Through The Lens

by Shannon Dermott

  By spring, I’d been somewhat released. Ethan and I were sprung to go out, alone. I was sure it was a result of good behavior and an awesome report card. We didn’t test the limits though. Ethan was determined to play by the rules and remain in my father’s favor. Actually he and my Dad got pretty close. Something changed between the two when my Dad had a heart-to-heart with him about his little girl. Ethan seemed swayed by my Dad, but he wouldn’t tell me everything they talked about.

  ~~~

  Prom night, Ethan showed up in a convertible Bentley. At least that is what he called it. It looked almost like a classic car but more fairytale like. The top was down, and we had a driver too. It was more than romantic. It was magical.

  “You are the most beautiful girl I’ve ever seen,” he’d said at my door.

  “Thank you,” I said, standing in my silver floor-length dress. It was a strapless gown that was trimmed in metallic beading at the bodice and at the empire waist. It was backless except for the swath of silver that crossed over my waist, leaving everything else exposed down to the small of my back. The material floated and flowed silk-like. I felt beautiful when I heard Ethan say it and saw it in my eyes. “You are very handsome yourself,” I said, adding to his ego I was sure. Ethan, although not vain, didn’t lack for confidence in that department.

  Grinning, he took my hand and led me to the car after my parents took a ton of pictures.

  “Are you ready?” he asked, when we pulled up to the hotel that hosted the prom.

  “Yes,” I said. And I was ready for a lot of things.

  When we walked in, eyes turned in our direction along with the flashing of cameras. For a moment, I had a flashback to when I’d left the hospital. I was big news. That along with Allie and Ethan making headlines, I had a string of reporters waiting for me. Later, I’d been told that the hospital had donated the private room for me in light of the events. Normally, with our insurance my father had explained, I wouldn’t have had a private room.

  But time had healed some wounds. When I tensed with each flash of the camera, Ethan held my hand steady reminding me I was safe. I, too, was talking to a therapist about my ordeal.

  It was when we were on the dance floor, that I caught sight of Lucy. She’d changed and become withdrawn. After the first week of her return at school, people stopped hounding her. It may have had a lot to do with Ethan’s protectiveness. And even I couldn’t get jealous of that. He’s held people off and told them to leave her alone. Still, I felt sorry for her.

  Seeing her only brought up thoughts about Allie. She’d disappeared from life by her own choosing. Her family and she moved to an undisclosed location. For now, her career was on hold. We were told she was getting help to overcome the what all she went through and she hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone including Ethan and I.

  The case against Mr. Miller hadn’t happened yet. Thankfully, caught in the act of trying to kill me, he was denied bail. However, at some point, I may be put on the stand. I didn’t relish that idea. Lucy, Allie, and I would forever be bonded in a sick club of his victims. Carly too. It was said for her, it might have been just a case of wrong place, wrong time. It was speculated that she stumbled upon him in the woods when he’d buried another girl. He made his first mistake the papers reported that night. He had been preying on runaway girls and homeless girls according to information leaked by someone in the know. The girls he’d taken were reportedly ones that wouldn’t be missed.

  It was further speculated that Mr. Miller was hoping for Ethan to be caught to take any possible suspicion away from himself. So me and my big mouth went and gave him motive and opportunity. If he’d succeeded, it would have put the suspicion further on Ethan and possibly put the final nail in his coffin.

  I must have stopped dancing. “Do you want something to drink?” Ethan asked, being ever patient with me. I nodded, feeling nervous. It felt like my throat was closing all over again.

  Looking away from Lucy, I spotted Madison and Bradley, who waved madly. They’d finally gotten past their problems and were moving forward with their relationship.

  Earlier that day, Madison said to me, “Tonight’s the night.”

  She’d squealed in delight. I couldn’t help but be happy for her. She had Bradley had gotten a room in the hotel like many of the couples.

