbuttoning his shirt. Looking away, I didn’t want to guess wrong at his meaning, so I worried on my lower lip instead. With more rustling, his hand proffered a tee shirt to me. I had to look now. There he sat in all his glory, chiseled muscular abs, skin bare to me.

  Opening and closing my mouth, I took the shirt with nothing else to do. I moved to stand when he caught my wrist. “I’m not mad,” he said.

  Nodding was easier than speaking. Letting me go, I stood and my words, found themselves. “I bet you’re regretting getting involved with me.” Insecurity grew an ugly head and formed my words.

  Getting to his feet swiftly, he blocked my path. “It’s because of your worth that I’m willing to wait forever if I have to.” Then he kissed my forehead, like I was a child. My heart sank. But his kiss moved lower to the tip of my nose. I sighed in relief. Then softly, he kissed my lips, and all was forgotten. The heat was back, and at the cool touch of his hand on my arm I began to wonder if I was having my own personal summer. The phrase, I’d learned from my Mom when she complained often that she was hot when the rest of us were fine.

  Stepping back, I moved past him and up the stairs. I went directly to the bathroom. Looking at myself in the mirror, my hair was tousled and wild. My eyes were a reflection of the rest of me. My lips were fuller, swollen from kissing. I looked more like a girl ready for what Ethan may have wanted. Turning on the faucet, I splashed myself.

  Opening the bathroom door, I called out, “Ethan.” His footfalls were welcome. He stood over me, and I felt tiny and vulnerable. “Can you help me?” I said while I turned around. Getting into the dress hadn’t been that hard. But getting out was problematic. I wasn’t a contortionist. He cleared his throat before I felt his hands at the nape of my neck. Slowly, the zipper went down then stopped. His hands were gone. “Can you unzip it all the way? I’d hate to call you back.”

  Audibly, I heard him swallow before I felt his hands on me again. I can’t say that a part of my ego wasn’t boosted knowing that I affected him. But another part of my brain screamed that I was playing with fire. And you know what parents say about that. You might just get burned.

  His fingertips trailed down to the small of my back, searing his touch in my memory. The zipper stopped. He took a step back. I turned around. He nodded at me before he made a hasty retreat.

  Back in the bathroom, I let the dress drop to the floor unceremoniously. Then I looked at myself. I wasn’t going to win a swimsuit contest, but my body wasn’t bad. I wondered just what Ethan would think if he saw me. Would it be just Biology or would he truly appreciate a one-time gift I had to offer.

  The fact that I wasn’t sure and was hiding in a bathroom, contemplating it, meant I wasn’t ready. I was closer to yes with Ethan than I had been with Josh. Yet, this wasn’t the time. Then another thought came to me. Ethan’s tee shirt was white. He’d been wearing a white button-down. So, did I wear my br
a or not?

  I rolled my dress up so it wouldn’t wrinkle. I didn’t think there would be hangers for me to place it on. I came out of the bathroom barefoot, feeling quite exposed. “Ethan,” I said. No footfalls came. “Which bedroom should I use?”

  “It doesn’t matter,” his voice rang out. He sounded close. I went to the door that was ajar. Peeking inside, I saw Ethan with his glorious back to me. He wore boxer briefs and nothing else. Reminding myself I’d seen him like this before, I pushed on through the doorway. He was bigger than I was. His shirt, however, wasn’t tented on me, nor did it cling to my curves. So I felt okay wearing it.

  A four-poster bed that was joined to make a rectangle of wood at the top, and a footstool marked the end of the bed. Ethan turned from the dresser where he’d been looking in the mirror. I moved to the bed.

  “Oh,” he said, sounding taken aback. “I’ll just take one of the other rooms.”

  “Will you stay with me?” I asked timidly.

  Stock-still, he surveyed me like he was peering into my soul through my eyes. How do you convey that this is what you want without moving a muscle? “Yeah, okay,” he said.