  “Just be sure,” I’d said among other things, giving her the friend speech but still telling her I supported her decision. I given Bradley the evil eye but not because I didn’t trust he do right by her. “Promise me you’ll never hurt her,” I’d said.

  “Never,” he’d answered. And I believed him.

  One of the other updates was that Bradley and Ethan had become friends along the way. I saw them fist bump at the punch bowl while I chatted with Madison. And it made me smile.

  Jenna was there. Her date, I didn’t know. She and I had formed a somewhat of a truce. We may never be close like we used to be, but she would always be my sister. And somehow, I’d have to find away to totally forgive her. She and I knew as much about each other’s private life as we shared at the dinner table these days. That would have to do for now. Also in the crowd was my brother. Yes, Kyle had managed to snag a cute senior who asked him to be her date tonight. I just shook my head wondering how many hearts he would break while I was off a college.

  And Josh, he was there with a red-haired girl who was a junior at our school. Out of the corner of my eye, I caught him looking at me from time to time. He was headed to California for college from what I heard. I had to wonder if I’d ever see him again once he left. In my head, I wished him the best.

  Ethan and I could have left like some couples and gotten a room in the hotel to mark the last big night in high school, but we didn’t. Ethan hadn’t pressed for our relationship to go any further. Not as though we had a lot of opportunity, still, I appreciated his waiting for me to be ready.

  Feelings of anxiety crept over me.

  “Are you okay?” he asked, handing me a drink.

  He was drinking from his cup when I sprang it on him. “I’m ready to have sex.”

  Okay, my words were blunt and I’d meant to say it another way. But my nerves got the best of me. Ethan spit and coughed, angling his head so it didn’t get on my dress.”

  His voice was horse, like liquid had gone down wrong, his eyes squinty like he was still recovering when he said, “You what?”

  “I want it to be you and tonight,” I said, patting him on his back.

  Putting his drink down, he pulled me out of the ballroom and found a dark corner and kissed me thoroughly.

  “Why tonight?” he asked when he pried himself off me. His arms were folded over his chest. He didn’t look like what I assume most boyfriends would after hearing that they might get lucky.

  “Because I’m ready,” I said softly.

  He searched my eye bending to keep contact when I tried to duck my eyes away from his. “I’m not ready,” he said.

  Confused and a little put out that he was turning me down, I said, “Why?”

  Taking my chin, he lifted my head so that I had to stare in directly in the eye. “Because with you, it will be everything it has never been with anyone else.”

  Stunned, I let him lead me back to the dance. The last song of the night ended up being dedicated to me by Ethan. “Every road leads home to you,” he said along with the chorus of the song. I couldn’t help the tears that formed in my eyes as we danced. He clutched onto me like I was his lifeline. I clung to him and wondered when this dream would end.

  Instead of a hotel room, Ethan proudly took me to the school-sponsored after-party, which wasn’t as bad as it sounded. There was laser tag, bull riding, poker, midnight mini golf, and go-carts. We’d changed and had a blast. As lame as it sounded, I had an amazing time.

  Walking me to my door, Ethan kissed me goodnight. It was tender, and it spoke volumes. Before he left, he said, “I love you Jess.”

  My heart tripped over itself as he left me standing there w
ith the door open to see my father waiting in the living room for me and my other sibs to make it home.

  Chapter Thirty Six

  Many times after that night, I’d wanted to confess my love for Ethan. However, the moment never seemed right.

  “Are you nervous about graduation?” I asked Ethan.

  He looked over at me from his reclined position on the lounge chair by his pool. It was a balmy night. We’d gone swimming this afternoon. As night crept in on our last night as high school students, my alone time with him would be cut short. The plan was to attend a graduation party a senior with a huge house much like Ethan was throwing.

  “No,” he said. After a huge pause, he added, “I do wonder about going away for school.”

  That was my fear. We had not coordinated our school choices. So much was happening when applications were due. He and I had been accepted at different schools. “We won’t be that far apart,” I teased, covering my own fear.

  “I’ll be there bugging you every chance I get,” he said, looking at me with his amazing eyes.

  “Right, all the girls are going to chase you until you forget about me,” I halfheartedly replied.

  “I’m just a motorcycle ride away,” he said, quickly overriding my insecurities.

  We weren’t going to be far from each other, I told myself. He was going to Penn State University and I was going to Swarthmore College. Both were near Philadelphia, PA. Yet, I knew, we wouldn’t be attending classes or seeing each other every day. Things could change.

  “I guess, I’ll go upstairs and get changed,” I said, feeling slightly less enthusiastic than I did a minute ago.

  Getting up, he tugged me on his lap. “You’re ready to go to the party,” he said.

  Shaking my head, I kissed both of us breathless while straddling him. We’d spent the entire senior skip day together. But he was wrong. I wasn’t ready to leave. His mother was miles away back in California. Once again, we had the house to ourselves. My eighteenth birthday had passed, and my parents’ rules finally relaxed some. I think they knew that because I was legal, I could walk away from them. I wasn’t planning to do that. Hell, I needed them to fund my college. I’d learned long ago not to bite the hand that fed me. More than that, it was the night before graduation. My parents weren’t hypocrites and knew about the fun to be had this night. They weren’t expecting me home anytime soon.

  “I love you, Ethan,” I said for the first time. He stilled and there was a raw intensity behind his stare. “And I’m ready,” I added in a firm whisper. I hadn’t mentioned this since prom night. An honestly, I had been scared that evening. But now, I knew with all my heart this was what I wanted whether or not Ethan repeated my words back to me.

  With strength I didn’t know he possessed, considering the position in which we sat, he stood up still holding me while my legs were wrapped around his waist. Pulling back a little so that our lips were no longer joined, he said, “I love you, too.” It was only the second time he’d said it. Like everything else, he hadn’t put any pressure on me.

  “I don’t want to go to the party,” I said, reaching around my back and untying my bikini top. Ethan’s mouth stopped partway open. “Kiss me,” I breathed, while he held me close the only thing keeping my top from falling

  “Jess,” he whispered, voice strained.

  “I’m sure,” I said, answering his unspoken question.

  Our mouths melded together in molten heat. Our bodies fastened together like magnets. My skin crackled with electricity. All of this played out as he made his way into the house and up the stairs. In his room, he let me slide to my feet. There was no denying parts of him were so ready for all I offered him. We tongued danced our way to his bed. And for the briefest of seconds, I wondered how many girls before me had been in there.

  “None,” he said into my mouth, reading my expression. “Only you Jess.”

  His hands were gentle at first reached into my hair which looked sandier blonde now that the color was washing itself out. He’d waited a long time for this, longer than I imagined he had since he’d lost his virginity, which only made me love him more.

  I couldn’t stop the squirming I did when he kissed that place at the base of my neck where it met my shoulder. He continued his kisses down my collarbone. When, his fingers danced over my skin, they brushed over tender parts, places that I had no idea would give off the sensations they did. Mini explosions occurred over my body preparing me for what was to come as his actions began to get eager.

  Tugging off my bikini top, his exploration only continued. I hadn’t been aware where his hands were until I felt freedom from the constraints of my top. I gasped when he rained down warm kisses over my sensitive, formerly private places.

  The only thing left were our bottoms. His hands were on the ties of my bikini bottoms when he said, “This is the part where you tell me to stop.”

  “No stopping,” I breathed, with my hands, exploring the plains and muscle lines of his firm chest covered in silk-like skin.

  Freed from all clothing, I flushed a little when he looked over me. “Jesus, Jess,” he whispered.

  I almost pointed out, this wasn’t a time or place for religion until his fingers touched the apex between my tights and words escaped me. Moans of pleasure filled the room, his and mine, because I did some exploring of my own. His skin was softer there than I imagined, yet it was very rigid.