  I drew the covers back on the side of the bed I was on. He did the same. This wasn’t like playing house when you were seven with the boy next door. And besides that, we’d shared a bed before. This shouldn’t be so weird.

  Simultaneously, we lay down on each half of our bed, our backs firmly on the mattress and stared up. This was really ridiculous. I turned as did he, but my word escaped my throat first. “Ethan,” I said. And there we were side-by-side on our sides. It felt like electricity was jumping between us, firing bursts of sensation all over the places where our bodies met. My brain was screaming Danger but my body moved closer to him. Magnetic, people called the pull between two people attracted to one another. And yes, that's what it was because some invisible force pulled our lips and body together. His hands were in my hair, my hands were in his.

  Talk about compromising positions, I’d become the aggressor in this little game. The bed sheets had become heaps at our feet, leaving the chill in the air to brush against my naked thighs. I was atop Ethan when I regained my sense. Looking at his face, it wasn’t hard to understand why it hadn’t taken me so long to get here.

  Grinning wildly, he rolled me onto my back, stopping himself on his side. Then he rolled me to my side with my back to him. With a tug, he pulled my back into his chest with a sigh at my ear. “I never thought it wouldn’t be hard to lie with you like this.”

  There were many ways to interpret his words so I said nothing. I felt every inch of him, and my willpower not to try and get closer to him was waning. “Goodnight, Jess,” he whispered, his forearm barely grazing the bottoms of my breast. He didn’t try and grope me. So, I felt like the decision to go braless showed my trust and faith in him, even if I felt shaken in my own resolve. It was by his willpower alone, I hadn’t done anything I might regret later.

  “Goodnight,” I said and closed my eyes tight, willing myself into slumber.

  Chapter Thirty Three

  This wasn’t like last time where I realized my mistake and I was on alert to beat my parents from discovering that I broke the rules. So when I rolled out of bed, I headed to the bathroom with Ethan still sound asleep.

  My footfalls slapped silently on the chilled floor. I found myself nearly tiptoeing to save myself the frostbite ground beneath my feet. Of course, there were no towels in the bathroom. A quick smell check said I was passable there. Thank goodness there was toilet paper. And miracles of miracles, there was a tiny tube of toothpaste that had a little left in it. That’s how Ethan found me, finger brushing my teeth.

  His arms were crossed from the cold or the look in his eye. I wasn’t sure. I spit out the toothpaste and gave myself a quick rinse. By this time, he’d moseyed his way to halfway sitting on the counter. When I stood, he gave me the once-over. “Well, there is something to be said for letting girls wear your clothes.”

  “Why is that? I’m sure this isn’t the first time,” I said with a pang of jealousy at the thought. I remembered when he was taking Lucy home that one morning, and then there was Allie.

  “No,” he said frankly. “No girl has ever worn my clothes before.” You could say I did a mental happy dance, but somehow managed to keep my glee to myself.

  “Allie?’ I asked, surely all the time they spent together something could have happened.

  Chuckling, he said, “Allie is always well prepared.” I winced. Showing just how smooth he was, he said, “And I don’t think Allie would look as hot as you do now.”

  The sucker that I was, I grinned. Tugging at the bottom hem of his shirt, he asked, “Do you think I could get it back?”

  Slapping his shoulder slightly as he made a move to pull me closer, I said, “Nice try.” Feeling damn pleased with myself, I sashayed out of the room.

  “No fair,” he called after me.

  Half turning, I said, “I think I left you a little toothpaste.” And no, I hadn’t smelled any bad breath, but he was a little too proud of himself. Moments later, I heard the water running. I did a quick change into my dress. I opted not to put the pantyhose back on. I wasn’t going anywhere that this would be a faux pas. At least I hoped not.

  The plan was for Ethan to drop me off at Madison’s house so she could bring me home. Plus, I needed to borrow something of hers to wear to back up the lie I told. However, we decided to stop at his house first. We left early in the morning because we were awake, and there was no food there. We opted to get something and continue home. It wasn’t even noon before we made it his house. He parked outside because we wouldn’t be here long.

  We headed straight for our bunker to develop the film. He was just as excited to see how the pictures of the landscape turned out as much as I was. Ethan was an artist at heart, I thought. His sketches from class had been amazing. Now that we were together, I made a mental note to ask him about what those three really meant.

  Once we were there, I was grateful I’d gone first. Otherwise, Ethan would have gotten an eyeful if he looked underneath my dress. We were setting up, when he cursed. “I forgot something.” He was inventorying the chemicals again, when he added, “I’ll be right back.”

  “Okay,” I said and took the time to survey the setup so I would be able to recall enough to do it on my own. When long minutes passed, I started to wonder. Climbing up out of the bunker, I didn’t see Ethan on his way back to me.

  Cursing my footwear choice, I braved the way back to the house, deciding I would go barefoot back. So I took off my shoes before I stepped in the house. The back door was open and as I was about to call out, I heard voices and caught a scent that smelled of fire.

  “Just because you are here by yourself doesn’t mean you have a free pass to stay out all night.”

  “Why are you here?” Ethan asked, not sounding his confident self.

  “For one, you. Second, it is the anniversary of your Dad’s death.”

  My noiseless steps allowed me to enter the kitchen without warning to the occupants. Facing me was a woman holding a lit cigarette. Now I understood the smell. Her face had been beautiful once. I could see under the hard lines and deep frown, she would have been a beauty. Her blond hair was dark with a mix of gray around the roots. Her makeup was severe.

  “Three, I have the exhibit at the museum to tend to. It is my creation, butterflies. No thanks to your father.” The scowl on her face only got worse when she saw me. “Taking them to church are you now.” It wasn’t a question, and it wasn’t directed at me.

  However, I felt compelled to answer. “No, ma’am. We came from visiting his father’s grave,” I said boldly. I didn’t like his mother. And it wasn’t just the tone she used on him or the evil glare she gave me. It was the fact that she’d all but abandoned her son. He stood rigid, and I found that Ethan’s Kryptonite was his parents. He seemed to turn into a little boy facing her and his father’s ghost.

  Her laugh
was poison. It was throaty and sounded like she was hacking up a lugy. “A slut with a voice. Was he with you or someone else all night?”

  Just when I was going to give voice to a deluge of curse words, Ethan moved to me. “She’s not a slut, Mom. This is my girlfriend.”

  “Is that what you call them these days? I didn’t think you needed that term to worm your way in their pants. You’re just like your father,” she said. When he took a step forward, she stopped him with a hand. “And you, if you are his girlfriend I should warn you. If he doesn’t drop you after getting under your skirt, you may end up his next victim.”

  Silence. Ethan shifted. My eyes widened. “And that brings me to the last reason why I’m here. Allie is missing Ethan. Where is she?”

  He turned to face me and shifted to move in my direction. It had to be the look of horror and guilt on his face, but I found myself backing up. I couldn’t believe that he had anything to do with Allie’s disappearance. I couldn’t stay there either with his horrible mother. I ran out the front door. He called after me. His mother called out in response, saying something to him that must have stopped him. His car was unlocked, and I took my phone from his seat.

  With my shoes in one hand and my phone in the other, I fled. The space between houses in his neighborhood was unreal. After passing one house other than his, I stopped. Looking back, he hadn’t come after me. Dialing, I called Madison who agreed to come get me and bring a change of clothes. I walked until I was out of his neighborhood. I walked until I was on a major street. I walked until Madison rolled down the window offering me a ride when my phone buzzed.

  It was an incoming text.

  WHERE R U

  I didn’t answer. Apparently, Ethan had come after me, but I guess he’d gone the opposite direction. Thank goodness for small favors.

  “What the hell is up, Jess?” Madison called out. Hopping in her car while it was stopped in the middle of the road, I got in the backseat to change into the yoga pants and tank she had waiting for me.