  All precautions in place, he placed a scorching kiss to my mouth. My body was fire, and he was melting ice. Together we created steam. And like the red sea, I parted for him giving him access to my one-time gift. There wasn’t any doubt in my mind about taking this step. I would have no regrets. He was the one. And no matter what the future held for us, I couldn’t imagine sharing this experience with anyone else.

  “It’s going to hurt a little,” he said.

  “It’s okay, I know,” I breathed.

  Theoretical and real life were different, however. The pain was sharp and forced a gasp to leave my throat. “Jess,” he said, strained unmoving.

  “I’m okay,” I rasped. It was done. No need to cry over spilled milk. “I love you,” I added to ease his mind. This is what I wanted. What I signed up for.

  When the earthquake hit our bodies, he murmured, “I love you, too.”

  Epilogue

  Summer had flown the coop and with his bags packed, I watched Ethan load up his car. His mother was inside while I stood and watched him close the trunk.

  “You’re really going,” I said with a pang of loss.

  His thumb caresses my chin before bringing me close to kiss me. My mouth was already swollen from his hungry kisses. We’d spent much of our summer together. And now he was leaving for school a couple of weeks early. “I don’t have to go. I can tell the coach I’m not interested.”

  Ethan’s former life as a football star had been noticed by the coach of the Penn State. When he’d found out that Ethan would be attending, he’d requested for him to come out for open tryouts. That said a lot about just how good he’d been.

  “No, you should totally go. I’ll be fine. I’ll miss you like crazy, but I’ll be fine,” I lied. Being with him had become addictive. I now understood why Madison and Bradley had wanted alone time when they’d gotten together. The idea of spending the last two weeks without him was daunting.

  “It’s only for a backup position. And it’s not like I need the scholarship he’s dangling in front of me.”

  Pressing my mouth to his, I said, “It’s okay. It’s a good opportunity. Don’t pass up free money.”

  “I’d pass it up if it meant I would lose you,” he groaned into my mouth.

  Pressing myself into him, I gave him something for him not to ever forget. “You won’t lose me.” More likely, it was the other way around. “We’ll see each other soon.”

  With a fisted handful of my shirt, he said, “God, what I wouldn’t do to take you upstairs.”

  Laughing, I said, “You’re mom is back, so you
know that’s not happening.” He stepped me back into the mammoth of a vehicle. He ground into me, filling me with the promise of all he could offer.

  When I didn’t relent, he asked me for the hundredth time, “You have the email right?”

  “Yes,” I said while nodding. His skills fogged my mind for a second. When he took a slight step back, I could finally think. He’d forwarded me the reservations he’d made at some fancy hotel in Philadelphia. Both of us in dorms with roommates wouldn’t be the best place for what we had in mind for our reunion. We would meet there the second Saturday after classes began. He’d wanted to have us meet earlier, but I wanted to have some time to acclimate to my new school. More than that, I wanted him to have time to see if he couldn’t forget me. Insecurity or not, Ethan was hot. Girls would be on him like wet tee-shirts. Scratch that, they would probably wet their tee-shirts to get him. I wasn’t foolish enough to believe love would conquer all. “Are you sure we should do it that day? If you make the team, you’ll have a game that day.”

  “It’s a home game in the afternoon. I’ll be there at eight. I’ll be dying to see you Jess. You’ll be lucky I don’t show up at your dorm the day you move in.”

  What I didn’t voice was the nasty devil on my shoulder telling me otherwise. “You better get going,” I said after a final kiss.

  “Don’t be late,” he said, back to his master plan. “In fact, you don’t have to be wearing anything,” he chuckled.

  “You freak,” I teased, playfully slapping at his chest. “I’m coming dressed for a strip poker.” Which was my cool way of warning him that I’d be wearing layer upon layers of clothes.

  Groaning he tugged me back to him. I’d slowly been stepping away afraid I wouldn’t let him leave. “If you do that, be prepared for it all to be destroyed.” Then his smile slipped and he got serious. “Jessica Shelby, I love you. Never forget that.”